Monday, March 31, 2008

The Middle Finger: Jimmy Key



I know what you're thinking from the title, what the fuck? Please, allow me to explain. I believe I've earned that right after 399 amazing blogs (yes, this is #400). Anyway, with the baseball season beginning this week, I thought that I'd dip back into my personal archives of childhood memories and spew a ton of pent-up rage that has been building up inside of me for way too long. We're going back to a time when there was no eBay. The internet was just something that nerds used. You could even get into Canada without having your ass torn apart. That's right, the beautiful early 1990's. This cautionary tale of sports douchebaggery stars a young, aspiring blogger and his arch nemesis, former Yankee, Blue Jay, Oriole, and probable necrophiliac, Dickhead Jimmy Key.

Jimmy Key, you've been ducking me for somewhere around 15 years now, but today your uppance has finally come. I'm going to enjoy dishing out this week's Middle Finger. Out of all the "birds" that I've given out over the last year, no one has deserved it more than you.

A little background on this epic tale; back when I was growing up, the family used to plan little weekend getaways to semi-close major cities when the Yankees were going to be in town. Such places included Chicago, Baltimore, and for the setting of this story, Toronto. So we're up in Canada for a weekend series, enjoying our stay, and trying to take in the new SkyDome and all the strange intricacies that it offered. Today, it is considered pretty ordinary and I will never call it the Rogers Centre, but at the time, it was a wild experience. I mean a McDonald's inside a baseball stadium??? Insanity!



Anyway, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I was kind of a dynamo at getting autographs from the players during my youth. I guess it was my incredible 12 year old charm. Trust me, those that have never been to my boyhood home, there are autographed balls everywhere. Well, somehow on this trip, my dad had found out which hotel the Yankees were staying at (I'm still not sure how this information was obtained, it may or may not have had anything to do with Alvaro Espinoza. I'm not joking, he used to get my dad tickets while still keeping his awesome look). At this point in my autograph-seeking career, I had realized that trying to get the job done at the park was a disaster, yet the hotel market was wide open. Seriously, there was no one there. You could have your pick of the litter.

So after one of the games, we head back to their hotel and are hanging out in the lobby (like I said, this was the early 90's, you could do anything), when the players come strolling in. I was all over the place with my Sharpie, just kicking ass. I had one last target, who just so happened to be having the best season of his career, and he was waiting for the elevator...Jimmy Fucking Key. He was just standing there by himself, wearing a pair of cowboy boots I shit you not, and our conversation went something like this:

Little Money: Mr. Key, can I please have your autograph?
Dickhead McGee: No, get away from me, kid.

My life had officially changed. I was no longer the same wide-eyed kid that admired all professional athletes and would do anything to get a signature. A part of me died that day. But, like I said earlier, it comes to an end now. It's time to bury that chapter of my life. I will not let you hold me back any longer, Jimmy Key. You stole my innocence once, assfuck, but now I have the power. I have a blog! My story is now told. Fuck you, Jimmy Key. You really do suck.

How in the hell does a pro athlete turn down what amounts to be 2 seconds from a 12 year old kid? I can understand it if I was a 50 year old man with a big stack of photos and wanted him to sign all of them. But I only had a baseball, a marker, and respect. I wasn't asking him to be my best friend...I just wanted 8 fucking letters. You know, I never had this problem with known crazy people like Rickey Henderson, Juan Gonzalez, and Raffy Palmeiro, but Jimmy fucking Key gives me shit. What is his fucking excuse anyway? How many auction sites were out in 1993? Give me a fucking break, dick.

Now, I know what you're thinking, what is the fucking point of all this? Why have you been holding this in for all these years? What are you trying to say? And you know what, I'm not really certain. But one thing is for sure, Jimmy Key is an asshole. And one of these days, I'm going to break into his house and get my revenge on him. I'm going to drunkenly stumble into his room while he sleeps and give him my autograph. By autograph, of course I mean that I'm going to piss all over him...much like he did to a certain 12 year old kid way back when. Remember those weirdo snake-skin boots I told you that he was wearing on that fateful day? Well, when he's trying to come to grasps with why he is covered in my recycled Bud Light, I'm going to shove those boots up his ass sideways. Whew, come on Money, relax. Let's take this blog home before the FBI comes knocking on your door.



I'm curious, though, do my readers have any similar tales of athlete douchey-ness? While I don't consider this story to be on the same level as my battle with Mr. Perfect on the mean streets of Toledo, Ohio, this event needed to be shared. At least for me it did. It's been held in for too long. So, once again, FUCK YOU JIMMY KEY...enjoy your Middle Finger.

You know that you deserve much worse. Never disrespect a blogger. You are a chicken fucker, Jimmy Key.

Smarch Madness IV

For this Monday’s wonderful edition of Smarch Madness, I’m taking a bit of a different approach. You don’t really know this for sure, but I promise you that this will in no way be edited based on outcomes. I am doing this in 4 parts. Each one will be written on a different day, Friday morning through Monday morning, breaking down the previous night's games with predictions with what’s to come. We’ll see how it pans out.



Thursday:
--Well, it certainly started out looking like the X/WV game would be a blowout and the NC/Wazzu game would be a nail-biter. Not so fast my friend. The Cougars had a game plan and they executed it fairly well by slowing it down to a crawl, making Hansbrough play that rat feces, and limiting fast breaks. But this is what makes Carolina so scary. It didn’t matter, it didn’t even come close to mattering. The game was really never in doubt and proved that you have to bring a perfect game to beat the Heels.
--Xavier, on the other hand, should have freaking rolled up on the ‘Eers. You’ve got give it to Huggins and Crew though, they fought their asses off and should have won that game. I’ve been skeptical of both Joe Alexander and Josh Duncan all year, thinking that they were nice players (channeling my inner-Trev Alberts!), but not great clutch players. I was fucking wrong. I can forgive Alexander’s missed free throw because without him, they lose by 20. You just knew when he fouled in OT, even when WV went up 4, that they were going to lose. They had no one to go to. And how about the clutch shooting of BJ Raymond??? Amazing. I laughed everytime that they showed the replay of Raymond sticking that 3 with ice in his veins and running back down the floor with the homicidal maniac look. Classic.
--UCLA is living on the edge. Kevin Love is playing his ass off but it looks like his teammates are taking extended periods of time off during games. They can’t afford that against X or they will go home.
--And then there is Tennessee…my pseudo-favorite team in the tournament. They are out of the tournament for three reasons and three reasons only. One, they play with no composure at all and can be rattled at any moment and start throwing the ball all over the place. Two, they commit more dumbass fouls than a team comprised entirely of Drew Gooden’s. And three, Bruce Pearl’s decision to bench Ramar Smith and play JP Prince at the point was the worst move any coach made all year. Prince fucking sucks and was such an asset off the bench. When Pearl made him their starting PG, he became a turnover machine and no longer attacked the rim anymore. Thank you, Bruce Pearl, for breaking my bracket.

As far as predictions for tonight’s games: I like Davidson to keep it rolling somehow, Memphis to squeak by on another one of Drew Neitzel’s famous off nights, Texas to beat Stanford in basically a home game, and Kansas to roll Nova. We’ll see how it goes.



Friday:
--Well, I couldn’t have nailed my predictions any more with the exception of thinking that Sparty would actually compete. Let’s break down the action. I’m just going to throw the Texas and Kansas wins out the window as those two games were boring as fuck. Texas was just too quick for the Cardinal (maybe Trent Johnson should have gotten himself tossed again?) and Villanova isn’t good. I received a text at halftime of the Kansas/Nova game from Money Shot Detroit regional correspondent, Glick, that read “This is boring, I’m going to the bar.” I agree. At least you got to witness Cinderella moving on though.
--I think one thing that was painfully obvious last night was the Big Ten’s shortcomings. Yes, it is really easy to point out how lousy the conference is. But, really, it’s true. There aren’t a lot of athletes that can run, they insist on running plodding offensive sets and hope to play games in the 60’s. Which is exactly what happened to both Sparty and the Badgers (worst name for a band ever I think). Memphis silenced the critics, for now, but crushing State. Crushing might be putting it lightly. Neitzel was the a turd again and I’m glad he’s gone. And you knew that even though Wiscy was nailing three’s in the first half, it wasn’t going to last. That game was over at halftime. You can say whatever you want to try and defend yourself, Big Ten fan, but you embarrassed yourself on a national level again this year.
--And finally, I get to talk about America’s team coached by America’s grandpa…the Davidson Wildcats. This is great. For as bad as the games have been during the tourney this year, at least we still have a darling to pull for. And honestly, is there a better team to play against than Mr. Chicken Choker, Bill Self??? The comparisons will be made to this Davidson team about George Mason. While I can see some correlation due to the mid-major label, name me one player that played for the Patriots that year? See you, can’t do it. You will always remember Stephen Curry though. That was a complete domination effort last night.

