Thursday, May 29, 2008

The Most Overrated Player In Baseball



He was supposed to be a 30/30 man. He was supposed to be the best lead-off hitter in the game. He was supposed to get better every year. He was supposed to be a main cog in bringing a championship to a city desperate for a title. He was supposed to win the MVP award this year per Peter Gammons. He was supposed---enough of that, Indians fans won't say it, but I will.

Grady Sizemore is the most overrated player in baseball and he is killing his team.

This may not be a national feeling, but since this blog resides in Ohio, this needs to be said. You NEVER hear anything bad about Sizemore. For some reason, he's untouchable. Is it because he is loved by gay bloggers? Or his section of overweight and smelly female fans? Who knows really, but I can tell you one thing...if you want to point fingers as to who's fault it is for the Tribe's extreme offensive ineptitude, it starts at the top of the lineup. It starts in centerfield. It starts with Dimples.

Leadoff hitters shouldn't be getting on base at a .379 clip. They should not be hitting .255. Hell, Johnny Damon has better numbers than that. Those are Tony Womack numbers! They shouldn't have 29 runs almost one third of the way through the season. They should not be averaging almost a strikeout per game. Now, I'm not saying that Sizemore needs to be like Willie Mays Hayes by beating the ball into the dirt and legging out infield singles. No, not at all. But he does need to start performing like the superstar that Indians fans want him to be. Because, over the last year and a half, he has been a flat out disappointment. Even during last year's playoff run, their leadoff hitter didn't have a very good year.

Now, I know what you're going to say, "Dickhead, you just hate the Indians and are still mad that they knocked out the Yankees last year." True and true. I'm not going to deny that. But that doesn't mean that I'm wrong. Hell, I was more than happy to draft Sizemore in my money fantasy league this year just because of his insane potential...and now I want to cut him for Barry Zito. Seriously, he doesn't do anything on the field exceptionally well.

He should be a better base stealer than what he's shown. His average is garbage. He should forget about jacking homers and focus on the gaps. His defense is pretty good and his arm is OK. The defense hasn't been a problem though. The Tribe doesn't need nightly web gems. They need to score runs to assist with their surprisingly stellar starting pitching. It's been the lack of baserunners that has killed this underachieving squad. And you have to place most of the blame on your lead-off hitter for that.

In conclusion, Indians fans can blame the corpse of Hafner or No Homer Victor or Dellucci or Casey Blake or whoever! But don't make Sizemore blame free...this is just as much his fault as it is anyone's. If not more.

Have a good weekend, look for me on Saturday at The Memorial.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Can Someone Shoot This Guy Already



There are many things in life that I don't understand: Why do shitty drivers get in the left lane? Why would a grown man ever put ketchup on a hot dog? Why are hillbillies enthralled by fireworks? And finally, why do people keep interviewing Pete Rose?

Pete Rose hasn't been relevant for over 2 decades yet Dan Patrick has no problem pulling him onto his dying radio show yesterday. Why??? What does Prince Valiant have to say now that offers any semblance of creative or progressive journalism? There is absolutely nothing that Rose could say that would have any credibility with baseball today or change the opinion that people have toward him.

Anyway, he went into greater depth with Dan about his gambling days. You remember, those games that he didn't admit to gambling on until 2004 when he was selling his tell-all book. He said, and I'm paraphrasing because I'm too lazy to cite SI's article, that he always bet two grand per game no matter what. It didn't matter who was pitching, he was putting two large on the Reds.

HOW IS THIS NEWS??? Unless you've been flipping through channels and saw Rose hocking autographs on QVC or been on the receiving end of a terrible haircut, I'm willing to bet that you hadn't thought about Pete Rose in years. This isn't going to change anything anyway. The guy is a bucket of Randy Quaid's shit...always has been and always will be. He isn't getting into the Hall of Fame either. Let's just forget about him already. Ignore him like we ignore Mark McGwire. Because for my money (pun intended), what Rose did was worse than what Tim Donaghy did. They both are a giant black mark on their sport but at least Donaghy is going to be giving up the mob. Rose has given us nothing.

Pete Rose is truly pathetic. He's been a piece of garbage for his entire life and his desperate attempts to get back into the spotlight aren't fooling anybody (considering I'm talking about it, I guess that I was fooled...but I wasn't!). But, damn, the man sure knows how to fill out a pair of Speedo's.

I knew that there was a reason behind me saving that photo.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Hump Day Hump



Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "eventhough this picture is awesome and they left the MAC a while ago, my hatred for Marshall will always remain strong" Edition.

***Can't we just carve him up and eat him already - I'm still waiting to meet anyone that does not enjoy a discussion about horse injuries. I've been scouring the globe for years...still haven't found one. Triple Crown hopeful, Big Brown, is having some hoof issues apparently and everyone is on the edge of their seats waiting to see how this one plays out. I'm as compassionate toward animals as the next carnivore, but I don't want them taking over my sports coverage. I wish Big Brown the best of luck regarding his Triple Crown bid and all, but after the Belmont, I couldn't care less if he ends up in a soup at some orphanage. Hell, throw his jockey through the grinder with him, I don't care.

***Maybe heckling Phil will keep me interested - The PGA is coming to town this weekend and, much like last year, this blogger will be in attendance on Saturday. I have to admit, The Memorial is a damn fine time. It sucks that Tiger isn't coming but at least we got great news that Ernie Els was making a last minute dash to central Ohio. What? Oh, that isn't cool and isn't even close to equaling the awesomeness of watching Tiger play? Thought so. I don't know how I'm going to get escorted off of the premises this year like I was last year, but I'll think of something. Whatever I do will likely involve physical harm toward Phil The Phony...that you can count on. Maybe I could sucker-punch Jack, too...my life is an open book.



***He doesn't look like a pothead at all and his profession discourages that practice - It was only a matter of time. We all knew it was coming. Joakim "Jo-No" Noah was arrested with pot this past weekend. Now he joins the list of 15,000+ pro basketball players that were caught with drugs. But it's not his fault. He was toking as a tribute to all of America's fine soldiers from over the years. You know, for Memorial Day. Oh wait, Noah has pretty much expressed his contempt for this country in the past. So I guess he's just a stoner that may or may not play hacky-sack. Oh yeah, good luck, Bulls! Having a team featuring potheads worked out so well for the late 90's Trailblazers. Now it appears that Michael Beasley just may be the better pick based solely on need. Because Randall Pink Floyd here is going to get his ass suspended.

***I guess that NOW is the time to make that change - I didn't get this from the start. The Reds started the season with Corey Patterson as their CF while their best prospect was sent to AAA. I guess after Patterson was hitting in the negatives while the young, verile stud was hitting over 1.000 in Louisville, the Jay Bruce Era begins in Cincy. It's about fucking time. Now if they can just kill off the Adam Dunn and Kenneth Griffey Era's, they might start to resemble a major league team again. The Reds are just a terrible organization when it comes down to it. The kid was ready to play LAST YEAR yet near the end of Spring Training, Dut Baker brings in his old buddy, C-Patt, for 3 million. It's no wonder that Wayne Krivsky got fired. He allowed Ol' Dutbox to influence him. At least Cincinnati still has the Bengals!!! FYI, this Bruce kid is going to mash.

***When you think about it, no one really would have minded - The genius of Mr. Wonderlic himself, Vince Young, was on display again this week. In some interview with some magazine that promotes things that black people like and white people fear, VY admitted that he was close to retiring after his rookie season in the NFL. His reasoning was that it was too complex and that he wasn't having fun anymore. Ummm, Vince, try sitting in a fucking cube for over 40 hours a week...that ain't fucking fun either. You're making millions of dollars to play football and I'll be choking on my student loan payments for years, get over it. But then again, my career completion percentage of zero is only a few points away from VY's so maybe we should switch places. There, I'm saying it, I will give up my blog for Vince Young's job. And it would make a lot of sense because Vince's QB play has often been compared to my blogging skills. We put in our effort, pretty much half-ass it, and at the end of the day, we rip off our employer.



***This is no surprise to me, they once employed Steve Phillips - The awful story du jour this week is the Mets trials and tribulations with manager Willie Randolph. We have Gary Carter campaigning to be the manager, and Willie talking about how race is an issue and Keith Hernandez throwing in his two cents...blah, blah, blah. Cut out all the outside, bullshit jargon about the Mets. Willie Randolph needs to be fired immediately. They are something like 4 games under .500 over the past year. Race doesn't play a part in that. He fucking sucks at his job, yet still has one. What is going on New York and their recent black coaches anyway? Isiah, HERM!, Willie...all should have been gone one game into their tenures. Just hire Mr. Met already and keep playing mediocre baseball. At least the Mets organization is still paying tribute to Mike Utley.

