Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Plot Errors Of A 19 Year Old Movie


I have to admit, for the first time in a long time I can not wait for the start of the major league baseball season. I've been watching the MLB Network much more than I would care to admit. I'm jacked. What also has helped is that HBO has been running Major League a lot over the past month. You forget, by watching it on network tv, how hilarious that movie truly is with the swearing intact. Now, I've done this type of "movie review" in the past for classic films such as Teen Wolf and Little Big League. They went over well with the peeps so here we are again.

As great as Major League is, there are quite a few scenes that don't really sit well with me. And since I have a very well-respected blog, I get to voice my objections with the director's decisions in my own forum. We're just going to go character-by-character so that I hopefully don't forget anything. Without further ado, The Money Shot's "review" of Major League...

Jake Taylor
-When Jake went to Lynn's "apartment" and walked into the dinner party, he asked for a beer yet didn't drink any of it. What kind of a jerk wastes a perfectly good beer?
-Also, when he sees Lynn at the game and follows her home, he's still wearing his uniform. He walks up to her apartment with his cleats still on. She has hardwood floors! What a dick; at least have the decency to remove your spikes before scuffing up the wood. Think about her deposit for fuck's sake! And then he presumably fucks her that night. When he wakes up and she is gone, the only clothes that he has is his uniform from the night before! Does he put it back on and walk around the streets of Cleveland wearing his dirty uniform? And he was driving the bullpen car (which they really need to bring back by the way)! If you saw a guy driving a bullpen car down the street and wearing a baseball uniform, wouldn't you call the cops?

Ricky Vaughn
-Contacts were readily available at the time so why did he continue to wear the specs?
-When he's at the bar and that 80's whore comes up to him and says, "Wild Thing, you make my heart sing" all slutty-like, he's leaning against the jukebox. He's listening to WILD THING! Did Vaughn play his own theme song at a bar? Does that work with picking up whores? If so, expect to see ol' G$ playing some Eddie Money or Ted Dibiases's theme song at the Bier Stube this weekend and wait for the skanks to come flocking.

Lou Brown
-Eventhough his role was damn near perfect, one thing always bothered me. He motivated the team by "peeling a section" off of Rachel Phelps. This was a baseball clubhouse, he didn't need nipple pasties. That cardboard cut-out should have been completely nude. If I was on that team, I would have felt cheated. And did the Indians actually take that thing on the road with them???

Charlie Donovan
-Clearly, Charlie wanted the Indians to win. So why did he keep watching the games with Rachel Phelps who was the polar opposite of him? He didn't have to.

Eddie Harris
-Don't even get me started about how unrealistic it was to have this guy pitch the biggest game of the season. Although his liberal use of Vagisil should be commended.

Pedro Cerrano
-I'll never understand why anyone every threw him a fastball. He's the Hollywood version of Alfonso Soriano. Going up against "curveball specialist", Steve Jackson, they should have sent up a pinch hitter.

Suzanne Dorn
-She is the biggest wild card in the entire movie. No one runs the gamut between hot and hideous like Mrs. Dorn. When she's sitting in bed and sees Roger with the groupie, ugh. When she goes to fuck Vaughn, ungodly smoking. But then the next day when she tells Roger about the affair, awful again. It's quite the anomaly. This leads me to my next question: have you ever met a Suzanne that wasn't smoking-ass hot? That may be the hottest name ever.

Longshoreman
-On imdb, this is the title of Neil Flynn's character. These guys aren't that fucking bad. When the Indians beat the Yankees and they show the bar and Flynn hugs the punkrocker, that cracks me up every time. Janitor! They should have given "Longshoreman" more lines.

Lynn Wells
-This is my final bitch and it almost ruined the movie for me. So Lynn messes with Jake's heart all movie long and in the end decides to be with him. How sweet. But it really pissed me off that after the big win, Jake picks her up on his shoulders and the team rallies around them with her standing out over the team. SHE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED ON THE FIELD! Why was she the center of attention during the celebration. If anything, Lou Brown should have been feeding shitburgers to all the doubters. Rene Russo did her best to kill the ending, but she failed. I hate Lynn Wells.

There you go, my version of a review for Major League. And unlike Major League, the Yankees will never lose to the Indians this season. I guarantee it. World Series, bitches.

12 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

Do Major League II next!

This one's for G$. On a happier note, I read Jim Kaat might be calling a few Yankee games on YES this season.

Anonymous said...

A-roid!

Jeff H said...

The big plot error for me was the one game playoff at the end of the movie. Shouldnt this game have been played in New York? The Yankees pretty much destroyed the Tribe all movie and Cleveland gets the home field advantage. Doesnt make sense to me.

Anonymous said...

I didn't like how they held up Lynn Wells at the end of the movie either. One of the best parts of that movie is when Lou Brown pisses on Dorn's contract. Also, when Willy Mays Hayes makes the Willy Mays style catch in the outfield and Brown says to him "Nice catch! Don't ever fuckin do it again!" I saw the movie recently on HBO too and it is getting me pumped up for baseball season.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Li'l Strut, James Gammon really should have won an Oscar for his performance as Lou Brown. One of my favorite exchages:

Taylor: Would I bullshit you?
Brow: You better, if you want to make this team.

Mr. Ace said...

No Willy Mays Hayes? Unbelievable.

I really think Major League 2 was better. Jack Parkman and Rube Baker were great additions.

Roger Dorn was the most unathletic third baseman in the history of baseball movies.

Dustin said...

I always get 1 and 2 mixed up. I need no watch and refresh my memory.


And the Yankees aren't making the playoffs. I would bet Mr ace's little peter on it.

Tony B. said...

Worst editing/censoring job:

"Fuck you, Jobu"

but on cable:

"Shut up cowboy!"

GMoney said...

Ace, I had no problems with Hayes character. He didn't have any unbelievable situations if I recall.

I do agree that Parkman and Rube were good characters (as well as Randy Quaid), but 2 couldn't hold 1's jock. Omar Epps fucking sucked and those orphan fucks that Wild Thing was hanging out with were terrible. That Japanese OF can go fuck himself.

Are you saying that Dorn could not have gotten to the ball that the A's hit in the 9th? Jake Taylor would disagree with you, cut your nuts off, and well you get it.

Dut, you are as dumb as you are ugly. Shut up, Cowboy.

Anonymous said...

I always found it amazing that Lou Brown got the exact number of games right that the Indians would have to win to win the divison. It worked out perfectly at the end. Amazing.

Anybody who says that 2 was better than 1 should be stabbed in the eye because they are obviously a dumb shit.

One more thing, when Taylor calls his shot and they have the bunt and run on with Hayes, how come Taylor doesn't square around to bunt and Hayes doesn't run on the first pitch from The Duke? Did they know that he would throw at Jake? That's one thing that has always really bothered me.

-Damman

rstiles said...

This was great stuff!!!

Mac G said...

I will travel to hang out with you only under one condition. That is you make a reality out of this scenario.

If so, expect to see ol' G$ playing some Eddie Money or Ted Dibiases's theme song at the Bier Stube this weekend and wait for the skanks to come flocking.