Monday, February 16, 2009

The Great American Farce

Buckle your seatbelt because this is the only time that I ever dedicate an entire post to NASCAR. That was a terrible pun and I apologize for it. Every year, I take time out of my busy schedule (that's a lie) to watch the Daytona 500. I feel like it's my civic duty as an American. It's as boring as sin, Darrell Waltrip is a fucking retard, and I have to have a defibrilator on hand to make sure that I don't die. But I do it. Because if I don't, the terrorists win.

Unlike George Carlin, I do not watch auto racing just for the accidents. While it would be refreshing to see a driver running around with his head on fire trying to punch it out, that is not for me. If anything, accidents are the worst thing that could happen in a race. Because with more accidents, the race drags on longer...and longer...and even longer. The sooner that these things get over with, the better, in my opinion. But that sentiment is sort of weird because when I am driving and some asshole passes me going 95 mph, deep down I hope to see his car wrapped around a light pole ten miles ahead. But in NASCAR, eventhough these hill-folk are going 180 mph, I don't want to see that shit. Just end it already.

So Matt Kenseth wins the Daytona 500 after 152 laps. Yawn. I didn't think that it was possible to have anyone win the race that was more dull than Ryan Newman but here we are with someone just as boring. I have made a conscious decision to pick a driver to support this year and The Money Shot has decided on Denny Hamlin. I don't know anyone that has picked him, he shares the same first name with two other awesome Denny's (Wann and Spieth), and he works for the great Joe Gibbs. Seems like a good fit for this blog. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to start wearing a bunch of Fed Ex shit, but I've made my stand. Anyway, Denny was running pretty good yesterday until those two fucking idiots (Vickers and Dead Dad Junior) screwed his day up. I don't claim to be a racing expert (actually, yes I do although that would also be a lie) and I don't care to be one, but if two guys take out 4 of the best drivers, they should be suspended for at least a month. Nobody fucks with Denny Hamlin and gets away with it.

Enough of that. NASCAR fucking sucks. The Daytona 500 is known around trailer parks and battered women's shelters as the "Super Bowl of Racing". That's bullshit. Remember the 2007 Colts/Bears Super Bowl in Miami? It poured all game long and it made for a sloppy affair. If NASCAR ran that Super Bowl, they would have ended it after 3 quarters. THEY DIDN'T EVEN FINISH THE GOD DAMN RACE YESTERDAY!!! So what if it's fucking raining? Stop the damn thing for a few minutes, put on some wipers, and get to 200 laps! Each race is supposed to guage the best driver, right? Well, rain happens. It happens a lot. The best driver should be the one that can navigate the track no matter what the conditions are. Bullshit. Nice fucking "Super Bowl".

And what is the deal with the "competition cautions"? Because it had been raining earlier in the day, officials stopped the race a few times so teams could pit and check on their cars. What the fuck is that all about? To continue further football analogies, referees don't stop games half way through the first quarter so that both teams can take time to review their gameplans and make adjustements. You do that shit on the fly over the course of the game/race. Quit being pussies.

That's the rub to me. Safety is obviously a big concern but at what price has it cheapened the event? You don't want guys getting killed on the track again but there's nothing wrong with putting a little danger and excitement back in. I don't know, make the cars go faster, more easy to flip, put those police spikes on the track at random times, landmines, some crazy hillbilly shooting a bazooka at Jeff Gordon, give me something. I said earlier that I don't want to see accidents because it extends the agony, but in all actuality, I just want to see better wrecks. Scraping the wall and needing ten minutes to clean it up? Gay as Wanda Sykes. Kyle Busch flipping his car into the first 6 rows and landing with his mouth on some dude's dinger? Fuck and yes.

I have admittedly made a conscientious effort to watch NASCAR. I've given it a shot but I just don't understand the appeal. 80% of the drivers are douchebags. I'm just glad that there was alternate programming on yesterday like the Mark Whiten 4 HR game against the Reds on MLB Network and a marathon of My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance on Fox Reality. That really was the best reality show ever created. That really helped make up for a shitty and embarrassing day at the track. Fuck racing (eventhough I'm going to win the fantasy NASCAR league for the second year in a row, bitches). Who was the smart motherfucker that started both Kevin Harvick and AJ Allmendinger on team "Playing With My Allmendinger"???

I really need to kill myself. I'm a fucking loser.


Grumpy said...

Fuck NASCAR. Answer the real question: did you suck face with Wally Saturday night?

GMoney said...

No, but only because he had his kids with him. His wife was there; still looking fantastic.

Mr. Ace said...

Holy fuck NASCAR sucks. Why would anybody want to watch a bunch of hill-jacks driving in a circle for 5,000 miles. Open up the whole field and make it a Demolition Derby and then you might have me. Until then, I would rather watch Dut hump a door knob.

Dustin said...

Mr. Ace- you should try betting on the race. That makes it 1000 times better... except when your guy doesn't crack the top 20 all race and Denny Hamlin gets taken out by my old boy Dale Jr. Maybe this website will help you enjoy nascar? At the very least it will really help you navigate through every day life.

Dustin said...

Mr. Ace said...

I don't know what to make of that site. If Toledo would have offered such a great course, I would have taken it. Chicks dig the gay dudes, right dut? You A hole.

If you have to bet on it to make it even somewhat watchable, I want no part it in. It sucks.

GMoney said...

Ace, that logic is fucked. Betting on anything makes it more enjoyable.

Dut, quit pimping some website that features pictures of your uncle and Jeff Gordon.

Mr. Ace said...

NASCAR can't be made enjoyable. Even with betting. I would watch fucking tennis before nascar.

I bet Timmy is the instructor.

Tony B. said...

I actually would've liked ending the Bears/Colts Super Bowl after the opening kick. Bears 7, Colts 0. No memories of Sexy Rexy tripping over yardlines.

The only NASCAR related things I've ever enjoyed were Days of Thunder and Talladega Nights.

Anonymous said...

I hate the competition yellows. what a joke. Teams should have rain tires and wipers for this type of shit. If not finish the race today! 50 lap shootout!. Fuck Matt Kenseth. You should have said All - Man - Dinger. lol. Off to California, Boogity Boogity Boogity. Had to dot he D.Waltrip for you G$