Thursday, December 18, 2008

Santa Blogs Is Coming


We are one week away from Christmas or whatever the hell else people celebrate. It's a time for giving and sharing and other stuff. Apparently, Jesus was born around this time but us Americans have completely forgotten about that. But it's the one time of the year where people get you much better presents than you get them. "Oh, thanks for the Wii, mom and dad, I hope you like the paperweight that I just got you!"

Anyway, we've had a pretty fun year here at The Money Shot and I figured that today, I would give back to you. Not all of you though. Any dipshit can read this site. But it takes something special to post comments and add to the discussion on a daily basis. THAT is who I am rewarding today. So I've got my "Santa Blogs" costume on (seriously, it took me 5 hours to think of that name and it still sucks but how great is it that I found a pic of a Santa flaunting a wad of cash...I guess I could have went with St. Prick now that I think about it) and it's time to reward my faithful commenters:

To commenter, Stiles, Santa Blogs has given you: I've installed a microscopic camera inside the shower of Amy Robach for you. Now I have no idea who this broad is, but you keep pining about her so I'm giving her to you. Enjoy the constant masturbation!

To commenter, Dustin, Santa Blogs has given you: This photo, available on eBay NOW, of Braylon Edwards. What makes this so special, you ask? Well, it's Braylon doing what he does best...dropping passes. And it comes with a free frame!

To commenter, Lil' Strut, Santa Blogs has given you: Some headphones. Now these aren't your average Bose pieces of shit. Nope, these things drown out only one particular noise...your brother's voice! You'll thank me later.

To commenter, The Wig Master, Santa Blogs has given you: As a Bowling Green alum, I can only imagine the kind of filth that eminates out of your junk on a daily basis. So I'm thinking that you could use a good chuckle. That's why I'm giving you the DVD of "The Best of Kyle Owen Spiess". All of his tasteless remarks and behaviors in one place for the first time! Cherish this beauty.

To commenter, Grumpy, Santa Blogs has given you: Grump, considering that you started the initial "Fire Shane Montgomery" site, I want to give you something that you (and I) desperately need again...a winning college football team. It's going to happen, dammit.

To commenter, JBeanie, Santa Blogs has given you: I struggled trying to come up with something truly special for you, Beanie. But I think I've got it. Santa Blogs is giving you the job of Cleveland Indians closer. I figured that you can't be any worse than Kerry Wood, Joe-Bo, Wickman, or Jose Mesa...so why the fuck not? Now go get that arm in shape. If Eric Wedge has shown, if you can throw 82 mph, you can close for him.

To commenter, Tony B, Santa Blogs has given you: Tony, your gift last year of "no more Rex Grossman" was a mighty good one. That's going to be hard to top. This year, I'm going to make life easy on you. For the rest of your life, the Chicago Cubs will never make the playoffs again. Because, come on, they aren't going to win it anyway, you might as well not have to lose sleep about it.

To commenter, Irishman, Santa Blogs has given you: Due to your love of Notre Dame football, I'm getting you the gift that every Irish fans needs: The Charlie Weis Kitchen! It's a deep-fryer, a bucket of lard, a pubic hair trimmer, a lifetime supply of bacon-wrapped chicken gizards, and another deep fryer! Touchdown Jesus will need a Touchdown Defibrulator.

To commenter, Drew, Santa Blogs has given you: 5 minutes. Brass knuckles. Steel-toed boots. Immunity from the law. Matt Millen. Due your best because once those 5 minutes are up, you're done.

To commenter, Upstate Underdog, Santa Blogs has given you: 3 year extension be damned! I'm going to do something for you that may jeopardize my future as a free citizen. I'm going to kidnap Dick Jauron's entire family and force him to resign. Then I will take JP Losman and Trent Edwards to Niagara Falls where they will mysteriously go missing. Finally, I hire Turner Gill to be the first ever starting QB/head coach in NFL history. Can you say "Super Bowl"?

To commenter, Damman, Santa Blogs has given you: This wonderful Derek Anderson 2008 Pro Bowl jersey! This will always remind you of the greatest QB to ever play for the Browns. The retail value of this beauty has to be at least $10,000. I've also included in this package a dinner date with you, Bruce Drennan, and Gene Winters.

