Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Groom Knows Dick: Gifts

Legendary blogger, Drew Magary, has a blog called "Father Knows Shit". It's pretty much a diary of all the weird and stupid shit that goes on over the course of fatherhood. So I'm sitting around the other day thinking, "I'm getting married soon, I have no idea what's going on, She-Money keeps dropping all of these monster bills my way, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing." Whenever I see fit, I'm going to do a post about some horrible aspect of the wedding planning process. If you guys take one piece of advice from me, let it be this:

There is nothing wrong with getting married. There is everything wrong with planning a wedding. Everything about it sucks and it is ripe to be blogged/bitched about. I've already ranted and raved about flowers and the DJ, but today I need your help. Up next on "Groom Knows Dick": Gifts.

It's been awhile since I've done one of these. While we've been away, we're starting to look at potential houses (which is actually fun), finally booked a DJ (who is probably going to be an asshole), and yesterday I actually got off of my ass and reserved a limo/party bus. Seriously, I waited at least 6 weeks to nail something down. It was quite an epic display of wasting time. She-Money wanted a trolley. It took every ounce of energy inside of me not to roll my eyes back into my head like The Undertaker at that request. Fortunately, the trolley racket costs more than what the Steinbrenners spent on new Yankee Stadium so it was easy to turn away from that option.

Anyway, and to the point of today's post, I need some help from some of you. Now, "gifts" isn't what you think. We've already started our registry which will result in G$ having one of the baddest ass kitchens of all time. The rest of the house? Probably a piece of shit but that kitchen is going to be magnificent. So I don't need help with that.

What I do need assistance with, and what my next "project" is, is coming up with an idea for gifts for my groomsmen. Most of them read this site, but I don't care. Surprise presents are for little kids, gay men, and douchebags. I want to do something that is practical yet not cliche. I've been in 3 weddings myself. I've received a flask, a money clip, and a stein. I use all 3 still to this day but my goal is to go a different route. The problem with this plan is that I am comprised entirely of a righteous combination of half uncreative and half lazy. I'm a real dual threat.

I've had a few ideas pop into my head. Thai hookers for my boys? Nah, I'd be required to teach all of them how to avoid getting blood on your clothes and proper disposal of a gutted whore's body. A subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club? No, that's unoriginal (thanks a lot, Cousin Eddie). Cleveland Browns season tickets? Ha, watching a 4 win team try to fuck a football might be the worst gift ever. Those erotic dots in the picture? Hell no, who the hell finds "stick tits" hot?

So what do I do? You all HAVE to have at least some sort of insight on this topic. I'm just brainstorming here and I need some help. For fuck's sake, I am almost completely DONE with my "list of shit that I have to accomplish before August 1st's day of infamy". Helping me with this will surely earn you a spot in Dut's butthole. It's on you guys to help me out here. I give you guys 4-5 minutes of crude humor per day and all I ask for in return is a little assistance. Oh, and if you are one of my groomsmen, are reading this post, and don't know what you are getting us for our's a big-ass TV. And if I don't get one, you will see a side of me that only the aforementioned Thai hookers have seen before.

Alright, that's it for me this week. I'm off the next two days (first day off since Thanksgiving...what the fuck?). But don't forget to check back tomorrow. I PROMISE that you will like the re-post of a classic Money Shot piece. Enjoy the tourney, I'll see you all on Monday.


Anonymous said...

Posted by's Bill Williamson

It is being reported in Washington, that the Redskins are trying to get Jay Cutler in a three-way deal. Interestingly, the report suggests the third team could be Kansas City.

Just thought you would like to know G$


Grumpy said...

Personalized condoms. The package, not the actual condoms.

Mr. Ace said...

Fag off, Lange. Anything that is being reported on ESPN is already a day old.

Alright G$, I have done some homework for you. Not really, but I have some help. I don't know how much people usually spend on this shit, but your a loaded sports writer, you can afford anything. I have been in a retarted amount of weddings and racked up about 4 money clips, 4 beer mugs and a couple other gay things I can't even remember. So what I am going to tell you is this, you can't go wrong with a solid set of stogies. If I am in another wedding, that is what would be my choice. Get them some fucking cigars. Maybe even throw in a sweet torch lighter. Thompson Cigar has some good shit. Unless your groomsmen are a bunch of fags. In that case, get them gerbil's.

Or you could get them all fleshlights. I am sure they could all use it.

Upstate Underdog said...

G$, I got my grooms men Swiss Army knives with their initials engraved.

Think about it. They might not have one and they do come in handy, trust me they will use them and they probably don't have one. And if any of them golf Swiss Army makes a golf tool with divot fixer, knife, etc..

p.s. I do not work for Swiss Army just think they make a good product.

J Beanie said...

Personalized condoms. The actual condoms, not the package.

I'm in the same boat as you are G$. I got to think of something but I got until Oct. 3 to do it. I was thinking of personalized bobble heads, T-shirts with either me or all the groomsmen on it, one of those sweet magic eye books/posters, temporary tattoos, and a sweatshirt/T-shirt/jersey of their favorite team or some combination of list.

But if you did go with Cleveland Browns season tickets, it would be the cheapest gift you could get.

Anonymous said...

You could get them anal beads with a groomsman's name on each bead.

- Lil' Strut

Dustin said...

Ace- I'm not sure you want to mix mass amounts of alcohol, a DJ that can't play hang on sloopy, and lighters.

Lil strut has the best idea yet. I know the hogs that Damman brings home would love him pullin the chainsaw on their ass!

Anonymous said...


How come you manage to discuss either my sex life or my penis every day? Is there something you would like to ask me? I'm flattered that you are thinking about me like that, but I don't swing that way.


Tony B. said...

I was looking at yesterday thinking about the exact same thing. They have some cool stuff, but it seems like a lot of the typical stuff (money clips, flasks, glass dildos, etc.) Like Beanie, I also have until Oct. 3, but I'd get this shit out of the way now.

GMoney said...

Beanie and T-Bone getting hitched on the same day...are you marrying each other???

It's always cool to talk about D's hogs.

I could always buy them Jay Cutler Redskins jerseys...I would love to see this happen, by the way, eventhough it won't.

Upstate Underdog said...

let me repeat my-self, Swiss army knives. This gift ups the odds of there being a cool knife fight at the wedding.

Tony B. said...

I pretty much walked right into that one. I wouldn't even consider marrying Beanie unless he got my some of those engraved anal beads Lil Strut mentioned.

Dustin said...

Damman- I'm getting my shots in before baseball season.

I think you should get them a set of poker chips.

Anonymous said...

There will be plenty of time for shots during baseball seaon.


Anonymous said...

How about all of us get to hook up with your sister?

Mr. Ace said...


Anonymous said...

Groomsmen gift? What about a giant bottle of their favorite hard liquor, a couple of stogies to go with it and a Jo-Ann fabrics gift card?