In The Year 2009

Today, we are going to get out the official crystal ball of The Money Shot and predict the upcoming year. Yes, we are stealing this bit from Conan O'Brien but he has been gracious enough to stop on by and help us out. We collaborated on this effort last year about this time and are bringing it back by popular demand. We've also enlisted the services of the playoff-bound, and apparently exhausted, Philadelphia Eagles coach, Andy Reid! Wake up, Andy, you've got some high notes to hit! Let's get this going...

G$: "... It's time, once again, to look into the future."
Conan O'Brien: "The future, G$?"
G$: "That's right, Conan. Let's look to the future, all the way to the year 2009!"

Andy: In the year 2009...In the year 2009...

G$: In the year 2009, Raiders owner and imcompetent malcontent, Al Davis, will finally die. While the city of Oakland will rejoice and DVD sales of Tales From The Crypt will sky-rocket, the impact will be catastrophic to three major cottage industries: the leather windsuit, embalming fluid, and old man salve markets.
Andy: In the year 2009...In the year 2009...

Conan: After shocking the world by winning the AL East and making the World Series last year, Rays manager, Joe Maddon, will top that this year by admitting that he is, in fact, an old lesbian. This will lead to a series of commercials in which he beats the Geico Caveman in tennis and still no one will laugh.
Andy: In the year 2009...In the year 2009...

G$: Notre Dame coach, Charlie Weis, on the hottest of hot seats in South Bend, will become so engrossed and dedicated to winning, that he will completely forget about eating and show up at the Spring Game weighing a slimmed-down 195 pounds. The excess 400 pounds of fat that he lost will be encased in the coaches booth as a reminder of what he used to be. But upon closer inspection, that fat pile will actually be his old friend, Romeo Crennel.
Andy: In the year 2009...In the year 2009...

Conan: Michael Phelps, still cashing in on his Olympic glory and horrendous appearances on Saturday Night Live and Entourage in 2008, will hit it big with his very own buddy comedy on The CW. It will also star Erik Estrada and be titled, yes that's right, Fish and Chips.
Andy: In the year 2009...In the year 2009...

G$: To create more drama for the NBA playoffs, Paul Pierce will get sweat in his eyes during warm-ups and will have to be life-flighted to a nearby hospital. Seeing this act before, Rasheed Wallace will bring Javier Bardem's sweet gun from No Country For Old Men to the tip-off and put Pierce all out of his self-induced misery. The drama queen sideshow is laid to rest once and for all. Rasheed will be immediately inducted into the Awesome Hall of Fame.
Andy: In the year 2009...In the year 2009...

Conan: We finally get what we all want by having Michael J. Fox's Teen Wolf fight Jason Bateman's Teen Wolf Too at a UFC pay-per-view. Bateman gets the early lead in the battle, but Fox's constant Parkinson's shaking throws off Bateman's equilibrium and the original Teen Wolf defies the odds and gets the victory after TW Too suffers an epileptic seizure.
Andy: In the year 2009...In the year 2009...

G$: Bristol Palin's newborn son, taking after his mother and grandmother, immediately starts bareback humping all of the other babies in the hospital nursery. He manages to get each female baby pregnant and begins his army to kill all bears in the world just like grandma would want. Mike Ditka, Alonzo Spellman, and Steve "Mongo" McMichael, upon hearing the news, travel together up to Alaska and begin eating every baby born in the past 6 months.
Andy: In the year 2009...In the year 2009...

Conan: After a government investigation into ESPN's hiring practices to try and determine why Pam Ward is employed by the company, it will be revealed that she is the spawn of Lee Corso and pool shark, Karen Corr. You can begin cringing now.
Andy: In the year 2009...In the year 2009...

G$: I will finally get around to doing what I've always wanted to do: writing the great American novel. It's a heroic tale of an unpaid blogger eating bacon, banging porn stars, and fighting crime. He may or may not travel back in time for some reason. His best friend is a talking pie. I think he wears a cape. The preliminary title is "Blogman and The Case of the Bacon-Wrapped Titties". I smell Pulitzer.
Andy: In the year 2008...In the year 2008...

Conan: In the year 2009, G$ will actually go see Paul Blart: Mall Cop. That's the joke. He actually finds Kevin James funny. Fat guys have got to stick together but it wouldn't be that hard if they would just wash the chicken grease off of their hands.
Andy: In the year 2009...In the year 2009...

Alright, that was fun, wasn't it? No? Well, you don't run this site, I do and I think that it was great. If you've never seen the sketch, then I apologize for the reptitive nature of Andy Reid. I would like to thank Conan and Andy for helping me out again with my prediction blog. Thanks, guys. I really should be a comedy writer. My words today are already funnier than anything Craig Ferguson has said in 15 years. We'll be back Friday with a half-assed post about the NFL playoffs.

Be safe out there tonight, all you deviants. I'm going to need you out of jail/hospital to keep the hits coming.

Tony Romo Is Fully Baked

OK, I'm starting to feel some sympathy toward Tony Romo. He can't win a big game in December. His teammates continually talk bad about him. He's kind of being accused of favoring his white best friend and not throwing to the other less-white options in his offense. And he's getting his golf clubs out early this year. Sure, Romo is banging a former pop culture icon and all, but when you are the starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, you've got win Super Bowls. The debacle on the field in Philadelphia should have been the end of it. You would think that that would have been enough of a buzzkill. But it wasn't. The problems didn't stop for Tony even after the final whistle was blown on the Cowboys' season.

Tony Romo, following the embarrassing loss to the Eagles, collapsed in the shower due to a rib injury. But something is fishy about this story. Was he shanked by Roy Williams? Did he fake it for some sympathy? Was he just doing an impression of himself on the field by curling up in the fetal position?

No, no. I know what it is. The Dallas Cowboys locker room is so divided that it turned into a real-life version of the prison scenes from Half Baked. Follow me here. So after the game, Tony and Jason Witten are enjoying a nice warm shower together when a still pissed off T.O. approaches them foaming at the mouth:

Jason "Squirrel Master" Witten: Back up Nasty Nate, this my bitch!
Terrell "Nasty Nate" Owens: Better watch your back Fish! Squirrel Master ain't gonna be there for you all the time. Next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some cocktail... FRUIT!
Tony: Here take it! [walks away with Squirrel Master] I'm somebody's bitch!

Still distraught over the confrontation in the shower, Romo spills his guts to his agent, Jessica Simpson and Joe Simpson before boarding the team bus to the airport:

Tony: You guys gotta get me out of here! There's this guy Nasty Nate who wants my cocktail fruit, and everyone here likes fresh fish! Then The Squirrel Master came out of left field and told me I'm his bitch!

But it's not that easy, Tony. Oh no, you are doomed to rot away in Big D for at least the next few years!!! No. NO. NO! Devil man! Devil 6-6-6, the mark of the beast! No! Naughty! Naughty jungle of love! You just know that Romo is counting down the days before he can leave the Cowboys for good.

To complete this well crafted Half Baked/Dallas Cowboys analogy:
Jerry Jones = Samson Simpson (Candy makes you dandy.)
Sir Smoke-A-Lot = Pacman Jones (He had sex with my mama!)
The Guy On The Couch = Wade Phillips (Hey, is it January?)

The Worst of Week Seventeen Vol.II

It's time to put the 2008 NFL regular season to bed. Damn, these just keep going faster and faster each year. It seems like just yesterday that I was screaming at the TV when Jake Delhomme connected with Dante Rosario (who?) on the last play of the game to beat the Chargers in week one. As far as the Redskins go, obviously I'm not pleased with an 8-8 season in which they ended up finishing last in the NFC East. The offense was consistently bad, the defense had no pass rush at all, and the special teams were rotten. But the most frustrating part of the season was the lack of an identity. That, and of course, the fact that I truly believe that the Skins are better than 3-4 teams in the playoffs (Vikings, Eagles, Cardinals, and Dolphins). But those are the breaks, I guess, and I can't wait to get after that last place schedule in 2009. Hey, enough with the hopeless optomism, let's get going with the shitbags of week 17 because there were A LOT of them:

10. The JFL - I finished in second place in yet another fantasy league. But this one was expected and let me show you why:
My team this week - Pennington, Choice, DeAngelo, Steve Smith, the other Steve Smith, Ginn, Cadillac, kicker and defense. Boldin and Housh not playing was a kick to the dick and I had to sit Big Ben. But I do realize that this team is not very good.
My opponent who may have had the best team ever - Warner, Turner, Jones-Drew, T.O., Bryant, Andre Johnson, Slaton, kicker and defense.
In a league where 100 points is the benchmark for a win, I scored 102. He scored 146. This shit happens, unfortunately it happened to my two weeks in a row in two different fantasy Super Bowls. But here is why the JFL sucks: THIS IS A 16 TEAM LEAGUE! SIXTEEEN! Why would you ever run a league with that many people? This isn't just sour grapes for finishing second this year and third last year, but it sucks. Joe, I know that you read this site, your league needs to be fixed. 3/4 of the owners don't run ANY smack during the season. You still haven't told anyone in the league what the payouts are going to be. And no one gets paid their winnings until the next season's draft. There is already a mutiny in the works and I'm thinking that this will be my last year in the JFL as well. Enough about that. We can always discuss this privately but since you don't return emails, I'm calling you out.