***George Lucas is a butt-fucking sonofabitch - I'm not going to ruin anything about the new Indiana Jones. Don't worry, George Lucas will do that for me. That movie sucked. Thanks for shoving Shia LeBouf down our throats, ass. I half expected to see fucking Jar Jar Binks pop his head into a scene near the end. God, I hate George Lucas. How can someone who was so awesome in the 70's and 80's, responsible for some of the greatest movies ever, be a complete fucktard now? You should still see the movie, don't get me wrong, because there are some good parts, but don't get your hopes up. If you only see one movie this summer, I wouldn't recommend it. That title would go to Prince Caspian. That film was fucking great. I don't care how big of a tool it makes me to say it, it was fucking good. Enough about movies, I've got to head out for a perfect airport pick-up (remember, it's Tuesday night when I type this and you still don't care).

See you tomorrow...I have no idea what I'm going to write about. Maybe Kobe will rape someone again, that would help me out a lot. Or I could drop a deuce in my cube's trash can and wait for the Mexicans to come empty it and then write about their reaction. Too many choices...

Monday, May 26, 2008

The Middle Finger: Annoying Fans



I have to admit, I'm not very angry at the world this week. And that should come as a huge surprise to those that know me. After all, Indiana Jones sucked, my allergies came back in full force, and I likely destroyed 30% of my liver over the holiday weekend. But that being said, I am happy. I am incredibly excited because for the first time since the 2003 ALCS, this blogger is heading back to Yankee Stadium. Yes, I'll be heading back to baseball Mecca on June 17th albeit for the last time. I love that place. I'm so pumped to be heading back eventhough it's just a quick 24 hour trip with back-to-back red eye flights. Doesn't matter. I'm three weeks away from saying goodbye to one of the most historic sporting venues of all time. And I couldn't be happier.

But, the show must go on here in the blogging world and since it's Tuesday, that means someone has to be on the receiving end of a Middle Finger. Well, how about I just give it to annoying baseball fans throughout the country. Today, I'm just going to tell you how to behave at baseball games so that, much like me, you will grow to hate the people that break these rules and you will finally be able to contribute to society. Let's go.

The Wave is for fags - Don't ever, no matter how drunk you are, take part in this abortion of an event. It's cliche, it's stupid, and it's almost always started by a group of 5-6 collar-popping frat boys. Don't be like that. Don't be those guys.

Choose your food wisely - This is a subtle thing that I always pick up on. You can judge the level of fanhood of the other people in your area by the food that they eat. Hot dog, any type of sausage, nachos, soft pretzel, and especially peanuts tells the world that you know the game. Popcorn, any type of a dessert food, cotton candy, anything chicken, and burgers is for the person who doesn't know the difference between a closer and a set-up man. If you want a fucking burger, go to a bar across the street. Any meat eaten at a ballgame goes in a hotdog bun. Popcorn is for the fucking movies.

Don't keep score - If you are under 80 years old, I shouldn't need to tell you this anyway.

Be a prick but don't be a prick - Look, when I have a few beers in me, my voice gets loud and the sailor mouth comes out in full force. If you and your family don't like it, then go to Hell. I paid for the ticket and I paid for the beer, that is my fucking space and I can do and say whatever I want to in said space. But, if they ask nicely, go ahead and tone it down for an inning or two. That being said, if you are lucky enough to catch a foul ball, give it to a little kid. It will make the kid's day and what the fuck are you going to do with a baseball anyway?

Don't try to have sex with little boys - Let me clarify that, if you are over the age of 10 and you bring a glove to the game, you are a pedophile. I don't know how many times I'm watching a game and some idiot in the stands is wearing a baseball glove. Be a fucking man. Even if you are lucky enough to have one hit in your direction, you look like a tool with your glove, fanny pack, and mojito. Look, you should always attempt to barehand it in that situation. Catch it, you're the hero of the section. Miss it and at least you tried and were man enough to risk the health of your hand for a ball off the bat of Henry Blanco. In summary, non-kids that bring a glove to a baseball game should be burned alive/be forced to be a season ticket holder for the Pittsburgh Pirates.

You aren't clever so just stop - Along the lines of not bringing a glove, the same can be said about bringing signs to a game. They're always stupid. Ooooooooh, it's a clever take on "WGN", you are so damn witty. And if it gets you on TV for two seconds, so what? Your life does not change at all. You still come here every day and read this blog with your pants around your ankles.



There. I hope I helped. Please, the next time that you are out at a game, help spread this message. Loudly rip on the glove-wearers and signholders. Kill the person eating a churro. Get as drunk as possible and ask your buddies if you should run onto the field. And for God's sake, DON'T PUT KETCHUP ON A HOT DOG.

So enjoy your Middle Finger, offenders of these rules. Considering that Yankees fans are the greatest and most knowledgeable fans in the world, I expect to not have to put up with any of this shit in 3 weeks. And now I leave you as I scour the internets in search of a Joba/Baseball Jesus jersey. Enjoy the 4 day work week.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

A Brand New Form Of Child Abuse



So I'm flipping through the channels the other night and stopped on STO's broadcast of another Indians loss, when I saw something that made me cringe more than a geriatric porno. In between innings, a commercial aired that shook me to the very core. Because, you know, there are many things that kids should fear these days with all the pedophiles running around trying to get into their tighty whities and whatnot. One thing that shouldn't be a concern for them is football. Well, you can forget about that. If you know a kid between the ages of 7 and 14 who plans on spending July 18-20 in North Olmsted, Ohio, you should immediately alert the authorities. Why, you ask?

The Old Spice Kellen Winslow Football Camp

You've got to be an extremely awful parent to send your son to this. Why not just take your son to a tattoo parlor and enlist him into our current President's military system while you're at it? It's not nearly as bad as wanting your kid to look up to "the soldier", it's much safer, and will result in a lot less crying.

Fortunately for us, I located a copy of day one's itinerary straight from the desk of Kellen Winslow, Jr.

9:30-9:45 - Stretching
9:45-10:00 - Instruction from camp instructors on how to scream at people
10:15-10:30 - More media relations, more focus on apologizing
10:30-11:00 - Selecting an agent and the art of holding out
11:00-11:30 - Motorcycle tricks
11:30-noon - Learn how to cheap shot an opponent when his back is turned
Noon-12:15 - A listing of good surgeons and rehab facilities
12:15-12:29 - Autographs and more wheelies
12:30 - Get these little fuckers out of my sight

Wow. I didn't think that Browns fans could get any dumber but you know damn well that that camp will be sold out. I feel for these kids, I really do. They have no idea what they're gettinginto and K2 will likely crush their little hopes and dreams of ever wanting to play football again. May God have mercy on the souls of these youngsters.

I'm out until Tuesday, enjoy the long ass weekend. UPDATE...fellow blogger and current assbutt, J-Beanie, hit a hole-in-one yesterday. Click here to read all about it.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Playing Matchmaker For Indiana Jones



I am pumped. If there is one franchise of movies that I love, it is the Indiana Jones trilogy. I'm not afraid to admit that I've spent countless hours on the couch over the past 2 weeks re-watching the trilogy on cable. Needless to say, as Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull opens today, I could not be more excited. From what I've read thus far, the critics haven't necessarily loved it, but they didn't hate it either. And that's a breath of fresh air considering that George Lucas has a tendency to fuck up a good thing as of late. The only thing that worries me at all is the infusion of Shia LeBouf (his name sounds like the name of a high end gay bar) into this film. But I don't even think that he could screw this up. My Jones-bone is ready to explode.

