Thursday, January 08, 2009
Take a deep breath. Whew. OK, we've all had a few days to digest the Fiesta Bowl outcome. We had a lot of fun at the expense of Ohio State fans. They fired back with comebacks that had nothing to do with their epic choke. It's what they do. But I need to intervene here. Because there are likely a lot of hurt feelings and open scarlet and gray wounds still out there. Trust me, every single person (me included) that had a laugh at their expense, they are preparing to come back at you with the power of 10,000 cock rings. It's coming but we all knew that anyway.
This past weekend, I was fortunate enough to inducted in the inaugural class of the Dick Hall of Fame. The festivities were held in Johnson City, Tennessee, by the way (dick joke!). My colleagues that went in with me were none other than Barry Bonds, Vice President Dick Cheney, and, of course, Fred O'Bannion from Dazed and Confused. Now, we had to give a speech to the audience. Mine was regarding this topic: Be A Dick, Not A Douche. It most definitely is a fine line to walk because no one wants to talk to a douche, but everyone laughs along with a dick. Here are a few suggestions to help you be the lovable asshole.
For God's Sake, Wait Until The End - I'm one of those superstitious people that never does anything to potentially jinx my team. Take Monday night for example. Damman texts me at halftime (OSU up 6-3) with something along the lines of "lookin good, my beanie post is going to be sweet". While subtle on the surface, the part about him and his guest post at another blog implied that OSU had the game won after the first 30 minutes. You don't want to do that. Because when the shit hits the fan, I'm not going to forget that text message. That loss is on him. Just shut the fuck up until the final whistle is blown.
Your Voice Is Not Wanted - This happened to me when the Indians beat the Yankees out of the playoffs two years ago. I saw the writing on the wall and all I asked was that Indians fans let me stew in peace. But that didn't happen. Immediately, I had 304 phone calls coming in at the same time. Now granted, I didn't answer and deleted the voicemails before listening to the weak smack, but still. Put the shoe on the other foot. Would they have wanted me to call them had the roles been reversed? Of course not. Because that is a douche thing to do. And these guys are Cleveland fans! Why would you piss off sports karma with this chicanery?
Just Put The Phone Down Altogether - I can handle words to a degree, just not a voice saying them. A month ago, I was walking out of Paul Brown Stadium having watched the Redskins just have their playoff hopes crushed by the Bengals. My phone vibrates, I look, and it's a smart-ass text from Beanie. I don't remember it because I was too busy turning into the Incredible Hulk. Look, if you have no rooting interest in the game, don't start running your mouth. It's a total douche move. I was rooting against the Cubs in the playoffs, but when they got beat, I didn't throw it in the face of my roommate. It's weak.
Let Them Sleep On It - Here is my biggest piece of advice to all of you: When one of your friends' teams just died, give them some time. This doesn't sound like something that a person like me would say, but do it. My rule of thumb is give it a night. They get to sleep off some of the rage and are a little bit easier to deal with in the morning once the depression sets in. Now that everyone is awake and a new day is upon us, SCORCH THE FUCKING EARTH. Go at them high and hard. You allowed them a courtesy 8 hours, now it's your time to lay into them about how much they suck. They may even let you go a step or two too far due to you not bothering them the night before. You don't pour salt in a man's open wound like a douche. No, you let that wound scab up, rip it off, and dump the salt inside. Even if you don't believe it, tell them that everyone on their team and all of their fans, including him, suck. Question his sexuality. Call his license plate into 1-800-GRAB-DUI. Just like a dick would do!
The Statue - This is my favorite move and I truly am an expert. Whether it be in a bar or someone's house, I usually watch every OSU game in a room full of Buckeye fans. EVERYONE knows who I am supporting. It's no secret. Often times, I'm wearing a shirt of their opponent. But when that game starts, I am in a complete state of total consciousness. I don't move. I'm serious. I don't say a word. Whatever happens, I remain completely calm. I have been told that people hate watching games with me BECAUSE I don't say ANYTHING. Me not reacting at all is apparently more annoying to some than me celebrating another USC touchdown. The problem is, they can't really say anything because I'm not doing anything wrong. When you can pull this off, you've achieved complete and total Dick-vana. In my head, complete euphoria when Penn State picks off Pryor. My face, stone. A douche celebrates a bad break for OSU. A dick does nothing eventhough everyone in the room knows what is going on in that beautiful head of yours.
There you go. A few tips to make you a dick, but also a more tolerable fan. You don't want to get into fights with, or even lose, friends over a sporting event in which neither of you had nothing to do with the outcome. That is what a douche would do. But you also want to make sure that they know that there team sucks after an acceptable amount of grieving time. As far as tonight's game goes, I like the Gators because the Heisman Trophy winner never wins their bowl game. I'll be back tomorrow looking to improve to 8-0 on my NFL playoff picks. Later, dicks!