Monday, December 29, 2008

The Worst of Week Seventeen Vol.II

It's time to put the 2008 NFL regular season to bed. Damn, these just keep going faster and faster each year. It seems like just yesterday that I was screaming at the TV when Jake Delhomme connected with Dante Rosario (who?) on the last play of the game to beat the Chargers in week one. As far as the Redskins go, obviously I'm not pleased with an 8-8 season in which they ended up finishing last in the NFC East. The offense was consistently bad, the defense had no pass rush at all, and the special teams were rotten. But the most frustrating part of the season was the lack of an identity. That, and of course, the fact that I truly believe that the Skins are better than 3-4 teams in the playoffs (Vikings, Eagles, Cardinals, and Dolphins). But those are the breaks, I guess, and I can't wait to get after that last place schedule in 2009. Hey, enough with the hopeless optomism, let's get going with the shitbags of week 17 because there were A LOT of them:

10. The JFL - I finished in second place in yet another fantasy league. But this one was expected and let me show you why:
My team this week - Pennington, Choice, DeAngelo, Steve Smith, the other Steve Smith, Ginn, Cadillac, kicker and defense. Boldin and Housh not playing was a kick to the dick and I had to sit Big Ben. But I do realize that this team is not very good.
My opponent who may have had the best team ever - Warner, Turner, Jones-Drew, T.O., Bryant, Andre Johnson, Slaton, kicker and defense.
In a league where 100 points is the benchmark for a win, I scored 102. He scored 146. This shit happens, unfortunately it happened to my two weeks in a row in two different fantasy Super Bowls. But here is why the JFL sucks: THIS IS A 16 TEAM LEAGUE! SIXTEEEN! Why would you ever run a league with that many people? This isn't just sour grapes for finishing second this year and third last year, but it sucks. Joe, I know that you read this site, your league needs to be fixed. 3/4 of the owners don't run ANY smack during the season. You still haven't told anyone in the league what the payouts are going to be. And no one gets paid their winnings until the next season's draft. There is already a mutiny in the works and I'm thinking that this will be my last year in the JFL as well. Enough about that. We can always discuss this privately but since you don't return emails, I'm calling you out.

9. Jay Cutler - You could just see it in his eyes. Once the Broncos got down, he gave up. After his first pick, you knew that he was done. The guy is the second coming of Drew Brees as he will put up a ton of fantasy points, but he's not going to win any meaningful games. And he looks like a retard...that doesn't help.

8. Bruce Gradkowski - 20 passing yards? A 2.8 QB rating? And as far as the Browns go, no offensive touchdowns in the final 6 weeks of the season...well played. This is the worst team in football. A team went winless this year and I am fairly certain that if they played next weekend, the Browns would lose by double digits. Don't worry, at least you didn't give big money to Derek Anderson, Jamal Lewis, and Donte Stallworth.

7. The Steelers O-Line - It was going to happen eventually. I didn't think it would take this long (or especially against that shitty team), but Pittsburgh's horrendous pass blocking schemes finally got Big Ben killed. As he was being worked on, I couldn't help but laugh, not at the injury, but at how funny football players look when they have a helmet on with no face mask. I give two thumbs up to Big Ben though for dusting off one of my favorite salutes: The Thumbs Up Mike Utley!!! I hope he's OK because he should be able to get his 2nd ring this year.

6. Jon Gruden - The Buccaneers started the year 9-3. They are sitting at home now trying to figure out where it all went wrong. I know exactlywhy. That defense is older than fuck and can't compete at a high level for 16 weeks anymore. 31 points given up to the Raiders? Come on. Did you notice how much better the Raiders were considering that Al Davis did not go to the game? They would be undefeated if he would just go to Hell already.

5. Butch Jones (The HERM! Edwards Memorial Spot) - This slot is saved for the worst coach of the week and I've got a doozy for you this week. Did anyone watch the Motor City Bowl on Friday night? Anyone? Well, I did and Central Michigan's coach completely tanked that game for the Chips with some truly ridiculous moves. Down 24-13 mid-way through the 4th and presented with a 4th and 2 or so from the 10, he went for it. It failed. Instead of making it a one possession game, he got greedy. The Chips get the ball back a few plays later and score. They get the 2 pointer to make it 24-21 with a little over 3 minutes left and 2 timeouts. HE KICKS IT ONSIDE and the Chips don't get it. CMU did not get the ball back. Why would you do that! That makes no sense at all. But, when you consider that his mentor is Rich Rodriguez, maybe it makes all the sense in the world. Jones should have a lot of explaining do for the way he handled that abortion.

4. Brian Urlacher and Bad Company - The Texans have one, ONE, weapon in the passing game. You might want to double cover Andre Johnson. The Bears are turning into the Bucs with how old that defense is getting. And if you had "Week 16" in your office "When will Mike Brown be placed on IR" pool, you win!!! And when was the last time that the Bears had even a decent WR?