Anyway, one thing that I always wondered about Indy is why he never settled down. I mean, he's a pimp archaelogist, he's loaded, he's got a whip, his dad is Sean Connery; how has not one woman been able to tie him down yet? And that leads me to today's topic. We're going to examine Indy's filmed conquests and try to figure out what sabotaged the relationship and whether any of these women were, in fact, his soulmate. That's right, I'm playing matchmaker. By the way, if you've never seen the movies, a.) you're gay and b.) take today off because you aren't needed around these parts. We'll go in chronological order:



Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen)
Movie: Raiders of the Lost Ark
Occupation: Nepalese Tavern Owner
Pros: Self-reliant - hey, she owns a bar in the remote mountains of Nepal
Religious - she's been wearing that damn headpiece around her neck for years
Fun - she whipped that mountain man's ass in the drinking contest
Animal lover - she sure did befriend that traitorous monkey real quick
Bravery - I would've released all my bodily fluids in that snake pit, she took it in stride
Steady hand - even I was surprised that she was precise with that airplane machine gun
Caring - it was very sweet of Marion to help dress all of Indy's wounds and forgive him for falling asleep before coitus

Cons: Abrasive - she has quite the sailor's mouth
Violent Drunk - she shot a guy after winning that drinking contest
Ambiguous body - I'm not sure what to think really, the dark complexion and not very womanly features makes me feel that she was a little too post-op tranny
Scornful - she sure did hold onto that grudge against Indy for way too long
Insane - she spent half the movie parading around in a wedding dress
Easily spotted - she was captured by the Nazi's about 40 times
Two-faced - If you watch it again, I've noticed that she flirts with Sallah a bit too much, I think she wanted a little Egyptian in her
Summary: I like Marion. I enjoy her feistiness. But she seems like kind of a bitch and one of those chicks that would give you a safety word before heading to bed. I can see why she and Indy didn't work out.



Willie Scott (Kate Capshaw)
Movie:
Temple of Doom
Occupation: Shanghai Lounge Singer
Pros: Successful - I'm guessing that a singer in China makes decent money
Enormo Rack - check out the end of the movie when her shirt is wet...wow
Tasteful - I would have lost all respect for her had she eaten the chilled monkey brain
Confused - she wasn't the only one who had no idea what they were watching when Indy went into that weirdo cave with the crazy rituals
Inflammable - that one dude tried to throw her in that fire pit, but she would not burn
Quasi-friendly - I could never be friends with a sassy Asian kid, I applaud her for trying
Strong - when Indy cut the rope bridge, I know that I would have fallen into the croc-filled river
Compassionate - come on, she helped shut down a sweat shop

Cons: Annoying - hands down the most annoying human being of all time
Self-centered - she wanted a big diamond over helping getting Indy the antidote
Animal hater - dumping perfume on an elephant...for shame
Indian giver - asking for soup and then turning it down because there were a few eyeballs in it
Bitch - delayed helping Indy and Short Round just because of a few bugs
Tease - Indy offered an apple for sex...she turned him down!
Sassy - seemed indignant toward the British Army's arrival and rescue
Insulting - turned down the food at the Indian village eventhough the residents were starving
Repetitive - kept saying "fortune and glory" throughout the movie...very pointless
Whore - slept with director (she's married to Spielberg)
Summary: Willie fucking sucked. She was an annoying bitch who hurt Indy and Short Round more than she helped. But in the end, those mammaries help ease the pain of her shrill voice. But I could see Indy tiring of her constant nagging.



Elsa Schneider (Alison Doody)
Movie: Last Crusade
Occupation: Doctor of some sort
Pros: Smart - she's a doctor for chrissake
Sexy - that robe thing she was wearing in the hotel...nice for the 1930's
Tough - didn't mind walking in a rat-infested gas sewer in high heels
Skilled - knew how to drive a boat...recklessly but still
Still sexy - those weirdo tank goggles that she wore...kind of a turn-on
Perceptive - she could sense Indy's presence in the desert
Determined - she had to have that damn Grail...at any cost
Quiet - she threatened to scream when Indy was choking her, but thought against it

Cons: Nazi - she was a Nazi
Manipulative - that was one hell of a show she put on just to get a book; totally blind-sided Indy
Gross - she slept with a father and son and I'm pretty sure that she fucked that Donovan guy
Disloyal - said that she was loyal to the Grail, not the Swastika...someone tell Hitler immediately
Thief - she stole all of the Jones's notes just by using her vagina as a distraction
Poor Cup Chooser - just ask Walter Donovan, she should have known that that was not the cup of a carbondary
Murderer - she chose that cup on purpose, I bet
Idiot - Indy said not to take the Cup past the damn seal, you dumbass--Indy's earned the right for people to always listen to him
Summary: Elsa is definitely hot but I don't think that you could ever relax around her. In the back of your mind, you would have to always worry about her selling you out for her own personal gain. Good thing for Indy that she is still falling down that crevice near Alexandretta.



So did Indy and his "screw them and leave 'em" philsophy make sense? I think so. None of these chicks were perfect. They all had massive flaws. I mean, the guy could live the rest of his days running trains through his students with his dad and the sexy Egyptian shriner, Sallah. Believe me, he's going to beat Wilt Chamberlain's record since, after drinking from the Holy Grail, he's never going to die now. His goal should be to get laid in every country.

Indiana Jones is too much of a pimp to be saddled down by one woman. These broads knew what they were getting into when they tried to reign him in. This guy carries around a whip at all times and wears a fedora no matter what circumstance, he ain't going to the store to pick up diapers and milk. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

So, play on, Indy. I hope the 4th installment of this series finds you still using and abusing more and more women (preferrably more Nazi's eventhough the timetable would make it grossly inaccurate). I will lose a ton of respect for Indy if he nails the jagged and disgusting Cate Blanchett though. That being said, I can't wait to hit the theater this weekend.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The Hump Day Hump



Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "Old Skinner Family recipe for steamed hams" Edition.

***Frank Caliendo is going to have a turrrrible time not using this in his act - Sir Charles owed the Wynn Resort a small chunk of money this week when the casino made it public that Barkley failed to re-pay $400,000. Look, I love Charles. He's honest, refreshing, and hilarious. But the guy seems to have some serious issues with gambling. Now he says that he's going to quit...I don't believe that for one second. If he's thinking about quitting something, he should give up golf. Have you seen that swing? I've seen rotting hooker corpses swing a club better than that. But that's my problem. I shouldn't be taking dead nightwalkers onto the golf course anyway.

***Remember, they still have Larry Hughes - I have to admit, I like the half hour NBA lottery selection special. Even though the Cavs weren't involved, I still like it. It literally just ended and the big winner is the Chicago Bulls who were so shitty and unpleasant to watch this year that the sports Gods rewarded them with the #1 overall pick. Now the debate begins for them: Beasley or Rose. I'm thinking Rose here since he's from Chicago and Kirk Hinrich looks like a vampire that blows at basketball. Remember when I talked shit about how the Miami Heat should be ashamed for tanking? Well, fuck them, they may have gotten the two pick but they wanted the first. So suck on those nuts, Riley. I loved how Mike D'Antoni looked pissed when it was revealed that the Knicks would pick 6th...good stuff. The Bulls should be beating potential coaching candidates off with both hands now. But fear two things, Drew Gooden and Larry are still on the roster.

***Never trust a guy with two first names - You know, I think that Al Davis, Mike Brown, and Dan Snyder are the dumbest owners in football and Jerry Jones is a complete buttfucker--where was I--oh, Arthur Blank might be the worst of the bunch. Raise your hand if you would give a kid who's never played a down in the NFL 72 million dollars over 6 years. I'm waiting...no takers? Yeah, I thought so. Matt Ryan making 12 million per year tells me that Rex Grossman should be making 30 million per year. It will help pay his bar tab and planned parenthood visits at least. If I was a Falcons fan, I would have killed myself years ago. The embarrassments keep on rolling in for this once...umm, not really proud but they were around at least...franchise. I mean, they had Ray Guy fer chrissakes!!!



***Didn't he move into Del Boca Vista three years ago? - The worst defensive player in baseball history (may not be true) has officially called it quits. Mike Piazza has announced his retirement eventhough no one cares and I didn't know that he played the last few years anyway. In all honesty, he is a hall of famer and has to go down as the best 62nd round pick of all time. I always found it humorous that the gay rumors swirled around him like Bostonians at a douche bag convention. Needless to say that all the fans of the Mets are wiping tears out of their mustaches today. I wish Piazza the best of luck and hope he enjoys fornicating around Castro Street for the rest of his days. He's earned that right.

***He'll have more time to cockfight now - Professional instigator, Pedro Martinez, also announced that this year will likely be his last season. He must be overworked from the 6 innings that he's pitched over the past 3 seasons. Reports say that his dad has brain cancer and he wants to spend time with him. That's pretty damn noble of Pedro and I actually wish him all the best. Since he wasn't there for the death of his midget buddy, I suppose that spending time with his old man is the right thing to do. Throwing at people's heads and Mexican jheri curls will never be the same again.

