Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Last week, I finished "Boys Will Be Boys" by Jeff Pearlman. It's a 350+ page manifesto on the rise and fall of the 1990's Dallas Cowboys. I can't say this enough, but I fucking hated that team. Everything about them was annoying and the fact that they were so good only fueled my burning anger. Before I bought the book, I had heard the rumors that it was pretty graphic when it came to the details of how these guys lived their lives and, not only was I not disappointed, it exceeded my expectations. If the 1989-1998 Dallas Cowboys were a rock band, their Behind The Music episode would be 6 hours long.
Since I'm about 99% positive that my readers haven't read a book that they didn't have to in 10 years, I want to take today to drop some of my favorite nuggets from Boys Will Be Boys. And if you do read to, you know, learn things, I could not recommend this book anymore. These guys treated life like they were Motley fucking Crue.
*When Jerry Jones bought the Cowboys in the 80's and his first desire was to fire Tom Landry, he flew to Landry's ranch where he was pretty much told to get the fuck off of Landry's property.
*Jerry Jones used to make his private plane shake in flight because he was banging his mistress so hard in the back. He also would ask his employee's wives if they were wearing panties and that if she would give him 5 minutes, he would take her to heaven...right in front of their husbands who were, as I said, employed by Jones.
*Jimmy Johnson was a real hardass. He would cut guys for falling asleep in film, fumbling, and committing penalties. He also despised Jerry Jones.
*There was not one person in the Cowboys organization that was happy with Barry Switzer being named head coach. He used to show up to practices two hours late and reeking of alcohol.
*When Switzer was in college, his drunk mother asked him for forgiveness for being such a bad parent. He refused. A minute later, she SHOT HERSELF IN THE HEAD. How anyone can live through that is beyond me.
*At one time, Jimmy Johnson wanted to trade Troy Aikman and have Steve Walsh be his franchise QB. I wish he would have done this.
*Emmitt Smith is an egomaniac. He was one of those guys that wanted to win, but wanted to look good even more.
*Michael Irvin was the star of the book BY FAR. He never met a stripper that he wouldn't bang. And he was such a great teammate, that he would make players go to strip clubs with him and get them laid as well. Guys that had morals and did not take part in Irvin's shenanigans were ostracized in the locker room.
*In a game against the Redskins, Irvin announced before the game that he would be going after Darrell Green's broken arm. My blood boiled when I read that.
*Irvin set up "The White House". It was a house near their facilities that they used to do drugs and bang whores. The book states that many maids quit because that place was too disgusting. Rumor has it that Alvin Harper was the freakiest guy on the team. Thankfully, that rumor was not embellished.
*Nate Newton had weight clauses in his contract but never tried to meet them because he would rather be fat and happy than have the money. He was known to bring in a 60 piece bucket of chicken and eat well over half of it.
*Deion Sanders alienated the locker room more than anyone. He helped convince Barry Switzer that Troy Aikman was a racist. Which is funny.
*In 1994, Skip Bayless wrote a book and said that Troy Aikman was gay. He had no evidence at all, it was not true, and he never apologized for it. In case you were wondering, Skip Bayless is a sack of shit and has been for a long time.
*Charles Haley is the most bizarre person in the history of the world. After the Cowboys won their third Super Bowl they made the requisite trip to the White House (the real one). When President Clinton was shaking hands with the players, Clinton came to a rookie standing next to Haley. Haley leaned into Clinton and said something along the lines of, "don't shake his hand, he's a bisexual". Hilarious!
*And finally, Haley, who apparently has the biggest dong ever, used to jerk off in front of the team in the locker room while talking about their wives! He got yelled at by Butch Davis for whacking it during a defensive film session! You can't make this stuff up.
Of course, this chicanery eventually came to an end. Pearlman writes that the dynasty died when Michael Irvin, pissed off because offensive lineman, Everett McIver, wouldn't let The Playmaker go ahead of him in line to get his hair cut, got into a brawl. McIver got in a few big shots and had Irvin staggering. Irvin's next move was what any sane person would do...to pick up the barber's scissors and stab McIver in the neck.
You can't make this stuff up. I honestly believe that had this roster been on the Houston Oilers, I would have loved them. But that star on the helmet only made me despise them and their showboating ways even more. Love them or hate them, they were definitely an intriguing bunch. As I said earlier, if you are into this kind of stuff, I could not recommend this book anymore. Let's just hope that these guys are the last Cowboys Super Bowl champions ever. Considering who still runs the team and makes the personnel decisions, I don't think that we have anything to worry about.