To commenter, GSaul, Santa Blogs has given you: I'm giving you the now vacated job of Michigan Defensive Coordinator. You Big Blue fans think you have all of the answers, don't you? Prove it. If Santa Blogs could make a suggestion, the "punt block" defense in Madden games is always great. Send ten guys after the QB on every play!

To commenter, Mr. Ace, Santa Blogs has given you: Being the only Eagles fan that I know, you are getting something that all Eagles fans want. No, not a Super Bowl title because that's never going to happen again. But you get a game-worn Andy Reid parka body suit thing that he wears when it's cold and makes him look like Yokozuna. If you pair this with the Charlie Weis Kitchen, you will fill it out in no time.

To commenter, Glick, Santa Blogs has given you: Now, you are the only human being on the planet with an Atlanta Falcons Eric Metcalf jersey. I'm sure it doesn't fit anymore. So I'm replacing it for you. And before you bitch about how you don't need this gift, THIS jersey won't have nearly as many "man-stains" on it as your current one does.

Say thank you, everyone. If you feel that Santa Blogs forgot about you, you should probably start crafting better and more frequent comments. I'm sure Santa Blogs could take a dump in your stocking if you really want something. Let's hope that 2009 is as great here as 2008 was. Ho's! Ho's! Ho's! Bye, bye, Santa Blogs. See you next year!

15 comments:

Grumpy said...

I'm happy with my present and appreciate your generosity, but do you think I could have an Amy Robach photo too? I'll settle for Erin Burnett if you have one of those.

Upstate Underdog said...

thanks G$. Gill as head coach and starting QB of the Bills is two gifts for the price of one.

Irishman said...

Thanks G$. Mr. Weis will never starve again. How did you know bacon-wrapped chicken gizards were my favorite? Thanks again

Charlie Weis.

J Beanie said...

The arm is ready to go. I'm working on my Beanie Ball. It's where I cover the ball with cum and as it spins towards home plate, cum splatters on to the batters face and he is reminded of the first time the veteran player played soggy biscuit with his face when he was a rookie and therefore distracting him long enough for the pitch to go right by him.

GMoney said...

Jesus, Beanie, that was a bit much. Ironically, Roger Clemens made a living out of throwing that pitch.

Tony B. said...

Thanks G$- I would've settled for a 1989 Jerome Walton jersey, but crushing my hopes as a Cubs fan works well too.

I'd love to give you 243 million dollars to spend on pitching but apparently I was beat to the punch.

Anonymous said...

Thanks G$, do the headphones come with a fist that extends out of them to hit him in the jaw, because I always thought that was the only way to shut his ass up.

-Lil' Strut

Dustin said...

Thanks g$!! However, I would have preferred an inappropriate email from Phil savage... Maybe next year?

GMoney said...

There's ALWAYS next year, Dut. Isn't that the slogan for Cleveland anyway?

Tony, I detect some sarcasm in that response...

Mr. Ace said...

Wow, thanks G$. And I found a full bottle of prescription drugs and a 9mm in the pockets. Sweet.

Oh, and santa blogs, I hope you didn't drink the "milk".... That's what Beanie was dipping the baseballs in. But if you did oh well, duts mom swallows all the time and she doesn't get sick.

Tony B. said...

Sarcasm? During the Holidays? Never...

KPietsch said...

Everyone else not listed receives a free ipod handed out by Marisa Miller. Kudos for posting that picture.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the gift. I will use the jersey for ass wiping purposes and you can't beat a night on the town with Bruce Drennan. IIIIIIIIIIIIIII love ya Cleveland!

For you I have an ass whooping in the G$FL Super Bowl and an autographed Tyler Hansbrough jersey.

How the hell does Glick get a present? He's commented on here like four times.

-Damman

Allan Stokke said...

*tear rolls down cheek* *plays "If I were a boy"*

Anonymous said...

Thank you St. Prick! Strange, but that Santa with the Philadelphia bank roll looked a lot like a G$ family member. Was that Gdad getting ready to hit Platinums on X-mas eve?

--the Wig Master