***Wait a minute, I might actually watch this - Since the NBA is hellbent on giving us fans a finals matchup that no one wants to see, at least the NHL is doing something right. The Stanley Cup Finals features the league's best young team in Pittsburgh against the league's most popular (in the US at least) franchise with the Red Wings. As a novice hockey fan, this seems too good to be true. I will definitely be tuning into this. The Money Shot is putting it's support behind the Penguins. Both teams have white trash fanbases but I prefer it when any team from Detroit loses and loses miserably. That and a penguin is a nickname for a tuxedo while a red wing is another name for a chick on the rag. Disgusting.



***Wait a minute, I will never watch this even if they killed all the contestants - Most people would say that SpyGate is the worst story of all time. While I agree, charging hard up that list has to be the Bill Parcells/Jason Taylor feud. So what, Taylor spends his offseason dancing with Kristi Yamaguchi and fondling Tom Bergeron...who cares? And Parcells' ego trips are fucking ridiculous. This is his best defensive player by far yet he's alienating him from the team because he's not coming to OPTIONAL mini-camps? I think that Taylor's earned the right not to go. Parcells is a dickhead who's own sense of self-worth is clouding his judgment. I mean seriously, the guy has won as many playoff games in the past decade-plus as Terry Schaivo yet he thinks he's some genius. Well guess what, Tuna, you suck. And even if you stayed in Miami for ten years, they still aren't going to the playoffs anytime soon.

Well, that's it. Tomorrow, I'm taking a break from writing on sports. Yep, you heard me. If you're awesome like me, you love a certain movie franchise that is debuting their long awaited 4th installment tomorrow. We'll be talking about that. It will be sexy, I promise.

Monday, May 19, 2008

The Middle Finger: Kevin Garnett



I'm sure that I'm not the only one that is sick and tired of seeing those Gatorade Kevin Garnett commercials. You know which one that I'm talking about, the one where he's sweating green liquid somehow and there is classical music in the background. He's all intense and whatnot. It's pretty much just a tribute to how intense of a competitor KG is. And they're right, he is possessed on the court. He plays hard every game. But you know what, he's a great big phony. For all the emotion that he shows, it's all a fraud. He isn't a great teammate. He isn't a leader. He isn't a golden boy. And we all know that he's a loser on the court. He's an asshole and I'm going to tell you all why today on the morning of the Eastern Conference Finals where we'll see nothing but chest-pounding and posturing for the next week and a half before the Celtics get beaten.

This week's Middle Finger goes to Kevin Garnett.

I did some research! Yes, I am proud of myself for actually digging up some dirt. Let's start with one of his discretions from his youth. It isn't really fair because we all do stupid things when we are young and most of us change and become better people (Maurice Clarett is an exception). But, he once signed a 126 million dollar contract so fuck him. He's fair game. When KG was in grade school, he and some friends we're arrested for assaulting a white kid. And before someone defends this and makes excuses, he enrolled in some sort of an anger management program and moved to Chicago to get away from the drama. I'm calling this as a fact, that it did happen. What a good guy, starting a race war in school. Tremendous character and integrity!

But, let's move on KG's more mature years...after he entered the league and established himself as a superstar. It's no secret that he and Wally Szczerbiak, who at the time we're the two best players in Minnesota, did not get along at all. KG used to verbally berate Wally on the court during games. You know, what leaders usually do. Anyway, after a practice one day, Wally was in the training room getting some treatments when KG ran in and sucker-punched him in the jaw while Wally was on the trainer's table. Again, this is part of the Webster's definition of "leader".



And that's not all from his T-Wolves days. The year after he won the MVP trophy, KG was playing a pick-up game with some teammates when this happened.

Rick Rickert, a second round draft pick of the Minnesota Timberwolves, was apparently outplaying the team's mighty league MVP in a pickup game. The rookie's glory didn't last however, because Kevin Garnett unexpectedly landed a fist to the new guy's grill. Rick needed stitches to close a cut on his chin and had a chipped tooth. Nothing to joke about.

So, basically what this shows me, is that Kevin Garnett doesn't appreciate it when a rookie is busting his ass to make the team. Oh no, you make the MVP mad, and you're getting knocked out. That's one hell of a teammate right there. This also adds fuel to the fire to GM Glenn Taylor's claim that KG tanked it on purpose during his last season in Minnesota to help force a trade. Or as I like to call it, The Vince Carter. It all makes a bit more sense now and makes that claim much more plausible. When things don't go his way, he either pouts or wants to fight. If he looks bad, he's going to make the others around him look terrible. But the funny thing about those trade demands was that he only wanted to be traded to a handful of teams. He didn't mind shitting on all of Minnesota to try and get out, but he wanted to be selective as well??? Huh, I guess that beggars can be choosers.

But then he came to Boston. They started winning again. You heard all that pompous shit from Boston-area writers about how great of a guy he is and how hard he plays and how refreshing it is to see a Celtic play with that kind of intensity. Give me a fucking break. He's still the same shithead. But he's a front-running shithead now. Sure, everything is going well this year. NOW, he's a good teammate. But he'll do his normal. He'll get Doc Rivers fired. He'll slug Brian Scalabrine in a practice. Because he hasn't grown up at all. He's still the 7 foot baby that he's always been.

My last point regarding this might be the most public of his classiest moments. During game 4 of the Cavs Series, TNT aired a clip of him (I'm guessing unintentionally) looking up into the stands at The Q and calling the fans "fucking faggots". Not only is he a good guy, he's also politically correct, too! And I hope that he got his bigotry out of his system because if does the same thing in Detroit, he's liable to get shot. Hell, he's liable to get shot there anyway.

I'm trying not to make this sound like sour grapes since he helped oust my Cavs from the playoffs. I'm really trying to just convey the message that Kevin Garnett is not the media darling that ESPN and TNT and whoever else wants you to believe. He's a great player, there is no doubt about that. But he's got baggage that has been swept under the rug and I'm not sure why. If Stephon Marbury was punching two of his teammates, what would the media say about that? They'd have a freaking field day. Yet KG gets a free pass because he's "such an intense competitor". I mean, come on, he actually said that he would accept one of Bill Russell's championships if he never wins one of his own. Is that what superstar's are supposed to do? He's going to accept some guy's ring as his own? Well, I hope Russell, was serious because KG is never winning a title. He's Ken Griffey, Jr. He's Dan Marino. He's some hockey player that played a long time but never won anything. He's all talk and not enough substance.



Kevin Garnett is an asshole with a track record of alienating his teammates and his front office. Sure, it's all roses now in Boston. But he will show his true colors soon enough. You can count on it. Dickheads can only act like good people for so long (I have the same problem). So enjoy your Middle Finger, KG, I've instructed Rasheed to stick it down your throat tonight and for the rest of the series.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Putting The Series To Bed



Shit.

The 2007-08 season of my beloved Cleveland Cavaliers has officially ended. The Boston Celtics closed our shop down yesterday evening in a grinder of a 7th game. It was a pretty awful series that featured offensive ineptitude the likes of which have never been seen before. But game 7 lived up to the hype. And although the outcome did not work out the way that I wished, the drama was fantastic. Both teams actually played like they wanted to win and not hoping that the other would lose. Unfortunately, my prediction was just a little too accurate for my liking. From my post before the first round:

Celtics over Cavs in 7 - I hate saying this because of my general disdain for the city of Boston and my love of all things Cavaliers, but they aren't going to beat the Celtics. But, I think that this series will open the eyes of people everywhere (regarding the Celtics' glaring deficiencies like an incompetent coach).

So, as the title of today's post suggests, we are going to put the Eastern Conference Semifinals matchup between the Cavs and Celtics to bed today. I'll be talking about each team individually and then sum things up in a neat little package at the end as I am oh so accustomed to doing.

Cavaliers:
--LeBron was terrific in all aspects during game 7. Unfortunately, it took him too long in this series to figure out the defenses being thrown at him. I think that he needed to try and get his teammates more involved yesterday though.
--Delonte West can play. He played with a ton of guts and shut down the fluke of Rondo for 6 out of 7 games.
--Z's back to the basket game is just awful. He shouldn't be getting pushed around by Perkins.
--Ben Wallace, Joe Smith, and Andy all played hard but the flaws in their games are just titanic. But they didn't back down from Garnett and I respect that.
--I love Wally, but he wasn't ready to play in game 7. It's hard to justify him not getting traded this offseason. He needed to have a good finish to the series and he didn't.
--World's Greatest Shooter, Damon Jones, got waaaaaay too much burn in that game. If he isn't hitting 3's, he's about as worthless as it gets.
--I thought that Mike Brown did a good job...there, I said it.
--Injuries hurt this team all season long and you have to wonder if the game plays out differently if Titties Gibson has a good shoulder. My Lord, the injury bug just killed them this year.



