Thursday, December 04, 2008
I'm in the middle of reading "Men With Balls" by Drew Magary. It's a "guidebook" to teach athletes how to act like athletes. It is hilarious. Yesterday, I read about new and inventive ways for players to celebrate. And it really got me thinking. A few weeks ago, the Giants had a fullback that scored and his touchdown celebration was him miming the act of rowing a boat. Rowing? Is that what we've sunk to? Athletes are prima donnas--START ACTING LIKE IT AGAIN! It's just a fine, I'm quite certain that you jerks can afford it.
But one thing that I did begin to think about was what would I do if I scored a touchdown in the NFL. I mean, in high school, I kicked an extra point during my last home game (one of these days, that video will be broadcasted here) and my celebration was just a ho-hum "it's good" gesture. I can't believe that in my greatest moment of triumph on the gridiron, my reaction was so mundane. I still hate myself for it. The coach thought it was cute to put his starting right tackle on the field to straight kick a one-pointer, I should have made myself a legend. I should have made them regret that decision. What the fuck did I care anyway, it was my last game. I needed to get that 15 yard unsportsmanlike penalty. I needed to be an innovator. Like doing this stuff:
Basketball Moves Not Yet Explored
You see idiots all the time slam-dunking the ball over the goal post. That isn't cool anymore. I'm a 5'9" dynamo with about a 4 inch vertical. How great would it be if I went up for that dunk but missed the mark by six feet only to fall on my face? I would be a YouTube sensation! Or how about this: you score, immediately run to the five yard line with one of your teammates, have him play defense on you, do pump fakes and whatnot, and end it with a 3 point bomb through the uprights. Classic.
This seems like something that T.O. would do when they play the Giants in a few weeks. He scores, fake pulls a gun out, and then shoots himself in the leg. The Dallas crowd would eat it up. But not to be outdone or embarrassed like that, Brandon Jacobs would return the favor to T.O. by mock swallowing a bunch of pills and going to sleep. Athlete stupidity...is there anything better?
Remember when Joe Buck went crazy after Randy Moss wiped his ass on the Lambeau goalpost a few years ago? It's time to take it up a notch. Score and immediately set the ball on the ground so your teammates don't ruin this. Act like you're unzipping your pants and fake whip it out (you could actually do it, but the cops would ruin the celebration). The deeper the knee bend to show how much of a chore it is to unleash your beast, the funnier. Stand there for a minute or so fake pissing (putting your hands on your waist adds to the hilarity) and wait for Joe Buck's head to explode. Then, and only then, is your celebration over.
You all have heard/scene the "Black Power" salute that was done at the Mexico City Olympics, right? Well, try this on for size. Peyton Manning scrambles for a touchdown run on Sunday against the Bengals. As soon as he breaks the plane, he just holds his fist up in the air. I'm fairly certain that the entire stadium would fall deathly silent due to the mass confusion. He holds it for say, 20 seconds, and then acts like nothing happened.
Air Wanking. Grabbing your opponent and shoving his head in your crotch. Pointing to your junk and then at your head coach. Running behind a cheerleader and mock sodomizing her. This is a completely untapped source of comedy here. How great would it be if on Sunday, Hines Ward scores on Pacman Jones and he starts dry-humping him? The smile on Ward's face, while usually annoying, would for once be awesome.
This is pretty self-explanatory. Koren Robinson scores, two of his teammates lift up his legs, and he acts like he's doing a keg stand in the endzone. It works on so many levels, you see, because Koren is what we normal people like to call "a drunk". This would also work for Kerry Collins.
A Tribute To Dale
Mo Jones-Drew rumbles into the endzone. He gathers his entire offense around him and acts like he's letting them onto a bus. He mimes closing the door. He starts fake driving while his teammates are going along with the schtick. But he runs into the goal post at full speed and--well, you know how it ends. Not classy at all, but the choreography would be breathtaking. And in the end, isn't that what it's all about?
The Bald Bull
The name of this celebration is not concrete, but I just want to see someone dance around like any of the fighters on Mike Tyson's Punch-Out. Shaun Rogers could do a great King Hippo if he tried. Anthony Gonzalez doing a bunch of Soda Popinski upper cuts (they look exactly the same anyway). Hell, even Brad Childress could get into the mix by doing what his dad, Von Kaiser, did. Now, if you really want to impress the world, pull off the Great Tiger invisible/disappearing routine. THAT would be a sight to behold.
Look, I'm just trying to help a stale product. No one wants to see the Ickey Shuffle come back, but would it hurt you NFL players to actually give us something new and entertaining. If I see the stupid Ray Lewis Dance one more time, some poor kitten is going to die. And by no means should props EVER be used. There is a reason that no one likes Carrot Top. Be as original and as tasteless as possible.