Monday, December 01, 2008

The Worst of Week Thirteen Vol.II

Welcome back, G$. I'm back from my vacation, the batteries are re-charged, and I'm ready to go again.

If you look to the left, that is what a "dead man walking" looks like. Ironically, other than reaffirming our knowledge that Romeo Crennel has no business running a football team, we learned very little about the NFL this weekend. The contenders kept going strong (Titans, Giants, Steelers, and Cowboys) while the pretenders proved again what we already knew but they wanted us not to believe (Jets, Cardinals, Packers, Bears, Saints, Skins, Patriots). But I don't want to give away this post. So before we begin, let's all take a moment of silence to honor the season of Derek Anderson and the passing of The Kyle Orton Express's effectiveness. You will be missed, sirs.

Get ready because Ken motherfucking Dorsey is BACK, baby!!! The top ten Dorsey's of the week:

10. Plaxico Burress - Wow. Seriously, who shoots themselves? The details that keep coming out about this just keep getting more bizarre. If you are going to go to a club that you need to bring a gun to to feel safe, you should probably just stay at home. Athletes are so stupid. And if you couldn't tell from yesterday, Plax will likely be on the open market this offseason. Fucking idiot.

9. The Berman Bowl - If you suffered through the 49ers/Bills 10-3 snooze-fest, you are truly a fan. Chris Berman can go rumble, bumble, and stumble a rusty paint can up his ass.

8. Everyone on the Cardinals - Do you see now? NEVER buy into finesse teams. That Thursday night game in Philly should have been a breeze against an Eagles team that was about 99.9% playing out the string. There is no chance in Hell that Arizona is winning a road game in the playoffs and now the book is back out again. Get in Warner's face and he sucks. And come on, 48 points to Donovan McUnderthrow???

7. Ryan Fitzpatrick - The perfect example of why you should always have a decent option as a #2 QB. Boy, I can't wait to sit in Paul Brown Stadium in two weeks to watch a 9-6 shit sandwich between the Skins and the 1-14-1's.

6. Peyton Manning - They should have lost to the Browns. How can you not get the ball into the endzone against Brandon McFuckingDonald? 125 yards and 2 picks in decent weather? I can't take the Colts seriously after that.

5. Mike McCarthy (The HERM! Edwards Memorial Spot) - Hey, asshole, you may have a body shaped like an egg, but----I've got nothing to go with that other than he's a fat idiot. Anyway, when you have the ball first and goal in a tie game late in the 4th, there is NO excuse for giving your fullback a god damn carry! That loss is on McCarthy. How are the Packers this bad? They really shouldn't be. Rodgers has been fine and the defense is still pretty good. It has to be the coaching.

4. Sean Taylor's Memory - I'm starting to believe that the Redskins hate Sean Taylor. They lost to the Bills last year before running the table and yesterday, when 21 was put into the Ring of Honor, they completely mailed it in. Portis, while one of the toughest players in the league, was garbage. J-Camp was putrid. The secondary sucked. The offensive line was horrible. The WR's couldn't catch AIDS at Magic Johnson's house. But, hey, at least Devin Thomas looked good! I'm really not liking our odds at making the playoffs since we can't score. I can't wait for next Sunday night's 3 point showing in Baltimore. Another primetime embarrassment? Sign me up!

3. Brett Favre - This is what he is. Yes, he can still fool the media with a few good games, but in the end, he's mediocre. Denver has the worst defense in the league and he couldn't put in a touchdown. Deanna Favre should be giving Jay Cutler's retarded schlong a hummer because he made Brett his bitch.

2. The Chargers - 4-8. FOUR and EIGHT. This team was a play or two away from the Super Bowl last year and now they can't even compete in the AFC West. Just awful. The blame goes to everyone here. To AJ Smith for hiring Norv. To Marmalard Rivers for running Norv's plays. To Tomlinson for being a bitch. And to Norv for being himself...a white, pit-faced version of Romeo Crennel. He could ruin a great night of drunken bowling...and there is almost nothing that could ruin that.

1. Matt Cassel - Awwww, remember how people were saying that New England should trade Brady and that Cassel was going to get 8-10 million per season this offseason? Yeah, I hope you didn't buy that. Matt Cassel sucks. You put some heat on him and he doesn't know what to do. Any team (Detroit) that is looking at giving him a contract this Spring, remember this game. Not only was he a turnover and sack-taking machine, he also got Wes Welker fucking murdered. It takes a special kind of shittiness to get the toughest WR in the NFL hurt.

I'm done with this. It's time to clear the head. One other thing that I want to comment on. This past weekend, The Ohio's beat Miami for the third straight year (makes me want to puke), Xavier beat us in hoops, the Redskins were awful, and all I got back was the firing of Shane Montgomery. Somehow, I feel cheated. They don't equal out to me. Oh wait, barring massive nights tonight from Matt "Coke Nose" Jones and Kevin Walter, I will be defeating the hated commenters, Damman and Mr. Ace, in separate fantasy leagues this week. It feels great. And I will be making the playoffs in both leagues. Considering that I started 0-3 in each league (owned Braylon and Derek Anderson in BOTH!), I am mighty impressed with myself these days. Now my other fantasy league...that is another story. I scored one point (ONE POINT) this weekend on my way to a lovely 2-12 season.

Nothing is more interesting than reading about some idiot's fantasy football teams. That is one thing that I do know. Suck my balls.


Upstate Underdog said...

the Bills offense. 3 fucking points at home against SF! What happened to that 5-1 record?

Tony B. said...

Go easy on Kenny Dorsey, you guys have something in common: you both played on youth basketball teams with yours truly. Though, our 7th grade spring team wasn't as savage as Light Blue, it was still fun to play ball with a couple of legends (Heisman runner-up & celebrity blogger.)

That Bears game was fucking awful- 99 yard TD reception to ex-teammate Bernard Berrian- ugh. And what was up with John Madden's commentary about how the Bears are great "strippers." Al Michaels was laughing at him and Madden wouldn't let it go.

MuDawgfan said...

Worst player of this past week: Wes Welkah.