Predictions for the Elite 8 games: One of the two one’s is going down tonight…I have a feeling (Can I borrow a feeling by Kirk Van Houten). We’ll go with UCLA over X in overtime and Louisville over Carolina. Tomorrow, since I might not get to this on Sunday before the games, give me Texas over Memphis due to free throw shooting and Kansas over Davidson (sigh) in a rout.



Saturday:
--Wow, I did not see that Bruin ass-whooping coming. They totally made X look like bitches. Kevin Love has officially turned into an unstoppable force inside and outside. If Ben Howland could ever figure out how to use his timeouts efficiently, I think everyone would be pleased. THAT was the Josh Duncan that I was used to seeing...the shitty one. Great season by the Muskies though now they just have to figure out how to keep their coach in Cincy.
--Carolina/'Ville was as good as advertised. And, ugh, I hate to say this due to my general hatred toward him, but Hansbrough was big time clutch. HAH-YUGE! I still don't understand why Pitino tried to press Ty Lawson. He isn't going to turn it over and it plays right into what the Heels want to do...get out on the break. And Damman, we discussed this last night but I want to embarrass you even further, there is no excuse and no amount of money potentially won to justify for openly rooting for Hansbrough. You screaming over the bar "PSYCHO T!!!" is just awful. Be ashamed. You should apologize to Dut for this.
--I watched the late game but at a weird angle seeing that I had to work the door at our favorite local establishment. Doorman is the best. Kicking stupid girls out that think I'm dumb enough not to read their ID, harrassing people about whether their ID's are fake, and my favorite, making people show 2 forms of ID even though I'm laughing my ass off inside. Good stuff. Oh, and I got paid and drank for free all night...that helped too.

Predictions - well, I already made mine for the games today so I'll say that I draw the 4th pick in my fantasy baseball draft today (I did pick 4th actually) and that the RedHawks hockey team beats BC today to advance to their first ever Frozen Four.



Sunday:
--Shame on us for not believing in Memphis. Holy shit do they look fantastic or what? Who needs free throws when you get out to gigantic leads and have the best athletes on the floor? You know you're good when you win a road game against a top 5 team and completely stifle them and their fans all game long. Calipari has his kids about as focused as humanly possible and you've got to think that they are a threat to cut the nets down next Monday night.
--Well, the ride is over. What a great two weeks that Stephen Curry and his Davidson teammates gave us. Unfortunately, you could tell down the stretch that the Wildcats were fatigued and the deep shots weren't falling. And that sucks because Bill Self was fully prepared to give us another one of his classic choke jobs that he is oh so famous for. What a lucky bastard by the way. Anyway, thank you Stephen Curry...that was a lot of fun.
--Damn RedHawks lost to Boston College in overtime about 10 minutes after Davidson's final shot was missed. It was a shitty ten minutes for me. But I'll tell you what, I really enjoyed watching some college hockey over the weekend. It's much more entertaining than the NHL.

So we get all four one seeds in the Final Four. Eh, I can live with that. It ensures us that this year's champ will definitely have earned it. Saturday night should be fantastic. And as far as who this blog is supporting, well, we're taking an ABTH approach...Anyone But Tyler Hansbrough.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

There's A New Leader In The Clubhouse


Thank you, SI.com for opening up your vault. This pic of Larry Bird has just moved ahead of the Rat pic as the worst picture of all time. I felt that you deserved to see it to get you motivated for the Elite 8. Enjoy.
Shhhhhh, Larry Legend is on the prowl.

Friday, March 28, 2008

The Money Shot's 2008 NL Preview



In honor of Opening Day firing up the 2008 baseball season for real this Sunday/Monday, we geniuses at The Money Shot have spent the past two days previewing the season for you. Yesterday, we looked at the AL in all of it's superior glory. That means that today is the NL's turn. While most of my loyal subjects are AL guys, I'm taking a lot more risks with my NL picks so stick around for a piece. Let's be honest though, the NL sucks and it's almost worthless. No one wants to watch a pitcher hit. No one wants to see bunts. No one wants to see Bobby Cox. It's a boring brand of entertainment. The National League is the Turd Ferguson of baseball...and that is not a compliment eventhough it may sound as such.

Anyway, Steve Phillips is back to help me out with my predictions. He appears to be ready eventhough he just dumped a bowl of cereal on his head, so let's get started.



NL East:
1. Mets - Oh shit, Steve's going to be all over this one. Anyway, after last year's mammoth awesome choke-job collapse, the Mets traded a handful of shitty minor leaguers for the best pitcher in baseball. Yeah, that was a pretty good trade and the Mets entire fan base of refrigerator repairmen and guys/gals with mustaches have to be ecstatic. The choke ain't happ'nin this year unless Reyes, Wright, Beltran, Johan, and Damion Easley all get hurt (one of those was a joke). Steve, lay it on me?
--METS BASEBALL!!! I used to work there!!! Todd Pratt!!! This is the greatest franchise ever!!! My goatee!!! Mets!!! A penis sundae!!! Todd Pratt again!!! I look up to Mike Greenberg!!! METS!!!
2. Braves - Shouldn't Bobby Cox be retired by now? He doesn't look like he has any fun and looks like he's one more missed call away from a stroke. I kind of like the Bravos this year with their above average pitching and getting rid of the wildly overrated Andruw Jones. Can Rafael Soriano close or will Bob Wickman come back and eat him? Got any opinion on the Braves?
--I'm not allowed to cross the street alone. Will you please hold my hand?
3. Phillies - Yeah, yeah, they won it last year. But you have to remember that Philly is a city of losers and cheesesteaks. They've got a good lineup but other than Hamels and maybe Brett Myers' spousal abuse, how do they get people out? I mean, Brad Lidge still sucks, right? Stevester, you've got to like the Phillies offense, no?
--Not really. I would trade Howard, Utley, and Rollins straight up for Mike Piazza right now. Done deal. Let's get this thing ironed out. Mike Piazza is the greatest player ever and he and I are bestest friends.
4. Nationals - I know that they are moving into a new stadium. I know they traded for Lastings Milledge this year. I know they have Ryan Zimmerman and Austin Kearns. That's about it. Is Chad Cordero still the straight-brimmed closer? Steve, any help on the Nats?
--For years now, Keith Hernandez and Walt Frazier have been hounding me to try Just For Men. You know what, I'm content with my prematurely gray hair. Give it a dry combover and you've got one sexy package.
5. Marlins - The poster child for how to not run a franchise. They should be embarrassed with themselves even though they got the better of the trade with the Tigers (I'm serious). I don't even think that Steve Phillips would agree with their ways of doing business. I like the name Dan Uggla. Stevey, you got anything to add about Florida?
--I love Florida. My grandma lives there. One time, we went to Disney World and I got my picture taken with Mickey and Goofy. It was the best day of my life. It was last month.



NL Central:
1. Reds - Ding, ding, ding!!! That's right, I'm going out on a limb here. As the once sane Rune used to say, "In Dusty We Trusty". I just have a feeling here that they will be OK this year. I like the pitching with Harang, Arroyo, and stud Johnny Cueto. They finally got a closer with Cordero. The offense will be fine as long as they let stud prospect Jay Bruce play. I don't know, I just have a feeling.
--Whoa, G$, stop. You couldn't be more wrong here even if your name was Steve Phillips. The Reds suck. They have for the last 20 years. Hell, even MY METS! beat them in a playoff game. You are crazy.
Maybe Steve has a point here.
2. Cubs - They definitely are the most talented team in the division. But they have a century of losing to improve upon so I don't see two division titles in a row happening. The pitching staff isn't nearly as good as they threw last year. Putting Kerry Wood as your closer is about as crazy as thinking that spreading peanut butter on your wrist will get you high. The real wild card here is Japanese sensation, Fuck you, do me. Steve, do you like the Cubs in the Central?
--(talking with his hands)The thing about the Chicago Cubs is that they are from Chicago...and that isn't too far away from my boyhood home in MICHIGAN!!!
3. Brewers - Prince Fielder has gone vegetarian (much like me for Lent but forever for him). I don't like that one bit. The over/under on Ben Sheets' number of starts is 7.5. They had their chance last year. Steve, opinions on Milwaukee?
--I'll tell you what, Laverne and Shirley is a great show. I love that Squiggy character. "Hello Laverne"...always cracks me up!!! (Steve sings entire theme song)
4. Cardinals - Have you seen this pitching staff??? Luckily, they will do no worse than 4th because they play in the worst division in sports...even worse than the NFC West. Hopefully, Tony LaRussa won't inspire any of his players to drink and drive this season...too soon?
--That was horribly insensitive, G$. As retribution, go get me my blank-y and put on my Dora the Explorer DVD. She would have made a terrific Met.
5. Astros - This team has no feel. They have potentially good pieces with Berkman, Tejada, Pence, and Oswalt. And then pretty much nothing else. At least Craig Biggio is finally gone. Steve, do you have any idea what the Astros are doing?
--They've prepared to lose a lot this year is what they did. You know how I know? Because it's exactly the same strategy I employed in New York before being publicly flogged. It's beautiful in a way. John Kruk is also beautiful but not nearly as much as Orestes Destrade.
6. Pirates - There might not be a more depressed baseball fan than those of the Pirates. For God's sake, the last time that they were good, their hopes and dreams were destroyed by Sid Bream's speed. Trading for Matt Morris and signing BK Kim has to touch many nerves. Steve-O, how do you fix the Pirates?
--You hire a guy like Steve Phillips is what you shoul do. I walk into that front office and immediately start stroking my goatee which commands a ton of respect. You don't mess with a guy who has facial hair...we're tough and we're smart and we're----(sorry, Steve is barking at a squirrel in the backyard).



