Monday, January 12, 2009

The Worst of The Divisional Round Vol.II

Damn. So close. My quest for picking perfection now stands at 7-1. Who would have figured that the Arizona Cardinals would have stopped a force like myself? But now that the pressure is off, it's time to refocus on the task at hand and continue to help you gamblers out there. Most people (Bill Simmons) would mail it in for the rest of the postseason and give you horrible advice but I will not. On Friday, I will be back and better than ever. As far as the action went this weekend, it was for the birds. Literally. The three teams with bird mascots all advanced and the other team is from the same city that there are Penguins. Think about it. Unless you are a RedHawk, it's a pretty good time to be a bird. Needless to say, it's bad time to not be able to have a beak and shit on whatever you want to (note to self, stop talking about poop). And there were some easy goats for every team that bricked their hopes and dreams this weekend:

5. Pacman Jones - I'm confused. You plan to sue ESPN for defamation of character eventhough your name is Pacman fucking Jones, but then you give Screamin' A. Smiff an interview the next day? What the fuck? This guy just continues to amaze me. Whether it's that he believes that he will be playing somewhere next season or the fact that he keeps on denying that he tried to pay some guy named "Slugga" to kill people, the guy is the blogger's gift that keeps on giving. And let's not forget about the lies. There is not one person in America that believes him when he says that he attends AA meetings in Dallas 1-2 times per week. Pac, if Dallas doesn't want you, than no one does. It's over, bitch.

4. Ron Rivera - That was one of the worst defensive game plans that I have seen. You've got a QB that just suffered his third concussion and a group of running backs that aren't good. In essence, you should blitz the shit out of Big Ben on throwing downs and stuff the run on first and second forcing the Steelers and their foggy QB to pass. Instead, Rivera took the brilliant approach of letting the God awful Willie Parker go nuts and never sent anyone after the passer. If you want a blueprint on how to not run a defense, the Chargers gave it to you last night. Maybe Ron knew that the world was tired of Phil Rivers throwing his gay passes. In that case, thanks, Ronnie!!!

3. Every Titan other than Kerry Collins - This was actually my favorite game of the weekend. It was a fucking slugfest and all of the injuries proved that. You had both teams just killing each other on the field and that is why I love the NFL. There had to have been 15 injuries in that game. Unfortunately for Tennessee, Chris Johnson's ankle was the biggest one. I can't believe that I'm going to say this but Kerry Collins was sensational. The guy was money. It wasn't his fault that his lardass RB and TE couldn't hang onto the ball. It wasn't his fault that his teammates committed retarded penalties. It wasn't his fault that his defense let the shitty Joe Flacco move the ball at the end. And it wasn't his fault that Rob Bironas choked a field goal. That was one of those games that neither deserved to win, but neither deserved to lose either. Oh, and let's not forget about how bad that officiating was. They shouldn't have a game the rest of the postseason.

2. Eli Manning - THAT was the retard QB that we all grew to hate! Awesome, just awesome. Look, I hate the Eagles just as much as the next guy, but the world needed to be reminded that Eli has always been a fraud. You can throw out the Plax excuse as much you want to, but when Jacobs is gashing it on the ground and the Eagles are semi on their heels because of it, the QB needs to take advantage of that. But Eli countered by throwing wounded duck after interception after wounded duck. It was glorious. I've got to give props to someone that I've always hated out of respect and not because I think he sucks: Brian Dawkins. That guy, even at 34, is still one of the best players in football. I'm sure that Mr. Ace will drop a few more nuggets about this game later but all you really need to know is that Eli Manning is who we thought he was...terrible.

1. Jake Delhomme - In the history of the NFL, that may have been the worst game ever played by any player in any situation that didn't involved someone with the last name "Detmer". Let's see here: the Panthers had the better defense, running game, coaching, and home field and it all unraveled before them because Jake Delhomme sucks. Huge balls. I could have turned the ball over less than 6 times. Let's just go back in the way-back machine and remember that this is the same Cardinals defense that couldn't stop ANYONE in the past 2 months of the season. It's not like they have flipped a switch. They were dominant against Atlanta because they knew Matt Ryan's snap count and the owned the Panthers because Delhomme thought that they were on his team. If I was a Panthers fan (I don't think that they even have any), I would be throwing molatov cocktails through the windows of his house and car right now. Hell, as a fan of good football, I should be doing that. If you live in the greater Charlotte area, I am granting anyone immunity if they commit terrorists acts against the Delhomme household. What goes around comes around.

Over at Beanie's site, my pre-playoffs Super Bowl prediction was Philly and Pittsburgh and I stand by that. It's an easy decision. Because if the Super Bowl is Bawl-mer vs. Arizona, it would be the end of the NFL's dominance in the landscape of sports. I'm serious. It would be disastrous. The Ravens have no offense and the Cardinals were arguably the 8th best team in the NFC and, in a perfect world, would not have made the playoffs at all. Two weeks of the media sucking the dicks of Kurt Warner and Ray you really want that??? Give me the awesomeness of Mike Tomlin and Andy Reid's surprisingly great playoff beard any day. I'm out. We're talking hoops tomorrow because we haven't in a while. If you don't like it, feel free to shit on the floor (dammit!).


Grumpy said...

Eli proves last year was a fluke and he is a pussy. I thought Ben looked sharp. He put some balls into some pretty tight spots.

Mr. Ace said...

It's about fucking time B-Dawk gets some love on the money shot.

Jake Delhomo was hilarious. Fuck just playoffs, I don't think I have ever seen a worse performance...and I have watched McNabb suck it up for the last 4 years.

The Eagles gave the NFL a blueprint on how to stop the Steelers a couple months ago but nobody can seem to follow it. We sacked Ben 8 times and Leftwich 1 time. 6 points.

Who is ready for a Keystone State Super Bowl?

MuDawgfan said...

7-1 is damn impressive G$, you're making Simmons look like a pre-teen girl with his betting skills (again).

Also, Dawkins is awesome. He's living proof that having a great safety is a huge part of successful defense.

GMoney said...

It really pisses me off when columnists say that Joe Flacco has won two road playoff games. No he hasn't. He "has not lossed" two road playoff games. I fucking hate that caveman asshole.

Upstate Underdog said...

Why do I sense if the eagles win the Super Bowl the rioting in Philly will be greater than the rioting after the Phils beat the D-rays.

MuDawgfan said...

Upstate Underdog -

I'd give the Iggles fans till Wednesday till they've totally taken over the desert. Cardinals fans have no idea what's coming their way.

The posh and effete Cardinals fans don't stand a chance against the Philly faithful.

Anonymous said...

I don't mean to call you out, but aren't you 6-2? You picked the Titans but the Ravens won. Unless you are counting the spread in your record.


GMoney said...

The picks are against the spread. Don't you worry your pretty head.