Wednesday, December 03, 2008

South Bend Over

There really isn't much to talk about today. I don't want to write anything more about Plaxico. I don't care about Michael Phelps being named Down's Syndrome Athlete of the Year by Sports Illustrated. So I figured that I would allow you into my personal life today. On this Wednesday, you will be introduced to a minor, but important, piece of my life. And I will use that tale as a well-constructed metaphor for what is happening at Notre Dame. You ready? Let's go.

Obviously, the night before Thanksgiving in your hometown is a big night. The bars are packed with a ton of people that are back home for the holidays and you get to catch up with a bunch of people that you really don't care about and won't even register in your mind again until the next Thanksgiving Eve. But it's a great night to get shit-faced. It's fantastic. Hell, it happened to me this year because it happens to me every year. I ended up drinking a bottle of champagne at 3 am (AKA what normal, civilized 28 year old young professionals don't do anymore). I tied one on as the kids might say.

So I get back to my parents place in the morning and am enjoying an entire pot of coffee while bitching at my mom for having expired cream in the fridge. I borrow my sister's laptop because I don't feel like moving but still want to see what's going on in the blogosphere (even your toxic wasteland, Beanie!). I finish the coffee and she and my mom take the dogs for a walk. Then the coffee rumbles start up the likes of which can only be felt when you are hungover and have chugged 60 ounces of java. The bubbles are starting to grow their own bubbles. I had just started reading Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jambaroo at Deadspin when I decided to go for it. Fuck it. Who would ever know anyway?

I took my sister's laptop into the shitter with me.

Unfortunately, she came home while the kids were still being dropped off at the pool. I panicked. This was going to look bad. Really bad. She's kind of a mega bitch anyway and this wasn't going to go over well. I heard her ask aloud where her computer was. The footsteps were getting louder on her way to the bathroom door. I was frozen. No lie was coming to my head to get me off for this. Then she spoke:
Sister: Where is my computer?
G$: Uh, ummm, uh, I don't know.
Sister: You took it in there with you, didn't you?
G$: Ummm, uh, no.
Sister: Dammit, (real first name redacted), you are never using my computer ever again. There is probably shit on it.
G$: I've got to admit, that was a pretty horrible thing to do.

A day later, her 800 pound golden retriever needed a bath and I had to help lift that sumbitch into the tub. It was quite a fucking chore and my back will never be the same. But with that good deed, she granted me laptop privileges again. The wrong had been righted. It was as if "Poopgate" never happened and all that it cost me was my lower lumbar.

Now, let's compare this story of complete assholism to Notre Dame. My sister would be the university, I would unfortunately be Charlie Weis, and the laptop is the football program. The school trusted me with the football program/laptop and 5 minutes later, I took it into the shitter to enjoy some lovely hangover dump. But the part that confuses me is that when it was a certainty that Weis would be fired/me never getting online from the recliner again, neither happened. I completed a selfless deed that damn near killed me to get me back in the computer's good graces. What the hell did Charlie do?

You've got to think that after 4 years, a trip to the International Bowl to lose to Western Michigan (or wherever they go and whoever they lose to), that that wouldn't be good enough. He's had a full cycle of players come through now so where is the improvement? I don't think that having your offense register it's first first down late in the 3rd quarter is as redeeming as lifting a dog the size of Beethoven. I guess I'm just old-fashioned.

Some things in life are just an enigma and one of those is how Charlie still has a stranglehold on a job that he was never qualified to have in the first place. At some point, my sister will forget about her computer being in the john with me on Thanksgiving morning. But the poo particles will stick to Notre Dame for at least a decade after Weis's fat ass is back on the Jersey Shore.

How about THAT for a well-crafted Charlie Weis/feces analogy? The first poop story on this blog truly was a classic.


Upstate Underdog said...

"her 800 pound golden retrieve"

Weis could have also been compared to the dog since he also weighs 800 lbs.

J Beanie said...

Thanks for checking out my toxic wasteland.

I'm sure you weren't just looking up blogs while in the bathroom.

And Charlie Weis is still there because he's not Ty Willingham. Or more accurately, he's white.

GMoney said...

Have you ever read the Jambaroo? It takes forever but is always worth it.

Anonymous said...

Finally, a post on this blog I actually agree with fullheartedly. I hate Charlie Weis more than any other coach I have ever hated in football at any level.

Some more Charlie Weis reading:

Here is an article written by the Chicago Tribune that talks about how he is an arrogant ass.,0,7497934.column?page=1

Also, believe it or not, there is a website devoted to KEEPING Charlie Cheeseburger. Check it out and look at their hilarious/delusional justifications.

Also, recently had an entire column devoted to Charlie Weis being a piece of shit.

All of it is good reading if you hate Charlie "Cheeseburger" Weis's arrogant ass.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

What the Fuck?!!!

ND is keeping this fat fuck for a 5th season.

Anonymous said...

Last post by:

-Lil' Strut

Mr. Ace said...

Wow, I have never been so happy about another team keeping a coach. Hallelujah, Touchdown Jesus!

saul hudson said...

This still doesn't explain why you were in sweat pants out in public on Thanksgiving night?!?!

GMoney said...

Because I'm always looking to be comfortable, that's why! And since when has Glick's house been considered out in public?

Anyway, I'm not a laptop guy obviously, but what is everyone's opinion on taking it into the john with you?

Upstate Underdog said...

newspaper and porn mags only for me in the shitter. I'm busy enough in there without a lap top.

Anonymous said...

Ballsy move G$. If I were in her situation, knowing that my computer was sitting on your naked lap would haunt me every time I used my computer from there on. But if you didn't get caught then no harm, no foul. Kind of like "Stinkpalming" like they did on Mallrats, the damage has been done to a clueless victim.

-Lil' Strut

Mr. Ace said...

Thats why you should have a blackberry, or something of the sort. Nothing like a good game of blaster ball and reading the post while dropping a deuce.

Grumpy said...

If you can't stay off the computer long enough to take a dump, then sorry guy, but you have some real issues.

Anonymous said...

I'm only a bitch to you because you're an asshole 200% of the time.

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