NL West:
1. Dodgers - This really is a toss-up division, I'll go with the manager that makes the playoffs every year, Papa Joe. The rotation will need a lot of help from Penny, Billingsley, and Lowe...and hopefully Jason Schmidt can come back. And besides a slight lack of power, they are pretty solid around the diamond. Steve, you think the Dodgers can win the West?
--I think I just swallowed a nickel. I can't wait to poop it out. Don't throw my diaper away before I see what it looks like, ok?
2. Diamondbacks - They need to find some way to score. The starting rotation may be the best in baseball and they have major questions at closer (it ain't going to be Brandon Lyon). I like Justin Upton to have a similar breakout season that his brother enjoyed last year. Steve, how much would you love to have Webb and Haren at the front of your staff?
--Pffft, those guys blow. Give me Al Leiter and Mike Hampton anyday. You do realize that they got to throw to MIKE PIAZZA, right? Mets!
3. Rockies - Everything fell their way last year, it won't this year. They'll be OK, but the pitching staff just isn't very good. Now that they lost Kaz Matsui to the Astros (who is currently out with anal fissures, I shit you not)...I really have nothing else to say about that, just wanted to add that unsavory little nugget. Phillips, has the Rockies magic run out?
--You clearly have no clue. I was talking to Rockies manager Don Baylor last week and he was saying how Dante Bichette and Andres Galarraga have never been in better shape. I expect big things from the Rockies this season.
4. Padres -San Diego has a good pitching staff which will keep them in games. But their lineup is freaking awful. Brian Giles? Jim Edmonds? A white guy named Khalil? No thanks. Steve, I bet you like the Padres chances this year, don't you?
--Oh, I love their chances. They only have to play the Mets a handful of times so they lucked out there. Padre means father in English!
5. Giants - This is a bad team. Really bad. They don't want to bring Barry back but find no problems in dishing out almost 200 million dollars to Barry Zito and Aaron Rowand. Brian Sabean might be a worse GM than Steve Phillips. Steve, any final thoughts on the NL West?
--I want to go swimming. Can you help me get my water wings on? Watch me do a cannonball!!!

For the playoffs, I like the Mets to be the one seed and to beat the wild card D-backs in 4 games. I like the Dodgers to knock off the Reds in 5. In the NLCS, I'll take the Mets over the Dodgers in an epic 7 gamer. As far as the World Series goes, I'll take the Yankees over the Mets in 6. As a non-homer, I'll take the Mets over the Mariners in 7.

NL MVP - Jose Reyes
ROY - Johnny Cueto or Jay Bruce, pick a Red
Manager - Dut Baker
NL CY - Chad Billingsley (it's too easy to pick Santana and I'm a homer anyway)
AL CY - Felix Hernandez (I forgot to include this yesterday)

Well, there you go. That's the way The Money Shot sees the season unfolding. We like the favorites for the most part but also expect big seasons from the Mariners and Reds. Enjoy Opening Day. I'd like to thank Steve Phillips for taking time out of his busy schedule of being retarded to help out here the last two days. I'll be back on Monday with some Smarch Madness. Enjoy the weekend.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Money Shot's 2008 AL Preview



We're going to split this up into a two day affair. Today, you get my thoughts on the upcoming American League season. Obviously, tomorrow then you will be receiving my prediction on the AL's retarded brother, the National League. Much like last year when I brought former Indians manager, Lou Brown, in to help with my previews, this year I'm enlisting the help of someone a lot less awesome. Yes, joining me for the next two days will be none other than former Mets GM and current ESPN talking-head, Steve Phillips. Steve's ready so let's get down to the predictions. And remember, if you don't like these, new Yankees manager, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, will take your ass to court. When it comes to 2008 baseball, he is not just a simple caveman, he understands our ways. Let's roll, let the blasting commence...



AL EAST:

1. Yankees - Yeah, like this pick is fooling anyone, there is a ton of bias here. But I like the direction in which this team is headed. With new skipper Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer Girardi, the Yanks should be playing more station-to-station baseball. I like it. The young guns are a bit of a question mark, but they've thrown well all Spring so we'll see. Steve, what are your thoughts on the Yankees?
--I hate them. I have never said one good thing about this franchise ever. I carry my personal biases around still and let them seep out on the air. The Mets rule! The Yankees drool!
2. Red Sox - Yes, they won it all last year in a World Series that no one watched. But they are already breaking down in the rotation and I expect a step backwards this season. Kevin Youkilis is now my least favorite player in baseball since Curt Schilling is on the shelf and Kevin Millar has been killed (not true but should be). Thoughts on the Sox chances to repeat, Steve-O?
--I just tied my own shoes. Loop, swoop, and pull.
3. Blue Jays - I've picked them to finish ahead of the Red Sox every season for the last 3 years and they continue to disappoint. Fuck 'em. They have an intriguing lineup with Rios, Wells, Rolen, Big Hurt, etc. And you always have a chance with Professional Hitter Matt Stairs in the mix. BJ Ryan's uncertainty and AJ Burnett's wild inconsistencies will hamper them again. Steve, do the Jays have a chance to contend?
--I didn't draft anyone on their current 25 man roster so you better believe that they have a chance! Last year, Gary Thorne bought me a Happy Meal at the SkyDome McDonald's...I lost my toy though.
4. Rays - I would pick them over the Jays if they weren't such pussies and took the Devil out of their name. It will be interesting to see if Troy Percival's corpse can solidify the closer position. They have the talent to compete but they will be mediocre like all young teams are and finish with 75 wins tops. Steve, you've got to like what the Rays are doing with all that youth, right?
--My mom still makes me sit in a car seat and she's sleeping with a gay named Ray...I like him a lot. He bought me a milkshake last week.
5. Orioles - Ladies and gentleman, your frontrunner for worst team in baseball!!! They have some decent young players (Adam Jones) but their opening day starter is some guy named Jeremy Guthrie and their closer's name is George Sherrill. You would think that this team was run by Al Davis...well, Peter Angelos isn't that far off. Steve, the O's look like a team that you would approve of, seeing that you were a God awful GM, am I right or what?
--Oh, I love what they are doing in Baltimore. Giving money to crappy free agents and not investing into the farm system is a practice that I once perfected. It also helps when your owner has no vision at all. This is a great franchise.



AL Central:
1. Tigers - I went back and forth on this one actually. The Tigers will score a ton of runs and the starting rotation is pretty solid, but they also have no one in the pen that has shown any consistency at all. They will probably lead the league in longest games since the pen will be blowing leads left and right and the final scores will be 11-10 or 12-9. Even though he sucks, Todd Jones awesome facial hair puts them over the top. Steve, what do you like about the Tigers?
--EVERYTHING!!! As you can probably tell from my interviews, I make a point to let everyone know that I'm from Michigan!!! The Tigers rule!!! I am not biased at all but the Detroit Tigers are my second favorite team ever. Detroit!!! Yeah!!! Mets!!!
2. Indians - I'm going to get killed over this one, I already know it. Here's the thing, when you are a team that should have won the AL last year but just missed out, you should probably do something, ANYTHING, to improve yourself in the offseason to try and get over that hump. You can't just sit back and say, "oh, our young guys will all get a little better". Be proactive! Also, and the Tigers found this out last year, there's a big difference between being the hunter and the hunted. Sorry, Tribe fans, you get no October baseball this year. Steventud, what's your opinion on Grady Sizemore?
--Those lips are so succulent...I want to become friends with them. Editor's sidebar here - Is Sizemore black??? His hair is kind of nappy, does anyone know for sure?
3. White Sox - This will be the year that Ozzie Guillen's head explodes. Too much youth, not enough patience. I do think Josh Fields is a budding star. It's a damn shame that their rotation is garbage. Hey Phillips, can the White Sox contend?
--I sit down when I pee. I love it. I've tried to stand up when I poop...I am a complete and utter failure.
4. Twins - I honestly believe that the Twins might be the worst run franchise in baseball. I just can't understand what they are thinking. You let Santana walk for 15 cents on the dollar and then give a closer that you won't be needing much from over the next few years a 3 year extension??? Give me a break, enjoy the new stadium and the few people that show up to watch you play. I do think that Delmon Young is going to have a HUGE season this year though. But that is contingent on him not throwing bats at umpires. Stevey, what do you think about the way that the Twins do business?
--You know, I've often thought about that. But then my mind drifts over to the question about why anyone would employ me as an expert and that takes me away from what I was previously thinking about. It's a vicious cycle, much like the album by my favorite comedian, Dane Cook.
5. Royals - Poor Royals fans. You want a winner again and all you get in return is Gil Meche and Jose Guillen. At least you still have...hmmmm...sweltering summer heat? Jason Whitlock? Herm Edwards? Wow, Kansas Citians should be investing in cyanide. Steve, it could be said that the Royals are to baseball as you are to general managing, what do you think about that?
--I need an adult! I need an adult!