Celtics:
--This team is not going to win a title this year or next year or the year after that. When you have 75% of your salary cap tied down to a guy who shows up for one game, a guy that does nothing on either end, or a star that defers in the 4th quarter, you're done...and you aren't a threat.
--On the same note, they're going to lose a home game eventually (it's happening in game 1 vs. Detroit), and then they are fucked. How can you be so poor on the road???
--Doc Rivers is a horrible coach. I realize that it worked out, but during crunch time he had both PJ Brown AND Eddie House on the court at the same time. He's a moron and when they get eliminated in a week and a half, he'll be an unemployed moron.
--Ray Allen is just a bad NBA player. I'm thinking that the C's need more than good free throw shooting out of him.
--KG once again sucked in the 4th. I don't know what it is about him, but for all the screaming and muffled cursing that he does, he really is a pussy. He has no balls. He's been in the league for 13 years now and he's still scared to take big shots.
--Paul Pierce was awesome. But as a Cavs fan, I could have done without the front-rim 3 in the first half and the soft-rim free throw near the end. That just pissed me off.
--PJ Brown scored 10 points...ugh. He lucked his way into rebounds of two AIR-BALLS and put them back in. We just didn't catch enough breaks yesterday.
--Eddie House and James Posey are still sacks of shit. Rajon Rondo is a very average point guard.

So what do I take from this series as a Cavs fan? Well, I knew that we probably weren't going to repeat as Eastern champs. All that I really wanted was to play like they were still the champs. If the Cavs were going to get beaten, make the other team earn it. And I think that they did. I'm proud of my team. The Celtics were pushed to the brink and caught a few breaks, but they earned the series victory. I'm not mad. I'm not bitter (well, not that bitter). The fact remains that the Cavs could have won 3 games in Boston and didn't have it in them to steal one. So it's over...and I'm sad.

What happens in the next few months is a mystery. I'm thinking that Dan Gilbert will sit down with Idiot Ferry and LeBron and discuss Mike Brown's future (I know that that sounds weird, but if we want him to stick around after 2010, he needs to have a say in this). They will also need to make decisions regarding whether they want this same team to come back or if they can package some of the 28+ million in expiring contracts to get another star. And holy shit, we actually have a first round draft pick this year so we should probably scout some kids for that. Either way, it will be an interesting offseason in Cleveland.

Back to the playoffs, I'm one of those guys that will never root for the team that knocked my team out. But it's a tough call now that the Celtics are playing against a team from Detroit. I can't root for the Pistons. I can't root for the Celtics either. So I guess I will be pulling for the Celtics to lose while at the same time not actually rooting for the Pistons. I'm not sure that this is a possible feat, but I'm going to give it a shot nonetheless.

And don't feel bad for me, my fan-dom continues onto the next sport. After all, the Yankees are doing well, right? Hello??? Jason Giambi's wearing a golden thong now? Sweet...

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Armageddon For Mike Brown

Let me say this first, I like Mike Brown. He's charismatic on the court. He's a class act. His playoff defensive schemes are top-notch. Losing to the Celtics in either 6 or 7 games is not an indictment of his poor coaching. No one thought that the Cavs would win this one anyway. But we have a problem here in Cleveland. You see, if the Cavs get bounced in this round, we are down to two seasons left before LeBron has the chance to leave and crush basketball in the state of Ohio forever. Like it or not, he's going to get shit-canned once the season ends (unless they get back to the Finals). LeBron isn't sticking around to play in Mike Brown's horribly awful offensive system. And the change needs to happen now. Wait another year with Coach Mike, you run the risk of Bron getting pissed. The players are there (don't listen to the experts, it isn't the players, it's the system in which they play) we just need a fresh start with our offense.

But, this point could all be moot if the Cavs win the next two games. So that's why The Money Shot is dedicating an entire post to Coach Mike Brown. Consider this a motivator, Coach, because you're going to need to coach your ass off the next two games. So to all my readers out there, enjoy Mike Brown Day.



HEY! Mr. Referee, get over here! I got my teeth cleaned today, see? No plaque. No tartar. No traces of the gum disease known as Gingivitis. What, you don't like? You're an anti-dentite.



My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like,
its better than yours, damn right its better than yours,
I can teach you, but I have to charge.
My hump, my hump...my lovely lady lumps.



Are you serious! Kevin's family left for the airport without him. His entire family? Even Buzz? And now the Wet Bandits are after him? And we're still not sure what's on that old guy with the shovel's agenda, right? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!



I need to explain something to you all. My defensive system can not be beaten. The only vulnerability it has is when a team features a center from the Virgin Islands, a guard from France, and a guard from somewhere in South America. That's it. And how many NBA teams can trot out a lineup like that??? There aren't any. There is no team in the league that can beat my defense.



Fellas, we're running Play #1. It's not hard. Bron, take the ball and hold onto it for 18 seconds. Now try to make a move 1 on 5. Come on, guys, it's the only play that I've installed! We should have this one down pat by now!



You have no idea how tasty this raspberry lip gloss is. My lips are so succulent right now. What? Oh, there's a timeout? Tell them to run Play #1 while I remoisten these bad boys. Wake me up when the game starts again.



Hey, hey you. Come over here. Dammit, I'm important and you need to help me out. Someone took my spit cup. You know, the cup that I spit in during every game. What? It's on the table behind me? Well, I'll be damned, that was the last place that I thought it would be. Thanks, Mr. Referee.



What's up, white bitches! I've got one ticket to the gun show for you. I also have no idea how to tell a shitty joke. But I can run a shitty offense. I've got three years of proof of that. I'm a little teapot, short and stout, ma-fucka!.



Yep, a loss tonight and my coaching throat in Cleveland will be officially cut. The pressure is on now. Not only would I be the reason that this team is sitting at home, but I will be playing a big part in the reason that The King will potentially leave. But I can do something about that. I've got to do something about that.

Coach Mike and the rest of the Cavs, Godspeed and good luck. I hope that when I come back to blogger on Sunday night, that I'm not writing your obituary. GO CAVALIERS!!!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

GMoney's List: Baseball



In case you are new here, I'm quite the pessimist. I hate more than I love for you idiots out there that don't understand big words. Anyway, we're going to be doing a sporadic mini-series here where I list the people that I hate. Novel idea, huh? Well, fuck you, start your own blog that rules.

This is going to be an awful lot like Schindler's List except that it won't be nearly as funny and have much more gratuitous dick shots. Today, I run off my list of baseball players that I loathe (Disclaimer, my Yankee bias is going to show here, deal with it. It's not like I'm going to be watching them in October this year so let me have my fun). It's a pretty extensive list even after I trimmed away the guys that I just dislike. Yes, I hate this many baseball players. I'm reserving myself to only one sentence per player to describe why I hate them. Because honestly, I could write a book on why I despise these guys. Let's get this started (in no particular order)...

Cal Ripken - He's just a great big phony who hurt his team by being selfish and was not deserving to be an almost unanimous hall of famer (go ahead and try to argue this with me).

Kenny Rogers - The Gambler acts like a moron on and off the field and has resulted to cheating.

The Giles Brothers - They've both sucked since Bud Selig took the juice out of baseball...coincidence???

Kevin Millar - My least favorite player ever; coined the dumbass phrase "Cowboy Up".

Justin Verlander - White Trash and proving this year that he's not an ace.

Omar Vizquel - I just laugh when people say that he's a hall of famer...no, he isn't and he always made routine plays look more difficult than they were.



Eric Byrnes - Look at me, I'm a punk-rocking baseball player; I listen to Avril Lavigne!!!

Gary Sheffield - The ultimate clubhouse cancer who enjoys running his mouth about his former teammates/coaches.

Arthur Rhodes - I didn't even know he was still in the league but my hatred still burns strong.

Curt Schilling - When you paint your sock red, you know that you suck balls...I'm sure that he'll show up today and comment again but I'll be quick to chase him away (he's also the worst blogger ever).

Luis Gonzalez - Game 7 of the 2001 World Series...nice rip.

Adam Kennedy - This guy, along with David Eckstein, looks like a dork who always tags along with bigger groups eventhough no one asked them to join.

Jason Varitek - The "Captain" has never been anything more than average and to give him that "C" is a fucking joke.

Darin Erstad - He looks like a shithead and he used to punt at Nebraska...easily hateable.

Eric Hinske - How this guy is still in the league with absolutely no skill at all is beyond me.

Dustin Pedroia - The face for the young wave of giant douche Red Sox players; I call him Goat Fucker.

