Friday, January 23, 2009

The 2009 Tyler Hansbrough All-Stars

Yesterday, I unleashed The Chris Lofton All-Stars AKA my favorite players in college hoops. Today, turn about is fair play. I think we can all agree that Tyler Hansbrough is a sack of shit. He's allowed to travel every time he touches the ball and murders people in the paint without drawing barely any whistles. He just set the North Carolina record for career points eventhough he isn't even one of the ten best players to ever play in Chapel Hill. He's grossly overrated and will get his ass handed to him at the next level by losers like Aaron Gray and Spencer Hawes. Alright, G$, calm down. You know that you could go on for days about how much you hate Hansbrough. It's time to start acknowledging some other guys that are working their way up to Hansbrough's level.

So with that, The 2009 Tyler Hansbrough All-Stars!!!

The Starters:
Luke Harangody, Notre Dame - He was actually on the Lofton team last year but for the reasons that he was a favorite last year, I hate him this year. First of all, he looks like he smells. Secondly, he's a black hole. I bet he has 3 assists all season. And third, who gets Mono?

Jon Scheyer, Duke - He's a whiny bitch. If you don't like this pick, just substitute him with any other Blue Devil. I like my Jews good with numbers, not on the playing field!

Andy Rautins, Syracuse - Have you seen this guy? He features that faggy rooster-esque moussed up weave that is an abomination to all of mankind. He looks like the kind of guy that you know you would sucker punch after a bottle of El Toro.

Joe Krabbenhoft, Wisconsin - He's a grinder and all, but that doesn't mean that he's tolerable. When I played middle school hoops, I used to shoot a few free throws during pregame warm-ups. We had this guy that would, and I'm serious, block my practice free throw. It was one of the finest displays of douchebaggery ever seen. I bet that Krabbenhoft tries to block shots before games.

Lavance Fields, Pitt - This has to be his 12th year playing for the Panthers. I don't like fat point guards even though I was one myself. I hated Khalid El Amin so by rule, I have to hate Fields.

The Bench:
Nate Linhart, Akron - Take a look at this guy sometime. Calling him an abortion would be a compliment.

BJ Raymond, Xavier - He doesn't really do anything well other than premature balding. Shouldn't black guys just shave their head once they start looking like George Costanza?

Lee Cummard, BYU - This guy can shoot the lights out of the gym but he's the nerdiest baller of all time. I saw the Cougars play, I think, Arizona State earlier this year and I swear that Cummard drove to the game in a tractor.

Edgar Sosa, Louisville - You need a good point guard in March to be successful. Sosa is why I can't take the Cards seriously even with their massive amounts of NBA talent.

Tajuan Porter, Oregon - If I had to bet my life on a point guard to sprint up the court, shoot an off-balanced three with 30 seconds left on the shot clock, and finish the game 2-16 from downtown, I would take Porter any day. Needless to say, the Ducks are in last in the Pac-10.

Taylor Griffin, Oklahoma - Come on, bud. Your brother is a stud and the likely #1 pick in the Draft next year, how about stepping up your own game?

Austin Daye, Gonzaga - Daye is considered a top ten pick but his attitude worries me. Every time that I see the Zags, it feels like he's just mailing it in. Even if you suck, I can respect effort.

There you go. I think this is a pretty solid team to loathe. But then again, I'm just a hate monger that doesn't like anything. Have a good "no football" weekend. As for me, I'm picking out my tuxedo tomorrow. Jesus, this thing is actually happening...


Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Allan Stokke said...

Mike KKKryzsysyszssweski

I'm pretty sure being a douchebag white player (aka scrappy to Dook fans) is a character trait Coach K recruits for.

Anonymous said...

You forgot Tim Tebow.


GMoney said...

I will never forget about Tim Tebow. I'm trying to get him to come to my wedding and cut up some baby dicks. AND YOU WILL ALL BE INVITED!!!

Grumpy said...

That first comment isn't acceptable and you should delete it.

GMoney said...

You're right...done.