Monday, December 15, 2008

The Worst Of Week Fifteen Vol.II

This is going to be pretty simple today. I only watched one game yesterday. It was as awful as I expected. It was a season-ender. I want to kill myself. I've never been more pissed off about the NFL in my life (probably not true but I'm going for effect here). You know how pregnant chicks sometimes have morning sickness? Well, after yesterday (hell, for the past month), I'm having a serious fucking case of "Zorning Sickness". Fuck it, let's vent:

10.-1. Jim Zorn and The Washington Redskins
Miserable. Absolutely fucking terrible. That was pathetic. Do you have any idea how much it sucks to walk out of a stadium and seeing Bengals fans happy? It's 10 times worse than you could possibly imagine. These people live their entire fucking lives knowing that they are losers. But I had to be there when they enjoyed their one day respite from their crappy lives as sports fans. Riding the escalator down to the concourse after the game, some old cunt said to me, "I bet you didn't think that the Redskins would lose to the Bengals today, did you?" It took every ounce of strength in me to not knock that bitch's teeth out. But I took the high road and locked my beady, hate-filled eyes on her. I just stared daggers into her soul for 5 seconds, allowed my rage not to get the better of me, and regained my focus to get the fuck out of there as soon as possible. But let me discuss that classic game for a minute.

Jim Zorn's offense is absolutely horrible. I could defend that crap. There's no imagination. No shots down the field. Just a bunch of dink passes, 2 yard runs, and punts. And why the fuck would any coach call for Mike Sellers to run not one, but two rushes at the goalline when you have Clinton fucking Portis? Just awful. I'm done defending Zorn. If he gets fired, then so be it. He has earned his pink slip for losing to the god damn Bengals.

Defensively, ugh. Greg Blache can burn in Hell as well. They still can't get any pressure. They let Cedric Benson get close to 175 total yards. Cedric. Benson.

But my favorite part of yesterday was just watching my team quit. The Redskins quit after Cooley's fumble on the first possession. There was no fire. They just acted like they didn't want to win. And after they lose their next two games to finish 7-9 after starting 6-2, I'll get to spend the rest of the year thinking about what could have been if this team only had a heart. Or a brain. Or courage. The 2008 Washington Redskins are pretty much the exact opposite of the three gay guys from The Wizard of Oz.

At least I won some money at the casino on Saturday night (the blackjack dealer at my table looked exactly like Chau Giang). And I got drunk before the game...nothing beats a good "mornin' drinkin'". And I beat The Wig Master in the JFL fantasy playoffs (thank you very much, controversial Big Ben TD pass!). Now I just need Braylon Edwards to not let DeSean Jackson outscore him by 6 fantasy points tonight to make the G$FL Super Bowl. So at least I've got other things to take my mind off of the abortion in DC.

Fuck this shit. I need to mail some anthrax to Jim Zorn. Stupid asshole. And thank you, JBeanie, for the extremely unnecessary text message after the game. I hope you blow out your knees in the middle of your weekly coitus with Bruce Drennan. I need a Xanax.


Upstate Underdog said...

Surely there is room on the list for JP Losman's 4 tournovers

J Beanie said...


I love it.

But to complete your list...
The Chief for blowing a huge lead;
Jeff Fisher for going for it on 4th down instead of attempting the GW field goal;
The Cardinals for letting the Vikings destroy them which wouldn't be that bad if it was AP who did the damage but it was Tarvaris Jackson;
Eli Manning and the Giants.

GMoney said...

Beanie, considering that you've been a lifelong loser, I'm not sure what you're trying to say here.

UU, that's on Jauron more than it is Losman. But hey, at least you gave Dickie an extension for 3 mroe years!!!

Mr. Ace said...

Hear that Bengal growlin' mean and angry
Here he comes a prowlin' lean and hungry
An offensive brute
Run, pass or boot
And defensively he's rough, tough
Cincinnati Bengals
That's the team we're going to cheer to victory
Touchdown Bengals get some points upon that board
And win a game for Cincinnati

Go Bengals!

Upstate Underdog said...

Truw, G$. and don't remind me about the Jauron extension.

GMoney said...

Mr. Ace, that is the worst song ever. But it gets stuck in your head. I've been reciting that "offensive brute" line all morning.

Tony B. said...

161 (total yards for Cedric Benson) x .001 = Benson's blood/alcohol content during the game yesterday.

J Beanie said...

I was completing your normal list of suckiness that went on in the NFL yesterday. You were too busy pooping while you team was getting pooped on to notice anything else so I was informing you who sucked yesterday.

Anonymous said...

Sorry the Bengals won G$.. LOL. Yeah that Gook BJ Dealer didn't say much. I should have tipped him. FUCK IT! They have gotten enough of my money over the last year or so.

Anonymous said...

a new gig and new office, and thus I am reduced to reading your daily trash in the evening. That said, you and Big Ben can blow it all out your ass, all of it. You did not deserve that 'W' last night!

--the Wig Master