Torii Hunter - I've always felt that he's the most overrated player in baseball; Web Gems don't make players great.

Frank Catalanotto - How is this scrub still in baseball, he looks like a gay pilot (I don't know what that means but I'm sticking with it).



Kevin Youkilis - Pushing Millar as my least favorite today, I find it funny that he thinks he's a tough guy (how tough are you on Yom Kippur, asshole).

Derek Lowe - You don't need to put an entire can of grease on your hair every time you pitch.

Gregg Zaun - Just one of those guys that's hung around the league for years that you know will write a tell-all book once he retires.

AJ Pierzynski - Do I even need to go into this? He's on everyone's list...including his parents'.

Andruw Jones - To me, this guy has always sucked and plays as if he doesn't really care.

John McDonald - A true grinder but looks like a guy that would size up his teammates in the shower.

Carlos Zambrano - The most immature player in baseball...it's called "bad breaks" and they are going to happen, deal with them.

Craig Counsell - He just looks like a giant penis; how is he still being paid to play at age 37 when he has never been decent?

Ronnie Belliard - If he can play, I know I can play; we have the same range in the field.

Jason Giambi - I've got 23+ million reasons why I hate this guy.

Paul Byrd - Byrd eats his and other people's boogers and has not admitted to taking HGH for professional gain...be a man, no one is buying the medical bullshit.



Pedro Martinez - I just don't know how anyone can like this guy; he's made a living out of head-hunting and hanging out with midgets.

Jhonny Peralta - Mr. Cheap Hit has hit about 3 balls hard in the last 2 seasons.

Jason Michaels - He looks more like a crappy professional wrestler than a baseball player; he will be night manager of a Denny's soon.

Grady Sizemore - Currently, an incredibly overrated "star" but in Ohio, no one will admit it. Guys named Grady should be running junkyards and not playing CF.

David Wright - Fucking pretty boy bitch.

Whew, that was long but I do feel better about myself. And in the end, that is the main goal of this blog...my self-esteem to rise to astronomical levels. Stay tuned in the coming weeks as I will be unleashing my anger at the football, basketball, and other sports players of the world. Did I leave anyone out or do you have someone that can go fuck themselves, let's talk in the comments.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Hump Day Hump



Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "Jim Zorn Boner" Edition. Why "Jim Zorn Boner", you ask? Because I was checking my statcounter account yesterday to see how people are finding my site and lo and behold, googling "Jim Zorn Boner" will get you here. And I like that. It's a good slogan for the team, too. Your 2008 Washington Redskins: Jim Zorn Boner. Because if you think about it, it works either way. If we're good, it's a man-crush and if we suck, it was a horrible hire. You see, boner can be a positive and negative. Whew, enough of that though.

***What type of dressing does he prefer on his tossed salad - A good lawyer (not Rusty Hardin) could likely get you off the hook on one count of perjury. But 14 counts? Seems like a very long shot. It's looking more and more like the home run king is going to be serving some hard time (welcome to Oz, bitch). Bonds will be in court on June 6 for some sort of preliminary shit that Roger Cossack will explain to us later. Good God, this is quite the positive press for baseball. The owner of the most sacred record in all of sports not only did hardcore drugs to attain it, but also lied about it to a grand jury...fourteen times. Isn't it hilarious that the Player's Union was calling bollocks on the league for no one signing this guy? He's going to be playing long toss with Ricky Vaughn shortly. Hopefully, Suzanne Dorn will stop by and hook Barry up with at least one conjugal. Mrs. Dorn is very underrated in the cougar department.

***This just goes to show that even the most boring story ever will not effect my love for the league - I am so fucking sick of hearing about Spygate. It is the most boring and pointless story of the year. Nothing was ever going to be done besides the fine and draft pick theft, but yet idiots like Peter King (commencement speaker at the shittiness known as Ohio U this year) kept writing about every damn week. Fuck Matt Walsh. Fuck Roger Goodell. Fuck Arlen Specter. Fuck Bill Belichick. Did I leave anyone out that wasted valuable Sportscenter time over the past few months? Yep, just one and he had nothing to do with this "Gate"...fuck Chad Johnson. I feel better. Now let's get back to what we all want to do anyway: stroking our Jim Zorn Boner.

***He may be unemployed, but he's doing better than Jim Kelly's kid - Ah, yes, the tasteless joke that put me on the map. I won't repeat it, but it's something that only the truly crass would enjoy. You remember Kevin Everett, right? The Bills special teamer that was paralyzed (by a guy who went to Akron) in week one last season and is back to walking again. That alone is a great story. Anyway, the Bills cut him yesterday so he could be eligible for some sort of injury package that will pay him, hopefully, enough money to help pay for all of his rehab. We wish you well, Kevin, but faking a spinal injury is kind of weak. I mean, there's got to be an easier way to admit that you don't want to live in Buffalo.



***XXX Moonshine apparently causes vertigo - This little nugget is just too funny. Close your eyes for a minute and try to picture this: a college hoops coach with a well-publicized and embarrassing DUI, getting off of an airplane and checking his voicemail, tripping over a cone on the tarmac, falling and hitting his head, and being ambulanced away. Well, if you're not already crying with laughter, picture Bob Huggins doing all of this! This is just too damn funny. Not as funny as his DUI video, but I would still like to see footage of this. To be honest, I'm surprised that the God awful state of West Virginia even has flying machines and an airport. I just assumed that drunk hillbillies would jump off the roof while wearing a cape with a belly full of PBR. That was my vision of a West Virginia pilot school. I learned something today. This pic of Huggy is easily one of the best of all time.

***Just because you wear a lovely mustache doesn't mean that your opinion matters - Goose Gossage, fresh off of his Hall of Fame nomination, is also joining the curmudgeon hall of fame as well. Goose had some harsh words for Joba Chamberlain this week. I guess he hates it when pitchers, or anyone in general, show emotion on the baseball field. I suppose he would prefer a game played between robots (the FOX robot perhaps?) incapable of showing any passion at all. OK, Goose, I'll play your game. If a pitcher gets a big out to end the inning, are you saying that he's not allowed to pump his fist? Fuck that, it's not showing anyone up. As long as they don't point at the hitters they just got out or start running their mouth toward the other team's dugout, then what the fuck is the problem? I'm sure that Gossage is just frustrated because those kids just won't get off his damn lawn. Guess what, no one cares what you think...it's not the 1970's anymore.

***I wish there was video of him rear-ending her - It happened this past weekend but that doesn't mean that it isn't funny still. Danica Patrick ran over some guy on pit road and the guy was knocked the fuck out. The video was priceless as the guy was just wandering around like an Alzheimer's patient while a damn car is flying into him. It was totally his fault. I'll even go out on a limb and say that he deserved it. But that doesn't mean that this blog won't stoop to the low level of "woman driver" jokes. Was Danica trying to apply makeup? Is she just a menstrual man hater? Was she sitting too close to the steering wheel? Was she giving some road head? Ah, nothing beats a few unfunny chauvanist jokes.



***Wow, The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels is looking fiiiiiiiiine - First of all, this is hands down the worst pic I've ever seen. I always thought that Annika was cute (not hot), but what an uggo. Nothing says "bang me" quite like a tasty man-back. She looks like the lesbian member of Degeneration-X. Anywho, I know you come here for my sexy opinions on the LPGA. Sorenstam is retiring after this season because of Brett Favre...seriously. She saw him on TV during his press conference (the retirement one, not that Vicodin addiction one) and decided that she no longer wanted to compete anymore. My question is why? She won the Massengill Open this past weekend at something like -56 yet she's giving up??? I don't particularly give a fuck and at least announcers will stop talking about how her and Tiger have a competition on who can win the most majors. That was about as annoying as Time Warner's "new" digital cable setup (it fucking sucks). Nobody fucks with my TV.

Alright, that's it. You probably aren't reading this now due to the uncontrollable vomiting caused by that last picture. I would say that I'm sorry, but I'm kind of a pecker. Cavaliers win tonight...

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Middle Finger: Red Wings Fans



The thing that makes sports great is the playoffs. It doesn't matter what sport it is, when the chance at a title is on the line, there is nothing more exciting. Many times, cities rally behind their team full throttle because they realize that this opportunity might not come again. They embrace it. Because like Jake Taylor said in Major League, for some of them, it's their last shot and for the others, it could be their only shot. Take a look at the Rockies last year for example. They turned a franchise that was 4th billing in the city of Denver into the month of "Rocktober". Corny, yes, but still pretty cool. It was nice to see. But not all cities back their teams when it comes to postseason glory. Hell, we have one city who's favorite team is in the conference finals yet no one is going to the games. And that's just pathetic. There is no excuse for NOT jumping on the bandwagon. Especially when your team is finally living up to the expectations placed upon it.