9. Jay Cutler - You could just see it in his eyes. Once the Broncos got down, he gave up. After his first pick, you knew that he was done. The guy is the second coming of Drew Brees as he will put up a ton of fantasy points, but he's not going to win any meaningful games. And he looks like a retard...that doesn't help.

8. Bruce Gradkowski - 20 passing yards? A 2.8 QB rating? And as far as the Browns go, no offensive touchdowns in the final 6 weeks of the season...well played. This is the worst team in football. A team went winless this year and I am fairly certain that if they played next weekend, the Browns would lose by double digits. Don't worry, at least you didn't give big money to Derek Anderson, Jamal Lewis, and Donte Stallworth.

7. The Steelers O-Line - It was going to happen eventually. I didn't think it would take this long (or especially against that shitty team), but Pittsburgh's horrendous pass blocking schemes finally got Big Ben killed. As he was being worked on, I couldn't help but laugh, not at the injury, but at how funny football players look when they have a helmet on with no face mask. I give two thumbs up to Big Ben though for dusting off one of my favorite salutes: The Thumbs Up Mike Utley!!! I hope he's OK because he should be able to get his 2nd ring this year.

6. Jon Gruden - The Buccaneers started the year 9-3. They are sitting at home now trying to figure out where it all went wrong. I know exactlywhy. That defense is older than fuck and can't compete at a high level for 16 weeks anymore. 31 points given up to the Raiders? Come on. Did you notice how much better the Raiders were considering that Al Davis did not go to the game? They would be undefeated if he would just go to Hell already.

5. Butch Jones (The HERM! Edwards Memorial Spot) - This slot is saved for the worst coach of the week and I've got a doozy for you this week. Did anyone watch the Motor City Bowl on Friday night? Anyone? Well, I did and Central Michigan's coach completely tanked that game for the Chips with some truly ridiculous moves. Down 24-13 mid-way through the 4th and presented with a 4th and 2 or so from the 10, he went for it. It failed. Instead of making it a one possession game, he got greedy. The Chips get the ball back a few plays later and score. They get the 2 pointer to make it 24-21 with a little over 3 minutes left and 2 timeouts. HE KICKS IT ONSIDE and the Chips don't get it. CMU did not get the ball back. Why would you do that! That makes no sense at all. But, when you consider that his mentor is Rich Rodriguez, maybe it makes all the sense in the world. Jones should have a lot of explaining do for the way he handled that abortion.

4. Brian Urlacher and Bad Company - The Texans have one, ONE, weapon in the passing game. You might want to double cover Andre Johnson. The Bears are turning into the Bucs with how old that defense is getting. And if you had "Week 16" in your office "When will Mike Brown be placed on IR" pool, you win!!! And when was the last time that the Bears had even a decent WR?

3. Brett Favre - Three more crucial picks for the guy that just loves to play football. He's like a kid out there. And he is, if your kid sucks at QB and should have stopped playing 3 years ago. I love it. The Jets are sitting at home and it is largely due to his overrated wing. The best part about it (yes, it does get better!) is that you can stick a fork in Brett...he's fucking done. It's over. No more flimsy retirements. No more comebacks. He's going back to Mississippi after doing some awesome damage to his reputation. Fuck you, Brett, way to be worse than Chad Pennington.

2. The Detroit Lions!!! - Hells fucking yeah! We may never see an undefeated team in our lifetimes, but we've got something now. At 0-16, the Lions go into the record books as the worst team ever. They aren't really, but the numbers suggest so. Way to go, Lions. A few of us were worried that you may not be able to fulfill your destiny, but you overcame all of the odds to do it. Rob Parkerdouche was blasted last week for asking Rod Marinelli if he regretted that his daughter didn't marry a better defensive coordinator. Parkerdouche should ask Rod this week if Mrs. Marinelli regrets marrying such a bad head coach. BRING BACK MILLEN!!!

1. Tony Fucking Romo and The Dallas Cowboys - I can live with the Redskins missing out on the playoffs...as long as the Cowboys join them on the sideline. How fucking sweet was that? That awful Eagles offense scored 3 points the week prior and hung 44 yesterday? Huh? Shouldn't Dallas have come out with a bit more fire here? No, they shouldn't have because when you are poorly coached, you have a little bit of a problem when it comes to consistency. Say it with me here, "Tony Romo is a loser." Period. The guy is not a winner. Sure, he's charismatic and some people find his "aww-shucks" demeanor funny, but the guy is a goddamn loser. A fucking loser. He will never win. How tasty do you think Jerry Jones' tears are? I bet they taste like ribs and cure AIDS.

So, it's playoff time. The upcoming weekend's slate of games (with the exception of IND/SD) are going to be boring as fuck but here we are anyway. Let me give you a pointer here, EVERYONE is going to hop on the Ravens, Falcons, Eagles, and Colts bandwagons this week...don't buy into it. Homefield is huge. I'll probably do a post on this Friday, but you are getting your warning here, do not sleep on the home teams (my guess is that other than SD, the other 3 will be underdogs). I'll see you tomorrow with some more words that cause premature ejaculation.

I'm Gonna Tell My Dad!

There's no denying that A Christmas Story is one of, if not the, best part of the holiday season for me. I love it. An amazingly well-crafted movie that still holds up today. Even with the casual racism, you still have got to love this masterpiece. So today, as I'm stuck at work for another 9 hours eventhough I'm already bored out of my gourd an hour in, I figured that I could at least acknowledge some of my favorite characters in A Christmas Story that aren't in the Parker family. While Randy is the best character ever, here are some of my other favorites:

Grover Dill - Scott Farkus's toadie! I don't like Farkus that much because he has braces. Even with a sick coon-skin cap, the braces are a deal-breaker for me. I'm fairly certain that Dill is 3 feet tall and is destined to become a cab driver.

The Tree Salesman - I don't know why, but this guy kills me. He's trying to sell trees to the dad, but when they say no to one, he chucks it out of the way. When he and Darren McGavin are bargaining over price...brilliant. And he kind of looks like Curtis Armstrong AKA Booger from Revenge of the Nerds.

Schwartz - Flick is pretty gay but Schwartz is the best. He's a smartass with a really weird hat...gotta love it. Shame on Ralphie for narc-ing on Schwartz!

The Dumb Kid Ahead of Ralphie and Randy In The Santa Line - I don't know what's going on with this imbecile. He is wearing goggles and what appears to be a leather football helmet. The way that Ralphie treats this idiot is exactly the way that I would...like shit.

The Chinese Singers - Ah, yes, the one scene in the movie that would not be allowed today. These guys take stereotypes to a new level with their extreme inability to use "L's" in their speech. Priceless. 'Tis the season to be jo-rry.

Well, there you go. That took 10 minutes. Only 500 more today.

Talkin' Teix

OK, we need to talk about this. I realize that all of you are foaming at the mouth, ready to spew your bile and hatred toward me and my Yankees in the comments, but calm down a minute. Take a deep breath. Before we get going, let's set a few things straight. There is no salary cap in MLB and there NEVER will be. Get over it. Much like there won't be a college playoff system anytime soon, you have to get used to this fact. No rules were broken, no shady dealings at all. It is a simple case of a team going out and paying for a man (or in this case three men) that they coveted in their never-ending pursuit of title #27. On with the show:

Mark Teixeira (I'm going to go crazy trying to spell this guy's name right every time) and the Yankees have agreed on an 8 year/180 million dollar contract.

First things first, the guy is 28, a gold-glover, a 30 HR/100+ RBI machine, and considered to be a great clubhouse guy. The Red Sox knew it. So did the Nationals, Orioles, and Angels. Scott Boras was stating after last season that he was shooting for an A-Rod-esque deal (10 for 250). The Yankees were considered to really be a non-factor in the pursuit of Teix. Hell, Jon Heyman said yesterday morning that he would be on the Red Sox by the end of the day. So I'm thinking that Boras, in a last ditch effort to get a few extra million, called Cashman and told him that the best deal on the table was 8 for 170 and for 180, they could have him. I truly believe that it was that simple.

And now we have the player that we always hoped Jason Giambi would be. A guy that will hit ahead of A-Rod in the lineup and put up monster season after monster season. This is huge. The Yankees offense was horrible last season and they needed a better upgrade than Nick fucking Swisher.

