Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Goodbye, Emmitt

ESPN takes a lot of shit for trying to ruin sports. Most of that is well deserved and I can back that up with retarded ideas like Who's Now, Mount Rushmore, Titletown, and Stuart Scott. But for one day, feel free to pat the Worldwide Leader on it's collective back. For they finally righted a wrong and it was a long time coming.

They cut ties with Emmitt Smith.

There is no one on TV that was worse at their job than Emmitt. He doesn't even know how to speak English. You've got to think that ESPN was counting down the days until his contract expired. Even the Fox BCS team thought that Emmitt was awful on camera. But he's gone now and will probably never be heard from again. And while I won't recommend it, it's now OK to turn on Sportscenter on Sunday mornings and watch Monday Night Countdown. Feel free to not huff glue just to try and make sense of Smith's jumbled words.

Now, I was going to dig up a bunch of his stupid quotes and lay out his ineptitude for all of my readers. But that would be too hard and that is what clicking on my blogroll is for. Awful Announcing has compiled the list of Emmitt's most ignorant quotes. You better enjoy this...

AA's Top Ten Emmitt-isms:
Honorable Mentions:
"Not only does he have the NFC East record for touchdowns, but also the team record."
"Wes Worker is a possession receiver that make things happen."
"The NFC West is probably one of the weakest conferences in the whole NFC."
"The leadership definitely have to come from the leaders."
"I think it's his self-confidence in himself that make him so confident when it get down into the crunch time."

10. "Last year there was a lot of things the Colts had to address. They couldn't stop the run, and all those. That was one of the biggest things they had to address."
9. "You have to have the personality to match up with the Patriots."
8. "He's giving them all the confidences they need. He giving them the confidence that he need."
7. "They do a very good job of flying around the Football field and carousing the Football carrier."
6. "Don't worry about the game you just won or the team that we just blew out. Uhhh... blown. Blown out. Let's think about what we need to do going forward, and they had blown out."
5. "Eli Manning has been given the rites of patches."
4. "This kind of inconsistency, against a team like New England, will get you completely blowed out."
3. "You cannot change the stripes of a leopard."
2. "Go to Arizona, sharp as a whistle, and do some finishing touches, so we can go down in the Super Bowl and play our best football of the whole entire season."
1. "The strength of the Patriots, their offense, got debacled."

You might not have even realized how stupid this man is but I hope that this either helped you understand or re-confirmed your original disposition. Now if ESPN would just get rid of the abysmal Cris Carter, mormon fucktard Steve Young, Chris Mortensen (who hasn't broken a story that turned out to be factual in over 12 years now), and the constantly concussed Merril Hoge, they may one day get my respect again. Hell, I'd take 20 more years of Chris Berman if they would just fire those four fucking idiots. Oh yeah, and please light Trey Wingo on fire.

And I know what you're thinking, "Asshole, who do you want to do the football analysis?" Why not a panel of Berman, the always underrated Tom Jackson, Keyshawn, and Trent Dilfer? To me, they don't use Dilfer enough. The guy is great and actually provides insight without screaming it into his microphone.

In conclusion (and getting off topic), fuck you, Emmitt. You weren't half the running back that Barry Sanders was. Anybody could have run behind those offensive lines. You were no better than Ricky Watters. Anyone that considers Emmitt to be one of the top 5 running backs of all time is an idiot. And anyone that considers Emmitt anything but the worst football analyst ever, you should probably just swallow a 12 guage and get it over with.


Mr. Ace said...

Wow, I think I totally agree. Especially with canning Hoge, I hate that fuck. I am not quite sold on Dilfer yet, but he can't possibly be half as bad as Carter.

Anonymous said...

So you're in favor of keeping Berman, huh? Wow, this site just got a whole lot gayer.


Upstate Underdog said...

I like #3. Stripes on a leopard is classic stuff.

Anonymous said...

G$, didn't you have an entire middle finger post dedicated to how much you hate Berman and how he hasn't had any original material since the 1980's? But I will always agree with you that Barry Sanders was better than emmitt. -GSaul

Dustin said...

I think emmitt was better for what the cowboys needed than Barry would have been. If its 3rd and 2, I would much rather have emmitt than Barry because he would dance and lose yards half the time. Emmitt was also great on the goalline, while Barry was a little bitch and had to be taken out. Either way, neither were as good as Jim brown.

Mr. Ace said...

Wow great argument dustin. Emmitt was better in a 3rd & 2 situation therefore is a better RB. I will take Refrigerator Perry over any RB ever on 3rd & 2... he must be the best ever.

GMoney said...

D and GSaul, learn how to read.

Hell, I'd take 20 more years of Chris Berman if they would just fire those four fucking idiots.

If ESPN would fire the other four, I could live with Berman being shoved down my throat.

Dut, you are a retard. Barry played for the fucking Detroit Lions and made them relevant. He would have had multiple 2000 yard seasons had he played in Dallas. With Barry, you didn't have to worry about 3rd and 2 because he only needed a carry or two to move the chains.

And you weren't even close to being alive when Jim Brown played so don't play that card. You know what, take the rest of the day off because you need to get your head out of your ass.

Anonymous said...

I know what you wrote, it's just that I would rather watch 24 straight hours of Brad Garrett comedy than watch Chris Berman for 20 minutes.


Dustin said...

Barry didn't make the lions relevant- I believe that would be Scott Mitchell and Wayne fontes

Tony B. said...

Gotta agree with Damman on this one- firing those guys would not be an excuse for more Berman- he's the worst.

Jeff said...

If espn is gonna let anyone go, lets start with the ambiguously gay duo of mike and mike.

GMoney said...

Wait, wait, wait.

You guys are telling me that if you had the choice of getting rid of Cris Carter, Young, Mort, and Stu Scott FOREVER or Chris Berman, you would choose Berman?

I don't like the guy either, but come on, 4 is better than 1.

Tony B. said...

Loathing of Berman > Benefit of firing Young+Scott+Mort+Carter

Sometimes quality outweighs quantity.