Monday, December 22, 2008

The Worst of Week Sixteen Vol.II

Wow. That Sunday night game was about as freaking great as the NFL can get. The Panthers and Giants put on a classic. Very clean, no turnovers, great execution, clutch plays...the exact opposite of what you would expect from the Cleveland Browns. I could easily see both of these teams as Super Bowl champions as long as their crappy QB's don't get in the way. But, as this column always delves into on a weekly basis, not everything was great in the (insert Ron Jaworski voice) National Football League this weekend. In fact, there was some truly God awful play by some of the bigger names in the business. Let's get into that, shall we?

10. Eastern Michigan Eagles - Ron English? Seriously? That's the best that you could do, huh. I just hope that when the RedHawks name their next coach, they don't settle on someone this inept. Poor Emoo's. Their 8 diehard fans deserve better than this.

9. Matt Schaub - I bet you didn't know this but the Texans were 7-7 heading into Oakland yesterday. And then they got their asses the Raiders. Hey dumbass, Gary Kubiak, when you are down 27-16 in the 4th quarter and have a 4th and 1 from the 5, you ALWAYS kick the field goal. What an idiot. Even Romeo knows that you kick the field goal. And young Schaub, you kinda sorta suck.

8. Derrick Brooks - Do you remember when the Bucs defense was actually good? They can't stop anyone anymore. You would think that the Bucs had a shoe-in win with Norv the pit-faced penis coming east, but you would be wrong. Because Brooks and Company thought it would be a better idea to let Marmalard Rivers throw four touchdowns and he's terrible.

7. Adrian Peterson - I'm a Purple Jesus fan but, come on man, stop putting the ball on the turf. When your QB is as bad as the Vikings is, you can't fumble the ball every other carry and expect to win. Somehow, these fuckers are going to host a playoff game...what a joke.

6. Donovan McNabb - Suck my balls, Mr. Ace! I hope you enjoy wearing my Portis jersey at the JFL Draft next year. The Eagles fucking suck. They only scored 3 points against a team that quit a month ago and probably saved Zorn's job in the process. It always sucks when your team gets eliminated from playoff contention, but I take solace in knowing that we took the Eagles and their shitty QB with us (admit it, you're done). Donovan is horrible and shame on all of you who for fell for his act the past few weeks.

5. Romeo Crennel (The HERM! Edwards Memorial Spot) - Poor, Romeo. His offense hasn't scored in 5 games now. FIVE GAMES. Browns fans are stupid and will say that it's all his fault but they're a bunch of dumbasses. It is everyone's fault. Phil Savage put this team together. Your owner likes soccer more than football. Your players suck. Romeo will take the fall, but this organization needs gutted.

4. Kurt Warner - This is Kurt Warner. He sucks when it's cold outside. Anyone can throw the ball in the Fall. Real QB's can do it in any conditions. And how about Matt Leinart getting dusted off and getting himself a TD! Way to go, deadbeat dad! Oh, the Cardinals have no chance to win their first playoff game. I don't care if it's at DeVry University Stadium or whatever the name is.

3. Brett Favre - In his past 4 games, during a supposed playoff push, Johnny Wranglers has 1 touchdown and 6 picks. He's a below average QB at this point. I was listening to Michael Smith on ESPN radio yesterday morning before I spun my car out on 33 (not fun at all, whoever the asshole was that left the massive car part on the road, thanks, prick) heading to grandma's and he made a great point: Favre should only be handing off. No more throwing. Just hand the ball off. Somehow this fucker got elected to the Pro Bowl...fucking idiots.

2. Ben Roethlisberger - Whenever you think you know the NFL, the NFL sticks it up your ass. EVERYONE picked the Steelers to roll through Tennessee yesterday and instead they got destroyed. It didn't help matters that my boy was a turnover machine. That's the key to beating the can't turn it over. They aren't going to. But Ben wasn't nearly as horrible as...