Financially, I understand that most of you are frustrated. The Yankees can just throw money to anyone and not worry about a potential bust. It doesn't matter to them. They print money. There are many owners in MLB that are worth more than the Steinbrenner's. The only difference is that George and Sons will spend whatever it takes to win. Titles mean more than fiscal responsibility. You've got to at least respect that...even if it's just a little bit. As fans, we all wish that our favorite teams would take a win-at-all stance. Well, that is the definition of the New York Yankees.

As far as the old adage that "you can't buy a championship unless you are the 1997 Marlins" goes, I totally agree with that. But you also can't win with just people that you drafted. You have to have a balance. You don't realize this but the Yankees are still doing things the way that you hoped they would always do it. The entire bullpen is homegrown. If the season started today, 3 of the 5 starters come from the system. Cano, Gardner, and Melky are from within as well. The difference is, the Yankees don't fuck around with waiting to see if they can sign David Dellucci on the cheap in February. They go out, spend the money, and bring in the best players to fill out the holes. You can't fault them for being aggressive and knowing what they want.

Finally, and hopefully this calms you down a bit more, even with CC, AJ, and Teix, they aren't guaranteed shit. It could all blow up in their faces. They have the talent in place to be one of the best teams of all-time now, but things happen and it's not a forgone conclusion that the new Yankee Stadium will win a title in it's first season. Admit it, you were kind of sad that the Yankees didn't make the postseason last year (even with 89 wins which was considered an abomination of a season in New York). They didn't give you anyone to loathe in the playoffs. Sure, we all hate the Red Sox, but it's more fun to root against the Yankees. Well, now you have that reason back. So instead of bitching about how things aren't fair, just remember how empty your life was in October when you couldn't hate the Yankees. And now it's back, baby!!!

That being said, FUCK YOU ALL, THE YANKEES ARE WINNING THE WORLD SERIES IN 2009!!! Have a Merry Christmas, we'll be dark here the rest of the week but I'll be here on Monday leading you up to 2009. START SPREADING THE NEWS!!!

This Guy???

Here's some trivia for you all on this Tuesday afternoon:

Who was the architect of one of the worst offenses in the country this year?
Who has almost no ties to the MAC?
Who was demoted by Charlie Weis halfway through the 2008 season?
Who is the 6th black head coach in college football?
Who excels in mediocrity?

The answer to all of those questions is the new Miami University head football coach, Mike Haywood. Haywood has been the offensive coordinator at Notre Dame since 2005 and we all know how dynamic they've been. The only positive I can see from this is that our God awful attempt to run the spread offense has gone the way of Gerald Ford.

Stupid RedHawks. I really hate college football. Why couldn't our stupid athletic department go with the safest, sure-fire, winning head coach options like Ditka or Wayne Fontes.

I kind of want to register the website "haywoodyoufireme.com".

Your G$FL Champion Is...

...not G$. My Monday night magic finally wore off and I have to settle on 2nd place. Your 2008 G$FL is Damman (pictured with his Latin lothario husband) and he had a pretty dominating performance in the Super Bowl with a 75-62 win over me. Congratulations, sir, on your first title. Welcome to the club of champions.

We were talking on Saturday night about our matchup and we both decided that as long as the winner put up a big number, we could live with whatever the outcome would be. Well, I can live with it. Usually, the benchmark for a win in my league is 60 points. I hit that and didn't come close. And no, the decision to bench Chris Johnson and start Darren McFadden did not matter. For what it's worth, I still think it was the right decision as D-Mac had more total yards.

Ironically, in round one, had Warrick Dunn had one more yard against the Panthers, Damman is out. Last week, had Brian Westbrook not got stopped by the Browns at the one inch line, he's done (and I would have SMOKED that fucker, Drew, in the championship). But those are the breaks. So congratulations, D, on your championship. You will get your money whenever I run into you again (probably won't be this week since I'm only back in Naptown on Christmas Eve).

But all hope is not lost for me because I've got another Super Bowl coming this weekend. Two Super Bowls in one year, eh? Yeah, I know how to play fantasy football a little bit.

Worst. Gifts. Ever.

Are you still struggling to complete your Christmas shopping? Did someone at your office just give you something today and now you feel obligated to do likewise? Are you a complete idiot that has no idea what people want? Do you want to make sure that your gift is so awful that no one will ever give you anything ever again?

Let me help you out. For some strange reason, I haven't been watching nearly as much TV recently as I usually do. But, I still can't escape these products. People, we are currently experiencing a Golden Age in crappy gifts. I like to think that I have found the three dumbest ideas on the planet. If you hate your co-workers as much as I do, pick up some of these things, hand it to them, and make a mental note of their reaction. That's the gift that truly keeps on giving all year long.

Mighty Putty
Fuck Billy Mays in the ass. This dickbag has been on TV for years now hawking products that absolutely suck. He came out with Oxy-Clean when I was in college and we bought a big pail of it to clean up our dump of a place. Do you know what that stuff is made out of? Chalk and pureed tampons. It doesn't work. And now he's got Mighty Putty. The stuff that will allow you to pick up a cinder block. Because, you know, EVERYONE is missing a chain link at some point in their lives and that cinder block isn't going to move itself. My favorite part of this infomercial is when they craft a new handle for a coffee mug. Listen, asshole Americans, for what you spend on this shit, you could buy 4 mugs. I want to kill Billy Mays.

Chia Herbs!
I don't know how Chia Pets work. I don't want to know either. This year, the fine people at that company are unleashing the Chia Herb Garden on the world. Why go out and buy fresh basil for your pasta when you could make it out of Chia!!! That is fucking disgusting. I wouldn't feed Chia Herbs to my co-workers and I hate them. Who is buying these products anyway? There is no excuse for the Chia company to still be in business. Yet every year, they keep finding ways to poison our society with their weirdo grass-growing technology.

The Snuggie!!!
Ah yes, the blanket with sleeves designed for old people and mental defectives. This combo of comfort together at last! What kind of a dipshit can't handle a blanket and his remote control at the same time? It looks like something that a fucking Jedi would wear. These aren't the droids you're looking for. Apparently, She-Money owns one of these things...I'm so embarrassed. But this is the same woman that asked for a coat rack for Christmas so what else should I expect. I wonder if she got that nifty little book-light that comes free with the Snuggie. If one of the biggest problems in your life is "blanket positioning", why don't you just jump in front of a bus already.

I've done what I can, people. The balls in your court now to ruin someone's Christmas. Oh, the roommate got a shot glass in a Secret Santa that said "Alcohol brings out the gay in me". Something like that for your boss would be nice. But you could just tell them, "drinking anything brings out the gay in you!" Am I right? High five?

The Worst of Week Sixteen Vol.II

Wow. That Sunday night game was about as freaking great as the NFL can get. The Panthers and Giants put on a classic. Very clean, no turnovers, great execution, clutch plays...the exact opposite of what you would expect from the Cleveland Browns. I could easily see both of these teams as Super Bowl champions as long as their crappy QB's don't get in the way. But, as this column always delves into on a weekly basis, not everything was great in the (insert Ron Jaworski voice) National Football League this weekend. In fact, there was some truly God awful play by some of the bigger names in the business. Let's get into that, shall we?

10. Eastern Michigan Eagles - Ron English? Seriously? That's the best that you could do, huh. I just hope that when the RedHawks name their next coach, they don't settle on someone this inept. Poor Emoo's. Their 8 diehard fans deserve better than this.

9. Matt Schaub - I bet you didn't know this but the Texans were 7-7 heading into Oakland yesterday. And then they got their asses kicked...by the Raiders. Hey dumbass, Gary Kubiak, when you are down 27-16 in the 4th quarter and have a 4th and 1 from the 5, you ALWAYS kick the field goal. What an idiot. Even Romeo knows that you kick the field goal. And young Schaub, you kinda sorta suck.

8. Derrick Brooks - Do you remember when the Bucs defense was actually good? They can't stop anyone anymore. You would think that the Bucs had a shoe-in win with Norv the pit-faced penis coming east, but you would be wrong. Because Brooks and Company thought it would be a better idea to let Marmalard Rivers throw four touchdowns and he's terrible.

7. Adrian Peterson - I'm a Purple Jesus fan but, come on man, stop putting the ball on the turf. When your QB is as bad as the Vikings is, you can't fumble the ball every other carry and expect to win. Somehow, these fuckers are going to host a playoff game...what a joke.

6. Donovan McNabb - Suck my balls, Mr. Ace! I hope you enjoy wearing my Portis jersey at the JFL Draft next year. The Eagles fucking suck. They only scored 3 points against a team that quit a month ago and probably saved Zorn's job in the process. It always sucks when your team gets eliminated from playoff contention, but I take solace in knowing that we took the Eagles and their shitty QB with us (admit it, you're done). Donovan is horrible and shame on all of you who for fell for his act the past few weeks.

5. Romeo Crennel (The HERM! Edwards Memorial Spot) - Poor, Romeo. His offense hasn't scored in 5 games now. FIVE GAMES. Browns fans are stupid and will say that it's all his fault but they're a bunch of dumbasses. It is everyone's fault. Phil Savage put this team together. Your owner likes soccer more than football. Your players suck. Romeo will take the fall, but this organization needs gutted.