3. Brett Favre - Three more crucial picks for the guy that just loves to play football. He's like a kid out there. And he is, if your kid sucks at QB and should have stopped playing 3 years ago. I love it. The Jets are sitting at home and it is largely due to his overrated wing. The best part about it (yes, it does get better!) is that you can stick a fork in Brett...he's fucking done. It's over. No more flimsy retirements. No more comebacks. He's going back to Mississippi after doing some awesome damage to his reputation. Fuck you, Brett, way to be worse than Chad Pennington.

2. The Detroit Lions!!! - Hells fucking yeah! We may never see an undefeated team in our lifetimes, but we've got something now. At 0-16, the Lions go into the record books as the worst team ever. They aren't really, but the numbers suggest so. Way to go, Lions. A few of us were worried that you may not be able to fulfill your destiny, but you overcame all of the odds to do it. Rob Parkerdouche was blasted last week for asking Rod Marinelli if he regretted that his daughter didn't marry a better defensive coordinator. Parkerdouche should ask Rod this week if Mrs. Marinelli regrets marrying such a bad head coach. BRING BACK MILLEN!!!

1. Tony Fucking Romo and The Dallas Cowboys - I can live with the Redskins missing out on the long as the Cowboys join them on the sideline. How fucking sweet was that? That awful Eagles offense scored 3 points the week prior and hung 44 yesterday? Huh? Shouldn't Dallas have come out with a bit more fire here? No, they shouldn't have because when you are poorly coached, you have a little bit of a problem when it comes to consistency. Say it with me here, "Tony Romo is a loser." Period. The guy is not a winner. Sure, he's charismatic and some people find his "aww-shucks" demeanor funny, but the guy is a goddamn loser. A fucking loser. He will never win. How tasty do you think Jerry Jones' tears are? I bet they taste like ribs and cure AIDS.

So, it's playoff time. The upcoming weekend's slate of games (with the exception of IND/SD) are going to be boring as fuck but here we are anyway. Let me give you a pointer here, EVERYONE is going to hop on the Ravens, Falcons, Eagles, and Colts bandwagons this week...don't buy into it. Homefield is huge. I'll probably do a post on this Friday, but you are getting your warning here, do not sleep on the home teams (my guess is that other than SD, the other 3 will be underdogs). I'll see you tomorrow with some more words that cause premature ejaculation.


Anonymous said...

Just wondering if your going to watch the Falcons game on saturday. Go Falcons!!


rstiles said...

Tony Romo is a fucking loser...he is a quitter...

I love that photo of him that you posted...he better go change his panties!!!

J Beanie said...

I did something different today. I printed off your post and read it while taking a shit. Got to tell you, something about reading your work while shitting just felt right.

The Lions didn't deserve to be on your list. The made history. History that makes everyone happy they witnessed. Therefore, they should be on the Best of list.

GMoney said...

Glick, of course I will. I am a "professional" writer!

Beanie, that is the finest compliment that this site has ever received. But these posts were created for the Lions.

Tony B. said...

After seeing Sexy Rexy throw up a few 0.0 passer ratings over the past few years, Gradkowski's 2.9 is not that impressive.

The Bears choked the season away one game at a time. I'm convinced they only won games vs. the Saints and Packers just to let down the fan base in the final week.

Anonymous said...

Glick, are you going to break out the Metcalf jersey next week?

I believe Gradkowski's rating was 1.0, but who was really paying attention.

Romeo and Phil are gone so now we can start our 4 rebuilding job in 10 years. Awesome.


Mr. Ace said...

Wow G$, you are delusional. The only team you might be better than is the Cardinals...maybe. There is nothing to like about the redskins, which is why their season is over. Quit your bitching, you guys blow.

Everyone, jump on the Eagles bandwagon while you can. Because we are going to the super bowl baby!!! Well, at least the NFC Championship game.


GMoney said...

The Skins beat the Eagles twice, bitch. We would beat you again, too. Keep drinking that poisoned Kool-Aid.

Mr. Ace said...

Since week 6 you clowns have beaten the lions, browns, seahawks, and philly... Real impressive. And you have lost to the bungals, the rams, and the niners in that same time span. The redskins fucking suck.

I have an extra eagles jersey waiting for you. Just come to our side for the post-season. And see what it feels like to cheer for a great team. You will love it. Fly Eagles Fly!

GMoney said...

You're getting a little loud over there for someone who were embarrassed by that Redskins team TWICE this season and didn't beat the Bengals. Who are you trying to fool? When you lose to Andy Reid, Jr this Sunday, it's going to be great.

Anonymous said...


Hell yes the Metcalf jersey is coming out. I suppose I should probably get an updated Jersey.


Anonymous said...