Friday, March 13, 2009

Billy Packer = Nutjob

So Billy Packer, Eric Cartman: Psychic Detective, and Judge Lance Ito walk into a bar...

You would think that that is the start to some shitty joke. Fortunately, you would be wrong. It's March Madness time! While we all love it, Billy Packer has tried to ruin that love every year. If you have not heard, he is done with CBS. He's got some show on FSN now with Bob Knight (I GUARANTEE that it sucks) and he is as just as crazy as ever. I found this over at a site that you should all check daily, Awful Announcing. Packer, who freely admits that he doesn't own a computer, was on with the Best Damn Podcast (I have no idea what that is) and he was spewing hot, molten crazy all over the place. See for yourself:

Best Damn Podcast: "At the bottom of the page it has these random facts, the golf courses in reverse is one of them and then another one, it says you hired a psychic to find the murder weapon in the OJ Murder case."

Billy Packer: "That is correct....John Monte.

BDP: "And whatever happened?"

BP: "He found the weapons. And we uh...he claimed he found them. And so uh, we basically went to the LA Police Department, said John knows where the weapons are, and at that point this is about a week after the murders. And so, at that point the Police Department said, we can't take the chance that if he starts digging stuff up, that the press heard about this we'd be in serious trouble. So we had to put it on hold. But it was a great experience."

Wait a minute. Billy Packer tried to solve the OJ case!!! You can not make this kind of insane shit up. He hired some weirdo to visualize where the murder weapon might be, apparently figured out where the knife was, and did what any American would do and let a murder go unsolved! U-S-A!!! This is so bizarre that I can barely believe it. But then again, I've listened to this crusty curmudgeon every March since I was born and it doesn't surprise me one bit. In fact, after his stint on the podcast, Packer actually came up to me, your weird uncle G$, to clarify his stance on letting the killer of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown go free...

Packer: "No TV and no beer make Billy something something..."
G$: "Go crazy?"
Packer: "DON'T MIND IF I DO!!!"

Then he spent the next five minutes chasing me around with an ax and screaming at the top of his lungs. Thankfully, expert psychic detective, John Monte, showed up to calm him down. Yeah, apparently he visualized where Jon-Benet Ramsey's body was and they were off to find it. Whoops, looks like I'll have visitors tonight in my basement.

What a great way to end the week. Anytime that you can combine Billy Packer, the OJ trial, and Jon-Benet in a story, you know that you've reached the big time. Have a good weekend, everyone.


GMoney said...

Seriously? No one has anything to say today, huh? No reference to how ridiculous this story is? No insults about the RedHawks being eliminated? No mention of last night's epic Big East game?

Fuck you all.

Anonymous said...

It was a pretty awful post.

The RedHawks have to be one of the more disappointing teams in the nation with all that talent (that was a joke by the way)

I was hoping for a shutout today on here, that would have been funny. This blog is going the way of "'Till Death".

Heading down to Piano Bar tomorrow night to hang out with my boys Carpenter and Hawk. You in, G$.


Jeff said...

If a game gets to the point where everyone has fouled out and players that haven't played all game are going to decide the outcome they should just call it and play again the next day.

GMoney said...

So you insult my work (it's never a bad post when Judge Ito is involved) and then have the nerve to ask me out on a man-date? Go fuck yourself with KoKo's acne-covered shoulder. I assume that you will be trying to take Carpenter and Hawk home since they are both better looking women (and draft busts) than your usual assortment of The Biggest Loser cast-offs.

I feel better. Get that weak stuff outta here.

As far as your sarcastic quip about the RedHawks, it does feel like a "what could have been" season. It's more than just bad luck when your starting backcourt at the beginning of the season has season-ending injuries.

Jeff, I can't stay awake today. That fucking game drained me of all my strength. I'm on my 5th coffee.