Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Worst. Gifts. Ever.

Are you still struggling to complete your Christmas shopping? Did someone at your office just give you something today and now you feel obligated to do likewise? Are you a complete idiot that has no idea what people want? Do you want to make sure that your gift is so awful that no one will ever give you anything ever again?

Let me help you out. For some strange reason, I haven't been watching nearly as much TV recently as I usually do. But, I still can't escape these products. People, we are currently experiencing a Golden Age in crappy gifts. I like to think that I have found the three dumbest ideas on the planet. If you hate your co-workers as much as I do, pick up some of these things, hand it to them, and make a mental note of their reaction. That's the gift that truly keeps on giving all year long.

Mighty Putty
Fuck Billy Mays in the ass. This dickbag has been on TV for years now hawking products that absolutely suck. He came out with Oxy-Clean when I was in college and we bought a big pail of it to clean up our dump of a place. Do you know what that stuff is made out of? Chalk and pureed tampons. It doesn't work. And now he's got Mighty Putty. The stuff that will allow you to pick up a cinder block. Because, you know, EVERYONE is missing a chain link at some point in their lives and that cinder block isn't going to move itself. My favorite part of this infomercial is when they craft a new handle for a coffee mug. Listen, asshole Americans, for what you spend on this shit, you could buy 4 mugs. I want to kill Billy Mays.

Chia Herbs!
I don't know how Chia Pets work. I don't want to know either. This year, the fine people at that company are unleashing the Chia Herb Garden on the world. Why go out and buy fresh basil for your pasta when you could make it out of Chia!!! That is fucking disgusting. I wouldn't feed Chia Herbs to my co-workers and I hate them. Who is buying these products anyway? There is no excuse for the Chia company to still be in business. Yet every year, they keep finding ways to poison our society with their weirdo grass-growing technology.

The Snuggie!!!
Ah yes, the blanket with sleeves designed for old people and mental defectives. This combo of comfort together at last! What kind of a dipshit can't handle a blanket and his remote control at the same time? It looks like something that a fucking Jedi would wear. These aren't the droids you're looking for. Apparently, She-Money owns one of these things...I'm so embarrassed. But this is the same woman that asked for a coat rack for Christmas so what else should I expect. I wonder if she got that nifty little book-light that comes free with the Snuggie. If one of the biggest problems in your life is "blanket positioning", why don't you just jump in front of a bus already.

I've done what I can, people. The balls in your court now to ruin someone's Christmas. Oh, the roommate got a shot glass in a Secret Santa that said "Alcohol brings out the gay in me". Something like that for your boss would be nice. But you could just tell them, "drinking anything brings out the gay in you!" Am I right? High five?


Grumpy said...

Hilarious! I've got Mrs. Grumpy convinced she's getting a Snuggie.

Anonymous said...

My favorite part of that Snuggie commercial is when they are wearing them at some sort of sporting event. They look like they are members of a cult.

-Lil' Strut

Grumpy said...

Or escapees from a monastery.