AL West:
1. Mariners - I love the Mariners this year which likely means that they will win 70 games. But that being said, Bedard and King Felix are the best young one-two in baseball (sorry Tribe fans). You throw Ichiro in there with the halfway decent power threats in the middle and a good bullpen and you have a recipe for success. They need to get someone in the lineup over Brad Wilkerson who has been the worst player in baseball for the past 4 years. You like the Mariners this year, Steve?
--I like the Mets to win the AL West. Did I mention that I used to run that team into the ground?
2. Angels - I'm tired of these guys already. They bore me. A bunch of hit and run guys with very little power outside of Vlad. Torii Hunter is wildly overrated. John Lackey and his ugliest player in the game title is out for awhile. Scot Shields will likely pitch in all 162 games. I don't know, I think the M's are better. Steve, I bet you liked Angels in the Outfield?
--Are you kidding me, Danny Glover made me cry and I still have Tony Danza's autograph over my heart. I also enjoy old episodes of Touched By An Angel. I also enjoy it when Criss Angel touching my special regions.
3. A's - At 1-1, this is likely the closest they will be to a winning season all year. These guys are going to blow. Even if Dick Hardon stays healthy, they will struggle all year. It's time to take Eric Chavez back behind the woodshed and put him out of his misery. Huston Street is going to blow a lot of saves this year. Steve, what do you think of the A's and their likely suckiness?
--I want to go to a petting zoo and feed the horsies! I promise that I won't fellate any.
4. Rangers - I love the pairing of crackhead Josh Hamilton and should be a crackhead Milton Bradley with crackhead manager Ron Washington. These guys suck and it's not just a clever name. Is Sammy Sosa still on the Rangers? Steve? Steve? STEVE?
--Steve is taking a nap right now. Be quiet, don't wake him, he did too much thinking this morning and we need to revive him for tomorrow. But then, after Friday's post, we can go ahead and barbecue him.


How it shakes out in the postseason: The Tigers get the one seed and beat the Red Sox (wild card) in 4. The Yankees beat the Mariners in 5. In the ALCS, the Yankees beat the Tigers in 6 (to avoid a 3rd start from White Trash Verlander) to advance to the World Series. FYI, people that call the World Series "The Fall Classic" should be publicly caned. As a non-homer pick, I really like the Mariners...if the Yankees don't get there, you heard it here first that it will be Ichiro in the Series.

MVP - Ichiro
Rookie of the Year - no idea, Ian Kennedy??? Maybe Adam Jones or Henry Rowengardner
Manager - that guy in Seattle...some Irish fuck

Well there you go, those are my AL predictions for this upcoming season. Feel free to flame away. I'm sure the Indians fans will be stopping by often today displaying their hate. Steve the Retard and I will be back tomorrow to discuss the NL.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The Hump Day Hump



Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "Only Chris Berman would wear a sweater to the beach while dishing out a Mike Utley tribute" Edition.

***The funniest thing out of Canada since Dave Coulier - I hope you all saw that video of Patrick Roy's kid kicking the shit out of everything that moved in a Junior Hockey game. I'm still laughing just thinking about it. The fact that he broke free from a referee's grip, skated down the ice to absolutely murder the opposing goalie that wanted no piece of him anyway, sucker-punched another kid on his way off the ice, AND topped it all off with a double middle finger to the crowd...sheer brilliance. I first saw this while working out at the gym and almost fell down I was laughing so hard. Kids today are great. And I must give props to Roy's teammate for tackling the ref that tried to break up the goalie on goalie violence. A big sandy vagina to the opposing goalie who put up no fight whatsoever and curled up like a fetus while Roy whaled on him. Man, I really need to see that footage again. Hey, NHL, this is how you get people back to caring about your sport. More Little Roy and less hockey below the Mason/Dixon line.

***He's called his last timeout - News out of Oakland that shocks no one, Chris Webber is walking away from the league after a highly unsuccessful handful of games with the Warriors. Did anyone really think that he could still play anyway? Let alone with the fastest team in the league? Chris, I will always remember your crappy defense, your soft nature, your gimpy running style, hell, even your ability to get away with lying under oath. Job well done, sir, and don't be afraid to tip your garbage man tomorrow. Of course, your garbage man is Jimmy King.

***A better fit than spit and penetration - Ugh, that was a disgusting analogy, even for me. Anyway, the Dallas Mexicans are strongly considering making a move to bring in Pacman Jones. You know what, they deserve each other. Pacman is a truly objectionable waste of talent/skin. The city of Dallas was made out Jerry Jones shedded skin (get it, he's a snake and he's 4000 years old and he sucks horse cock). God, I hate the Cowboys. I hate Ed Werder. I hate Tony Romo. The Dallas area gentleman's clubs are already hiring more security just in preparation for Pacman shooting current bouncers in the spine and getting away with it.



***It still has to be better than the dreadful The DaVinci Code - Next week, Jose Canseco will be releasing his second book, Vindicated. Come on, just go away already. Word is that he is dropping dirt on Clemens, Maggs, and A-Rod. I find the latter two hilarious since he tried to blackmail Ordonez by offering to leave his name out of the book if Maggs invested in some movie project. The A-Rod crap is great because he never played with him and has even said that he never saw him do anything. He just introduced him to a guy that he bought roids from. You know what, I'm sure I've met quite a few drug dealers in my day and didn't know they were at the time, does that make me a crackhead??? Thanks, Jose, for reminding us yet again that you are an idiot. Oh, and Jose hates A-Rod because apparently Alex was trying to bang his then wife...fantastic. I guess he isn't gay after all, haters!

***He's going to look like one of those big fat twins that ride the motorcycles - This is old but I thought I'd touch on it anyway since yesterday was "Opening Day". What are the Tigers thinking exactly? Yes, Miggy Cabrera is a good young player, but he isn't 19 mill per year good. And the fact that he's put on 45 pounds every offseason doesn't make this look like a very sound investment. Is there a weight clause in his contract? Drew, you know any of the details about this contract? In 8 years, Miggy is likely going to resemble David Wells...if he was tied to a clone of David Wells. By the way, my baseball preview is coming at'cha tomorrow with special guest...STEVE PHILLIPS!!!

***One week later, he's still an asshole - Even after my pleading to be a professional last Wednesday, Chad Johnson has proven to the world that he doesn't read this blog/can't read. Ocho Cinco has been a no-show at Bengals facilities this week for some "voluntary" workouts that are mandatory but you aren't allowed to call them that. Honestly, this guy is a shining beacon for why racism still exists in this country. Grow up, please. The Bengals should just stand pat and keep him...fuck him. Chris Henry is a better teammate than 85. That backup punter who stabbed the starter at a Division II college is a better teammate than 85.

***My Grandma is somewhat hilarious - After work tonight, I drove down to the hospital to visit my grandma who had surgery last weekend (don't worry, she's fine, she's going home tomorrow). Anyway, my uncle flew into town from Boston and Fiance Money Shot were all in there as well. We're watching Jeopardy, making small talk, and whatnot when some guy comes in with a guitar. He asks if we want to hear some music. I didn't want to at all, but this guy likely volunteers his time to help sick people feel better so, whatever, I can handle a few christian songs on the guitar. He starts up with a crappy rendition of Amazing Grace followed by a 5 minute story about the origins of the song. It was not interesting. I couldn't help myself, as soon as he started singing the second song, I thought about pulling a Belushi in Animal House; it was terrible. He then gave us a 7 minute explanation about the second song's roots. I was, yet again, not interested. Then this fella asked my grandmother if she'd like to hear one more song and her plucky reply was "No, that's OK, I'm good". Hilarious!!! If it hadn't been for that junior hockey video, this would have been the funniest exchange I'd seen all week. Oh man, that guy was stunned...fantastic. Like I said before, I'm not going to hammer the guy for doing charity work, but it was the right time for him to leave the room...I just didn't think my grandma had it in her. Well played.

Back tomorrow with your gay lover, Steve Phillips, and some MLB preview...

Monday, March 24, 2008

The Middle Finger: Chicago Bulls



In case you have forgotten, there is more hoops being played right now than just the college brand. Yes, the NBA is still around even though no one is watching (honestly, I haven't been watching either). Now although we attacked the Miami Heat two weeks ago to the day for just flat out giving up and being the definition of "quitter", today we throw on our matador uniform and take on a true piece of shit. You could make the case that this group of guys still try maybe once or twice a week, but you definitely don't want your kids idolizing them. They have pretty much been a carbon copy for being the most thuggish and selfish team in the league this season (yes, even worse than the Knicks). Today, we're going to explain why they suck balls on and off the court.