This week's Middle Finger goes to the hypocritical assholes known as Detroit Red Wings fans (yep, a hockey post!).

Let's give you the backstory for this one from the way that I understand it (I know that Drew will be along in a little bit to clarify anyway). This past weekend, the Red Wings hosted the Stars in the Western Conference finals. For a team that has underachieved in the playoffs like the Wings have over the past 5+ years, you would think that the fine citizens of Wayne County would be jacked. Well, think again. Neither game this past weekend sold out. So much for HockeyTown USA, right?



So what does this mean? Is one of the last bastions of American hockey mania dying? I'm not sure and I am in no way qualified to answer that (eventhough my penchant for watching Blue Jackets games and constantly muttering "these guys suck" would beg to differ). The only conclusion that I can deduce from this is that Red Wings fans are now morphing into Atlanta Braves fans and they don't even realize it. The Braves are so used to playing in October that the novelty of the event has worn off and people stay home as opposed to packing the stadium. In 2003, in the divisional series against the Cubs, annoying Chicagoans absolutely took over Turner Field. So is the same thing happening in MoTown? It's tough to say really, but I'd bet that Ted Turner chucking a few octopi out on the ice would get some asses back in the seats.

The funny thing about this is the excuse that Red Wings management is making. According to the Wings brass, who is responsible for the dwindling home attendance??? THE ECONOMY!!! That is such a bullshit cop-out excuse. And you want to know why, because the Tigers sold out for their weekend series with the Yankees going on at the same time and damn near reached capacity in the mid-week tilt against the Red Sox. Now I know what you're thinking, "well, it's the Sox and Yanks coming to town, of course we want to see them play". And that's all fine and good until you realize that not far away, the team that is the most beloved in the city is playing in the conference fucking finals. The region's economic struggles aren't an issue for the baseball team. Yet hockey, who you would think have more affluent fans anyway, can't pack a smaller venue. That doesn't make sense. It screams loss of interest, not lack of funds.

It really boggles the mind that Detroitians(?) aren't showing up for this team. We all know that for almost every area in the country, hockey is horrible. But that isn't the case in Detroit. So what does this say about Wings fans then? Well, for a group of fans that think that they are some of the best fans in the world, it shows how hypocritical that they truly are. Do you think you'd be able to walk up and get tickets for a playoff game at Fenway? A Lakers game? Any Canadian arena for hockey? Of course not, because they have true fans.



So enjoy your Middle Finger this week, Red Wings fans. As your punishment, you have to sit next to Ted Turner for an entire season of Atlanta Braves baseball and drink out of Justin Verlander's spitoon. Please, I beg you, start selling out The Joe. I don't want to hear Don Cherry call you out on Sportscenter again, you Detroit Rednecks. Unless you really want to be labeled as the NHL's version of the Braves?

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Bad Weekend For The O-Jay's



Let's get right into it today as the items are both erotic and juicy.

First up, a former friend of Orenthal James Simpson has written a book, that goes on stands this week, that mentions the subtleness of "OJ was high and admitted to killing his wife". Hmmmm, sounds like some information that could have been useful over a decade ago. This former friend of The Juice, Mark Gilbert, also says that he aided OJ by telling him to stop taking his arthritis medicine so that the leather glove would not fit his hand. Gilbert also helped Simpson launder much of the money he made off of memorabilia sales so that the Goldman's could not take it from him due to the wrongful death suit. So Gilbert wrote a book which implicates himself as a conspirator, an aider and abettor, and an embezzler...and this guy is not in jail how??? I know that I have some bright(?) legal minds that read this, tell me if this guy is in trouble.

Look, I'm all about sticking by friends when they're down on their luck but this is just a tad ridiculous. I mean, Gilbert did whatever it took to get OJ off on MURDERING HIS WIFE and some other dude but now things are different? To me, this seems like something that once you make that initial decisions, you take it to the grave with you. What can't be overlooked here is the medical knowledge of this likely idiot. I mean, how does a moron know that if a guy stops taking his meds that his hands will swell up? Get that guy into NASA or the CIA or something. That's pure genius. I also love that Gilbert KNEW that OJ killed these people yet didn't feel that their families deserved a penny from Simpson. Just priceless. OJ Simpson's life truly is the gift that just keeps on giving.

We all know that OJ did it. We don't need a book written by a guy with tax issues to change our minds. And even if this stuff is true, I prefer to think of OJ as Lieutenant Nordberg and not the knife-wielding, crappy golfer, murderer that he ended up becoming. And since America is such a great country, Juice can't be tried for the same crime twice...well done, America.

And then there's the other OJ. OJ Mayo, well, not really him anymore, but USC, is in big trouble. Reports from the weekend state that Mayo has been getting paid pretty much since he was old enough to walk. More specifically, an event promoter has been slipping cash and gifts to Mayo, on behalf of the agency that Mayo just signed with, since he's been at USC. Is anyone surprised by this? Don't forget that he got in trouble for accepting courtside seats from Colorado's favorite drunk driver, Carmelo Anthony. One, Mayo has about as checkered of a past as anyone (not like the other OJ though). Two, agents are slimeballs. And three, everyone knew that something like this was going to happen with Mayo anyway so why are we surprised. Tim Floyd danced with the devil with him and now he's going to get burned.

Here's the only rub I have on this: this came to light because one of OJ's inner circle members started singing to ESPN. The reason that Louis Johnson gives for being a narc is that he was being squeezed out of the circle. No, not because it was the right thing to do, but because he wasn't getting any piece of the action. Fuck this dude. You don't sell out your boy--your meal ticket--over this. You knew it was going on all along and stayed quiet. No wonder OJ pushed him away, he's a coward and a snake.

Was it right for Mayo to accept all of this stuff? Come on, we all know that it isn't. But it's part of the ugly underbelly of college athletics. This stuff happens everywhere and it's up to the people involved to stay quiet on it. Apparently, no one gave Louis Johnson that memo. Don't be naive. Every decent college athlete has done something illegal as far as NCAA rules go. Do you really think that Brady Quinn didn't wat a free steak in South Bend? Same with guys like Chris Paul or Tim Duncan or Reggie Bush (whoops).

And how about USC? With the Reggie Bush shit and now this coming to light, that school's athletic department could be in some serious shit. But it shouldn't be a one-way street. Why should the schools be the only one punished when these sleezebags are the ones that are breaking the rules? USC doesn't set out to find people to pay their athletes (I hope that's true). Yet everyone wants to pat these people on the backs when they admit to their own misgivings. Fuck that, send those cunts to jail and punish the takers. Don't punish the schools, they know nothing of this. Punish the athlete. They knew what they were doing and the risks involved...send their ass to prison or something. The school shouldn't be punished at all, they aren't babysitters.



Ugh, I'm getting all worked up about a couple of OJ's. I need to end this on a sexy note. So how about some vintage erotica? No, not any Traci Lords or Christy Canyon videos, we're going even sexier. Yep, enjoy this pic of Pete Rose doing what he does best...wearing a Speedo, sporting an awesome hairdo, and betting against his team. Welcome back to work, assholes, see you tomorrow. GO CAVS!!!

Friday, May 09, 2008

The Kei To My Heart



WELCOME BACK TO THE MAJORS, MR. KEI IGAWA!!!

(Note to self: put life savings on the Tigers tonight)
(Note to Tigers fans: put all food stamps and UNICEF pennies on Tigers tonight)

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Please Stop Embarrassing Yourselves



Game 2 of the Eastern Conference semifinals between the Celtics and Cavaliers is now in the books. Once again, the game was unwatchable. I realize that these are two of the better defensive teams in the league, but come on. It's almost a miracle if one of the teams can break 20 in a quarter. So today, I'm mailing one in. I'm just going to throw out some thoughts on this series after the first two snoozers. Hopefully, the remainder of the series will capture at least a bit of drama and intrigue.

--Hey, LeBron, you're playing like fucking shit. They're going to keep allowing you to shoot jumpers (like the Spurs did last year), it's up to you to make them. You are WIDE FUCKING OPEN and still clanging them all over the rim. Jesus. I don't mind seeing my boys lose when they aren't really supposed to win, but when our best player and the guy that we will always contend is the best player in the league is playing like this...damn.

--Big Z is playing like a mad man. He's not pretty (his game and his face) but he's been fantastic.

