If you are keeping score at home, Alex Rodriguez has now apologized twice for using steroids. Whatever. It's over and it isn't that big of a deal anymore. In his most recent apology, Baseball Jesus informed the world that he and his cousin got the 'roids from the Dominican Republic. Ever since PED's became a big issue in baseball, all that everyone ever wanted was for those that were guilty to admit it. A-Rod has. Twice. But to the media, that isn't good enough. They want names. They want details. They want your pin number. They want a kidney. It's never enough with these guys. Fortunately for them, I can help the mainstream media with one thing.
Growing up, I was always outstanding at the game "Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego?" Nobody could stop me when it came to tracking fugitives across the globe. I was one helluva gumshoe (whatever that means). So let me make this easy on those investigative reporters out there. Let me find "The Cousin". For God's sake, this man is guilty of bringing drugs onto our soil. Won't someone please think of the children!
That being said, I've compiled a short list of potential cousins that could be guilty of aiding and abetting this week's "worst person ever".
Cousin Cody Lambert - Why Cody? Never trust a grown man that drives a van with a bed in it. He could be a coyote with that kind of set up.
Cousin Larry Appleton - Why Larry? We believe that he helped smuggle his cousin, Balki, into the country.
Terry Cousin - Why Terry? No real reason but I'm sure that Browns fans wouldn't mind seeing him in jail.
My Cousin Vinny Gambini - Why Vinny? It's hard to ignore his mob ties.
Cousin Sal Iacono - Why Sal? He's good friends with Bill Simmons and that is deserving of jail time.
Cousin Itt - Why Itt? Why not?
Cousin Andy - Why Andy? He tried to steal Larry David's smoking jacket!
The Prime Suspect:
Cousin Eddie - Why Eddie? Everything about this man screams "international man of mystery". He drives across the country, keeps snakes as pets, and buries his money in the desert. He could easily be stashing steroids out there today.
I'm on to you, Cousin Eddie. I know that you are the one that is sabotaging Alex Rodriguez. You are the mystery cousin and you will go down for this. I don't care how full your shitter is.