Wednesday, December 31, 2008

In The Year 2009


Today, we are going to get out the official crystal ball of The Money Shot and predict the upcoming year. Yes, we are stealing this bit from Conan O'Brien but he has been gracious enough to stop on by and help us out. We collaborated on this effort last year about this time and are bringing it back by popular demand. We've also enlisted the services of the playoff-bound, and apparently exhausted, Philadelphia Eagles coach, Andy Reid! Wake up, Andy, you've got some high notes to hit! Let's get this going...

G$: "... It's time, once again, to look into the future."
Conan O'Brien: "The future, G$?"
G$: "That's right, Conan. Let's look to the future, all the way to the year 2009!"

Andy: In the year 2009...In the year 2009...

G$: In the year 2009, Raiders owner and imcompetent malcontent, Al Davis, will finally die. While the city of Oakland will rejoice and DVD sales of Tales From The Crypt will sky-rocket, the impact will be catastrophic to three major cottage industries: the leather windsuit, embalming fluid, and old man salve markets.
Andy: In the year 2009...In the year 2009...

Conan: After shocking the world by winning the AL East and making the World Series last year, Rays manager, Joe Maddon, will top that this year by admitting that he is, in fact, an old lesbian. This will lead to a series of commercials in which he beats the Geico Caveman in tennis and still no one will laugh.
Andy: In the year 2009...In the year 2009...

G$: Notre Dame coach, Charlie Weis, on the hottest of hot seats in South Bend, will become so engrossed and dedicated to winning, that he will completely forget about eating and show up at the Spring Game weighing a slimmed-down 195 pounds. The excess 400 pounds of fat that he lost will be encased in the coaches booth as a reminder of what he used to be. But upon closer inspection, that fat pile will actually be his old friend, Romeo Crennel.
Andy: In the year 2009...In the year 2009...

Conan: Michael Phelps, still cashing in on his Olympic glory and horrendous appearances on Saturday Night Live and Entourage in 2008, will hit it big with his very own buddy comedy on The CW. It will also star Erik Estrada and be titled, yes that's right, Fish and Chips.
Andy: In the year 2009...In the year 2009...

G$: To create more drama for the NBA playoffs, Paul Pierce will get sweat in his eyes during warm-ups and will have to be life-flighted to a nearby hospital. Seeing this act before, Rasheed Wallace will bring Javier Bardem's sweet gun from No Country For Old Men to the tip-off and put Pierce all out of his self-induced misery. The drama queen sideshow is laid to rest once and for all. Rasheed will be immediately inducted into the Awesome Hall of Fame.
Andy: In the year 2009...In the year 2009...

Conan: We finally get what we all want by having Michael J. Fox's Teen Wolf fight Jason Bateman's Teen Wolf Too at a UFC pay-per-view. Bateman gets the early lead in the battle, but Fox's constant Parkinson's shaking throws off Bateman's equilibrium and the original Teen Wolf defies the odds and gets the victory after TW Too suffers an epileptic seizure.
Andy: In the year 2009...In the year 2009...

G$: Bristol Palin's newborn son, taking after his mother and grandmother, immediately starts bareback humping all of the other babies in the hospital nursery. He manages to get each female baby pregnant and begins his army to kill all bears in the world just like grandma would want. Mike Ditka, Alonzo Spellman, and Steve "Mongo" McMichael, upon hearing the news, travel together up to Alaska and begin eating every baby born in the past 6 months.
Andy: In the year 2009...In the year 2009...

Conan: After a government investigation into ESPN's hiring practices to try and determine why Pam Ward is employed by the company, it will be revealed that she is the spawn of Lee Corso and pool shark, Karen Corr. You can begin cringing now.
Andy: In the year 2009...In the year 2009...

G$: I will finally get around to doing what I've always wanted to do: writing the great American novel. It's a heroic tale of an unpaid blogger eating bacon, banging porn stars, and fighting crime. He may or may not travel back in time for some reason. His best friend is a talking pie. I think he wears a cape. The preliminary title is "Blogman and The Case of the Bacon-Wrapped Titties". I smell Pulitzer.
Andy: In the year 2008...In the year 2008...

Conan: In the year 2009, G$ will actually go see Paul Blart: Mall Cop. That's the joke. He actually finds Kevin James funny. Fat guys have got to stick together but it wouldn't be that hard if they would just wash the chicken grease off of their hands.
Andy: In the year 2009...In the year 2009...

Alright, that was fun, wasn't it? No? Well, you don't run this site, I do and I think that it was great. If you've never seen the sketch, then I apologize for the reptitive nature of Andy Reid. I would like to thank Conan and Andy for helping me out again with my prediction blog. Thanks, guys. I really should be a comedy writer. My words today are already funnier than anything Craig Ferguson has said in 15 years. We'll be back Friday with a half-assed post about the NFL playoffs.

Be safe out there tonight, all you deviants. I'm going to need you out of jail/hospital to keep the hits coming.

8 comments:

J Beanie said...

The only thing is the guy Andy played, only says "in the year 2000" once between jokes, alternating from normal to a high singing almost question like form of the phrase. You should know that.

I did enjoy the jokes though. But my attention faded towards the end.

Could have come through with a "In the year 2009, Yankees will have spent so much money on players, their buffet after games is nothing but cold cuts and potato salad, throw in a disappointing .500 record and looking up at the Rays in the standings, a hungry, thinning C.C. Sabathia eats Nick Swisher, Matsui, and Alex Rodriguez has he tries to hit up the American, Japanese and Latino food his is used to eating after games."

Or...

"In the year 2009, the Cavs win the NBA Championship and LeBron signs an extension to stay in Cleveland."

GMoney said...

I thought that La Bamba (the year 2000 high voice guy), alternated between one and two 2000's? Oh well, I haven't religiously watched Conan since college anyway and don't remember.

Hey, I like both of your jokes (last one for it's realness). Maybe I'll take you with me when I'm hired as the head comedy writer at Last Call with Carson Daly.

Anonymous said...

Damn, Beanie calling out Gmoney for his inaccuracy. Good stuff.

Let the CC fat jokes begin.

-Damman

Tony B. said...

Fish and Chips! Nice G$!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87soTsQjf5Y

GMoney said...

Thank you, Tony. I thought that that was my best joke.

Upstate Underdog said...

I refuse to wash the chicken grease off my hands. Good day, sir.

Grumpy said...

"...fish & chips". Got my laugh for today. It was your best one today.

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