Friday, January 09, 2009

The NFL Is "Damaged"

Any of you losers watch the FX legal drama, Damages? It's an ok show with a decent storyline and some quality acting. Anyway, season 2 debuted Wednesday night and since last week I went 4-0 in my NFL picks going with a bizarre Hollywood metaphor, I'm doing it again. In case you are unfamiliar with the show, Glenn Close's nasty ass runs her own law firm and she will pretty much do whatever it takes to win a case. For God's sake, she even tried to ruin the great Ted Danson's life last season! Every once in awhile, Close will say something sexual and I will run out of the room screaming for my mom while vomiting uncontrollably at the same time. However, she is not afraid to get her hands a little bloody to have things go her way. As a stone cold killer myself, I respect that.

Using that backdrop, have any of you noticed the complete and utter injustice in the NFL schedule this weekend? The Ravens, winners on Sunday, turn around and play the best team in football on SATURDAY afternoon. The Chargers meanwhile get an extra day off to prepare. What the hell? If you play on Saturday in week one of the playoffs, you should be playing on Saturday for week 2 as well. I don't get it. But then I remember who the commish is of this league. He remembers how awful that Ravens Super Bowl win in 2000 was. He hasn't forgotten. He also sees the writing on the wall that this boring-ass team could be on the verge of going back there again. And he knows that they must be stopped. I applaud him for rigging things against the Ravens and preventing all of us from the shittiness which is the Baltimore Ravens. Let's just hope that this ploy is good enough to rid us of Ray Lewis. If it doesn't work, he could always call Glenn Close and have her get naked in the Ravens locker room. On with the picks and my quest to go 11-0:

Baltimore @ Tennessee (-3)
Here's the thing about the NFL: every time that something seems obvious, it is always wrong. Most people love the Ravens on the road this week due to their fantastic defense and not having Kerry Collins. I admit, it is tempting to go with the dog straight up here. But let's not forget about how good this Titans team is. 3 weeks ago, with homefield on the line, they beat the shit out of the Steelers who everyone pencilled in as the winner before the game. If Joe Flacco can only complete 9 passes in perfect temperature Miami, he might not complete any in a cold Nashville against a great defense. This game will be boring and Flacco's turnovers end up being the key. Titans win 13-12 but don't cover.

Arizona @ Carolina (-10)
On the surface, this line seems way to high. The Cardinals can score and were only beaten by 4 in Carolina earlier in the season. But then you realize that the Cardinals are awful, it's going to be cold, Boldin isn't going to be a factor, last week's defensive performance was a fluke, the Panthers are physical, Steve Smith can't be covered, and once again, the Cardinals are awful. This one is not going to be pretty. I have a weird feeling that we see Matt Leinart in this game after Julius Peppers uses Kurt Warner's ribs like a Flintstones xylophone. Panthers 38, Cardinals 17.

Philadelphia @ New York (-4)
This is my kind of football and I wish that they would have put it on Saturday night. Two NFC East teams that hate each other both of which feature retards at QB. In the two games earlier this season, both home teams lost. What does that mean? Fuck if I know. I think it's pretty easy to determine who wins this game actually: who wins the battle on the ground between Jacobs and Westbrook? For some strange reason, I think that the champs go down this weekend. They definitely won't cover, I am certain of that. Eagles 19, Giants 17.

San Diego @ Pittsburgh (-6)
The Chargers won their Super Bowl last week. While Pittsburgh fans used to cheer on Kordell's "gay passes", they will simply just laugh at Rivers on Sunday. The Chargers suck when they head East. I don't trust them in cold weather. Their kicker seems to have nerves made of yarn. They are coached by Norv Turner. The Steelers defense will be ready for Darren Sproles. I don't like this matchup for the Bolts. Big Ben will be playing with a concussion which means that Willie Parker better quit being a pussy and be ready to run the ball. Too much defense, it's close for awhile but never really in doubt. Steelers 20, Chargers 10.

I'm not as confident about these pics as I was last week, but nobody said going 11-0 would be easy. Enjoy the football.


Anonymous said...

Admit it. Your "Damaged" theme wasn't from some FX Legal Drama, but because you love the song "Damaged" by Danity Kane.


GMoney said...

I have no idea who or what that is. I know nothing of what I assume this is rap. You know this to be true because I'm still pissed that someone stole my Shaq Diesel CD 6 years ago.

Jeff said...

I agree with the picks this week. As long as the titans don't throw the ball anywhere close (and by close I mean within 50 yds) of Ed Reed they should be fine. Make the Ravens offense score all their points, which will not be enough to win. The Giants Eagles game is a coin flip, but I have a hard time going against the G-Men at home with a healthy Brandon Jacobs this time around. Covering the spread though, who the hell knows.

Dustin said...

Prediction number 5: browns in playoffs next year led by mangenius and the best DC in football rob Ryan. Be afraid, AFC north, be afraid!

Jeff said...

Prediction #6: Dut was actually in the bathroom cleaning up Mangini's mess after he shit himself because another team decided to on 4 more years mediocrity by hiring him.

-after yesterday we all know Dut's fetish with shit

GMoney said...

Rob Ryan isn't even the best DC in his own family. But at least he has gorgeous, flowing locks.

Mangini is a tool.

Anonymous said...


Mr. Ace said...

The eagles have to win, or I have no excuse not to shave. Now I can say it is a rally beard, if we lose, I am just lazy.

Dut, I really hope you are this excited about getting those two bums.

I must say that I like the chargers though. The steelers aren't good. They only beat the chargers by one point last time at pittsburgh. Go Norv!

Dustin said...

Jeff- I think you read that post wrong yesterday. I am not the one who loves shit, bitch.

Jeff said...

Dut- you love shit and or girls that love shit, same difference.

Steelers win. Chargers offense will be ineffective against the steelers D and the sloppy field conditions. Home field is key in this match up.

Irishman said...

I got a Prediction.. Bengals in The Super Bowl next year...LOL

Anonymous said...

Since when is it cold in Carolina?