Monday, January 05, 2009

The Worst of Wild Card Weekend


In his Friday column on ESPN.com, Bill Simmons stated that one of his goals before the end of this decade was to go 11-0 against the spread on his NFL playoff picks. He failed miserably. Do you realize who went a perfect 4-0 this weekend? That's right, the greatest gambling mind in the world, me. It was almost shocking to see how accurate I was with my picks. It was as if I stole the Grey's Sports Almanac from old Biff Tannen and gave my loyal readers the kind of insight that they don't deserve. But there is still work to do before this NFL season comes to a close. I've got 7 more games to nail before I reach immortality. I will do this. I must do this. Enough about me, though, let's get to the goats of this pretty boring football weekend, shall we? We've cut the number down from 10 to 5 but the breakdown on each one will be top notch per usual. On with the show:

5. Tyler Hansbrough - Lost in the shuffle of a weekend packed of football goodness, was last night's shocking upset in Chapel Hill. Boston College went into the Dean Dome and ended the Heels' bid for a potentially perfect season. Even with the referees pulling a Tom Donaghy and giving Roy's Boys EVERY call down the stretch, Big Teeth Skinner's Eagles dominated the #1 team in the nation. Let's end this talk now...North Carolina is not the best college hoops team ever. They may not even be the best team this year (Pitt is fucking awesome and they had the honor of beating the RedHawks). Hell, they would get rolled by that Heels team that won the title a few years back. And, dammit, Hansbrough gets away with murder in the post. He should be fouling out of every game but he gets the Laettner treatment by everyone. And he sucks.

4. Michael Turner - The only chance that the Falcons had was if The Burner exploded for at least 125 yards against the Cardinals. He didn't even get to 50. What really stuck out to me about this game was how tight the Falcons played in the first and third quarter. I mean, they were playing with the house's money since they already achieved their goals this season, I figured that they would come out gunning. But Matty Ice took too long to get going and now they must go home. Let me ask you this: when was the last time a team won in the postseason when their douchebag owner stood on the sidelines during the game? Stay in your box, Artie Blank. Home Depot sucks. Finally, was that an Edgerrin James sighting? I thought he died three years ago.

3. Tarvaris Jackson - This guy just isn't very good. He isn't a QB that is going to win you a big game. I was surprised at the effectiveness of Adrian Peterson considering that the Eagles were going to make Jackson beat them. But he kept grinding and got his yards with a couple of scores and didn't even put the ball on the turf. I give HERM! a lot of credit for being the worst coach ever, but Brad Childress is completely ignorant. He does NOTHING right. One thing I am kind of coming around on is Andy Reid's playoff beard. It's growing on me. Why he wore his parka fat-suit for a game in a dome though is something I will never understand.

2. Chad Pennington - Poor Rat Boy. He, like Matt Ryan, was playing with house money yesterday but unfortunately was the sacrificial lamb for the Ravens defense. 4 interceptions and one being returned for a TD only proves my point that the Dolphins truly did suck. This game was unwatchable. Both quarterbacks should be playing in the arena league. I am extremely proud of myself for falling asleep for the first quarter and then watching the Cavs (lose to the Wiz, really?) instead. I fully expect Miami to go back to their normal and winning 5 games next season when they actually play a real schedule. Another point not mentioned! Another Bill Parcells team that doesn't win in the postseason...who'd'a thunk it?

1. The Colts' Composure - If you didn't watch this game, you are not an American. This was, by FAR, the best game of the season. Before we get to the breakdown, Colts fans can take all of their excuses and shove them up their asses. If you've got a beef, how about you win your division next year. The playoff format isn't changing just because you couldn't beat Norv Turner. There were many factors leading to the Colts dismissal from the playoffs: Mike Scifres bad ass punting skills, no running game, inability to stop Darren Sproles (I called that shit!), and fucking dumb, retard penalties. Notice that I didn't say Phil Rivers because he absolutely sucked. When Rivers threw the ball away to a RB by pussing it about 3 yards in front of him, he totally reinvented the "Gay Pass". Not since Kordell Stewart has a QB executed the Gay Pass better than Rivers did on Saturday night. That shit made me embarrassed to be an NFL fan.

