Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Someone Finally Turned On The Stove

It took long enough but teams other than the Yankees have actually started signing free agents. Enough with the chit-chat about Ohio State sucking--check that, I mean choking, let's dive into my thoughts on the new faces in new places coming to a ballpark near you this Summer. Well, let me get something off of my rippled chest first:

Andy Pettitte is a fucktard - What the fuck? He says that he wants to come back and pitch in the new Yankee Stadium. He says that he will take a paycut. He is nothing more than a .500 pitcher now and everyone knows this. The Yankees give him a sweetheart deal that no one else will come close to out of respect to his past. 1 year for 10 million for a guy that couldn't get anyone out in the second half of last year. What is he thinking? For some reason, this asshole thinks much more highly of himself than any other person does. This is a total slap in the face to the organization and the fanbase. Nobody really cares if he comes back or not. They don't really need him. He'll be nothing more than a 5 starter anyway. Oh, and remember that HGH admission? Yeah, us fans kind of ignored that because he was a true Yankee. And then he pulls this shit. You are dead to me, Andy Pettitte. I'd rather have D-Razz than you at this point.

Brad Penny is a Red...Sock? - That has always puzzled me. How do you say this. He isn't a Red Sox. That makes no sense. I don't really understand this move. The Red Sox needed another starter so they got a high risk/medium reward guy eventhough money isn't an issue. Penny isn't even good anymore and he has to weigh upwards of 400 pounds. If you are going to take a leap on a high ceiling guy, I'd much rather throw a few extra million Ben Sheets' way and hope that his arm doesn' fall off like Anton Lubchenko's leg (somebody better get that reference, I'm looking at you, Beanie).

The Rays signed Pat Burrell - This is a pretty nice fit in that lineup. I think his numbers come down a bit since he's playing in the superior league, but he'll be able to protect Pena and Longoria. The Rays really need a left-handed bat to protect all those power righties though. Maybe they don't, I don't know, they might just fluke their way again this season. But I doubt it, now that they have lofty expectations that they won't meet. THEIR CLOSER IS TROY PERCIVAL!

The Cubs signed Milton Bradley - Buyer beware. Sure, the guy can hit. But he's also insane and is the most likely player in all of baseball to light himself on fire. He's also been a bit brittle in recent years. I thought that Bobby Abreu was a much better fit for the Cubs just because you can pencil in his career numbers every year. He's not as fast as he used to be, but I think he's more a of a 30 million dollar man than Bradley. But neither of these guys are as much of a 30 million dollar man compared to Ted DiBiase. And that guy can play a mean right field.

The A's are going to sign Jason Giambi - He was the poster boy for the Yankees demise, but he's a good guy and deserves to go to a place where he's beloved. And Oakland loves him. I think he could have a decent season hitting behind Matt Holliday. It's really weird seeing the A's spend money. Clearly they are just trying recreate, as Homer would paint it, "'74 A's BEST TEAM EVER".

And finally, the Indians signed Carl Pavano - I don't care what you say, this is a horrible, awful, no-good, shitty, anally-induced abortion of a move. You could be paying this bum in UNICEF pennies and it would be too much. It takes a real fucking idiot for a good guy like Mike Mussina to absolutely hate you but Carl did it, according to a Feinstein book, in about 3 days. Indians fans, get ready for a bunch of fake injuries and absurd numbskullery. This guy brings it to the table. This isn't even a low risk/high reward situation. This is a clubhouse divided certainty/no reward situation. Congratulations on being mathematically eliminated before pitchers and catchers even report.

Now were left with one really huge name still left out there...Manny Ramirez. Rumor had it that he was going to sign with the Giants but his demands were too high to the team that overpaid for Eddie Renteria and Randy Johnson. Call me crazy, but I'd rather have Manny than those two dildos. But then again, I've already got two dildos.


Dustin said...

No mention of the tigers huge moves this year?

Mr. Ace said...

It's January, who cares.

Anonymous said...

Dustin....he knows that he doesn't even need to mention the beautiful trade for Edwin Jackson by the Tigers.

G$...You said you already have two dildos....would these be two dildos on the Yankees or the two dildos you keep in your night stand?


rstiles said...

I agree 100% with you about Pettitte...

As a Yankees fan, I am disappointed in him...he made $32 million over the last two years...and he is turning down a $10 million deal???


J Beanie said...

Carl Pavano will have more wins than C.C.

How come you didn't mention the Indians other two moves? To get Mark DeRosa and Joe Smith and Kerry Wood. Any time you can add two pitchers with history of arm problems, an average utility player and a guy with the most common name in the history of the universe, you know it's a good offseason.

GMoney said...

Drew, in the nightstand of course. I thought that I made that clear. Getting the Rays 6th starter for your best OF prospect is something that I thought you would try to ignore.

Mr. Ace, we talk about football everyday, I need a break.

Thank you, Stiles.

Beanie, I don't think it's possible for CC to have negative wins.

Tony B. said...

I think the Cubs need someone crazy like Milton Bradley to get further in the playoffs. The headiness to stab a fan in the throat if they boo will pay dividends in the postseason. If he's healthy, it's a good signing.

Irishman said...

i like the signing of Bradley. I heard Abreau was asking for 3 yr. 48 mill. that 16 per.. I don't see anyone paying that though.

Anonymous said...

I've got my playoff tickets already. Carl Pavano will lead the Tribe to the promised land.


Anonymous said...

The Bradley breakdown was laugh out loud funny!! And by the way, Sara Chalke will never surpass her work on "Roseanne!"

--the Wig Master

Randolph said...

The Anton reference is to the kicker on the Simpsons.