--I honestly thought that Ben Wallace was going to die when he collapsed on the bench. Dizziness? Really?

--The C's didn't give Boobie ANY open looks last night. Good defensive effort there.

--Anderson Varejao is the worst player in this series. It isn't even close.

--The only guy on the team shooting remotely (and that's a very weak remotely) well from outside is Wally. And even he isn't doing that great. But compared to his teammates, he's Kobe Bryant.

--Celtics fans chanting "overrated" at LeBron??? Nice try, bandwagon jumpers. Didn't you see what happened to the Wizards when they and their fans did the same thing? He's struggling now, do you really want him to make this personal???

--Game 2 was so bad that I turned it off in the middle of the 4th and started Survivor. By the way, how dumb is Erik??? Who gives away immunity and a guaranteed shot in the Final Four??? CBS put way too many idiots on this season. But I digress...

--I don't know why, but I despise James Posey. He's awkward. His shot looks terrible yet always goes in. His bi-colored mouthpiece makes him look like a retard. I hate him.

--Sam Cassell making jumpers make me want to vomit. Leon Powe outhustling Varejao and Joe Smith is embarrassing.

--Did we really expect the "Boston Three Party" AKA worst nickname ever, to struggle again??? The Cavs have to WIN these games because the Celtics aren't going to lose them.

--How about getting ONE fucking loose ball. The C's got all of them last night. Like I said, there is no shame losing in Boston, but when you get completely outclassed and outworked, that is unacceptable.

--Someone please wake up LeBron. Someone put a giant poster of Skip Bayless over his locker that says "I told you he's the queen" on it to get him focused and pissed off again.



--Mike Brown is fucking clueless when it comes to offense. I like him, he's charismatic and for some reason he has a spit cup on the bench, but this team will not win a title with him on the bench. We have to realize that. So to that I ask Mike D'Antoni not to sign anything until this season is over because there could/should be an opening in C-Town.

--Doc Rivers is a rotten coach as well. Not even Isiah could fuck up this team. And I hate it when they do the vignettes of his speeches where he basically says that the Cavs suck. I'm not refuting this, but that doesn't mean that I want to hear it.

--Again, LeBron, please get your head out of Hot Rod Williams' ass. Yes, he has sucked. But I hold out hope because of this: Bron scored 10 and 19 in the first 2 games against the Pistons last year. We won the next 4 games.

--Game 3 is obviously massive. Win and this series may go the distance. Lose, we're getting swept.

--In case they forget, the Cavaliers are the defending Eastern Conference champions. Play with the pride of a champion. If you're going to get beat and not repeat, make sure that the team that ousts you earns it. Right now, the Cavs aren't making the Celtics do that.

That's enough rambling. Rise Up, Cavs!!! Have a good weekend...Cooter Burger!

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Thursday Debate: The Worst Sons



We're going a bit of a different route here today. Yes, today is an open forum. In honor of Andy Reid's son, Garrett, who was sent to the state prison this week for sneaking prescription pills into county jail, we're bringing out the gavel. Yep, we're going to judge who the worst sons in the world are. We feel that we have a superb list of nominees who have all displayed their poor morals and bad decisions on multiple occasions. I've come up with my top 5 list and we will be hearing the case of each set separately. In the end, we will have only one winner; only one pair of siblings that dominate the field as far as being a family embarrassment.



So let's get started because I'm sure that this debate will go long into the night. Are you ready, Judge Mathis? He's ready. Let's go. First up:



Garrett and Britt Reid
For: Garrett Reid is already serving time in the county jail for a heroin-fueled car crash that injured a motorist and of course his recent arrest for prison drug smuggling. Britt Reid is in a county drug-court program after pleading guilty to separate drug and gun charges. The kids have had every advantage in the world due to their father's successes, yet preferred to piss it away on the mean streets of Philly.
Against: You know, you think that with all the stress that these kids have given to their parents, that their dad might lose a little bit of weight. But instead, Pops is tipping the scales at a near 550 pounds. I'm not sure I can take them seriously if their arrests aren't even making dad drop the fork.



Peyton, Eli, and Cooper Manning
For: They probably aren't bad people, but they are definitely insufferable. If they aren't winning Super Bowls or giving awkward facial expressions, they are clogging up your TV with awful commercials. I can take one Manning, but I can't take two. Thank God that Cooper was unable to play due to some disease or the three would have certainly taken over the NFL like some sort of bizarro Axis Powers. Don't be fooled, these guys are truly evil.
Against: Well, their dad loves them. How do we know? Because Big Combover is always mugging for the cameras whenever he's near his boys. I don't blame him for trying to stay in the spotlight. After all, he was never close to being a winner and has to experience that feeling through his grown-up sperm. But I do have a problem with that hair. It doubles as a nest for bald eagles. The recent Super Bowl wins make it hard for the Manning's to be the worst sons since Dad has finally accepted them as family members and not a second coming of himself.



Ray and Robert Barone
For: Come on, are you serious? I really need to explain this? I realize that they are fictitious, but that doesn't mean that they suck. Even in real life, these two guys suck something fierce. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Raymond is the worst TV show of all time. Do you know why Peter Boyle died? He sat at a table in between Ray and Robert and killed himself after a minute and a half of these two trading "jokes". These two are that unfunny. You want to do a good Brad Garrett impression? Try to talk like you think a dog would sound like if it could talk. That is Brad Garrett in a nutshell.
Against: There really is no redeeming quality for these two to not be the worst sons ever. Romano was funny on SNL as faux SportsCenter anchor, Chet Harper. Garrett is a Yankees fan. Since Billy Crystal is also in that same boat, I'm not giving him any credit for that. They say that bad things happen in three's...well now that Boyle passed, I'm still waiting on Garrett and Romano to follow. But then again, would that be a bad thing???



Erik and Lyle Menendez
For: Does it get any worse than killing your parents??? What a story this was back in the day. They initially were ruled out as suspects but were stupid and started blowing all of the life insurance money which just so happened to be a giant red flag to the authorities. It probably didn't help that Erik confessed to the crime to his therapist who reported him even after being threatened not to by Lyle. At the trial, their defense attorney claimed that the murder was justified due to years of sexual abuse. Yeah, it didn't work.
Against: If they didn't want to be abused, they shouldn't have looked so hot as youngsters. Roger Clemens has been there himself. Sometimes it's hard for adults to lay off of that teenage ass. I'm not a big fan of kid's killing their parents in the first place, but when they go see Batman at the theater right after shooting ma and pa, that's kind of dispiccable. We'll see what Judge Mathis decides on this one, but with the murder of their parents, Erik and Lyle are definitely in the running.



Skip and Rick Bayless
For: Skip Bayless is the biggest horse's ass associated with sports--check that, in the HISTORY of the world. I'm almost certain that this dandy-boy doesn't even watch games but just the highlights ten minutes before he goes on camera. He knows nothing about anything that he covers and bases all of his arguments on personal grudges. I hate him. I'd be willing to bet that his parents have long since killed themselves out of sheer embarrassment of Skippy and his lack of journalistic integrity.
Against: I'm sure Rick Bayless is a nice guy. He's a professional chef, which is cool. And I'm starting to get severely hooked on The Food Network, too. But, does Rick being a good person make up for his brother being a grouchy, old curmudgeon. Well, that's why the Judge is here. He's paid to make these tough decisions for me.

ALL RISE!!! Judge Mathis is ready to rule...

Verdict: I have weighed the positions of all parties and I must say, I am truly disgusted. Reid's, how can you treat your parents like that? You are a disappointment and an embarrassment to your family. Manning's, eh, you're OK but it's perfectly fine to actually turn down an endorsement once in awhile. Barone's, I'd rather 69 Judge Judy than watch one damn minute of your show. The fact that your jokes made Peter Boyle die can not go unpunished. Erik and Lyle, YOU KILLED YOUR PARENTS and almost got away with it. And Skip and Rick, we need both of your personalities to meet in the middle and maybe that will make Skip tolerable. But that's a big maybe. I've made my decision: The Worst Sons In The World are...

Erik and Lyle Menendez. For the 19th year in a row, the murdering brothers take home this title. For as bad as the other contenders are, you just can't deny shooting your parents with a shotgun. The reward for winning this prestigious award is to get those shotguns back out of the evidence locker and put Skip Bayless out of his misery. Congratulations, guys. Once you take care of Skip, the world will forgive you and you spend the rest of your lives dining on the nether regions of the Dahm triplets.

Well, that was fun. Did I forget anyone? I thought my five were either really deserving or really annoying. Let's debate, who are the worst sons in the world???