Thursday, February 19, 2009

An APB On A-Rod's Cousin

If you are keeping score at home, Alex Rodriguez has now apologized twice for using steroids. Whatever. It's over and it isn't that big of a deal anymore. In his most recent apology, Baseball Jesus informed the world that he and his cousin got the 'roids from the Dominican Republic. Ever since PED's became a big issue in baseball, all that everyone ever wanted was for those that were guilty to admit it. A-Rod has. Twice. But to the media, that isn't good enough. They want names. They want details. They want your pin number. They want a kidney. It's never enough with these guys. Fortunately for them, I can help the mainstream media with one thing.

Growing up, I was always outstanding at the game "Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego?" Nobody could stop me when it came to tracking fugitives across the globe. I was one helluva gumshoe (whatever that means). So let me make this easy on those investigative reporters out there. Let me find "The Cousin". For God's sake, this man is guilty of bringing drugs onto our soil. Won't someone please think of the children!

That being said, I've compiled a short list of potential cousins that could be guilty of aiding and abetting this week's "worst person ever".
The suspects:

Cousin Cody Lambert - Why Cody? Never trust a grown man that drives a van with a bed in it. He could be a coyote with that kind of set up.

Cousin Larry Appleton - Why Larry? We believe that he helped smuggle his cousin, Balki, into the country.

Terry Cousin - Why Terry? No real reason but I'm sure that Browns fans wouldn't mind seeing him in jail.

My Cousin Vinny Gambini - Why Vinny? It's hard to ignore his mob ties.

Cousin Sal Iacono - Why Sal? He's good friends with Bill Simmons and that is deserving of jail time.

Cousin Itt - Why Itt? Why not?

Cousin Andy - Why Andy? He tried to steal Larry David's smoking jacket!

The Prime Suspect:

Cousin Eddie - Why Eddie? Everything about this man screams "international man of mystery". He drives across the country, keeps snakes as pets, and buries his money in the desert. He could easily be stashing steroids out there today.
I'm on to you, Cousin Eddie. I know that you are the one that is sabotaging Alex Rodriguez. You are the mystery cousin and you will go down for this. I don't care how full your shitter is.


Anonymous said...


Dustin said...

The problem is he isn't telling the whole truth.

And I'd like to nominate another 97.1 commercial to the fucking terrible list- the window repair commercials where the guy reads off a script and sounds like he's talkin to a 2nd grader. Terrible!

Dustin said...

And where did all your lowlife commenters go?

Tony B. said...

I liked the post- especially the part where everyone should stop talking about A-Rod. The rest of the story is irrelevant unless he's in the court of law.

GMoney said...

Dut, apparently you know the whole truth so how about revealing it so we can all go back to our meaningless lives of hating Ohio State fans.

Anonymous said...

he isn't telling the whole truth, he's beating around the bush. Yeah they really wanted to know the name of the cousin. and now we do, that definatly helps him out a little. I still have a feeling this is far from over.

Anonymous said...

A-Rod represents everything that is wrong with baseball.

Allan Stokke said...

Oh man Al on Step by Step (IRL Christine Lakin) was so damn hot. I bet Cody was all over that shit.