Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The Simpson Redemption

Guess what? OJ Simpson was sentenced to an extremely extended stay in prison last week! That's not breaking news or anything but no one (that I've read at least) is exploring the consequences of this. Now that Fred Goldman is done chest-bumping anyone that will listen to him while Lt. Frank Drebin weeps in the corner, it's time to shift our focus a bit. Let's look at the residual effects of OJ heading to the can*.

*I admit it, I did not think of this topic. It was brought up to me by my shit-faced roommate on Saturday night. He could barely speak fluent English, probably doesn't remember it anyway, and not only doesn't have a blog, but would struggle to turn on a computer. So fuck him, I'm taking credit for this.

First of all, and Peter King wrote about this better than I ever could in his MMQB column this week, Canton can't do shit to OJ. The Hall of Fame is for on-field achievements and doesn't focus on extracurriculur activities. I mean, come on, no one is asking for Jim Brown or Michael Irvin to get dumped and they respectively punched women for fun and stabbed teammates in the neck with scissors. And all that OJ was guilty for, technically, was being a tad over-zealous when it came to getting back his property. Honestly, I would love to have my bust next to The Juice. People would walk by OJ's and immediately get disgusted. Then they would stumble onto my face and say things like, "I've never heard of this guy, but he's much, MUCH better than that last guy." And that's my goal in be one better than the worst.

Now. Let's get to the part where we dive into the inner-psyche of OJ Simpson. This guy, per the rules of winning, votes for the Heisman Trophy winner every year. I'm quite certain that he doesn't show up to the ceremony (and he definitely won't now), but OJ freaking Simpson still helps decide the most prestigious award in sports. If memory serves me, if you win a Heisman, you vote for the winner until you die. So what the hell happens now? What is OJ's criteria for deeming who is deserving? Has he been watching games in the clink? Does he even have a TV? How does he have the foundation to make an educated selection? I would imagine that, much like the Hall of Fame, they can't take his vote away for being worthless (they still let Gino Toretta and Jason White vote!). So does he get a ballot from the D.A.C. via prison mail? What if the warden forgets to mail it back? These are questions that need to be answered! WHO DID THE JUICE VOTE FOR THIS YEAR!!!

Here's my suggestion of how can we build up OJ Simpson's reputation again. It's time for The Juice to start gaining some favor back with the American public. Obviously, there are a handful of families that will never forgive him but college football fans are fickle and easily swayed.

Let's get the NCAA to stock OJ's cell with ten plasmas and make him watch every single televised college football game. He can pay for the ESPN Game Plan package in cigarettes if need be. It's not like he has anything better to do once he's done lifiting weights and cleaning the bathroom. We make OJ Simpson THEE go-to guy when it comes to all things college football. An expert. He gets his own poll. Hell, scrap the BCS entirely and allow OJ free reign on assigning the BCS championship game and all other bowl games. After all, no one will have watched as much football as he will. You throw out the computers and the voters and the stupid coaches poll and give that responsibility to one man who knows every team better than he knows his own cell. If we can get The Juice to take this as seriously as he did football, acting, and the love for his wife, this will be a massive success!

This will work. It has to. It makes too much sense. OJ Simpson needs to run all of college football. The Juice can free us all of the BCS's tyranny.


J Beanie said...

I like it. OJ needs to be on TV in one way or another. It's either this, or team him up with Leslie Nielson and have them be bounty hunters for a reality TV show.

Tony B. said...

"Frame OJ? Well, hell. I really love those Naked Gun movies- but you're right. It's just too good. We have got to get that son of a bitch!"

-- old Dana Carvey stand-up where he impersonates Bill Clinton framing OJ.

THN said...

Genius idea.