Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Groom Knows Dick: The DJ

Legendary blogger, Drew Magary, has a blog called "Father Knows Shit". It's pretty much a diary of all the weird and stupid shit that goes on over the course of fatherhood. So I'm sitting around today thinking, "I'm getting married soon, I have no idea what's going on, She-Money keeps dropping all of these monster bills my way, and, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing." Whenever I see fit, I'm going to do a post about some horrible aspect of the wedding planning process. If you guys take one piece of advice from me, let it be this:

There is nothing wrong with getting married. There is everything wrong with having a wedding. Everything about it sucks and it is ripe to be blogged/bitched about.

First things first on the new feature, "Groom Knows Dick": The DJ

So apparently, hiring a DJ is one of my few jobs to accomplish. That's fine. It's something that I wanted to make sure was my responsibility anyway (if the guy even brings Hang On, Sloopy with him, he isn't getting paid). I was in a couple of weddings a few years back and both receptions had the same guy. They recommended him and gave me his phone number.

I call him. I call him. I call him. I call one of the guy's that recommended him and he said, "I'm pretty sure that he has a website. Isn't it a law that all DJ's have to have a website?" This may have been the dumbest thing that I've ever heard. The issue with this guy is that he is supposed to be running a fucking business yet doesn't answer his fucking phone and doesn't even have fucking voicemail or an answering machine! This song and dance (no pun intended) went on for two weeks. I would call. He wouldn't answer. I ended up hearing from a friend who talked to her aunt who knows his mom or something that he was booked that day. Whatever, fuck that guy. He can be the last asshole to suck my cock before I get married.

Now, I'm out on Saturday and run into a couple that are getting married in the same town two weeks before we are. I asked them if they had hired a DJ yet (because we still haven't). Guess who they fucking hired? That's right. I'm not mad that they hired him, I'm mad BECAUSE THEY ONLY HAD TO CALL HIM ONCE TO GET HIM TO FUCKING ANSWER THE PHONE! Get ready, DJ, because when I'm at that reception and have my blood replaced with 7/7's and gravy, I'm going to shove a rotary phone up your pee-hole.

But, we think we've found someone now. She$'s mom found this guy that sounds pretty good. According to her (future in-law), "They offer only clean music. None of the raunchy music with the bad words." I have been to many weddings in my life and I have yet to hear 2 Live Crew or NWA. That quote killed me.

Here is my final problem with the DJ process. For being nothing more than an I-pod that breathes, they sure do cost a lot of money. We're talking anywhere from $100-150/hour. What the fuck? And people think that Rob Blagojevich and Kwame Kilpatrick are crooked! For that much money, he should be taking his clothes off. Not that I want to see that, but he should at least be earning his ridiculous pay. We're pretty much paying $20 to hear Pour Some Sugar On Me and Cracklin' Rosie. Disgusting.

I'll say it again, everything about planning a wedding sucks balls. Everything costs 4 times more than it should and the expenses don't stop. Believe me, I've got plenty more to bitch about. And you will read every word of it, too. August 1st can't come soon enough.


Allan Stokke said...

I don't know if I would take any idea from Drew Magary. The dude wore a Queens of the Stone Age T-Shirt under a sport coat at that Buzz Bissinger dinner.

Still can't believe that shit. Like what was going through his mind?

"Let's see I really, really, like QotSA, really, really like them."

Fucking awful.

/end off topic rant
//shouldn't you put this on your own blog instead of wasting bandwith here?
///Fuck you I do what I want.

arran Stooke said...

Oh and after actually reading your post, I can offer some constructive help.

This guy DJ Greek works with my roommate DJ 2$tep (who also has a dollar sign in his name see). They're pretty good at least DJ wise, not exactly DJ AM but certainly better then Samantha Ronson.

MUDawgfan said...

This is great - I thought FKS was entertaining and this should be good too.

Do you feel like she's micro-managing you yet? Is she picking out tuxes for you/groomsmen that match the flowers that match her dress that match the place settings...etc

GMoney said...

No, she's not a micro-manager at all. But I don't want to give away future posts.

Grumpy said...

The wedding has nothing to do with the groom. You could stand up a potted plant in your place and nobody would care. Get used to it. But keep us informed; misery loves company.

Anonymous said...

I believe Grumpy touched on it and my buddy actually summed it up pretty well when describing his role in his wedding. He said "I am just first guest."

-Lil' Strut

Matt said...

As long as you're spending the cash, spend a bit more and get a live band. Way more energy, way more fun - they're actually entertainers, not ipods with legs.

Mr. Ace said...

G Money, don't you get it.... This is why you get to go balls out for your bachelor party.

I will dj for 50 bucks and an open bar.

GMoney said...

Everyday I go balls out. It's why I can't go near the elementary school anymore.

Anonymous said...

Looking forward to all the knowledge you will lay down!

--the Wig Master

rstiles said...

Hey buddy, I got within 150 days of getting married...and I am sooooo glad it didn't happen

Brian said...

I know. DJ prices are all over the map, too. the cheapest I found was an equipment rental company that charges $75 an hour. At least it isn't bullshit like $900 for the first four hours and $75 after that.

I guess almost everybody gets raped twice in their lives: once at the reception hall and again at the funeral home.