4. Kurt Warner - This is Kurt Warner. He sucks when it's cold outside. Anyone can throw the ball in the Fall. Real QB's can do it in any conditions. And how about Matt Leinart getting dusted off and getting himself a TD! Way to go, deadbeat dad! Oh, the Cardinals have no chance to win their first playoff game. I don't care if it's at DeVry University Stadium or whatever the name is.

3. Brett Favre - In his past 4 games, during a supposed playoff push, Johnny Wranglers has 1 touchdown and 6 picks. He's a below average QB at this point. I was listening to Michael Smith on ESPN radio yesterday morning before I spun my car out on 33 (not fun at all, whoever the asshole was that left the massive car part on the road, thanks, prick) heading to grandma's and he made a great point: Favre should only be handing off. No more throwing. Just hand the ball off. Somehow this fucker got elected to the Pro Bowl...fucking idiots.

2. Ben Roethlisberger - Whenever you think you know the NFL, the NFL sticks it up your ass. EVERYONE picked the Steelers to roll through Tennessee yesterday and instead they got destroyed. It didn't help matters that my boy was a turnover machine. That's the key to beating the Titans...you can't turn it over. They aren't going to. But Ben wasn't nearly as horrible as...

1. The Dallas Cowboys - That was fucking awesome. It was going to be a great night. All of those former Cowboys were released from prison to say farewell to Texas Shithole. They were going to cement their place in the playoffs. Jerry Jones was going to murder children like he always does. But my boy, Ray-Ray, was having none of that. The Ravens stuck it up their pee-hole on Saturday and it tasted delicious. That Shithole Stadium deserved a final game like that. I'll tell you what, if you want to get me the greatest gift ever for Xmas, just make a compilation of the worst losses in Cowboys history. I would watch that thing every single fucking day. I hear that that gift comes with a severed Jerry Jones head and I could use one of those.

There you have it. A truly abysmal week from some of the "superstars" of the (Jaworski again) National Football League. If you were wondering about the Damman/G$ G$FL Super Bowl matchup, yikes, I need some help. He put up a big number and I probably need 4 scores tonight from the combo of Rodgers and Forte with Jennings not getting any of them. It's not a great shot, but I've still got life. We'll see how it goes. If it doesn't work out in my favor, I will actually go high class and give him credit on Tuesday. I promise. On another note, in the lesser known JFL, I shocked the world (thanks, DeAngelo!) and sent the 14-1 #1 seed packing so I'm in the Super Bowl for that league as well. I can't believe that I'm making money in fantasy football. Unbelievable. Almost forgot, all of you can go fuck yourselves...except for you, Dut, you were looking quite suave on Friday.

Write Your Own Damn Joke

There really is nothing more that I could add for this one. Skip Bayless sucks fat balls. I bet that he wears ascots. Apparently, he wants to give a few QB's in the league a little "slap-and-tickle". It is a tad bit humorous that Skippy has a little bit of the Jungle Fever. Honestly, I think that his list is really about 500-600 deep but he keeps it wedged next to his taint for safe keeping. God, I hate Skip Bayless.

This Means War

A lot can be said about how dangerous it is to defend one's country. But I can't say anything about that because I have no idea what that's like. I'm sure it would feature a daily dose of me shitting my pants and having my gun taken away because I keep shooting myself. There is one thing that I do know, however, and that is that this weekend's G$FL Super Bowl is going to be knock-down, drag-out fight to the death. Which is actually a pretty good analogy. If you ever sit down with a soldier that has done a tour over seas, they will always tell you that war and fantasy football are exactly the same.

And now I know that this is true. For this weekend, I have no choice but to shoot the best man in my wedding right square in the face. It's G$ vs. Damman. The Wet Bandits vs. The No Guys. The title on the line. I'm going for my 2nd championship in 4 years while Damman is trying to shed the label of G$FL's Marv Levy seeing that this is the third year in a row for him in the Finals and he's still seeking that first championship. Let's break down the matchup:

Damman (Yahoo has him as a 2 point favorite which is ridiculous, call Vegas and bet your house on me):
QB Cutler (BUF)
RB Tomlinson (@TB)
RB R. Brown (@KC)
RB Faulk (ARI)
WR Bowe (MIA)
WR Jennings (@CHI)
WR Colston (@DET)
TE Witten (BAL)
K Prater (BUF)
Dallas (BAL)
Thoughts: LT has sucked all year, even when he scores, he doesn't rack up big yards. Jennings is pretty much worthless for him since I start that QB. I'm not concerned about Bowe since the Dolphins haven't given up a TD in about a year and while Witten normally has big weeks when he's facing one of my teams, I don't expect a big game against Baltimore. The only thing that scares me is Cutler. The guy sucked last week and if history is any indicator, he will have a good week this week. I can handle 300 yards, but let's hope he only finds the end zone twice. Come on, Bills Defense!!!

G$:
QB Rodgers (@CHI)
RB Portis (PHI)
RB Forte (GB)
RB McFadden (HOU)
WR Bryant (SD)
WR Braylon (CIN)
WR Breaston (@NE)
TE Carlson (NYJ)
K Bironas (PIT)
Giants (CAR)
Thoughts: You all know my rule, always start guys playing on Monday Night. I LOVE having a QB and a stud RB in that game. Portis hasn't scored in over a month so I think he's due. I had a dilemma between Chris Johnson and McFadden and I went with D-Mac just because the Steelers swallow up RB's. I figured that I drafted McFadden in the 4th round and haven't started him since week 1, I may as well give him a go in the championship. Bryant is a freaking stud going against a crappy pass defense. I'm starting Braylon only because I want to beat a Browns fan for the title with him in my lineup. I wasn't going to play Breaston (Ocho Cinco instead) until I heard Boldin may not play and that means more touches for him. Carlson is getting a ton of balls the last few weeks.

Conclusion: I really like my odds. Even if I'm down 20 points heading into Monday Night at Soldier Field, I still think I'm going to win. When the dust settles on Monday night, your old buddy, G$, is going to be wearing the crown (we actually have a crown in this league thanks to my Prom King win ten years ago! I'm popular...well, at least She-Money is).

Fuck you, Damman, you are going down. Make you predictions for this epic battle in the comments. See you all on Monday morning.

Find The Aztec

One of these guys is the new coach at San Diego State. The other three are vying for the lead in "Death Blow: The 2008 Ball State Cardinals' Story".

Seriously though, how is it possible that 4 300 pound guys that aren't related can look so much like brothers. You know what, they could all get together and remake the crappy Four Brothers movie from a few years back. I smell Oscar. But then again, that could be Mark Wahlberg's acting. Either way, something stinks.

Santa Blogs Is Coming

We are one week away from Christmas or whatever the hell else people celebrate. It's a time for giving and sharing and other stuff. Apparently, Jesus was born around this time but us Americans have completely forgotten about that. But it's the one time of the year where people get you much better presents than you get them. "Oh, thanks for the Wii, mom and dad, I hope you like the paperweight that I just got you!"

Anyway, we've had a pretty fun year here at The Money Shot and I figured that today, I would give back to you. Not all of you though. Any dipshit can read this site. But it takes something special to post comments and add to the discussion on a daily basis. THAT is who I am rewarding today. So I've got my "Santa Blogs" costume on (seriously, it took me 5 hours to think of that name and it still sucks but how great is it that I found a pic of a Santa flaunting a wad of cash...I guess I could have went with St. Prick now that I think about it) and it's time to reward my faithful commenters:

To commenter, Stiles, Santa Blogs has given you: I've installed a microscopic camera inside the shower of Amy Robach for you. Now I have no idea who this broad is, but you keep pining about her so I'm giving her to you. Enjoy the constant masturbation!

To commenter, Dustin, Santa Blogs has given you: This photo, available on eBay NOW, of Braylon Edwards. What makes this so special, you ask? Well, it's Braylon doing what he does best...dropping passes. And it comes with a free frame!

To commenter, Lil' Strut, Santa Blogs has given you: Some headphones. Now these aren't your average Bose pieces of shit. Nope, these things drown out only one particular noise...your brother's voice! You'll thank me later.

To commenter, The Wig Master, Santa Blogs has given you: As a Bowling Green alum, I can only imagine the kind of filth that eminates out of your junk on a daily basis. So I'm thinking that you could use a good chuckle. That's why I'm giving you the DVD of "The Best of Kyle Owen Spiess". All of his tasteless remarks and behaviors in one place for the first time! Cherish this beauty.

To commenter, Grumpy, Santa Blogs has given you: Grump, considering that you started the initial "Fire Shane Montgomery" site, I want to give you something that you (and I) desperately need again...a winning college football team. It's going to happen, dammit.