This week's Middle Finger goes to the once proud Chicago Bulls and their band of vagabonds.

Let's just remember that before the season, many of the so-called experts had them in the FINALS this year (including me) yet now they are losing their way into the 8 seed in the grotesquely awful Eastern Conference.

But let's talk about these classy individuals for a minute or two. Seriously, has any team ever had this many self-imposed player suspensions? It's one-a-freaking week now. Bulls fans can almost look at a calendar, see that it's Saturday, and expect to hear a report on ESPN Radio 1000 about which player is being forced to stay at home without pay that night. Way to be a professional. And of course, now we know that professional-douchebag-wannabe-Manu Ginobili-annoying-flopper guy, Andres Nocioni, is the most recent piss-pants baby.

After playing about three minutes in the second quarter of Saturday night's game against the Pacers before being lifted, Nocioni yelled at head coach and clearly a strong disciplinarian Jim Boylan, who then sent him to the locker room. Ummm, Nocioni blows. He should be thankful that he got in at all. He plays less than Larry Hughes does but apparently he feels entitled to bitch about his minutes. I don't know why, but when I read about this, it got me thinking of my 8th grade basketball career when my boy Rune showed up halfway through a tournament game. The convo went something like this:
Coach: Where were you?
Rune: Saturday School!

Damn near blew the roof off the gym...great stuff. I really should just dedicate this blog to middle school hoops. Anyway, where was I, oh yeah, a team worse than my 8th grade basketball team.

Rookie Joakim "Jo-No" Noah, who has moved into a starter's role after the Wallace trade, was suspended for two games in January after a verbal outburst at assistant coach Ron Adams in practice. It was initially a one-game suspension, but his Bulls teammates voted to extend it for an extra game. Yep, the one guy that actually wants to go out and win every game gets bitch-slapped for showing emotion. Now this is a team that you can really get behind! The chances are pretty good that every single reader of mine hates Noah, and I can see why you would, but the guy busts his ass on every possession. The league would be a lot better if everyone played that hard and had that strong of a will to just get a W. Cliff Livingston must be rolling over in his grave (NOTE - Livingston may or may not be dead). WHAT TIME IS IT!?!?!?

Tyrus Thomas, apparently unhappy with his playing time, was suspended by the team for two games after skipping practice earlier this month. What the hell is this shit? These prima donnas don't play hard anyway when they're on the floor (and I've got a crappy record to prove that) yet gripe about sitting. Isn't that what they want? Ugh.

Chris Duhon missed a March 9 shootaround after being spotted the night before in Durham, N.C., at the North Carolina-Duke game. Duhon was benched for one game and inactive for another and fined. His playing time had been reduced since Larry Hughes' arrival (that's the NBA's way of telling you that should get your real estate license soon) and he angered Bulls officials with a comment that "I haven't been playing a lot anyway" after missing the shootaround. It's hard to lump Duhon in with the others though, we have no idea how strong the power of The Devil Rat is and his tractor beam is always bringing his decent players back to Durham for some oral satisfaction. For you idiots out there, I'm saying that Coach K and his former players are all lovers on The River Styx.

I said this two week's ago and it still rings true right now, this is exactly why people will never come back to the NBA. The bad apples ruin it for all the good guys in the league. You can have as many Tim Duncan's, LeBron's, Chris Paul's, etc., but you can always point to the Knicks disaster, the Heat quitting, and the Bulls having a team full of bitches as what defines the NBA. As great as this season has been, it will always have the shadow of bad decisions/sportsmanship/Tim Donaghy hanging over it. And it's unfortunate.



Thank you, Chicago Bulls. Your general disarray and complete lack of integrity is something that we can all be proud of. So enjoy this week's Middle Finger...you all suck anyway, perhaps next year you can show up to training camp with some backbone and desire to win/entertain ON the court. Maybe then I won't embarrass myself with some wild preseason prediction.



Hey, Rat!!! What's your opinion on the current state of the Bulls? No comment, huh?



***This picture is still ranked #1 as Worst Picture Ever.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Smarch Madness III



Wow, this has certainly been a fun weekend. The games have been great, I return back to Columbus from the boyhood home with more trips to the bathroom in me than functioning brain cells, and yet somehow, my bracket still remains solid. Why? Because I only had hopes for one shitty team (which we will get to later). So why not get started penning my thoughts on the opening weekend of the NCAA Tournament? I'm just going to go through the regions and give some quick hitters regarding what I've noticed/liked/hated/Tim Brando'ed.

EAST:
--Since I was at my parent's house this weekend, I was at the mercy of only having access to one game at a time. Thank you, CBS, for giving NORTHWEST OHIO the Carolina/Mount Saint Mary's game and sticking with it more than halfway through the second half. And eventhough I hate Tyler Hansbrough with the fire of the million gay man march, the Heels look incredible.
--Indiana should be embarrassed for the way they folded after the Sampson debacle. There was too much talent there to get pounded like that. If there is one positive thing about this it is that Dan Dakich will never coach Division I hoops again.
--Apparently it was not a abherration. I was a little nervous with Notre Dame's offense in the George Mason game since they normally score about 150/game. Maybe Washington State is pretty good (I picked them to beat ND for reasons that I still don't know). For all of you that bought into Notre Dame, remember one thing...teams that are unbeatable at home are usually very average on the road. You should have saw that coming.
--I think everyone had St. Joe's beating Oklahoma. We're all stupid. The A-10 was obviously a garbage conference outside of X.
--Butler/Tennessee was beyond fantastic. I was really hoping that we would have a Lofton/Graves clutch shot-a-thon down the stretch. Either way, I was not disappointed. It's too bad that one of the teams had to lose. I'm just glad that my national champs runner-up was the team that won.
--Ricky Pitino is just TCB right now...taking care of business.

MIDWEST:
--I'm starting to like Brandon Rush's monster fade hairstyle. I really hate Sasha Kahn looking like a moron all the time.
--Nice job, Kent State. 10 points in the first half??? Way to represent the MAC. To be fair, the Flashes were a good team, they just showed no composure in the first half. And I have 17 turnovers to back that up.
--Hey morons that bought into Clemson, are you done being stupid now? They weren't very good. They turn it over too much and shoot poorly from the charity stripe. You should never, ever buy into an Oliver Purnell coached team.
--I picked Siena. I am the Bobby "The Brain" Heenan of upset picks. However, come on NCAA, you only have one early game yesterday and you punish the fans with a Nova/Siena snoozer??? Why not put the Butler/Tennessee game on instead and give the nation what they really wanted?
--Fuck Tim Floyd in his smelly goat ass. I knew that "USC/Elite 8" pick was in trouble when everyone else was saying that. And I take back what I said about OJ Mayo being the best player in the country. He will likely cost me a place in my pool and I can not tolerate that.
--You really have to give props to Wisconsin. They don't do anything great, but they do everything well. Kansas State and their terrible coach had no chance of winning that game. The Badgers are too fundamentally strong. And speaking of which, is there an animal mascot more terrifying than Bucky Badger??? That thing is scary as hell.

--I picked Davidson to win their first two games...damn right. If you don't love Stephen Curry (or his awesomely named father Dell), than you should just register as a sex offender now. The Gonzaga/Davidson game is currently #1 on my "most fun to watch game of the tournament" list.
--Those that bought into Georgetown (fuck you, Jemele Hill!!!) are just not very smart. Why would you put your faith in a team that can't score? They have no shooters yet I was supposed to believe that they were going to make a run. As we saw from the sexy Curry, one stud getting hot can beat them. We've seen that all year. Good luck in the Association, Dr. Julius Hibbert.

SOUTH:
--Dear Memphis, you have a great shot to cut down the nets in San Antonio if you can make any free throws at all. 47% does not fucking cut it. That is a stupid pun.
--Congratulations, Mississippi State!!! No, not your team, I couldn't care less about them. Your win in round 1 was the first time in recorded history that I have successfully predicted the winner of an 8/9 game! I consider it a success that I went 1-3 in those games this year.
--This is why I hate Michigan State. They drift aimlessly through the season, taking games off, and then they come out like a freaking blitzkrieg in the Dance. Sorry, Bobby Knight's Insights, looks like your pick of Pitt to the Finals was about as successful as your run at Texas Tech. I still hate Drew Neitzel. Be afraid of the Spartans, though, Calipari...
--Give it up to Marquette for being involved in two of the best games of the tourney. I was impressed with their effort since I always thought they were soft and had mediocre guard play.
--I really like Stanford's ugly twins and extremely ugly coach. You've got to respect a coach that gets tossed in the tournament...in the first half no less. The Lopez Twins are beasts. They can not be stopped for the full 40 minutes. The Cardinal are a team that you need to get a big lead on in the first half because if they get up and can just feed their two-headed monster in the post, you are done.
--Was there one person that picked Miami (FLA!!!) to win a game? I watch a lot of hoops and I never saw them play all season.
--Why, oh why, did I put so much faith in the retarded genius of Rick Barnes this year??? The fact that the 'Horns almost choked one away yesterday scares me.

