Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Defining Humility


There's nothing to talk about. I don't care about Scott Pioli or Gilbert Arenas or even Eddy Curry asking his limo driver to touch his cock. While hilarious, that story has been ejaculated to death. Instead, I've got something pretty good for my readers today. It's one of those rare times in which I share a personal story that is so pathetic that you actually feel sorry for me. Well, that's not going to be true but at least you will get a cheap laugh at my expense. And isn't that why you come here anyway?

So, I'm hanging out at Mr. Ace's rarely read site yesterday in which he's talking about video games or something stupid. I called him a deragatory name and he followed with the same one. This term is one of those that Wanda Sykes would yell at you for if she heard you call someone else that. Fuck it, we called each other "fags". Since when have I worried about being PC? For some reason, when I read what Mr. Ace wrote, this story came to mind.

Let's go back to the summer of 1991 for a minute. Your very own G$ is tearing it up on the league-best Orioles in the Napoleon Little League...ummm, league. I won't bore you with talk about Little League, eventhough I could talk about it all day (I hate the A's soooo much to this day). We were pretty loaded with some quality 12 year olds and primed for a regular season and tournament title. We accomplished the former but not the latter.

As an 11 year old dynamo catcher, my job was pretty simple: catch the fucking ball and throw out attempting base stealers. But about halfway through the season, for some reason, the Orioles needed another arm. We played two games per week and I think that there was a rule that the most that a pitcher could throw in one week was 6 innings (right, D?). We already had an ace, so we needed to piece together 6 innings of decent pitching somehow. Apparently, I was part of the solution.

I didn't throw hard. My mechanics probably sucked. My pitches were as flat as a Kyle Farnsworth fastball. But I could throw strikes. I was like a pudgy, bespectacled, and gayer version of Jamie Moyer. I always got to start against the shittier of the two teams that we played in each given week. I was fine with that because I was a terrible pitcher who had not yet crafted his dominating pitch (years later, in high school, I developed a sidearm forkball that, had I worked at it, would have me still pitching in the bigs to this day...it was unhittable...actually, it was unseeable). But on one hot June evening at historic Glenwood Park in a game against the normally terrible Yankees, I would be served the largest slice of humble pie ever.

I gave up a hit to Cary.

Now, I know what you're thinking, "So what? Many successful athletes have had asexual names." And that is true. But it didn't happen like that. "Cary" was a girl. And she smoked one up the middle on me. For some reason, our Little League powers that be allowed females to participate. The few that did so actually weren't that bad, but still. I gave up a hit to a chick. It was at that moment that I hung up my pitching arm for good.

Earlier this week, I mentioned that there is nothing more disgusting than stepping in human shit at a bar. Well, there is nothing more humiliating than being on the receiving end of a severe ego-ectomy...by a 10 year old girl. Good God, I hate life. How have I not killed myself yet? And don't worry, this incident still gets brought up at least once a month over beers. I hate you, Damman.

16 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

We all already knew this. No, I had never heard the story before. But I could have told you that if you got the chance to pitch as an 11 year old in little league that a 10 year old girl would get a hit off you. She probably really hit a home run....

Twins for life!

J Beanie said...

What a fag!

GMoney said...

If only I had developed my sidearm forkball back then...

The Twins were terrible. Not even the awesomeness of Jason Drain could help you.

Anonymous said...

But the blue jays were awesome with the likes of mike fouty, ron witte, brian condit, danny carrizales, kyle rausch, chris nelson, hoffman, the hannas, and myself. -GSaul

GMoney said...

You forgot about the singing catcher, Matt Benedict! Or the man with red cleats, Nick Davis! Shame on you.

Tony B. said...

Damn, I only played in the league when I was 9 and I don't even want to claim the Indians- we were fucking terrible (though we did have a guy who pitched with both right and left arms that used to relieve himself.)

Dustin said...

Have the twins ever been good? I'm sure my giants were 8-0 against those suck bags in my career. We would even be up 20 runs after 4 innings and they would have to call the dogs off.

I have a more embarassing story though... I struck out to a girl in the all star game! She wasn't a real girl though. I was so nervous not to strike out that it happened. Before you make fun of me just remember that I was the 2nd overall pick in the 1994 little league draft so suck my nuts

Anonymous said...

I thought I was bad having Rickenberg hit a homerun off me. Thank god it was not Cary.

The Red Sox had the best team Gube, Both Berksteds, the side arm of Fitzeriter, Roon myself, and the sleeping coach of old man Berksted.

Glick

Upstate Underdog said...

The hardest thing about giving up a hit to a girl in little league?

telling everyone you are gay

Mr. Ace said...

My rookie season we made the championship and lost to the Blue Jays. The only reason we lost was because Jay Hannah pulled some strings and paid off the ump.

Anybody remember when Adam Mock broke the aluminum bat? That happened in that game.

Jeff said...

I was on the Twins! We were pretty damn good my first 2 years.

I remember when Mock broke that bat..pretty incredible.

Also, I don't remember girls playing in little league. When did that happen?

GMoney said...

Jeff, they didn't have softball leagues in town for a long ass time. They may have rid the league of those whores by the time you were sucking.

Anonymous said...

Carl Pavano laughs at your lack of a cock.

--Drew

Allan Stokke said...

So you're telling me the story doesn't end with your team gang raping her?

/puts penis away

GMoney said...

Allan, unfortunately, at the ripe ages of 9-12, I was the only warrior with that on my agenda. Everyone else just wanted their free fucking sno-cones.

Anonymous said...

The Twins were the benchmark franchise is Little League. Doug Reiser was the scariest coach in history, that guy could coach and chew tobacco. Brent Beck and Matt Beltz. I rest my case.

-Damman