Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Tony Romo Is Fully Baked

OK, I'm starting to feel some sympathy toward Tony Romo. He can't win a big game in December. His teammates continually talk bad about him. He's kind of being accused of favoring his white best friend and not throwing to the other less-white options in his offense. And he's getting his golf clubs out early this year. Sure, Romo is banging a former pop culture icon and all, but when you are the starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, you've got win Super Bowls. The debacle on the field in Philadelphia should have been the end of it. You would think that that would have been enough of a buzzkill. But it wasn't. The problems didn't stop for Tony even after the final whistle was blown on the Cowboys' season.

Tony Romo, following the embarrassing loss to the Eagles, collapsed in the shower due to a rib injury. But something is fishy about this story. Was he shanked by Roy Williams? Did he fake it for some sympathy? Was he just doing an impression of himself on the field by curling up in the fetal position?

No, no. I know what it is. The Dallas Cowboys locker room is so divided that it turned into a real-life version of the prison scenes from Half Baked. Follow me here. So after the game, Tony and Jason Witten are enjoying a nice warm shower together when a still pissed off T.O. approaches them foaming at the mouth:

Jason "Squirrel Master" Witten: Back up Nasty Nate, this my bitch!
Terrell "Nasty Nate" Owens: Better watch your back Fish! Squirrel Master ain't gonna be there for you all the time. Next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some cocktail... FRUIT!
Tony: Here take it! [walks away with Squirrel Master] I'm somebody's bitch!

Still distraught over the confrontation in the shower, Romo spills his guts to his agent, Jessica Simpson and Joe Simpson before boarding the team bus to the airport:

Tony: You guys gotta get me out of here! There's this guy Nasty Nate who wants my cocktail fruit, and everyone here likes fresh fish! Then The Squirrel Master came out of left field and told me I'm his bitch!

But it's not that easy, Tony. Oh no, you are doomed to rot away in Big D for at least the next few years!!! No. NO. NO! Devil man! Devil 6-6-6, the mark of the beast! No! Naughty! Naughty jungle of love! You just know that Romo is counting down the days before he can leave the Cowboys for good.

To complete this well crafted Half Baked/Dallas Cowboys analogy:
Jerry Jones = Samson Simpson (Candy makes you dandy.)
Sir Smoke-A-Lot = Pacman Jones (He had sex with my mama!)
The Guy On The Couch = Wade Phillips (Hey, is it January?)


J Beanie said...

Kind of a stretch don't you think?

I would have went with the Tomo collapsed to make it easier for the train to finishing raping him.

Mr. Ace said...

That was a perfect opportunity for a shawshank analogy, and you wasted it on half-baked.

GMoney said...

But there was never a shower scene in Shawshank! If the Cowboys were fucking each other in the library, I would have done that.

Beanie, a stretch? Really? Is there ever a bad time to bring up Nasty Nate? I think not.

Mr. Ace said...

There was too a shower scene. When Dufresne first gets there, they are in the community shower. That is when Boggs asks him if anybody has gotten to him yet. And Dufresne walks away and then rooster says hard to get, I like that. YOU BLEW IT!!!

GMoney said...

I tricked you! You know way too many details about man-on-man prison fucking!

Maybe if someone in Shawshank had a pet squirrel named Fuzzynuts, I would have went that route.

Tony B. said...

Since you dislike Romo so much, you could've used an American History X comparison- though T.O. wouldn't be in the Aryan Brotherhood and the results would be a lot less humorous.

Mac G said...

I hope this is the last thing that I read about the Dallas Cowboys organization until the NFL draft but I have a funny feeling Ed Werder will never stop dishing out the "scoop" on a 9-7 non playoff team.