WEST (where all the fun is):
--I was surprised that A&M beat BYU. Not because of the on-court talent, but because BYU has the hottest cheerleaders of all time. A&M has a good squadron, too, but they ain't no mormon broads.
--Thanks, UCLA, for giving me a near heart attack Saturday night. They showed good resolve to get back into the game after being down 10, but they should have won that by 20. Everything has already been said about Kevin Love, and it's all true. The kid is a stud. Josh Shipp needs to start hitting some jumpers if the prophecy is fulfilled and my pick to win it all comes to fruition (I am the current owner of a streak that has predicted 5 of the last 6 winners).
--Tough luck for Drake. That was an entertaining-ass (I just made that up!) game. The Hilltoppers continue to dance in spite of the Mexican trashness of Orlando Mendez-Valdez. Wow, he needs a mirror. Back to the WKU/Drake game, Tim Brando is the worst announcer ever. After Josh Young made a three to get the Bulldogs closer, he yelled "ONLY THE YOUNG SURVIVE!!!" What the fuck does that even mean? Can someone help me on this? By the way, we aren't done with Brando yet.
--Nice job, Jim Calhoun. San Diego is NOT a very good team yet your boys made them look like the '96 Bulls. This is part 2 of the Tim Brando is an idiot segment. When San Diego took the lead late in the 2nd half and UConn called timeout, right before the break, our favorite screamed, "THEY AIN'T CARMEN SAN DIEGO!!!" Go away, Tim Brando, your material sucks. Oh yeah, back to UConn, Jim Calhoun is racist against white people...at least that is what I'm told.
--Purdue is going to be fantastic...next year. They have a great coach, great young talent that isn't going anywhere, and a ton of heart. Good season for the Boilermakers even though I have no idea what "Boiler Up" means.
--Speaking of teams with heart and composure, Xavier looks great. They took the best shots from Purdue and Georgia and still had enough resolve to persevere. If you're looking for a team that can beat UCLA, these guys are it. And if IU is looking for their next head coach, look at Sean Miller.
--Fuck Duke. It shouldn't matter what your bracket will look like if they lose, you should always want to see the Evil Rat lose. Belmont couldn't do it but you knew damn well that Chuggy Bear would. YOU DON'T WIN TOURNEY GAMES BEYOND THE ARCH!!! Joe Alexander and Mazzula should be charged with rape because they sodmized the piss out of the Blue Devils. A rape/Duke joke...you better believe it.

As far as my bracket goes, I've got 6 of my Elite 8 teams left (damn USC and Pitt) and all of my Final Four...we'll see how it goes. But, as a true fan of the sport, I'd rather see great games than root for my bracket any day. I recommend you do it, too. See you tomorrow for some Middle Finger-y goodness.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Hump Day Hump



Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "You're damn right that today is my last day of work this week...and I even came in early" Edition.

***Houston, we have a problem - First of all, how witty am I for using that line on you! A NASA joke! Amazing! Anywho, the Rockets had their 22 game winning streak ended at the hands of the hated Celtics last night. You have to give them credit, they aren't very good, lost their best player for the season, and feature professional choker T-Mac on their squadron. I applaud the insane efforts. I just wish those green and white dirty butts weren't the ones that brought the streak to a halt. I'm sure that all 12 of their real fans are ecstatic. You know, because Bostonians only support clubs that are good. Oh right, stay on topic, the Rockets aren't going to win a playoff series again this year.

***Is this the first time that anyone named Glenn insulted another human being? - Since we were just talking about the Celtics, we might as well touch on Kevin Garnett. T-Wolves front office crazy person, Glenn Taylor, told the media yesterday that Garnett "tanked" it last season. Wow. I applaud your move sir. The only problem is that now KG will likely play even harder than ever and that's not good for the rest of the league. But does Taylor make a good argument? Probably, the Wolves were awful last year and I'm sure that KG was trying to force himself out of there in some ways. I love it when idiots start shooting off at the mouth about qualified and credited pro,s, it's like if I were to mock Peter King's writing...hmmm, Glenn Taylor and I are one in the same. And how dare KG posterize my boy, Arvydas Sabonis!!!

***Does anyone really like this guy? - First things first, I used to like him. I thought that he was funny, I thought that he cared about winning. Not anymore, FUCK CHAD JOHNSON. What is this asshole's deal anyway? He pops up everywhere spewing trash on the Bengals (strong candidate for worst organization ever). He tries to seek trades through the media. Rumor has it that he punched Marvin Lewis in the face during his only playoff game. And now he is saying that he is "uncertain if he will be in Cincy" next year. Ummm, I'm no fancy big city lawyer, but I believe he is under contract to be in the Nasti next season. Why, oh why, do the Bengals still put up with his shit anyway? Honestly, they would be better off trading him for a 4th round pick just to clean the garbage out of the locker room. I am almost certain, not uncertain like Ocho Cinco, that Chad Johnson will never be on a team that wins a playoff game. Hall of Famer my ass. He'll be picking up trash in ten years.

***The Yankees are classier than your team - Pretty good stuff out of Blacksburg, VA yesterday with the Yankees coming into VT to pay tribute to those who suffered in that bizarre shooting and played the Hokies in baseball. Even Big Stein got into the mix by donating a million dollars. Good for your crazy ass! I only wonder, did Big Stein demand that Cotton Eyed Joe or YMCA be played immediately after the moment of silence? But seriously, good for the Yankees for trying to help out, even if it was a meaningless baseball game. We outside of that area have already forgotten about the tragic events of that day but that community has to live it every single day. It also doesn't help ease their pain that the Red Sox have named that shithead gunman their Opening Day starter in Japan this season. You see, I have no class either.

***Hey, that happened to me once - I am doing a March Madness free post today, and this is about college hoops but not the Dance so I think that we're OK here. The Florida Gators were practicing for their upcoming NIT game against a team that will surely beat them when Billy Donovan had seen enough. That's right, he straight booted them off the court. That reminds me of my ballin' years when this dynamo 8th grade PG got our team kicked out of practice by our awesome, yet booger-eating, coach. I still think that I was right in the situation that will not be discussed because it isn't really funny. But nevertheless, everyone on the team loved it that we got out of practice early (without having to run sprints!!) and they all chipped in and purchased me the finest Vietnamese prostitute that Napoleon, Ohio had to offer. Which just so happens to be a middle-aged white guy named Dougie but that's another story. Long story short, getting kicked out of practice is a good thing. We were OK that year as a scrappy middle school franchise, the Gators will be OK, too.

***You've got respect a guy who thinks that Happy Gilmore was real - You know what, fuck you, you're getting an NHL blurb today. I don't know much (but I know I love you--Aaron Neville, yeah!!!) about the NHL in general, but I know that Chris Pronger was a star in this league at some point in his career. That's whay I found it funny that he has been suspended for a handful of games for stomping on an opponent's leg with his skate. First of all, Jesus!, he should be charged with attempted murder. That would hurt like hell. Secondly, you would think that the entire league would have learned from the Richard Zednik "there's blood everywhere" incident that a sharp skate can do serious damage. If Pronger really wants to stab someone with his skate, I'm sure I could pay for a flight to Cincinnati and get him directions to Chad Johnson's house...I'm not saying, I'm just saying.



***More like, Sex and the Sex Tape - To clear things up, yes, I have seen Sex and the City before. An episode here and there doesn't make me gay, does it? But, if this is true, I couldn't be more excited. Rumors are floating that there is a Kristin Davis sex tape out. Nice, she was the only non-horsefaced person on that show anyway. Her reps deny it but that's what they're paid to do. I've seen a few still pics of some of the footage (wwtdd.com) and it looks very promising if you are a deviant like every blogger out here is. Come on, Charlotte, just let it become public...it will only help the SitC opening weekend anyway.

Alright, I'm out. I think I'll have some half-assed posts coming the next two days to keep you mongoloids happy. I will be firmly entrenched in a pair of sweatpants on a couch for the rest of the week. Out.

Monday, March 17, 2008

The Middle Finger: NCAA Corporate Sponsors



I think that we all can agree that March Madness is freaking phenomenal. Everything great about the game of college basketball is on display for the world to see. You've got superhuman efforts from teenage kids, the pageantry of athlete's getting after it on every possession, and how can you not love a Cinderella team making a run to put their school on the map. But there is one part of the March telecasts that sucks. Yet most of the time, we don't even realize it. We can partially blame CBS for this considering that it feels like any time that the whistle blows, they take a commercial break. It ruins the flow of the game. But the problem that I have, isn't so much for the constant barrage of corporate garbage, it is that they run the same damn tired cycle of commercials that suck so much dick, that there is no way that anyone would ever want to purchase that product. And that's why this week, we here at The Money Shot are taking a preemptive strike against this bullshit.

This week's Middle Finger goes to the NCAA Corporate Sponsors.

