Monday, December 08, 2008

The Worst of Week Fourteen Vol.II

I'm writing this during the 2nd quarter of the Redskins/Ravens game. It's currently 14-0. You would think that I would be insanely pissed off. And while I kind of am, I'm really more paralyzed with frustration. J-Camp gets picked on the first drive--no reaction. Portis fumbles for a touchdown--no reaction. Mike Sellers doesn't block blitzers and showcases his impression of Roger Dorn's defense--no reaction. Ryan Plackemeier can't put a ball further than 30 yards--no reaction. What does this all mean and why should you care? It means that I am so agitated with the Redskins right now, that they've broken my spirit. Oh, and you shouldn't care either. But I'm beginning to understand what it's like to be a fan of the Lions, Bills, Browns, Bengals, Raiders, etc. It's just one giant whirlpool of suck that slowly, but surely, is flushing me down the toilet. Jim Zorn can kiss my ass. The defense has blitzed 6 or more guys 99 times this year and have 8 sacks...atrocious. I don't even want to go to Cincy this Sunday for the Skins game because I know that we're going to lose. Just look at the difference on each god damn sideline! The Ravens look they are having fun and the Skins look uptight and defeated. It's disgusting.

Before we get going, as far as an update on my fantasy team goes, we've got a shot. We need a touchdown out of Antonio Bryant tonight, but we've still got a shot. Just down six points and I'm counting on you, Antonio. And that's all I wanted...a chance. Fuck Sammy Morris and his garbage-ass touchdowns, too. The worst of the week:

10. Nate Davis - Stupid Ball State. Who loses to Buffalo? Davis, who some are saying may leave early for the NFL, turned the ball over FIVE times (2 returned for touchdowns) in the blowout loss to the perennial doormats of the MAC. If you can't win the MAC, you aren't going to win in the NFL (see: Jacobs, Omar; Frye, Charlie; and Harris, Josh). I suggest sticking around for your Senior year and, you know, actually accomplishing something first. The good thing about this is that the 2003 Miami team can still hold the title of the best MAC team ever.

9. Gus Frerrote - Whew, that was close. For awhile I thought that the Lions might be getting off the schnide due to Gus's awfulness. But, alas, the great Tarvaris Jackson came in with a hot hand and kept the dream of a perfect season alive in Detroit. Defeated Season? YES WE CAN!!!

8. Toronto - I'm sorry, America's Hat. You deserved better than that. Maybe Canada should just tell Ralph Wilson, thanks but no thanks. You can keep these losers in New York. The Dolphins have to be the worst 8-5 of all time, don't they? And the God. If Dick Jauron doesn't get fired soon, it's a freaking miracle. They can't even beat the Browns.

7. Steven Jackson - Exactly why does everyone feel that he is an elite RB in the league? The guy has done almost nothing in his career but fools us with maybe 2 big games each season. Yesterday, he lost two fumbles and one was returned for a touchdown. I would bet that if you asked the city of LA if they wanted the Rams back, they would decline that offer. They would probably ignore your phone call.

6. David Garrard - It probably wasn't a good idea to give him superstar money this past offseason because he has sucked all season long. I know, I know, they have no offensive lineman, Fred Taylor has quit, and their WR's are garbage but still. No one is a bigger Garrard apologist than me but I've got no defense left for him. He sucks.

5. Mike McCarthy (The HERM! Edwards Memorial Spot) - What is going on in Green Bay? They have to be the best 5-8 team ever but they always fucking lose. The offense is good for the most part and the defense is usually better than giving up 400+ yards to Matt Schaub's corpse. But when the game is on the line, you can't let the Houston god damn Texans drive from the 5 yard line for the winning field goal! I've got to think that McCarthy is on extremely thin ice because there is no excuse for being 3 games behind Von Kaiser's team in the NFC North.

4. Jamal's Lewis's - 9 touches for 10 total yards. Well done you coke-transporting sack of shit. You can't blame Ken Dorsey for how bad the Browns were yesterday. You really can't. A third string QB is only there to collect a paycheck, you can't expect him to win a game for you. They really need to gut the entire Browns organization and start over again. Guess what, idiots, Marty Schottenheimer ain't the fucking answer to the question, "How do the Browns stop being a horrible franchise"?

3. Eli Manning - Doesn't the world feel right when Eli Manning is horrible? It does to me. Boy did he suck balls or what? His bid for MVP was officially ended yesterday and that is fine by me due to his not being that good and all. And hey Giants defense, the Eagles only have one good player on offense and his last name is Westbrook. You may have heard of him. You should probably focus on stopping him first and make McShitty beat you with his wounded ducks.

2. Brett Favre - There are very few players in the NFL that I root against more than Favre. Nice job losing to the 49ers. Nice job getting outplayed by Shaun Hill. Nice job being a douchebag. Can you just retire already. Side note: there is a former NFL player that frequents the bar that I always attend. He's pretty friendly with my red-headed roommate. His story about Favre, which is semi-amusing, is that everytime Brett sees you and tries to shake your hand, he uses the phrase, "put 'er in the ol' vise". What a fucking country-fried idiot.

1. Tony Romo - HA! What a bag of dicks! My least favorite player in the league "awww-shucks"ed his way to truly horrendous performance yesterday in Shitsburgh. The Cowboys had that game won. Tashard Choice was surprisingly effective. The defense was a god damn beast. They were ready to move to 9-4 and get back into the playoffs. But Romo was awful. And he lost the game. That was on him. I realize that the Steelers have a great defense and all, but his decision-making (like usual) was sub-par. And another thing, as bad as Big Ben was for 3 quarters yesterday, he has to be happy that he's done with the NFC East teams this year considering that they sacked him 25 times in 4 games. That o-line in Pittsburgh is beyond bad. My team may suck, but fuck the Cowboys in the ass.

Ugh...stupid Redskins. They always put me in such a sour mood. But it will all be forgiven as long as Antonio Bryant finds the end zone tonight to send G-Saul packing. Oh! Another thing, She-Money and I (as of today) have been together for 11 years now. We're still not married yet! If you've read this site long enough or know me, you realize how amazing this is. How in the bloody fuck can anyone stand being around me for over a decade? Boggles the mind really...


Mr. Ace said...

Hahahahahahaha...redskins, hahahaha. Ok, I am done for now.

How is Turner Gill not getting his door beat down by every team with a coaching vacancy? I really hope he doesn't go to Syracuse because that is a death trap. If Kelly is really staying at Cinci then Gill should have the Auburn job locked up. How the fuck did Kiffin get the Tennessee job? What a fag.

Fly Eagles Fly! I am hesitant to get my hopes up yet because our last game will be tough against the cowboys. But we have two guaranteed wins coming up against the Browns and your skins. As long as Westbrooks leg doesn't fall off we have a serious shot at the playoffs.

J Beanie said...

Welcome to Miserable Fan Town. Population: Browns fans, Bengal fans, Raider fans, Redskin fans and SheMoney.

GMoney said...

Excellent analysis, Beanie.

From what I'm hearing, Gill is nto pursuing the Auburn job which tells me that Buffalo is a better program than Auburn.

Ace, Beanie, Glick, Saul's, etc: HAIL TO THE VICTORS!!! That was a GREAT hoops game on Saturday.

Upstate Underdog said...

Maybe Gill will stay in Buffalo and get the Bills job. I think he'll end up at Syracuse. Bills fucking suck, from 5-1, to 6-8. wtf?!

/Miserable Fan Town resident

J Beanie said...

GO BLUE!!!! Fuck Duke.

Anonymous said...

I love it when Eli sucks his own balls. He is no MVP. MVP's don't have performances like his on sunday. Especially at Home!