To commenter, JBeanie, Santa Blogs has given you: I struggled trying to come up with something truly special for you, Beanie. But I think I've got it. Santa Blogs is giving you the job of Cleveland Indians closer. I figured that you can't be any worse than Kerry Wood, Joe-Bo, Wickman, or Jose Mesa...so why the fuck not? Now go get that arm in shape. If Eric Wedge has shown, if you can throw 82 mph, you can close for him.

To commenter, Tony B, Santa Blogs has given you: Tony, your gift last year of "no more Rex Grossman" was a mighty good one. That's going to be hard to top. This year, I'm going to make life easy on you. For the rest of your life, the Chicago Cubs will never make the playoffs again. Because, come on, they aren't going to win it anyway, you might as well not have to lose sleep about it.

To commenter, Irishman, Santa Blogs has given you: Due to your love of Notre Dame football, I'm getting you the gift that every Irish fans needs: The Charlie Weis Kitchen! It's a deep-fryer, a bucket of lard, a pubic hair trimmer, a lifetime supply of bacon-wrapped chicken gizards, and another deep fryer! Touchdown Jesus will need a Touchdown Defibrulator.

To commenter, Drew, Santa Blogs has given you: 5 minutes. Brass knuckles. Steel-toed boots. Immunity from the law. Matt Millen. Due your best because once those 5 minutes are up, you're done.

To commenter, Upstate Underdog, Santa Blogs has given you: 3 year extension be damned! I'm going to do something for you that may jeopardize my future as a free citizen. I'm going to kidnap Dick Jauron's entire family and force him to resign. Then I will take JP Losman and Trent Edwards to Niagara Falls where they will mysteriously go missing. Finally, I hire Turner Gill to be the first ever starting QB/head coach in NFL history. Can you say "Super Bowl"?

To commenter, Damman, Santa Blogs has given you: This wonderful Derek Anderson 2008 Pro Bowl jersey! This will always remind you of the greatest QB to ever play for the Browns. The retail value of this beauty has to be at least $10,000. I've also included in this package a dinner date with you, Bruce Drennan, and Gene Winters.

To commenter, GSaul, Santa Blogs has given you: I'm giving you the now vacated job of Michigan Defensive Coordinator. You Big Blue fans think you have all of the answers, don't you? Prove it. If Santa Blogs could make a suggestion, the "punt block" defense in Madden games is always great. Send ten guys after the QB on every play!

To commenter, Mr. Ace, Santa Blogs has given you: Being the only Eagles fan that I know, you are getting something that all Eagles fans want. No, not a Super Bowl title because that's never going to happen again. But you get a game-worn Andy Reid parka body suit thing that he wears when it's cold and makes him look like Yokozuna. If you pair this with the Charlie Weis Kitchen, you will fill it out in no time.

To commenter, Glick, Santa Blogs has given you: Now, you are the only human being on the planet with an Atlanta Falcons Eric Metcalf jersey. I'm sure it doesn't fit anymore. So I'm replacing it for you. And before you bitch about how you don't need this gift, THIS jersey won't have nearly as many "man-stains" on it as your current one does.

Say thank you, everyone. If you feel that Santa Blogs forgot about you, you should probably start crafting better and more frequent comments. I'm sure Santa Blogs could take a dump in your stocking if you really want something. Let's hope that 2009 is as great here as 2008 was. Ho's! Ho's! Ho's! Bye, bye, Santa Blogs. See you next year!

Bowl Pools!!!

I'm not starting any bowl pools this year basically because I'm incredibly lazy. But that doesn't mean that there aren't options out there for my loyal band of 20-23 readers. I've signed up for three and I recommend you do the same because you all need to see how inferior you are compared to me at least twice.

J Beanie Bowl Fun (nice fucking name)
Where: ESPN's College Bowl Mania or whatever it's called.
It's open to the public
Reward: Win this challenge and you get to run his site for the day although I don't know if that's a good thing because writing posts isn't the easiest thing in the world.

Upstate Underdog's Pool
Where: Yahoo
League ID and password: 6204 and "bowls"
Reward: Guest post over at Fantasy Sports Complaint Box

The Sports Paddio Bowl Pick 'Em
Where: Yahoo again
League ID and password: 42176 and "tsp"
Reward: A The Sports Paddio prize pack which is currently a mystery and may include a punch in the face and used syringes.

I did my part. Get in, try to beat me (off), and maybe win something while you're at it.

The Big Ten Is Back...Maybe

The college hoops season is about a month in now and while there are a few things that we already knew (North Carolina is awesome, Stephen Curry and Michael Bramos are awesome, and Indiana sucks), there is one subplot to the season that is somewhat going unnoticed: The Big Ten is a good conference. Not great mind you, but it's been years since it's been anything more than average.

You figured that it was going to turn around at some point though, right? There are just too many good head coaches (Izzo, Ryan, Painter, Tubby, Beilein, Matta, and now Crean) to continue to wallow in mediocrity. Michigan State and Purdue haven't gotten off to the starts that they wanted to, but they still have more talent than anyone else in the league. The Buckeyes and Wolverines have been pleasant surprises. I think that the Big Ten is looking at 6 solid bids this season. Now, I don't really believe that there are any teams that are threats to get passed the Sweet 16 round, but it's a start in the right direction.

But enough of this showering of praise on a conference that I truly hate.

Do you remember when we had the big, annoying controversy about the Buckeye football team being overrated? It sucked and those who were involved in the feud have been locked up in my basement ever since. They are eligible for my dungeon parole program in time for March Madness. That being said...

Ohio State is overrated. They are. I don't care that they are undefeated. That team is just screaming of being the 5 seed that loses to the 12 seed out in Provo, Utah or wherever the hell they are holding the first round out West this year. First of all, and this is a moot point right now, that record should have two giant asterisks by it. If their backup PG doesn't con Jack McClinton into taking a swipe at him, they lose to The U by 20. If Luke Harangody isn't coming off of pneumonia, he blows up for 35/20 and Notre Dame wins. But as I said, it's irrelevant now because that stuff did happen and the Buckeyes took advantage of it. It's all part of God's plan to make the Buckeyes season end abruptly all the more sweet.

Do you want to know why I'm calling for the Buckeyes to lose in the first round of the tournament 3 months before it begins? Here's why and it's pretty simple:
*They have no go-to guy when they need a basket. And if you answer this by saying Evan Turner, I will rip your fucking balls off. MSU has Morgan, Purdue has Hummel, and Michigan has two guys...the Bucks don't have anyone.
*BJ Mullens is a stiff. The kid is not the next Greg Oden. He's three years away from being the next Kosta Koufos.
*Jon Deibler misses more threes than anyone in the country but he still keeps chucking anyway. Teams that overly rely on the three never, ever have a ton of success in March.
*Any veteran team with a veteran point guard will shred that zone. Teams that play zones are a joke (except for Beilein's crazy ass scheme, that is a thing of beauty).
*Thad Matta is a spazz. The guy can recruit his ass off, but I'm not sold on his ability as a great strategist.
*Dallas Lauderdale can't be on the floor at the end of close games. And this is sad because he may be the most improved player in the country but the fact is, he can't shoot free throws.
*Mediocre point guard play is a killer. It's still early, but I don't trust Jeremie Simmons.
*David Lighty is horrible.

I may be wrong. There is a first time for everything. But I'm calling my shot anyway. Do you remember a handful of years ago when OSU lost in the first round to Utah State via the extremely hot hand of Bernard Rock? Well, I do. It was glorious. And history will repeat itself again.

UPDATE!!! Guys, you need to check this site out. Ohio State 12th man, Mark Titus, has his own blog describing what it's like to never play. It's great.

From The Desk Of Sam Bradford...

Dear Billy Sims,

Wow. What a weekend! Not in my wildest dreams could I imagine ever being named the best college football player in the nation. Eventhough Tim Tebow deserved it, I'll still take it though because much like Colt McCoy deserving the BCS title game more than me, once again everything is comin' up Bradford. That's TWICE now that I've been granted something that someone else was more qualified than me for! Unbelievable.

I was so nervous the entire week while in New York. So nervous that I tried to give myself a haircut. That would explain me looking like a homeless person, right! LOL!!! I can't believe that I got to meet former greats like Gino Torretta, Andre Ware, and Eric Crouch. That was a real "who's who" of football greats. And don't even get me started on being interviewed by Chris Fowler! He used to host SportsCentury!

But when that one guy who had no idea what decade it was announced to the world that I was the 1998--err, 2008 Heisman Trophy winner, OMG! All of those years of hard work and dedication had finally paid off for little Sammy. Even this year, Coach Visor-Douche let me run up the score on teams with rotten defenses just so I could win the award of best stats as opposed to being the best player. I did it. I DID IT, BILLY!