Look, I understand that it costs a ton of money to have your product advertised during the tournament. Besides the Super Bowl, there isn't a more viewed event than the NCAA Tournament (might not be true). But if these companies are going to shell out a boat load of money to get their name out there 8-10 times per game, how about a little production value? Why not something new as opposed to the same ad you used the last two years? Let's take a look at some of the bullshit that will be shoved down our throats over the next 3 weeks and analyze how much these spots suck.

Taco Bell - Oh, great, the Cheesy Beefy Melt is back. And for some reason, that dumbass gooey cheese commercial also returns. First of all, there is nothing appetizing about people having government cheese hanging from their mouth. It looks like a freaking Ava Devine movie (and that is not good)! I find it funny that during the montage of random people enjoying Taco Bell (ironically, they never show the only people who really enjoy Taco Bell which is the drunk/stoned college kid), one scene is a rich couple eating cheesy beefy melts. Yep, that's what rich people do...pass up on the roasted duck for some edible laxatives. That commerical makes me want to vomit. Expect to see it about 55 times a day.

State Farm - Hey, this is my insurance company so I expect a little bit more bang for my buck. Instead, the retarded Coach K/Coach Jay ad keeps resurfacing. I thought it was somewhat amusing the first time I saw it. Now that I'm on my 3,000,000+ viewing and it's painfully obvious that Coach Jay doesn't get hit in the nuts with the pass, it's just a tad bit annoying. Here's an idea. Still use Coach K and Coach Jay except have me, a loyal State Farm customer, come in and light them both on fire. I could even end it by looking straight into the camera and saying, "You're fucking welcome".

Enterprise Rent-A-Car - Since someone at this company signs my paychecks for doing very little work, I am embarrassed with the crappy efforts from the Taylor Family's advertising team. Yep, "Moose the Idiot" will surely be back this March, heading to his college reunion for the third year in a row, and driving that same exact Cadillac with the same exact gold-digging whores. I can't believe that those skanks really think that that is Moose's ride either. I mean, do they NOT see the gigantic green "E" sticker on the bumper? And if they do notice it and ask Moose what that means, what do you suppose his excuse is? "Oh, ummm, the green E stands for the e in Moose!" I hate Moose. We all hate Moose. Go to Hell, Moose.

Others - I'm sure we'll see that weird commercial where Howie Long picks up a drifter out in the desert in his brand new Chevy truck. Little does that drifter know what kind of pounding his anus is in for. Coke will hammer us with the bizarre Grand Theft Auto style commercial, which would have been fine 5 years ago when that game was popular. Sweet Jesus, I hope that the DiGiorno commercial with Dickie V dunking while Bill Raftery is just hanging out thinking about onions is off the rotation. And I'm sure Lowe's will give us a spot where Jimmie Johnson picks Mexicans up in the parking lot and pays them in dimes to do work around his house. I've only been to Lowe's once, so I assume that that is all they sell...cheap Mexican labor. Correct me if I'm wrong. And how can we forget that CBS likely has all brand new episodes of The Big Bang Theory!!!



So there you go. Those 7-8 commercials are all that you will see during the 4 minute timeouts, 30 second timeouts, Dick Enberg strokes, and Gus Johnson head explosions. Thank you, faceless corporations for doing your best to try and ruin the best 3 weeks in sports. You truly do deserve the aforementioned preemptive Middle Finger. Maybe you can incorporate it into a NEW commercial. I think that we, the viewers, have earned it.

And one final thought, no matter how bad these ads are, you only need to remember one thing. One sentiment that reminds what our lives are all about. Take it away, Mr. Mellencamp...
From the East Coast
To the West Coast
Down the Dixie Highway back home
THIS IS OURRRRRRR COUNTRY!!!

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Smarch Madness II



Ohhhhh, I believe that we have a lot to talk about today, no? Between conference tournaments and the selection special, everyone has something to say. So let's get going otherwise Bobby Knight might interupt this post with another whimsical edition of Knight's Insights. We are just going to look at the big conference tourneys, a few other notables, and then the bracket. Fuck it, let't start.
ACC:
--If the Douchebag Hall of Fame needed a recruiting video, they could use Tyler "Beaker" Hansbrough's wild fist pump celebration during the Va Tech semifinal.
--I've said it before and I'll say it again, Coach K will never win another title if his teams do nothing but shoot 3's.
--I'm with Seth Greenberg, who is a pretty likable guy by the way, the Hokies are one of the best 65 teams in the country...you just need to win like one.
--I admit that I never thought much about Clemson being a player...not anymore. Constant full court pressing and hosses in the paint, they can play. Free throw shooting will come back to haunt them but I expect them to play well in the Dance.
--Tyler Hansbrough's Favre-ian media love is suffocating. It's just one more reason to hate the kid.



SEC:
--Wow. What more can you say about Georgia??? That is flat out (I sound like Digger Phelps!) sick. Three wins in less than 30 hours in a pressure cooker environment. Now THAT is how you earn your way in.
--Tennessee has to get their shit together defensively and quickly. A potential second round matchup with Butler is not a good one for them if they are allowing easy baskets.
--I'm not sold on Vandy or Miss St.
--I still find it funny that the powers that be in the SEC decided to only allow friends and family into the games at Tech. Can you imagine how pissed off the UK faithful were??? I'm sure some wives had to explain their black eyes to the neighbors on Saturday.

Big 12:
--Fantastic championship game...KU and Texas are both Final Four caliber teams.
--Speaking of Texas, Kevin Durant couldn't do it but maybe DJ Augustin can make up for the rotten coaching skills of Rick Barnes.
--Same thing for Brandon Rush and Bill Self.
--Oklahoma might be the most boring team in the world.
--Apparently, if you lose in the first round of your conference tournament to the worst team in the league, the Selection Committee will grant you a tournament bid (we'll get into this more later).

Big Ten:
--I don't know why this is still considered a power conference. It's terrible.
--IU has no chance with that coach.
--Purdue has no chance with that youth.
--Michigan State has no chance with that overrated PG.
--Wisconsin has no chance with that many white guys.
--When Illinois, BRUCE WEBER'S Illinois, is playing for the title...your league sucks.
--Ohio State deserved the NIT. That isn't meant to be a harsh "You Suck!", I'm just saying...

Pac-10 :
--UCLA, when they are all on the same page, are not going to be stopped. Luc Richard Mbah-Amoute's (probably not correct spelling, but I tried) ankle could be an issue.
--After seeing the Lopez Twins live last year choke in the first round, I'm amazed at how dominant they are now. The Cardinal are Final 4 capable.
--OJ Mayo is the best player in the country. Hands down. I won't hear anything else. Beasley, Hansbrough, whatever...Mayo is the biggest difference maker and plays hard on every possession.

Others:
--Kent State is really fucking good. The RedHawks had their shot on Friday but MAC POY Al Fisher was just too much. If they survive the first round against UNLV, it will be interesting to see how they do against the Jayhawks.
--The Boise St./NMSU epic 3 OT game Saturday night was amazing. Reggie Larry turned into one of my favorite players.
--Might as well do the Big East here...same old same old. The boring, bruising teams always win that. No exception here. You can pencil Pitt into the Sweet 16 like you can every year.

Brackets:
--How the fuck did Baylor get in after losing to Colorado???
--That spot should have went to Dayton.
--If your dick doesn't get hard for the Mayo/Beasley first round matchup, you must be gay.
--For getting the #1 overall seed, NC got fucked in their bracket.
--Tennessee is the worst 2??? Fuck that.
--Indiana an 8 seed? That's a bunch of shit. If they get it together, they can beat Carolina in round 2.
--Xavier got fucked. They get the SEC champ in the first round? Sean Miller should be pissed.
--Butler is better than a 7. If Purdue gets a 6 after losing to Illinois, the Bulldogs should be a 3!
--Villanova was the last team in...OK, I can live with that. If your team didn't get in, they shouldn't be in anyway.
--10 seed South Alabama gets to play in Birmingham? Good to know that 10 seeds are being rewarded now. Same with Davidson playing in Raleigh. What a crock of shit.
--My WAY too early upset special...Davidson beats Gonzaga.



REMEMBER, The Money Shot has set up an NCAA Tournament group over at Yahoo. Everyone is welcome. Click the link and join. If you win, and you want to, you can do a guest post or just be recognized or however you want to do it. Since I am the smartest person ever, that shouldn't be an issue though.

Group ID# - 20090
password - poopsmells

I think that's it for today, but you all have an opinion on something. Address your concerns in the comments and we will discuss them in a timely fashion. As for me, well, it's Sunday night and I'm on pins and needles waiting for the NIT selection show at 9...PLEASE let the RedHawks in and send them to The Schott. I beg you. UPDATE!!! Yes, the RedHawks were included in the CBI Tournament and will face Tulsa on Wednesday night...hell yeah.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Go Home, White Trash



Late last night, our beloved RedHawks treated the lowly Bobcats from Ohio U to an early exit from the MAC Tournament. Awesome. Now how could this be? On paper, OU is likely the better team. But they aren't, they are losers...always have been.

