Thursday, January 08, 2009

Be A Dick, Not A Douche

Take a deep breath. Whew. OK, we've all had a few days to digest the Fiesta Bowl outcome. We had a lot of fun at the expense of Ohio State fans. They fired back with comebacks that had nothing to do with their epic choke. It's what they do. But I need to intervene here. Because there are likely a lot of hurt feelings and open scarlet and gray wounds still out there. Trust me, every single person (me included) that had a laugh at their expense, they are preparing to come back at you with the power of 10,000 cock rings. It's coming but we all knew that anyway.

This past weekend, I was fortunate enough to inducted in the inaugural class of the Dick Hall of Fame. The festivities were held in Johnson City, Tennessee, by the way (dick joke!). My colleagues that went in with me were none other than Barry Bonds, Vice President Dick Cheney, and, of course, Fred O'Bannion from Dazed and Confused. Now, we had to give a speech to the audience. Mine was regarding this topic: Be A Dick, Not A Douche. It most definitely is a fine line to walk because no one wants to talk to a douche, but everyone laughs along with a dick. Here are a few suggestions to help you be the lovable asshole.

For God's Sake, Wait Until The End - I'm one of those superstitious people that never does anything to potentially jinx my team. Take Monday night for example. Damman texts me at halftime (OSU up 6-3) with something along the lines of "lookin good, my beanie post is going to be sweet". While subtle on the surface, the part about him and his guest post at another blog implied that OSU had the game won after the first 30 minutes. You don't want to do that. Because when the shit hits the fan, I'm not going to forget that text message. That loss is on him. Just shut the fuck up until the final whistle is blown.

Your Voice Is Not Wanted - This happened to me when the Indians beat the Yankees out of the playoffs two years ago. I saw the writing on the wall and all I asked was that Indians fans let me stew in peace. But that didn't happen. Immediately, I had 304 phone calls coming in at the same time. Now granted, I didn't answer and deleted the voicemails before listening to the weak smack, but still. Put the shoe on the other foot. Would they have wanted me to call them had the roles been reversed? Of course not. Because that is a douche thing to do. And these guys are Cleveland fans! Why would you piss off sports karma with this chicanery?

Just Put The Phone Down Altogether - I can handle words to a degree, just not a voice saying them. A month ago, I was walking out of Paul Brown Stadium having watched the Redskins just have their playoff hopes crushed by the Bengals. My phone vibrates, I look, and it's a smart-ass text from Beanie. I don't remember it because I was too busy turning into the Incredible Hulk. Look, if you have no rooting interest in the game, don't start running your mouth. It's a total douche move. I was rooting against the Cubs in the playoffs, but when they got beat, I didn't throw it in the face of my roommate. It's weak.

Let Them Sleep On It - Here is my biggest piece of advice to all of you: When one of your friends' teams just died, give them some time. This doesn't sound like something that a person like me would say, but do it. My rule of thumb is give it a night. They get to sleep off some of the rage and are a little bit easier to deal with in the morning once the depression sets in. Now that everyone is awake and a new day is upon us, SCORCH THE FUCKING EARTH. Go at them high and hard. You allowed them a courtesy 8 hours, now it's your time to lay into them about how much they suck. They may even let you go a step or two too far due to you not bothering them the night before. You don't pour salt in a man's open wound like a douche. No, you let that wound scab up, rip it off, and dump the salt inside. Even if you don't believe it, tell them that everyone on their team and all of their fans, including him, suck. Question his sexuality. Call his license plate into 1-800-GRAB-DUI. Just like a dick would do!

The Statue - This is my favorite move and I truly am an expert. Whether it be in a bar or someone's house, I usually watch every OSU game in a room full of Buckeye fans. EVERYONE knows who I am supporting. It's no secret. Often times, I'm wearing a shirt of their opponent. But when that game starts, I am in a complete state of total consciousness. I don't move. I'm serious. I don't say a word. Whatever happens, I remain completely calm. I have been told that people hate watching games with me BECAUSE I don't say ANYTHING. Me not reacting at all is apparently more annoying to some than me celebrating another USC touchdown. The problem is, they can't really say anything because I'm not doing anything wrong. When you can pull this off, you've achieved complete and total Dick-vana. In my head, complete euphoria when Penn State picks off Pryor. My face, stone. A douche celebrates a bad break for OSU. A dick does nothing eventhough everyone in the room knows what is going on in that beautiful head of yours.