There you go. Discuss what you want to in the comments. As far as tonight's Fiesta Bowl, I should get a prediction in. One thing that you worry about is that a team will not show up to play because they think that they deserved a better bowl. Unfortunately for Buckeyes fans, Alabama and Texas Tech already filled that role for bowl season this year. So now you have to match them player-for-player and you don't want that at all. Jim Tressel has stated that they are implementing plays that have both Terrelle Pryor and Todd Boeckman on the field at the same time. I'm sure that Texas is scared shitless about that. That was the funniest news that I'd heard since the Barkley DUI/BJ incident. Why would you tell your opponent that you plan on putting your shitty backup QB in the game? Whatever. Ohio State puts the exclamation point on the sentence, "The Big Ten Still Sucks". Texas wins by double digits, 34-17. I'll be back tomorrow to discuss the aforementioned matchup so OSU fans can either get their bragging shoes out or make excuses once again. Take your pick because I'll be sitting on my high horse. Hook 'em Horns!

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

While the game was dreadfully boring, you have to like the way the Ravens are playing. Ed Reed is a beast along with the rest of the defense and they can run the ball. They are my pick to win the Super Bowl.

As for the Buckeyes, they will get the monkey of their back tonight. Pryor will have his official coming out party and the Bucks win 27-21. The key will be how our offensively holds up against their pass rush because as we all know in the last two BCS games and the USC game this year the Buckeyes O-line has gotten bitch slapped. Why do think this game will be different? I'm not sure. Call it a gut feeling.

As far Pryor and Boeckman playing at the same time, it's not gonna happen. Why would Tress, one of the most boring coaches of all time who never says anything worthwhile in his pressers, all of the sudden come out and openly broadcast his intentions of running trick plays? I'm not buying it. It's just him being the snake that G$ claims him to be and throwing out some BS to his old buddy Mack Brown.

Go Bucks!!

-Damman

GMoney said...

The Ravens defense isn't good enough to cover the forthcoming 3 pick game that Joe Flacco has. That guy is terrible.

J Beanie said...

Congratulations on your perfect weekend. The last time you pulled a perfect weekend was that time you hooked up with your perfect guy on all three nights of the three day weekend. I'm so proud of you.

Couldn't you have made room for the announcers/sideline reporting for the games. My god that was some awful shit.

J Beanie said...

Oh, go Horns!!! 42-23.

Mr. Ace said...

I called Sproles too!! But I still picked the fucking Cunts.

Pryor will have 3 turnovers this game. One pick and two fumbles lost. The Texas D will be all over him and not even he, the great TP, will be able to escape.

The heels are last place in the ACC, haha...and good teams don't lose at home to teams with equal or lesser talent, right G$?

The Falcons don't stand a chance when Ryan throws 40 times and Turner only gets 18 touches. Damnit the Cardinals suck.

Bill Simmons sucks.

GMoney said...

Correction, Beanie, it was THREE perfect guys on three nights of a three day weekend. It was like a Schmitt's Gay commercial. I had a big thurst and I was gay.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to think of tonight's Fiesta Bowl. I can, however, tell you one thing. I don't have the same gut feeling that OSU is going to get rolled like I did going into the LSU and USC game. I think Ohio State will keep it interesting and hang around by running the ball effectively and controllng the clock against a team that has not seen a runner like Chris wells all season long, but in the end, Colt McCoy's consistency and experience shows as he puts it out of reach in the final 5 minutes.

Texas 30 OSU 20

-Lil' Strut

Tyler & Trevor Ault said...

who is tom donaghy? is he related to tim donaghy?

GMoney said...

No, you're not. You are not fucking pulling that shit. If you want to be my copy editor, go for it. It's a job that actually costs you money and all you get in return is packed fudge by Tom Donaghy.

Jeff said...

31-24 Ohio State. Pryor plays a solid game and takes care of the football. And for crazy reason which I'm not sure of yet, Alex Boone wins the battle between him and Brian Orakpo. The buckeye defense flusters Colt McCoy all game long.

Anonymous said...

Haha, I liked the Back to the Future reference...haven't heard a Biff joke in awhile! Got me laughing.

Hook 'em Horns!!!!

-GSaul

Mr. Ace said...

Also, congrats G$, you got linked by this guy http://fauseyrants.blogspot.com/

Your blog has made it big time.