The clincher for me was walking up to that podium and seeing all of those past winners clapping and acknowledging my accomplishments. And then there was you. You were so excited for me that the only thing you could do is constantly scream, "BOOMER"! I still don't know why but at the the time, I figured you were just having a seizure. Most people will never be able to say that on the night that they were awarded as the best in their field, some crazy old black man kept interrupting him with incessant and unnecessary screaming. BOOMER!

But I get that you are proud of me and all of the past and present Sooners. And because of that, I am going to take your lead and start trying to overshadow others when they are experiencing the crowning achievement in their lives. Because the spotlight needs to be on us at all times. We're Sooners, dammit, and that makes us more important than anyone else. For example, if some friends of mine have a baby and I show up at the hospital, I would say based on your tutelage of always being the center of attention:
For a Girl: Whoa, she's got a pretty mouth on her.
For a Boy: Pffffft, my dick is way bigger than his.

You see, it's always got to be about us even at the expense of others. And that is a lesson that I learned from you, my friend. You taught me that vital lesson. Thank you, Billy. And in the immortal ramblings of Billy Sims...BOOMER!!!

XO XO XO

Sam Bradford, Heisman '08

And Then There Were Two

You are looking at the face of the enemy. Your old pal, G$, took out the 1 seed in the G$FL semifinals this week and is now one game away from capturing his 2nd title in 4 years. The only roadblock left...the 6 seed, child molester, and hated commenter, Damman. This matchup will get it's own post on Friday to preview the Super Bowl.

Oh, expect Drew to show up in the comments bitching about how he was down 4 going into the Monday Nighter with Brian Westbrook and the fucker didn't show up against Willie McGinest.

Damman, it is fucking on. I beat you 3 weeks ago and I will beat you again this week. The title is mine.

The Worst Of Week Fifteen Vol.II

This is going to be pretty simple today. I only watched one game yesterday. It was as awful as I expected. It was a season-ender. I want to kill myself. I've never been more pissed off about the NFL in my life (probably not true but I'm going for effect here). You know how pregnant chicks sometimes have morning sickness? Well, after yesterday (hell, for the past month), I'm having a serious fucking case of "Zorning Sickness". Fuck it, let's vent:

10.-1. Jim Zorn and The Washington Redskins
Miserable. Absolutely fucking terrible. That was pathetic. Do you have any idea how much it sucks to walk out of a stadium and seeing Bengals fans happy? It's 10 times worse than you could possibly imagine. These people live their entire fucking lives knowing that they are losers. But I had to be there when they enjoyed their one day respite from their crappy lives as sports fans. Riding the escalator down to the concourse after the game, some old cunt said to me, "I bet you didn't think that the Redskins would lose to the Bengals today, did you?" It took every ounce of strength in me to not knock that bitch's teeth out. But I took the high road and locked my beady, hate-filled eyes on her. I just stared daggers into her soul for 5 seconds, allowed my rage not to get the better of me, and regained my focus to get the fuck out of there as soon as possible. But let me discuss that classic game for a minute.

Jim Zorn's offense is absolutely horrible. I could defend that crap. There's no imagination. No shots down the field. Just a bunch of dink passes, 2 yard runs, and punts. And why the fuck would any coach call for Mike Sellers to run not one, but two rushes at the goalline when you have Clinton fucking Portis? Just awful. I'm done defending Zorn. If he gets fired, then so be it. He has earned his pink slip for losing to the god damn Bengals.

Defensively, ugh. Greg Blache can burn in Hell as well. They still can't get any pressure. They let Cedric Benson get close to 175 total yards. Cedric. Benson.

But my favorite part of yesterday was just watching my team quit. The Redskins quit after Cooley's fumble on the first possession. There was no fire. They just acted like they didn't want to win. And after they lose their next two games to finish 7-9 after starting 6-2, I'll get to spend the rest of the year thinking about what could have been if this team only had a heart. Or a brain. Or courage. The 2008 Washington Redskins are pretty much the exact opposite of the three gay guys from The Wizard of Oz.

At least I won some money at the casino on Saturday night (the blackjack dealer at my table looked exactly like Chau Giang). And I got drunk before the game...nothing beats a good "mornin' drinkin'". And I beat The Wig Master in the JFL fantasy playoffs (thank you very much, controversial Big Ben TD pass!). Now I just need Braylon Edwards to not let DeSean Jackson outscore him by 6 fantasy points tonight to make the G$FL Super Bowl. So at least I've got other things to take my mind off of the abortion in DC.

Fuck this shit. I need to mail some anthrax to Jim Zorn. Stupid asshole. And thank you, JBeanie, for the extremely unnecessary text message after the game. I hope you blow out your knees in the middle of your weekly coitus with Bruce Drennan. I need a Xanax.

Championship.

So should I order my World Series tickets now or later? I'll order them now so I can beat the mad rush of Yankees fans. The starting rotation just got a lot better yesterday with the addition of 2008 AL Strikeouts leader, AJ Burnett. Now the starting rotation looks like this (and it looks pretty fierce):

Sabathia, Burnett, Wang, Chamberlain, and Hughes/free agent

That's amazing! I hope that if Cashman wants another starting pitcher, that he doesn't settle on Pettitte. Go out and get Ben Sheets for two years and hope that he stays healthy.

It's high time that the Yankees take their rightful place back up on the throne and it looks like we're well on our way to getting back there.

I'm A Joke Maker

Today, we're talking about hilarity. If there is one thing that I like to think that I know (other than everything), it's what is and isn't funny. You can't write an awful blog without being able to dabble in utterly tasteless humor. Do I take unfair potshots at people and joke about things that aren't funny? You bet. Why? Because in the current state of the world, I feel that a well-crafted AIDS joke or a casual racist analogy is just what we need to turn the corner as a society. I suppose that that makes me some sort of a Renaissance Man.

But not everyone is funny. In fact, due to my high standards for who I'm willing to laugh with, I find most comedians and comedic actors to be unfunny. One exception would be Jim Gaffigan who just accepted my friend request on Facebook. Oh yeah, we're totally best friends (Hot Pockets!). Today, I'm unloading a laundry list of people that I absolutely loathe who consider themselves joke makers. I tried to rank them, but they all suck so I'm just giving out my list in no particular order:

Ray Romano - His hilarious SNL episode aside, Raymond is the worst sitcom of all time.
Brad Garrett - And this is why it is the worst show ever...I can do a pretty fair impression of this lurchy asshole though. Don't forget about 'Til Death! Man, Garrett is totally going to Hell with that resume.
Dane Cook - There is no stand-up today less funny than Cook. Oh, you're going to tell a ten minute story and then get to a punchline that isn't funny? Sign me up!
Carlos Mencia - You weren't funny the first time I heard you...when you were George Lopez. I get it. You're a Mexican that likes to play up stereotypes that even I don't find funny.
Robin Williams - The last time he was funny was in Good Morning, Vietnam and that was almost 2 decades ago. Shave your arms and call me when you have a new routine.
Jim Belushi - Did you know that According To Jim is still cranking out new episodes? Do you know anyone that cares?
Kathy Griffin - By far, the most awful woman on the planet. Calling her a D-List celeb is insulting to other D-Listers like The Two Coreys or Joe The Plumber.
Jim Carrey - Yeah, you should probably just go away. Yes Man looks fucking terrible.
Hal Sparks - I love those "I Love The" shows on Vh1...except for when Sparks throws out his terrible comments. Give me more Michael Ian Black and feel free to inject Hal with feline AIDS.
Jon Stewart - The Daily Show is apparently popular. I don't know why. Stewart is truly awful.
David Spade - What a whiny little bitch. You've got to wonder if he would even have a career had Farley and Sandler not let him ride their coattails. It speaks volumes of your humor when Rob Schneider is funnier than you.
Seth Meyers - Head writer and Weekend Update douche on SNL now...squirrelly little cunt. He had the worst John Kerry impression ever (even worse than Caliendo's W and that is atrocious).
Anyone that was on MadTV other than Artie Lange - Do I even need to elaborate? That show makes According To Jim look like Cheers.
The Blue Collar Assholes other than Ron White - Redneck humor...how did this ever become popular? Larry The Cable Queer is a movie star? The Bill Engvall Show? Shame on you, America.

and finally, the least funniest man on the planet...

Tyler Perry - On TBS...very funny! Not only is he ruining lives with House of Payne, I saw a commercial tonight for his new show, Meet The Browns (or something like that). I assume that this show is popular with the black community which leads me to one conclusion: we may need to start thinking about deporting black people. Not because they are bad or anything, but because they only encourage Tyler Perry to keep creating this shit.

Time for a discussion. Did I miss someone? Would you like to challenge any of these selections? It's a free-for-all today so whatever you want to talk about (fantasy football playoffs?), go ahead and shoot. I'll be back Monday after a woeful trip to the worst city in civilized America...Cincinnati!

He Puts The K In Yankees

God dammit. Stupid Brian Cashman. Contrary to popular belief, the starting pitching and bullpen were not the issue for the Yankees last season. It was the sporadic offense and lack of timely hitting. They couldn't score. Oh, but that's all fixed now.

