Monday, November 10, 2008
I've reached my boiling point. I hate fantasy football. But clearly not as much as it hates me. 4 of the 10 weeks of this season, I've went 0-3 in my 3 money leagues. I suck at it. The more research that I do, the worse that I am. Let's take this week for example. On the precipice of another 0-3 week, I'm not even losing to good teams any more. The league douchebag in the G$FL starts Julius fucking Jones against me and the fantasy Gods failed to penalize him for that. In another league where I faced the mighty Wig Master, he beat me (unless Boldin scores 50 touchdowns tonight) with a lineup that featured the aforementioned Julius Jones AND HE STARTED DAUNTE CULPEPPER! I just don't know what to do anymore. I think that I'm doing what sane GM's would do yet I keep getting mule-kicked to the dick every weekend. It fucking sucks. It's ruining my enjoyment of the season. I hate you, Julius Jones. Let's get it on with the worst of--who gives a shit, I'm still depressed about how bad I am.
10. Joe Paterno - Thank you, Hawkeyes. Nobody wanted to see a Big Ten team get crushed in the national title game again. How about that though? Shitty McStankpants has it all lined up to head to Miami and he soils his diaper. The Big Ten is horrible. There is just no way around it. The best Big Ten team would finish last in the Big 12 South. Obviously, JoePa should retire but if he keeps doing hilarious commercials for the Big Ten Network, I hope that he sticks around another decade. COME TO PENN STAAAAAAATE!
9. Dine and Dash - Nice game yesterday, Chris Johnson and LardAss White. 50 some carries for -300 yards was quite an impressive feat. I don't know what's scarier: that Kerry Collins is QB'ing an undefeated team or that he's actually winning games on the road with his arm?
8. Jake Delhomme - 4 picks thrown against the Raiders, eh? Yeah, you're good. Who cares that they won the game, you can't ignore this performance coming off of a bye week. Teams that are 7-2 shouldn't have a QB that can't complete ten passes against the worst team in the AFC.
7. Daunte Culpepper - Why are you back in our lives? You sucked two years ago, only a mind-numbingly retarded organization would think that you could still play. Actually, that makes sense.
6. Ben Roethlisberger - Something is not right here and it's more than just his shoulder. He's holding onto the ball even longer than usual and absorbing way too many hits. I think that he's having a confidence problem. I get the feeling that he may be experiencing a level of shell-shock like David Carr. Obviously, I'm rooting for him, but something is different about him these days.
5. The St. Louis Rams (HERM! Edwards Memorial Spot) - Please, just leave the NFL. The Lions think that being down 40-0 at halftime is terrible. You know what the best part about this is? Somehow, these bags of awful beat the Redskins and the Cowboys. I will never truly understand the NFL.
4. Rex Grossman - I had the "privilege" of watching the Bears yesterday and it was surely a treat. I had forgotten about how much I love watching The Sex Cannon launch terrible throws all over the field. If he's not hanging his WR's out to dry, he loves missing his target by 20 feet. I thoroughly enjoyed the Bears faithful booing him after every incompletion. Hilarious.
3. Sage Rosenfels - The sad thing is that if I sat down, did some research, and tried to comprise a list of the worst QB's in the NFL, somehow Sage would probably not make the top 5. But he still sucks. He pulled an excellent Jake Delhomme impression against the Ravens with 4 picks, but unlike Body By Jake, he lost. Sage Rosenfels loses a lot though.
2. Aaron Rodgers - Fucking terrible. I just traded for this guy and that's probably why he was so God awful. Who gets two safeties??? Seriously, not even Dan Orlovsky could do that. The Vikings pass defense is atrocious yet Little Favre couldn't even juice 150 yards. Nice game. Speaking of that game, that was the most poorly played football game that I've seen all season. You would think that a 28-27 game would be good. You would be wrong. Those two teams suck balls.
1. Drew Brees - Enough already. Hairy Mole is not the MVP of the league. He's not the MVP of the NFC (Portis). He's not the MVP of the NFC South (Matt Ryan). I get it, he's a great QB to have in fantasy football. But the fact remains that he doesn't win on the road. They don't just lose on the road, they get killed. And I know what you're saying, "it's his defense". Fuck that. They didn't score a TD until late in the 3rd quarter yesterday. Enough about this mutant though, how about those Falcons. I'm still not 100% sold on them but they are playing their asses off every week.
SPECIAL MENTION!!! - Since I write this before the Sunday Nighter, I would be a pompous dicktard not to mention how shitty Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid are. The Eagles are who we thought they were: a team that beats the bad but can't beat the good teams. It's been what Reid and McNabb have been doing for years now.
My God, QB play was ridiculously rotten this week. All of these stinkpalms should be forced to live in JoePa's underwear for a month. As much as I love the NFL, I hate the NFL. I hate bye weeks. I need some mediocre Redskins football back in my life.