There you go. A few tips to make you a dick, but also a more tolerable fan. You don't want to get into fights with, or even lose, friends over a sporting event in which neither of you had nothing to do with the outcome. That is what a douche would do. But you also want to make sure that they know that there team sucks after an acceptable amount of grieving time. As far as tonight's game goes, I like the Gators because the Heisman Trophy winner never wins their bowl game. I'll be back tomorrow looking to improve to 8-0 on my NFL playoff picks. Later, dicks!


Grumpy said...

I'm ecstatic to find out I've always been a dick. Thanks G$.

Lester-Worm-Murphy said...

The greatest blog EVER POSTED, on any blog, in the history of blogging!!!

I will take this newfound knowledge, to heart, and hopefully, be able to use this next season when the Trojans come to the Shoe.....or Pavano blows his arm out...or Winslow II does some other stupid crap...

All hail to the Inagural ensrinee to the Dick Hall of Fame G$

Anonymous said...

I think sometimes you should allow longer than 8 hours to talk smack. I know when I got up on Tuesday and saw the headine on this site I wanted to drive to your work and slash your tires. Some losses are more painful to take than others and in those cases more time should be allotted.

I knew as soon as I sent that text to you, it was probably not a smart move. But, I was shitfaced so it sounded like a good idea at the time.


GMoney said...

Suggestion ignored, D. One night is all that you are allowed if your team lost.

Thank you, Grumpy and Lester. If I ever get around to writing a book, this blog post will probably be the theme. How to embrace your inner-dickhead sports fan.

Mr. Ace said...

Whoa whoa whoa. What about when the redskins beat the Eagles in week 16? If I remember correctly, I got a message via facebook within an hour of that loss. That loss should have knocked us out of the playoffs. Now you're just a douche.

Fly Eagles Fly

GMoney said...

Now wait a minute, Ace. The whole time that I was writing this, I knew that you would bring that up. Facebook is kinda sorta gay and easily ignorable. The phone isn't. If your email states that "G$ posted on your wall" a few minutes after the Redskins dominated the Eagles, you should be ignoring that at all costs. It was kind of a douchey thing to do, but you also needed to be made aware that you will have to wear my Portis jersey.

Just be thankful that I didn't call you in for a DUI.

Dustin said...

Mr ace already called himself in for a dui!

Mr. Ace said...

I was being profiled!!! Everybody was swerving on I-75 that night!

GMoney said...

Ace, you probably shouldn't drive and fellate Li'l Strut at the same time. It's a recipe for disaster.

Mr. Ace said...

Agree. But he spiked my drink with GHB so I really had no choice.

Did you know that Dut's ex-girlfriend made him take a shit in front of her and then show her the dirty TP after he wiped his ass.

Just thought I would throw it out there.

GMoney said...

Please God, let that be true. And if it is, I'm going to need to friend her on Facebook immediately.

Jeff said...

Dut, is this the girlfriend that you had to contemplate cheating on? After a stunt like that cheating on her would be a no brainer. How many times did she let you shit on her chest??

GMoney said...

I'm a HUGE fan of where this topic is going.

(crossing my fingers that this broad shit on Dut)

Anonymous said...

I tried telling Ace that night that he had the whole "roadhead" thing backwards, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He was so convinced that the driver is the giver.

-Lil' Strut

P.S. Ace, why don't you blog sometime about the story of you running from police officers naked in a hotel.

Dustin said...

That story somehow got twisted around. She didn't make me do anything. She was sitting in the bathroom talking to me while I dropped a duece. I may or may not have received a blumpkin. Everything else is fiction.

Jeff, yes that is the same girl.

G$, you don't want to add her on facebook. Your keyboard might give you aids after that.