Wednesday, February 04, 2009

The Best Of The Buckeye Football Blotter

You all know how I feel about Ohio State's football program. I don't care for it. It insists upon itself. But that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate the comedy that it provides. With Alex Boone's hilarious arrest from this weekend (pictured, looking fantastic), the Buckeyes continue to give us reasons to point and laugh. These numerous run-in's with the law also give me a great rush because I never know when my life will be altered by some idiot football player thinking that he's above the law. I've compiled a list of my favorite Buckeye arrests over the past few years so we can all get a cheap laugh. I think that you will all enjoy this post.

Alex Boone: The Drunk Incredible Hulk
When they arrived, the 6-foot-8, 312-pound tackle had been jumping on car hoods, yanking on a tow truck cable and trying to break a window, said sheriff's spokesman Jim Amormino. Boone ran away from deputies and was found hiding underneath a patio, authorities said. Boone was combative and uncooperative and had to be taken down with a stun gun, Amormino said. "He was yelling obscenities at deputies and had a strong smell of alcohol," Amormino said. "His blood-alcohol level was at least three times the legal amount."
It takes a special kind of stupid to drop your own draft stock without even being on the field.

Nathan Williams: PWNED By Department Store
Ohio State football player Nathan Williams was arrested on a misdemeanor count of theft in the Macy's store at the Mall at Fairfield Commons. According to an incident report from Beavercreek Police, Williams, 19, shoplifted three shirts valued at $80.
Oh, but don't worry, he was just "holding" the clothes for his buddy!

Antonio Henton: Too Poor For Cop Love
Alas, after the arrest, it all became clear. Apparently Mr. Henton’s classes have not paid off yet. He must have missed study table on the day the tutor went over addition and basic currency transactions. It seems that young Mr. Henton agreed to pay $20 for a piece of police officer pie, but only had $19 in his pocket.
Let this be a lesson...hookers are for schlubs that sit at their desks all day, not for quarterbacks.

Darrion Scott: Father Of The Year
Scott was arrested again on April 30, 2008 for suspicion of assault and malicious punishment of a child. Scott will face two felony charges and one misdemeanor charge. The boy's mother allegedly found Scott holding a dry cleaning bag over the child's head. Scott told police the two were playing a game with the bag, and Scott wanted to see if the boy could get the bag off his head by himself.
Wait a minute! My dad never played this game with me! Total bullshit, I think I would have been good at "get the plastic bag off my head". I feel so cheated.

Maurice Clarett: The Black Rambo
In the early morning hours of August 9, 2006, Clarett was arrested in Columbus after he made an illegal u-turn and led the police on a chase in an SUV reportedly belonging to his uncle. After driving over a police-mounted spike strip, the chase ended in a nearby restaurant parking lot. Police said they were forced to secure a cloth around Clarett's mouth after he allegedly spit at the officers and called them "n****rs" during the arrest. The officers discovered a katana, a loaded AK-47 and two other loaded handguns in his vehicle along with an open bottle of Grey Goose.
Nothing more can be said about this guy. What a class act!

Obviously, things like this happen everywhere. But I don't think that ALL of these happen in one place (maybe Florida State). And that is what makes Columbus special and extremely dangerous. Keep in mind, I didn't even mention the DUI's (Boone again! and Doug Worthington), the drug trafficking (TJ Downing and Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes), and the domestic violence (Holmes again!).

On this National Signing Day, I think it's appropriate to focus on the incoming Buckeyes recruiting class. I mean, really study it. Because you never know, the guy that signs on the dotted line today could be the guy that jumps you for ten bucks and your cell phone tomorrow.

Do you know how the USA Network advertises their shows by saying, "Characters Welcome"? I'm fairly certain that there's a sign outside of Jim Tressel's office that reads, "Got No Character? Welcome!"

It's always a great day when you can laugh and take shots at the Buckeyes...


Anonymous said...

This is funny shit.


Grumpy said...

Rolling on the floor funny shit. "...police officer pie." That's classic. Still not too late to try the plastic bag game.

Jeff H said...

That's crazy about Boone. I dont understand why they tasered him, all the cops had to do was put on a Texas/USC/or Penn state jersey and Boone wouldve been on the ground in a second...ZING!!!!

Dustin said...

Jeff get off the scout boards you bum... I've heard that joke 3 times from 3 different people already.

I would take 5 more claretts if it meant another title. Maybe I have no morals? If anyone says they wouldn't they're full of shit!

Upstate Underdog said...

"America's Most Wanted" or "Cops" could do an entire season from the campus of Ohio St

GMoney said...

Let's take a minute to really focus on how great Boone's mugshot is. That has to be one of the best ever. It's up there with Nick Nolte and Glenn Campbell.

Boone is destined to be a Raider, Bengal, or Cowboy.

rstiles said...

THE Ohio State University's Finest!!!!!

Tressel makes "real men" out of you....LMAO!!!!


Anonymous said...

I like that in the last three years we have had exactly....

A guy get a weak DUI...big difference from blowing a .09 to Kevin Grady's .25 or whatever that was. DUI's are bad and dumb though.

A guy who tried to get a hooker. Is this really that bad of a thing?

A guy who shop-lifed a couple shirts from a Macy's.

And a guy who got into a bar fight.

*I don't count Boone as he's out of here.

We've had our share of big problems (Clarret). But, we have been really on fire with the behavior over the last few years. Go a little East to Penn State if you want to speak of out of control programs.
Or, take a look at Iowa where Ferentz basically tried to cover up a dorm rape his players did.


GMoney said...

Soooooo, are you justifying their behavior, Drew? It feels like you're making excuses and dragging others down with you.

By the way, when I stop by your place, you get your ass out of bed and snap off a salute to me.

Tony B. said...

You'd be surprised what kind of great drinking games you can play with a katana, a loaded AK47 and a couple loaded handguns... needless to say they take Damman's OSU bball drinking game to a whole new level.

Anonymous said...

G$....I'm not justifying it. Well, maybe the hooker thing...I got no problem with that.

But, I think we've been about as good as any football program can be for the last three years or so.

There are much worse out there. PSU being the worst right now...but I don't exactly blame them as they have a walking corpse who is supposed to monitor them.


Anonymous said...

Oh....also, I had no clue you came over. Next time you pull a stunt like that, knock on my door and greet me with a morning beer.


Jeff said...

If you really wanted to you could google most programs and find this shit about their players. Ohio State just makes makes headlines because they are an elite program and we're in Columbus.

Mac G said...

Awesome Post GMoney.

GMoney said...

Thank you, Jeff, for trying to tell me how to run my site. If some other program has a former player go crazy on police with a BAL of 100%, then maybe I'll do just that. Until then, my balls could use a good tongue-washing and you seem like you're volunteering.

Allan Stokke said...

"I would take 5 more claretts if it meant another title"

I assume you would also take 5 more refs with the uncanny ability to replay plays in their head after they occured?

Matt said...

Our all-convict team could win the Big 10.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what is more sad, that you had to reach back to Clarrett just to scrape together 5 guys, or that you sit and comment on your own blog.