Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Fellowship Of The Ref

Do you ever watch a college hoops game and think to yourself, "that referee does all of our games and he loves to fuck us over!" Well, the long-running joke amongst my inner-circle is that every basketball game is officiated by either Ted Hillary, Ted Valentine, or Ed Hightower (pictured watching himself on TV). And guess what? I actually did some research on this topic. And the results are shocking because, as you will see, Hightower does in fact referee every game ever played.

Before I unveil my thesis, I would like to explain the title. You see, Hightower is similar to Frodo Baggins. Except instead of taking some "magical" ring to a volcano, Ed takes his whistle to arenas around the country. It's the exact same thing! Josh and I were debating this last weekend: which hobbit was more gay, Frodo or Sam? He said Sam because of his bizarre reliance and desire to stay with Frodo. I disagree for numerous reasons: Sam gets married to the waitress at the end, Frodo is mesmerized by a piece of shitty jewelry, and Baggins was also caught blowing Gandalf (the scene was cut from the original movie). And the guy that played Rudy could never be gay. That is just absurd. The moral of the story, you ask? No one sucks more cock than Orlando Bloom.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Ed Hightower and my research project! How did I go from a Big Ten official to gay elf sex? Anyway, here is Hightower's schedule from the past 9 days:

2/28 - Ohio State @ Purdue
3/1 - Michigan State @ Illinois
3/3 - Ohio State @ Iowa
3/4 - Wisconsin @ Minnesota
3/7 - Michigan @ Minnesota
3/8 - Purdue @ Michigan State

That's 6 fairly big games in 9 days in which I'm fairly certain that he drives to each site. Amazing! The man is like a RoboRef. And if the Big Ten played a full schedule on Monday, Thursday, and Friday, I bet you anything that he would have been calling fouls on those days, too.

What was the point of this? There really wasn't one except to point out that if you think that you see the same official's name all the time, you aren't going crazy. They really do rotate about 6 guys to ref every basketball game. And if you are a glutton for punishment and plan on watching the Big Ten Tournament, expect Ed Hightower (due yourself a HUGE favor and click on that link) to officiate every game. Unless he can't take his eyes off of himself...which is entirely possible. If I'm ever on TV again, it would be the only thing that I watch. I've got a HUGE post coming in a few more hours...prepare yourself.


Anonymous said...

Since I'm strait, you kind of lost me with that paragraph which I believe you were talking about Lord of the Rings or some other queer topic.

More Ed Hightower, less Dungeons and Dragons.


GMoney said...

That is the best piece of advice that you've ever given.

Grumpy said...

The ref stuff is funny. You continue to worry me with your now openly gay adoration of fairy tales. Does the future wife know about your repressed homosexuality?

Tony B. said...

He drives to all the games? He should walk barefoot like all the other hobbits.

Anonymous said...

It's amazing on how Hightower, and Hillary were going to retire three years ago, then the Big 10 told them they were going to give them raises from $1,800+ per game, to...hold on to your hats.....$3,200+ PER GAME, plus expenses, food per diem, etc!!!!!! And they didn't retire...shocking!!

Not a bad gig for less than 3 hours worth of work/night......