1. The Dallas Cowboys - That was fucking awesome. It was going to be a great night. All of those former Cowboys were released from prison to say farewell to Texas Shithole. They were going to cement their place in the playoffs. Jerry Jones was going to murder children like he always does. But my boy, Ray-Ray, was having none of that. The Ravens stuck it up their pee-hole on Saturday and it tasted delicious. That Shithole Stadium deserved a final game like that. I'll tell you what, if you want to get me the greatest gift ever for Xmas, just make a compilation of the worst losses in Cowboys history. I would watch that thing every single fucking day. I hear that that gift comes with a severed Jerry Jones head and I could use one of those.

There you have it. A truly abysmal week from some of the "superstars" of the (Jaworski again) National Football League. If you were wondering about the Damman/G$ G$FL Super Bowl matchup, yikes, I need some help. He put up a big number and I probably need 4 scores tonight from the combo of Rodgers and Forte with Jennings not getting any of them. It's not a great shot, but I've still got life. We'll see how it goes. If it doesn't work out in my favor, I will actually go high class and give him credit on Tuesday. I promise. On another note, in the lesser known JFL, I shocked the world (thanks, DeAngelo!) and sent the 14-1 #1 seed packing so I'm in the Super Bowl for that league as well. I can't believe that I'm making money in fantasy football. Unbelievable. Almost forgot, all of you can go fuck yourselves...except for you, Dut, you were looking quite suave on Friday.


J Beanie said...

How about Denver blowing the division against Buffalo?

Reggie Brown not running his route one yard longer?

Or how about the 29 fans who went to the Browns game? It would have been much cooler if not a single fan showed up and they played in an empty stadium because that's what both teams deserved.

Anonymous said...

The Browns are hilarious. When they lose next week, and if the Bengals win (they play the Chiefs), they move up one more spot in the draft. Ken Dosey has no business being in on an NFL team, but I'm not sure the Browns qualify.

The Broncos should have cracked your top 10 after that choke job. What an awful defense, but my boy Cutler did his job. The Chargers are going to blow them out next week.

As for the G$FL, you had a fine season. Coming back after a slow start was impressive, but the dream has come to an end. Me going with Kevin Faulk was brilliant and you benching Chris Johson, not so much. You simply ran into a better team and a better GM. Although its not officially over, I am going to go ahead and say, after back to back heartbreaking title game losses, "Mission Accomplished."


Upstate Underdog said...

too bad the Bills couldn't play AFC West teams every week.

GMoney said...

I didn't have room for the Broncos. It was a jam-packed week.

Is it really that unfathomable to get 4 combined touchdowns out of Rodgers and Forte tonight? I don't think so. I love your arrogance though, it will make it much much sweeter to send Marv Levy home again a loser.

Upstate Underdog said...

G$, my buddy got 6 combined TD's from Williams and Jacobs last night so it can happen.

I need big gamed from Rodgers , Jennings, Grant and Crosby tonight.

Anonymous said...

The weather is going to be shitty tonight in Chicago. It's going to be a 13-10 game. Wind, snow and below zero wind chill is not combination for offense. But, keep telling yourself there is a chance.


GMoney said...

It's going to be cold, no doubt, but it was cold in KC yesterday and those two shitty teams put up almost 70 points.

It's all the hope I have left.

Upstate Underdog said...

not to mention the fact that the Pats scored 41 points out in the cold and snow yesterday

GMoney said...

If I learned anything from the genius of Al Gore, it is to never concede defeat. Even if you pull it off, it will be three years before I acknowledge you as a champion.

Anonymous said...

If you are resorting to channeling Al Gore for inspiration, a man as inspiring as a wet sock, you must be desperate.


GMoney said...

Actually no. You may not have seen this yet, but I picked up The Golden Arm of Todd Collins from the waiver wire to inspire young Forte and Rodgers tonight. You are in very big trouble now.