Because Mike Cameron is coming to town?

A team that sucked on offense last season probably won't get any better if you sign or trade for two guys that can't even hit .250 (Swisher's in this category). This is mind-boggling. Who's next on Cashman's wish list? Adam fucking Dunn? I have no problem dumping Melky Cabrera because he had hit his ceiling, but come on, Mike Cameron sucks. And I think he was a steroid guy, too, if I recall correctly.

And don't worry, this spending spree isn't close to being over. Oh no. For within the next few days, you will see the greatest contract in the history of sports get signed...AJ Burnett for 90+ million!!! Fuck this shit.

Jim Boeheim Supports Good Character

I've never been a big fan of Syracuse. I did root for the Carmelo team a few years ago but that was the first and last time I've pulled for the Orange. I can't really figure out exactly why I don't like them, but I'm pretty damn sure that it's because of Jim Boeheim. You see, Boeheim is kind of a massive bag of dicks. He's a carbon copy of Visanthe Shiancoe's dong.

I just can't respect him or his program. He plays a soft zone which is just plain cowardly defense. If you are going to play zone and not teach your kids any defensive principles at all, make it a trapping, aggressive one (see: Beilein, John). Don't just sit back in a 2-3 and clog the paint. It's pussy shit. I also think that Boeheim is a whiny, little bitch. Every single March he cries on ESPN about how his team should get a chance to play in the tournament eventhough they have 12 or 13 losses and played a schedule that ranked 250 or less in SOS. I just get the feeling that he thinks that since he finally won a title 5 years ago, that he should be given everything still today.

And his arrogance still shows through when it comes to disciplining his players. The 'Cuse's third leading scorer, Eric Devendorf, is on the verge of being kicked out of school for...(drum roll, please)...PUNCHING A WOMAN IN THE FACE!!! What a nice guy. And that's one hell of a Jim Brown impression he's got there. Oh, but don't worry, he'll still be playing:

"Any player can still play while the case is under appeal," Syracuse coach Jim Boeheim told ESPN.com on Wednesday, adding he will allow Devendorf to do just that (Syracuse's next game is Saturday against Long Beach State). "He's not going to be treated any differently" during that period, the coach said.

Well, at least the coach has his priorities in place. I wonder if Devendorf had punched Jim's wife would he still be lacing up for the Orange? I know one thing (and I'm not even a fan of his), if a player did this on Bobby Knight's team, he'd be already enrolled in Div-II school by now. This is just another example of how selfish coaches can be and why I hate egomaniacs.

And really what's the big deal about Devendorf? He's a white trash loser. You don't need this asshole. Look at him. Numerous tattoos, shaved head, thinks he's gangsta, punches women, chinstrap beard--those are like the 5 warning signs that you suck at life. Man, shit like this pisses me off. Before I go, here are two more rather large mutants in college basketball (Ohio State's white trash center, Blow Job Mullens, and Ohio University's own weirdo suckbag, Kenneth Van Kempen). Study their features because you will grow to loathe them as much as I do just for the way that they look. Ugly people...are they gross or what?

CC Sa-Bronx-ia

Ugh. That was awful. But that is the kind of headline that will be on the New York Post today. Well, either that or something worse like "Start Spreading The Butter". Anyway, CC Sabathia is apparently done giving Brian Cashman a bro-hug and is ready to sign on the dotted line and become a Yankee. While I obviously like the move, I still have a few trepidations regarding it. Either way, the Hank Steinbrenner Plan of Success is really coming to fruition.

Step 1: Throw truckloads of cash at a pitcher that weighs 400 pounds and who the Brewers tried to kill last year.
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Profit!

Welcome to New York, big guy. I recommend the pastrami.

The Simpson Redemption

Guess what? OJ Simpson was sentenced to an extremely extended stay in prison last week! That's not breaking news or anything but no one (that I've read at least) is exploring the consequences of this. Now that Fred Goldman is done chest-bumping anyone that will listen to him while Lt. Frank Drebin weeps in the corner, it's time to shift our focus a bit. Let's look at the residual effects of OJ heading to the can*.

*I admit it, I did not think of this topic. It was brought up to me by my shit-faced roommate on Saturday night. He could barely speak fluent English, probably doesn't remember it anyway, and not only doesn't have a blog, but would struggle to turn on a computer. So fuck him, I'm taking credit for this.

First of all, and Peter King wrote about this better than I ever could in his MMQB column this week, Canton can't do shit to OJ. The Hall of Fame is for on-field achievements and doesn't focus on extracurriculur activities. I mean, come on, no one is asking for Jim Brown or Michael Irvin to get dumped and they respectively punched women for fun and stabbed teammates in the neck with scissors. And all that OJ was guilty for, technically, was being a tad over-zealous when it came to getting back his property. Honestly, I would love to have my bust next to The Juice. People would walk by OJ's and immediately get disgusted. Then they would stumble onto my face and say things like, "I've never heard of this guy, but he's much, MUCH better than that last guy." And that's my goal in life...to be one better than the worst.

Now. Let's get to the part where we dive into the inner-psyche of OJ Simpson. This guy, per the rules of winning, votes for the Heisman Trophy winner every year. I'm quite certain that he doesn't show up to the ceremony (and he definitely won't now), but OJ freaking Simpson still helps decide the most prestigious award in sports. If memory serves me, if you win a Heisman, you vote for the winner until you die. So what the hell happens now? What is OJ's criteria for deeming who is deserving? Has he been watching games in the clink? Does he even have a TV? How does he have the foundation to make an educated selection? I would imagine that, much like the Hall of Fame, they can't take his vote away for being worthless (they still let Gino Toretta and Jason White vote!). So does he get a ballot from the D.A.C. via prison mail? What if the warden forgets to mail it back? These are questions that need to be answered! WHO DID THE JUICE VOTE FOR THIS YEAR!!!

Here's my suggestion of how can we build up OJ Simpson's reputation again. It's time for The Juice to start gaining some favor back with the American public. Obviously, there are a handful of families that will never forgive him but college football fans are fickle and easily swayed.

Let's get the NCAA to stock OJ's cell with ten plasmas and make him watch every single televised college football game. He can pay for the ESPN Game Plan package in cigarettes if need be. It's not like he has anything better to do once he's done lifiting weights and cleaning the bathroom. We make OJ Simpson THEE go-to guy when it comes to all things college football. An expert. He gets his own poll. Hell, scrap the BCS entirely and allow OJ free reign on assigning the BCS championship game and all other bowl games. After all, no one will have watched as much football as he will. You throw out the computers and the voters and the stupid coaches poll and give that responsibility to one man who knows every team better than he knows his own cell. If we can get The Juice to take this as seriously as he did football, acting, and the love for his wife, this will be a massive success!

This will work. It has to. It makes too much sense. OJ Simpson needs to run all of college football. The Juice can free us all of the BCS's tyranny.

What More Can He Do?

The Heisman Trophy is scheduled to be handed out this Saturday from wherever the Hell they do it these days (Downtown Athletic Club?). Like usual, the debate rages on regarding who the best player in college football is this season. Let me simplify things for you.

Tim Tebow has earned that trophy again.

I said it last week and I say it again this week: Tebow is one of, if not THEE, greatest players in the history of college football. Did you watch the SEC Championship game? He would not allow the Gators to lose. There is not a better leader in the country. He was a fucking warrior. And he HAS to be rewarded for it. Otherwise, it's just another notch in college football's belt as the worst run sport in the world.

Don't give me gaudy passing numbers to defend somebody else. I don't want to hear that shit. The QB's in the Big 12 get to play against soft and shitty defenses every week. As overrated as the SEC has been this season outside of the Big 2, the defense in that conference is still top notch. How many teams put up 30+ points against Alabama this season? That's a fucking NICK SABAN DEFENSE that he shredded!

In Sam Bradford's biggest game of the year, the game in which all OU and Texas players are remembered, he wasn't good enough to win. Colt McCoy didn't even win the Big 12 South (fairly or not). Graham Harrell shit the bed in Norman. Running up the score on Baylor does not make one immortal. Everyone who will be heading to New York has some blemish on their resume...so give it to the best player. Look at each guy and ask yourself, "Is this guy better than Tebow"? The answer is a resounding no.

Eventually, someone is going to join Archie Griffin as a two-time Heisman winner. Tebow has earned the right to be placed on that pedestal. Love him or hate him (and I have no idea how anyone could hate the kid), that trophy belongs to him again.

Antonio Bryant = Pimp

Fuck. Yes. Trailing by 6 points going into the Monday Nighter, my final prayer was Mr. Antonio Bryant. You may remember him as the guy that the Browns and 49ers and other shit teams didn't want. But here is, starting for The Wet Bandits in the G$FL Playoffs.

