Friday, December 12, 2008

I'm A Joke Maker

Today, we're talking about hilarity. If there is one thing that I like to think that I know (other than everything), it's what is and isn't funny. You can't write an awful blog without being able to dabble in utterly tasteless humor. Do I take unfair potshots at people and joke about things that aren't funny? You bet. Why? Because in the current state of the world, I feel that a well-crafted AIDS joke or a casual racist analogy is just what we need to turn the corner as a society. I suppose that that makes me some sort of a Renaissance Man.

But not everyone is funny. In fact, due to my high standards for who I'm willing to laugh with, I find most comedians and comedic actors to be unfunny. One exception would be Jim Gaffigan who just accepted my friend request on Facebook. Oh yeah, we're totally best friends (Hot Pockets!). Today, I'm unloading a laundry list of people that I absolutely loathe who consider themselves joke makers. I tried to rank them, but they all suck so I'm just giving out my list in no particular order:

Ray Romano - His hilarious SNL episode aside, Raymond is the worst sitcom of all time.
Brad Garrett - And this is why it is the worst show ever...I can do a pretty fair impression of this lurchy asshole though. Don't forget about 'Til Death! Man, Garrett is totally going to Hell with that resume.
Dane Cook - There is no stand-up today less funny than Cook. Oh, you're going to tell a ten minute story and then get to a punchline that isn't funny? Sign me up!
Carlos Mencia - You weren't funny the first time I heard you...when you were George Lopez. I get it. You're a Mexican that likes to play up stereotypes that even I don't find funny.
Robin Williams - The last time he was funny was in Good Morning, Vietnam and that was almost 2 decades ago. Shave your arms and call me when you have a new routine.
Jim Belushi - Did you know that According To Jim is still cranking out new episodes? Do you know anyone that cares?
Kathy Griffin - By far, the most awful woman on the planet. Calling her a D-List celeb is insulting to other D-Listers like The Two Coreys or Joe The Plumber.
Jim Carrey - Yeah, you should probably just go away. Yes Man looks fucking terrible.
Hal Sparks - I love those "I Love The" shows on Vh1...except for when Sparks throws out his terrible comments. Give me more Michael Ian Black and feel free to inject Hal with feline AIDS.
Jon Stewart - The Daily Show is apparently popular. I don't know why. Stewart is truly awful.
David Spade - What a whiny little bitch. You've got to wonder if he would even have a career had Farley and Sandler not let him ride their coattails. It speaks volumes of your humor when Rob Schneider is funnier than you.
Seth Meyers - Head writer and Weekend Update douche on SNL now...squirrelly little cunt. He had the worst John Kerry impression ever (even worse than Caliendo's W and that is atrocious).
Anyone that was on MadTV other than Artie Lange - Do I even need to elaborate? That show makes According To Jim look like Cheers.
The Blue Collar Assholes other than Ron White - Redneck did this ever become popular? Larry The Cable Queer is a movie star? The Bill Engvall Show? Shame on you, America.

and finally, the least funniest man on the planet...

Tyler Perry - On TBS...very funny! Not only is he ruining lives with House of Payne, I saw a commercial tonight for his new show, Meet The Browns (or something like that). I assume that this show is popular with the black community which leads me to one conclusion: we may need to start thinking about deporting black people. Not because they are bad or anything, but because they only encourage Tyler Perry to keep creating this shit.

Time for a discussion. Did I miss someone? Would you like to challenge any of these selections? It's a free-for-all today so whatever you want to talk about (fantasy football playoffs?), go ahead and shoot. I'll be back Monday after a woeful trip to the worst city in civilized America...Cincinnati!


Grumpy said...

Believe me, we don't want you in Cincy either. You don't think Kathy Griffin and Jon Stewart are funny? I hope the narc squad on I71 catches you.

J Beanie said...

What do you mean "Yes Man" looks horrible? Didn't that come out last year?

Remember that Tree House of Horror episode on the Simpsons where Bart and Homer get on a space ship headed for the sun and all the horrible comedians, like Rosie O'Donald, Jim Belushi, ALF, and whoever else are on the space ship too, and Bart and Homer can't wait until they blow up in the sun to kill themselves b/c they are surrounded by such suckiness? Yep, I think all these guys were on that ship too.

Upstate Underdog said...

Good list. You should do a list of who you think are funny, that most people don't know about. people like:
Will Arnett
Nick Swardson
David Koechner

Dustin said...

The greatest movie of all time- dumb and dumber- should make Jim Carrey ineligible for this list! Dane cook was hilarious about 5 years ago when he wasn't as big and came to bgsu... Since then I think he sucks. Larry the cable guy was hilarious the first time I saw him, but I lost all respect for him when he was at country concert. Its the same shit over and over again. Git r done!

GMoney said...

Beanie, Tom Arnold was on that rocket! WGN still plays episodes of ALF, too, in case you were wondering. Yes Man comes out next weekend (oh, instead of saying no, he says yes to everything...BRILLIANT!)

Swardson is great. My list of people that I find funny would start and end with Alec Baldwin. Even when he is screaming on his daughter's voicemail, the guy is always a stitch.

Dut, you should be ashamed of yourself. Why don't you put that shotgun in your mouth and git 'r dun!!!

J Beanie said...

Tom Arnold!!! That's right. And Paulie Shore!!! God that rocket would have sucked.

And yes, I know ALF is on WGN. I have it DVRing.

Matt said...

You deserve Cincitucky after knocking Jon Stewart.

Tony B. said...

I can't buy into everyone on the list because some of them at least used to be funny (Jim Carey, Dane Cook, Jon Stewart) but overall I do hate most of those so-called comedians. I can't believe you didn't put Jimmy Fallon, Jeff Dunham, and Katt Williams on the list.

As far as underrated- I'm seconding Will Arnett and Nick Swardson and adding Mitch Hedburg, Jay Mohr, Dana Gould and Larry Miller.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Tony. I can't believe Jimmy Fallon isn't on the list. One of my favorite Family Guy episodes was when, right after Jimmy Fallon took Meg's viginity, Peter kicks his ass not for that, but for being so unfunny.

-Lil' Strut

Mr. Ace said...

I must say, I generally agree with your list. Although, old school robin williams stand up is great, he sucks now. Ned Holness, aka carlos mencia, sucks balls. I am just waiting until Joe Rogan breaks his spine. I do like me some George Lopez tho.

Dut, larry the cable guy? You fucking hillbilly.

Nick Swardson is a better actor than stand up comedian. I saw one of his stand ups and there were so many recycled bits it was infuriating. Daniel Tosh is an underrated performer. He is kinda like G$ of stand up, he will offend anybody.

Lastly, I like Jon Stewart. I like him because his show is a perfect balance of laughs and real information. So maybe it isn't fair to compare him to some of the others because he isn't just a comedy act. Leave him alone, he may be the only Jew I like...even though he changed his name.

Eddie Murphy Delirious is the best stand up ever.

ognihs said...

i agree with mr. ace on stewart - hard to find a better balance of jokes/info.

brian regan could go on this list. cliched observational humor done in the voice of a retarded edward g. robinson? NOT FUNNY MOTHERFUCKER.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
GMoney said...

OK? What the fuck was that shit. Jon Stewart is a fucking loser.