Thursday, February 12, 2009

Yesterday Was Outstanding

You may not even realize it, but yesterday was fantastic. It really was a blogger's dream. If you are anything like me, you enjoy sports, idiots, and other people's misery. Especially that last one...that is what makes me special and separates me from other well-known dickheads (Cris Carter). So let's get into the greatness which was February 11, 2009.

Does Roberto Alomar have AIDS? I'm HIV positive of it.
-If South Park has taught us anything, it is that it's been long enough and it's OK to laugh about AIDS now. How funny is this? Alomar, knowing that he was carrying this stuff, insisted on banging broads without wearing his AIDS preventer! What a classy guy. Now those baseball purists, that will all hopefully die soon, like to scream "won't somebody think of the children" everytime steroids are brought up. Well, what do you tell your kids about Alomar? Sure, son, Alomar was a great player in his day but he also starred in the real-life Latin version of "Philadelphia"! He went by the name of Roberto Beckett and Denzel Washington was his best friend. It was about time that we had another athlete contract AIDS. Tommy Morrison was getting lonely. And would AIDS be considered a performance-debilitating drug?

Duke basketball fans are slowly dying albeit not fast enough.
-I have no idea what meningitis is or what it does, but apparently it is making the rounds in Krzyzewski-ville at Duke. I like to think that it's medical-speak for super-AIDS. And I also like to believe that it was spread through the student body by the Duke Lacrosse team. Now if they can get it from the tents to the basketball locker room and infect the entire team, I will be very impressed. You can start with Jon Scheyer. Anyone out there want to disappoint me by giving me the definition of meningitis, whatever, do your worst.

Brett Favre took the coward's way out.
-Finally. Old Man Wrangler is running back to Hick County, USA with his tail between his legs. I don't think that it's possible for Favre to leave the NFL any worse than he did after this past season. And I love it. Instead of holding a tearful and ridiculous press conference of lies, he sends his agent to do his dirty work this time. It's over! Brett Favre's stranglehold on football has finally been released. Now he can spend the rest of his days trolling through the aisles of WalMart searching for that perfect pair of jorts that have eluded him ever since the day that he was drafted (don't feel like finding that picture again).

Mexicans get put in their place in Columbus.
-I guess that some sort of World Cup qualifier was played at Crew Stadium last night. I didn't watch it. The Americans won, I heard. Either way, I'm going to be hearing about a lot of central Ohio stabbings and stolen hubcaps on the radio today.

Adam Dunn and Bobby Abreu quietly weep after realizing that they aren't worth much.
-Do you remember when Dunn was aiming for a 5 year/100 mill contract? And Abreu thinking he would get 3 for 50 mill? Ha. Sweet Pea has signed with the Angels for one year and 5 million. This makes no sense to me because the Angels already have about 12 outfielders. And then there's Captain Strikeout. 2 years and 20 million to play for the worst team in baseball. That seems about right. Dunn is the kind of guy who will always play on terrible teams and hit 40 meaningless home runs per season. It just feels like he's a career loser. It takes some serious balls to sign with an organization even worse than the Reds. Dunn seems like he would be a perfect fit for the "Matt Millen Era" Lions.

JBeanie finally posted again!
-Who cares. That fucking idiot (who wouldn't be getting insulted if he showed his face around here) showed up after taking 10 days off for no reason other than laziness. His big return post? A re-post of a post that he posted last year in which he discussed Brett Favre. Step it up, fucker. Didn't your parents ever tell you when you were a kid that, "if you don't work hard on your blog, Keyser Soze and/or Roberto Alomar will come get you"? You've got to make time if you ever want to be as great as me.

Steve Phillips makes terrible analogies because he doesn't own a mirror.
I just remembered this and it reminded me of how retarded Steve Phillips is. So during the whole A-Rod fiasco, for some reason, ESPN had Phillips on to give his reaction to the situation. He compared Alex to Britney Spears. While the metaphor is not that bad, it shouldn't be coming from a guy who's life is similar to Kevin Federline's. He hits a home run by getting the Mets GM gig, gets shit-canned, and now everytime you see him, you just laugh at how ridiculous he is. Fuck you, Steve Phillips. I can't wait to hear you and Joe Morgan wax idiotic on Sunday Night Baseball this year. I'm sorry, that's a lie, I'm not going to watch that.

Come on, Thursday, give us something just as good as Wednesday did. I've got a HUGE weekend ahead of me that has nothing at all to do with Valentine's Day. We'll talk about that tomorrow. Try not to get AIDS today.


Upstate Underdog said...

you forget to mention that URI came back from a 15 pt halftime deficit last night to beat St. Bonaventure.

Mr. Ace said...

Its about fucking time you came up with something decent. Nobody wants to read about you getting your panty's wet watching A-Rod get juiced up. I am glad to see you coming out of your slump...if only for a day.

Allan Stokke said...

Turns out accusing someone of having AIDS when they currently have a smoking hot girlfriend is not the brightest of ideas.

Accusing someone of getting raped in Mexico on the other hand...

GMoney said...

UU, you have my sincere apologies for forgetting about that.

Ace, how dare you!

Stokke, accusing anyone of being raped and/or having AIDS is always a good idea.

Upstate Underdog said...

G$, no problem it would have been the biggest story in college basketball last night if not for the Duke-UNC game

Anonymous said...

It is no surprise that the only GM dumb enough to sign Dunn is Jim Bowden. Oh wait that is right he is the only one dumb enough considering he is the GM who drafted him in Cincinnati.

Nat fans will enjoy his 8th inning solo shots when they are down 6 runs. What a worthless piece of shit.

I cant believe the D-backs gave the Reds Micah Owings for hime they probably would have accepted the hot dog vendor just to get his salary off the books last year.

Adam Dunn = Rob Deer