I needed either a touchdown or 150 yards. The yardage was obviously going to be more difficult so I was praying for him to score. I nearly had a stroke when he was marked down at the 2 in the 2nd quarter. He should have fucking scored. I don't know why he dove. I was fully prepared to write an 8,000 word death threat to him here today.

But my boy pulled through. Antonio Bryant is, for a week at least, my favorite player in the NFL. He's got G$'s back. G$ is moving on dammit. YES WE CAN!!!

Next week: #5 The Wet Bandits vs. #1 Bills Defense (not familiar with his roster other than d-bag Romo)...we will win again. The march to the title will not be stopped by a team run by Dick Jauron's son.

The Worst of Week Fourteen Vol.II

I'm writing this during the 2nd quarter of the Redskins/Ravens game. It's currently 14-0. You would think that I would be insanely pissed off. And while I kind of am, I'm really more paralyzed with frustration. J-Camp gets picked on the first drive--no reaction. Portis fumbles for a touchdown--no reaction. Mike Sellers doesn't block blitzers and showcases his impression of Roger Dorn's defense--no reaction. Ryan Plackemeier can't put a ball further than 30 yards--no reaction. What does this all mean and why should you care? It means that I am so agitated with the Redskins right now, that they've broken my spirit. Oh, and you shouldn't care either. But I'm beginning to understand what it's like to be a fan of the Lions, Bills, Browns, Bengals, Raiders, etc. It's just one giant whirlpool of suck that slowly, but surely, is flushing me down the toilet. Jim Zorn can kiss my ass. The defense has blitzed 6 or more guys 99 times this year and have 8 sacks...atrocious. I don't even want to go to Cincy this Sunday for the Skins game because I know that we're going to lose. Just look at the difference on each god damn sideline! The Ravens look they are having fun and the Skins look uptight and defeated. It's disgusting.

Before we get going, as far as an update on my fantasy team goes, we've got a shot. We need a touchdown out of Antonio Bryant tonight, but we've still got a shot. Just down six points and I'm counting on you, Antonio. And that's all I wanted...a chance. Fuck Sammy Morris and his garbage-ass touchdowns, too. The worst of the week:

10. Nate Davis - Stupid Ball State. Who loses to Buffalo? Davis, who some are saying may leave early for the NFL, turned the ball over FIVE times (2 returned for touchdowns) in the blowout loss to the perennial doormats of the MAC. If you can't win the MAC, you aren't going to win in the NFL (see: Jacobs, Omar; Frye, Charlie; and Harris, Josh). I suggest sticking around for your Senior year and, you know, actually accomplishing something first. The good thing about this is that the 2003 Miami team can still hold the title of the best MAC team ever.

9. Gus Frerrote - Whew, that was close. For awhile I thought that the Lions might be getting off the schnide due to Gus's awfulness. But, alas, the great Tarvaris Jackson came in with a hot hand and kept the dream of a perfect season alive in Detroit. Defeated Season? YES WE CAN!!!

8. Toronto - I'm sorry, America's Hat. You deserved better than that. Maybe Canada should just tell Ralph Wilson, thanks but no thanks. You can keep these losers in New York. The Dolphins have to be the worst 8-5 of all time, don't they? And the Bills...my God. If Dick Jauron doesn't get fired soon, it's a freaking miracle. They can't even beat the Browns.

7. Steven Jackson - Exactly why does everyone feel that he is an elite RB in the league? The guy has done almost nothing in his career but fools us with maybe 2 big games each season. Yesterday, he lost two fumbles and one was returned for a touchdown. I would bet that if you asked the city of LA if they wanted the Rams back, they would decline that offer. They would probably ignore your phone call.

6. David Garrard - It probably wasn't a good idea to give him superstar money this past offseason because he has sucked all season long. I know, I know, they have no offensive lineman, Fred Taylor has quit, and their WR's are garbage but still. No one is a bigger Garrard apologist than me but I've got no defense left for him. He sucks.

5. Mike McCarthy (The HERM! Edwards Memorial Spot) - What is going on in Green Bay? They have to be the best 5-8 team ever but they always fucking lose. The offense is good for the most part and the defense is usually better than giving up 400+ yards to Matt Schaub's corpse. But when the game is on the line, you can't let the Houston god damn Texans drive from the 5 yard line for the winning field goal! I've got to think that McCarthy is on extremely thin ice because there is no excuse for being 3 games behind Von Kaiser's team in the NFC North.

4. Jamal's Lewis's - 9 touches for 10 total yards. Well done you coke-transporting sack of shit. You can't blame Ken Dorsey for how bad the Browns were yesterday. You really can't. A third string QB is only there to collect a paycheck, you can't expect him to win a game for you. They really need to gut the entire Browns organization and start over again. Guess what, idiots, Marty Schottenheimer ain't the fucking answer to the question, "How do the Browns stop being a horrible franchise"?

3. Eli Manning - Doesn't the world feel right when Eli Manning is horrible? It does to me. Boy did he suck balls or what? His bid for MVP was officially ended yesterday and that is fine by me due to his not being that good and all. And hey Giants defense, the Eagles only have one good player on offense and his last name is Westbrook. You may have heard of him. You should probably focus on stopping him first and make McShitty beat you with his wounded ducks.

2. Brett Favre - There are very few players in the NFL that I root against more than Favre. Nice job losing to the 49ers. Nice job getting outplayed by Shaun Hill. Nice job being a douchebag. Can you just retire already. Side note: there is a former NFL player that frequents the bar that I always attend. He's pretty friendly with my red-headed roommate. His story about Favre, which is semi-amusing, is that everytime Brett sees you and tries to shake your hand, he uses the phrase, "put 'er in the ol' vise". What a fucking country-fried idiot.

1. Tony Romo - HA! What a bag of dicks! My least favorite player in the league "awww-shucks"ed his way to truly horrendous performance yesterday in Shitsburgh. The Cowboys had that game won. Tashard Choice was surprisingly effective. The defense was a god damn beast. They were ready to move to 9-4 and get back into the playoffs. But Romo was awful. And he lost the game. That was on him. I realize that the Steelers have a great defense and all, but his decision-making (like usual) was sub-par. And another thing, as bad as Big Ben was for 3 quarters yesterday, he has to be happy that he's done with the NFC East teams this year considering that they sacked him 25 times in 4 games. That o-line in Pittsburgh is beyond bad. My team may suck, but fuck the Cowboys in the ass.

Ugh...stupid Redskins. They always put me in such a sour mood. But it will all be forgiven as long as Antonio Bryant finds the end zone tonight to send G-Saul packing. Oh! Another thing, She-Money and I (as of today) have been together for 11 years now. We're still not married yet! If you've read this site long enough or know me, you realize how amazing this is. How in the bloody fuck can anyone stand being around me for over a decade? Boggles the mind really...

It's Go Time For The Wet Bandits

As you are all well aware, there is NOTHING really interesting going on in the sporting world. So, on this mail-in Friday, I'm going to talk about the G$FL Playoffs which start this week. Deal with it.

You may recall me bitching about fantasy football three weeks ago. Well, things change. The Wet Bandits (Home Alone reference, bitches) managed to win out and locked up the 5 seed in my league. I've got a tall order this weekend in my wild card matchup against hated commenter, G-Saul. Remember him? He was the asshole that started the whole "overrated" fiasco during guest post week in late August.

His lineup consists of:
Hairy Mole Brees
Andre Johnson, Lance Moore, and Roddy White
Thomas Jones, Addai, and Sammy Morris
Cooley, Elam, and the Titans D

How he didn't win the regular season title with that lineup proves how mediocre of an owner he truly is. OK, now I want some advice from you guys so I can advance to the next round and face the 1 seed..."Bills Defense".

I'm starting Aaron Rodgers at home against the Texans.
My stable of running backs has carried me all season (Portis, Forte, and Chris Johnson) and will remain in the fold.
Now please try to not laugh while I list my horseshit WR's (I have to start 3 of these 6 assholes and this is where your input is valued):
Antonio Bryant (@ CAR) - auto-start because he's playing on Monday
Braylon (@ TEN) - Dorsey + his awfulness + good defense
Ocho Cinco (@ IND)
Steve Breaston (STL)
Anthony Gonzalez (CIN)
Kevin "Kurgis" Curtis (@NYG)

And then at TE I need to choose between BIIIIIIG John Carlson and Dustin Keller. I'm set with Bironas and the Giants D. Right now, I'm leaning toward Bryant, Breaston, Ocho Cinco, and Keller but I'm listening if anyone feels differently. Dut, since you didn't make the postseason, there's room on my bandwagon.

So PLEASE, I beg you, give me some help as far as who I can start at WR and TE that can get me a win!!! Obviously, I'm an underdog here, but I've been resilient all season long and expect a victory. Thank you for your help and putting up with a post featuring nothing but me talking about my mediocre fantasy football team. I'll be back on Monday. If you made it this far, I'll reward you with Marisa Miller. I think that's fair. Anyone else in the mood for an i-pod?