Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Change Is A-Comin'


I'll admit it, I have been suffering from some Blogger's Block recently. As funny as it sounds, it is a very serious condition. This year alone, Blogger's Block has killed over 1,000 people. Check for yourself, go over to Beanie and Ace's sites. Those things have been dead for months...BAH-ZING!

Anyway, today I'm stealing an idea that was used over at The Big Picture yesterday. Don't worry, this has nothing to do with our new president, you cute little diehard Republicans that make this blog one of your daily stops. But the fact is, yesterday was the official beginning of "Change". Historically, it's a pretty big deal as everyone is saying. President Obama has stated his desire for a college football playoff before, and while it's adorable, it ain't fuckin' happening anytime soon. But what can we change in the sports landscape. More specifically, if I was given the controls to the ship, how would I change sports for the better? I'm glad that you didn't ask that question because I've thought long and hard about it.

Before we get started, I would not abandon the BCS. I would not change the NFL's overtime rule. I would not remove the herpes from Delonte West's mouth. So get over it. My goal is to make subtle changes that improve the game.

Baseball:
-Have you ever watched a game that Daisuke Matsuzaka pitches? Probably not because those games take 5 hours. He takes at least a minute in between each pitch. That is why I propose that if a pitcher takes longer than 20 seconds to start his motion toward the plate, an electric current goes shooting up his spine. And it gradually gets higher in voltage to the repeat offenders.
-Beer sales never stop. If people want to buy beers in the bottom of the 9th, respect the man and watch him chug it.
-If you foul off more than 5 pitches in an at-bat, you're out. Put the fucking ball in play and stop wasting my time.

The NFL:
-You can challenge one penalty per game. Not that a play should have had a penalty called, but on a bullshit pass interference or holding or something.
-The inadvertant whistle will be abolished to the delight of all.
-If a QB throws three interceptions in a game, he must be taken out for the remainder of the game.
-If a coach loses 5 challenges over the course of the year, he does not get any challenges for the rest of the season. Let's call this the Romeo Crennel Rule.
-No more touchdown/xp-commercial-kickoff-commercial!

College Football:
-The BCS is determined solely by computers. Humans are idiots, they shouldn't have a say that contradicts the numbers.
-Scholarships will be reduced by 5. Do you want more parity? Start spreading the wealth around a bit.
-Notre Dame has to join the Big Ten so they can be a normal conference with a championship game. This will prevent the Big Ten from getting two BCS losers each year.
-For that matter, the Big Ten should not be an automatic BCS conference until they earn our trust back.

NBA:
-Each team should have to have one non-Euro white guy on the floor at all times. This will lead to more scoring because white people play no defense but are pretty good shooters.
-And the aforementioned white guys should wear the 80's short shorts.
-The Hack-A-Shaq tactic will be strictly enforced. You can use it ONCE. The next time, the fouling player gets ejected. It's a bush league move and cheapens the sport.
-Kevin McHale is not allowed to make any personnel moves ever.

College Hoops:
-Take note from the NBA and institute that semi-circle under the hoop where charges can't be called. It is such a great rule. It gives the referees one less thing to worry about.
-Get rid of Billy Packer--whoops, that's been done.
-Scrap the ACC/Big Ten challenge in favor of an ass-kicking ACC/Big East challenge.
-Ban zone defense. It is cowardly. These guys are athletes...they can play man-to-man. Quit being lazy, dammit.

Well, that's what I have for the 5 sports that I really care about. As you can see, I would bring some fantastic changes. I should run for President...but then again, I don't need people digging up college stories that involved drinking bottles of El Toro tequila. Just thinking about that shit makes me want to vomit. I will be taking your suggestions for change in the comments and rule on them individually. You will either get a "Good Idea" or a "Quit Being A Fucking 'Tard". Choose your thoughts carefully.

12 comments:

Grumpy said...

Gotta change the NFL overtime to the college system. Much more exciting than watching the winner of the coin toss march down and kick a fg 75% of the time. Obama should start his first full day by naming G$ the new Sports Czar.

KPietsch said...

Selling beer after the 7th inning: I would love to be the guy sitting on the 2nd floor of Vines/Cubby Bear over looking Wrigley after a Cubs vs Whitesox's game if that ever happens.

Dustin said...

Form a big 10 SEC challenge in college football so they both stop playing non conference patsies like Miami Ohio.


You left out nascar...

GMoney said...

Racing: Take the seatbelts out of the cars.

The Big Ten/SEC football challenge would be a collossal ass-whipping every season. You don't want that.

Miami will be back. It won't be this year, but it will happen again.

Anonymous said...

Hockey...

I would get rid of the instigator rule and let fighting be like it used to be.

I would also contract the following teams.....

Carolina, Atlanta, Florida, Phoenix, NY Islanders, Nashville and Anaheim. I would then add expansion teams in Winnipeg, Seattle and Quebec. This would put two more teams in Candada, get teams out of garbage markets, improve the level of play in the league by taking out four teams and allow Columbus and Detroit to move to the Eastern Conference where they belong.

Beer Pong "Championships"...

I just read about these and could not have been more disgusted. That's what I get from reading a column by Rick Reilly. Anyways, they have this "championship" in Las Vegas, but you aren't even allowed to fill all the cups with beer. Half of them have to be filled with water and some people (God fearing losers I assume), play with only water. How the fuck is this a beer pong championship if the winning team didn't just consume 20 odd beers and still kept their dead eye accuracy? Man, does this piss me off.

Baseball...

I would put the DH rule in the National League. I don't like to see pitchers get free passes one out of every nine at bats.

College Football....

I would move two of the BCS bowls to outdoor stadiums in the North. As long as a Big 12 or Big 10 team were in the game, it would sell out. We also could then see how these SEC and Pac-10 schools would deal with playing in something other than ideal conditions...aka...how football was meant to be played.

NFL....

I would contract the Lions just so I don't waste every Sunday for the rest of my life watching them lose.

NBA....

I would force LeBron to do the dunk contest. There is zero doubt in my mind that he can launch himself from at least two feet farther away than the Jordan free throw line dunk. I want to see this.

--Drew

Tony B. said...

How about no field goals allowed in NFL overtime? Force teams to go for the TD.

GMoney said...

YES, Drew! Let's contract teams and move the Jackets and Wings back East where they should be. I've never understood why Columbus and San Jose are in the same conference.

I read Reilly's piece. I had to stop when he said that he had a son named Kel.

Tony, don't like it. Come stronger to the hole next time.

Dustin said...

The big 10 has held its own against the SEC in bowl games (except Ohio state), and all the games have been played in the dirty south. I don't think it would be an ass woopin like you think.

Anyway, that was just one example. Maybe the PAC 10 plays the acc and big 12 plays the big easy and it would rotate. Now that's change we can all believe in, I don't care what you say.

Anonymous said...

What ever happened to the hump day hump? That was always one of my favorite blogs each week. -GSaul

Dustin said...

Gsaul- its funny you bring that up because I was thinkin the same thing today... Must be she$'s cooking

GMoney said...

It be gone forever. And She$ knows how I feel about her cooking,

Anonymous said...

Can't believe this has been brought up...a salary cap in baseball. I know this is sacreligious on this site, but it would do wonders for competitive balance in baseball. It would be just like the NFL, which gets praised for it's parity.

-Damman