Could it have been the leadership of Mike Bramos, the hot shooting of guys who never score (19 points from Winbush and Moosmann!!!), this blog naming yesterday "Charlie Coles Day", or the crappy coaching of Tim O'Shea? I'll take a little bit of each please. Also, I'm pretty sure that Tim Pollitz is friends with Tim Donaghy. Jesus, he missed at least six uncontested lay-ups in the second half.

If fellow blogger and friend of this blog, JBeanie, is a man of his word, he will post a tribute to the victors this morning. It was a gentleman's agreement, I want you to follow through, dammit!!! Once I see that it's up, I'll have the link. UPDATE, he's a man of his word, here's his OU obituary.



And now we get the big dogs...Kent State. Since we already won the game that I really wanted to win (sending those fuckers back to Athens will ALWAYS be the most important thing to me), the rest of the tourney is icing on the cake. Wait, I don't like cake...let me think of a better analogy...it's like a stripper feeding you a steak. Yeah, that's better. Do we have a chance tonight playing a much better team and it being our third game in three days? Probably not, but in Jermaine Henderson I trust.

As Ric Flair once said, "to be the man, you've got to beat the man". We are still the champs of the MAC and if Kent wants that title, they've got to go through us to get it.

It's been a long week...the boss is working me like this is a sweatshop...I'm exhausted. You've probably noticed that the quality of my posts has gone down the shitter. If you don't like it, start your own blog. I may be back tomorrow since I have to come in again...who knows. Have a good weekend and GO REDHAWKS!!!

Got any predictions for hoops this weekend? Drop them in the comments and we can discuss.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The Many Faces of Charlie Coles

On this glorious and final Beat the Ohio's Day of the season, we here at The Money Shot are giving you something that you all have been clammering for all year. That's right, it's Charlie Coles Day here!!! And although Coach is laid up in a hospital room right now, doing his best Lou Brown from Major League II impression by listening to the games on a transistor radio that he snuck in, I still have all the confidence in the world that our beloved RedHawks will defeat the terrorists from Athens tonight (9:30 FSN-Ohio). So I give you all, and you can thank me later, The Many Faces of Charlie Coles...



"A basketball AND a handshake? Today is a great day."


















"I'm gonna kill that sumbitch that sucker punched me. Charlie Coles don't front! Charlie Coles keeps it real!!!"







"You a great player, Rob Mestas. And I am a very excitable man."

















"HEY! WHERE ALL THE WHITE WOMEN AT???"


















"I am not paying $4.00 for a gallon of gas! Back in my day, you could fill up and get a licorice whip for $2.75."

















"Allow me to demonstrate my gangsta' lean...and I do NOT look like Abe Vigoda."


















"Sweet Jesus, did I lock my keys in the car? And if I did, this yellow paper is not going to help at all. Now I'm nervous."

















"You would be tired, too, if you were this awesome. This is an issue that Tim O'Shea will never have to deal with."

















"Awwwww, come on Mr. Referee, how can you make that call? Have you not noticed my red mock turtleneck yet?"

















"You must be *this* high to enjoy RedHawk Basketball. And even then you won't enjoy it."








"We aren't a great team, but we're getting better. Kind of like my aroma now that I've switched to Old Spice. The fact that I used to be Right Guard guy...well, that's a real headscratcher."

Well, there you go. I hope you're as pumped up for the MAC Tournament as I am. And remember, BEAT THE OHIO'S!!!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The Hump Day Hump



Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "Hey, (cut to a shot of Lou Diamond Phillips laughing) I just made that up!" Edition. If you remember this sketch from SNL, you are certainly enjoying yourself right now. I'm looking at you, Damman.

***Definitely bet against the Yankees on Thursday - For some retarded reason, the Bombers have signed Billy Crystal to a one day contract and he will be in uniform against the Pirates on Thursday afternoon. Dear Lord. God bless the Hank Steinbrenner Era. Although he brought us 61*, which was fantastic, Billy Crystal sucks. Like I give a fuck about the legend of Curly's Gold. When was the last time that he did anything? How is he deserving of some MLB action? Are the Red Sox going to do the same with Bill Simmons? The Indians with Drew Carey? The Dodgers with Alyssa Milano? My team sucks. I hope they let him hit though. I guess BoDog is allowing people to bet on whether Crystal will make contact. I'm betting no unless he faces Matt Morris. I guess this "signing" goes to show how little faith the front office has in Johnny Damon. I can't wait for Opening Day and hearing Bob Sheppard belt out, "Now batting, #00 Billy Crystal...number 00."

***The Frozen Tundra of Yankee Stadium??? - In somewhat shocking news, the Yankee brass has given the OK to the NHL to have an outdoor New Year's Day Rangers game be the last event inside Yankee Stadium. While I think outdoor hockey is a good idea, I'm not sure that the last memory of the best stadium in sports (yeah, I said it) should be an NHL regular season game. This is the freaking House That Ruth Built not the House of Theo Fleury's DUI's. Oh well, after the Yankees win the World Series on the hallowed Bronx grounds this season, no one will remember a random hockey game there anyway. FYI, my baseball preview is coming soon.

***So Randy Moss didn't hit that broad then? - The old skank that filed for a restraining order against Randy Moss, suspiciously during the Super Bowl hype, has decided to drop the charges now? Hmmmmm...could this have been a ploy instigated by Giants fans perhaps? Something doesn't add up here. It's like I have a Willard Tip Calculator and it's missing a 7. Didn't she claim that Moss hit her? And now she is content with dropping the charges...so what was the freaking point? Or did she take the Giants on a moneyline and wanted to do her part to ensure a winning bet? Look, if you don't want to press charges, then Randy Moss is going to keep punching whores. If that's the case, then Randy, come to my office and I'll show you where my boss sits. You'll know where I sit if you just look for the giant spotlight of awesome that shines down on my cube from 8-6 daily.

***Tony Stewart doesn't like salads, taking responsibility, or rubbers - I guess I should just say it again, Tony Stewart is gigantic. And yet again, he is shooting off at the mouth in between fistfuls of deep-fried scrotums. It would be easy to say that the best driver won. But it would be even easier to blame Goodyear for making, in your opinion, substandard tires. Oh I see. You didn't lose because your car had a 375 pound guy sitting in it. You lost because of a style of tires that EVERYONE ELSE was using. For fuck's sake, I don't even pay attention to NASCAR and even I know that you have at least one embarrassing blow-up per month. What a twunt (if you don't watch Rescue Me, it's a cross between a twat and a cunt). And even though Tony the Hut hammered Goodyear after the race, rumor has it that he covered a set of wheels with powdered sugar and devoured them before he left the track.

***All I want for Xmas is for Terrelle Pryor to either suck or break his leg - If he keeps this crap up, he may be bunking with Maurice Clarett sooner rather than later. For the SECOND time this postseason, Mr. All-America has insighted a near-riot during the Pennsylvania high school basketball playoffs. What a great guy. Seriously, we know the kid is an uber-talent, but is he really worth it? Do you want this egomaniacal prima donna destroying your team chemistry faster than Terrell Owens? Clearly, he has no class and is milking this shit for all it's worth. And to those of you who say that "he's a kid, let him enjoy it"--NO! There is a time when you have to grow up and be a man. For all the crap that OJ Mayo took, who had the same reputation as Pryor in high school, he's been fantastic with the Trojans. He finally gets it and you can see that. Fuck Terrelle Pryor.

***Mark Cuban hates himself - Well, Cuban should hate himself for taking part in Dancing with the Nobodies, but we all know that he has no shame anyway. No, Cuban announced that all bloggers are banned from the Mavs press room. Now, there are some odd bits from this. This means that guys who write for newspaper blogs do not get the media credentials that they have been getting for years. Also, CUBAN WRITES HIS OWN BLOG!!! Oh, so I suppose it's OK if he comes in the locker room then. Pompous ass. To quote the Doorman from Seinfeld, "You think you're better than me, don't you?" Well, I guarantee that I write better material than Cuban. But he makes better hdTV's than me...so he's got me there. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I have no desire to even go to Dallas so you can stick your press passes up your ass. Now go get me a Dilly Bar from Dairy Queen.

***If I had an extra $5500, what would I spend it on? - A copy editor? A new laptop? Some college loan repayment? Nah, if I was like New York governer, Eliot Spitzer, I'd buy a hooker for an hour. Wow. It doesn't surprise me that a politician got busted for diddling a whore. It does surprise me that some skank charges $5500 for an hour. Now I'm no prostitution expert, but I'm pretty sure that there should be something else involved in the service if you're paying that kind of coin. Is there a petting zoo involved? Do you get to kill her after the hour? Is the hooker "desert burial" service included? These are the kinds of things that we, the public, need to know! It's hard to believe that the rest of the world hates Americans when stuff like this happens all too frequently. USA! USA! USA!

I'm out, back tomorrow. And, again, I know that the timestamp says Tuesday...don't worry, I know how to run this classic piece of journalistic integrity. I don't care what Mark Cuban thinks.