Monday, November 03, 2008
Big game tonight, fellas. My Redskins have been playing up (or down) to the level of their competition all season and this evening the white trash Steelers head to DC for a game between 2 of the 5 best teams in the NFL. It should be a slugfest, I wouldn't expect a ton of scoring. The good thing is, well, it's a primetime game for my favorite team. The bad news is that Emmitt Smiff will wax idiotic about nothing, Tony Kornholer will drop somewhere in the vicinity of 8,000 election references that make no sense, and the likely fantastic halftime interview of the presidential candidates conducted by the drunk Chris Berman. I'm sure that it will be hard-hitting. It's going to be awful. But I expect a win. I love Ben Roethlisberger and I hope that he plays well...but I want him to go home a loser. Big time. Speaking of losers, week 9 was heavy on them. So let's get into that.
10. Mark Richt - I am so sick and tired of everyone talking about how great of a coach this guy is. He's won absolutely nothing at Georgia. Take this year for example: he has the most talented team in his history at Athens yet in his two big statement games (Bama and Florida), he gets embarrassed. Let's put a moratorium on the kudos that this guy receives. He's turning into the SEC's version of Tommy Bowden. Enjoy the Capital One Bowl against Minnesota, jerk.
9. Rex Grossman - Welcome back to the field, Sex Cannon. You may have gotten a win yesterday, but you still suck. I expect him to make many appearances here in the next few weeks. Get well soon, Kyle Orton Express.
8. Matt Schaub - I'm beginning to think that this guy is nothing more than a mediocre suck-bag. If he's not getting hurt, he's getting benched. The Vikings pass defense is a sieve, but you wouldn't know that from watching Schaub blow in the first half.
7. Jabar Gaffney - If you remember, I predicted on Friday that the Patriots would win the Super Bowl. And they played fairly well in their loss to the Colts last night. They should have won though and it would have made me look like a genius. Had Gaffney not executed a brilliant Braylon Edwards impression on that deep ball, Belichick wins and Tony Dungy leaves the stadium looking for some gay guys to kill.
6. Marshawn Lynch - I'm telling you, the Bills aren't very good. 9 carries for 16 yards against the Jets??? Come on, dude. Why is Lynch only getting 9 carries anyway? Terrible play-calling. Oh yeah, Brett Favre extended his streak of games with a pick-six to 45.
5. HERM! Edwards (The HERM! Edwards Memorial Spot) - What a titanic collapse by the Chiefs! How could a team coached by such an amazing football mind blow a massive lead like that? I just don't know what else HERM! can do to get fired. I'm almost certain that he could violate the corpse of Derrick Thomas on the 50 yard line of Arrowhead and he wouldn't get fired. The guy's approval rating has to be worse than Bush's.
4. The Oakland Raiders - I found it quite hilarious that Tom Cable had the Raiders practicing their end zone celebrations at practice this week. At one point in the second half, the Raiders had -2 yards of offense. As Pepper Brooks in Dodgeball would say, "it's an interesting strategy, let's see how it plays out." And it played out to the tune of a shit-out loss to the Falcons. 77 total yards of offense???
3. Derek Anderson/Braylon Edwards - OK, it's time for the Quinn Pride Parade to launch on Lake Erie. DA is awful. He didn't play that horribly, but that touchdown that he threw to Terrell Suggs was one of the worst throws of all time. The guy was a fluke and it's time to let the kid have a shot. Braylon, on the other hand, is a joke. He had a few more HUGE drops and can no longer be counted on to make the most basic of plays. The Browns season is over. Thanks for stopping by.
2. Brad Johnson - I hope you all loved the Brad Johnson experiment as much as I did. It's time for this guy to go home for good. He can't play. He's a statue. He can't throw. He's a turnover machine. And, as a final nail in his career's coffin, he got pulled for Brooks Bollinger. THEE Brooks Bollinger! But it's not just his fault, that entire Cowboys team has quit on Wade Phillips. If the current situation in Dallas was a jar of broken glass, I would totally have sex with it. Hmmm, that seems like a confusing metaphor.
1. The Jacksonville Jaguars - Embarrassing. Have you ever seen an entire franchise collectively shit their pants and then have gay sex with each other? If you watched the Jags the last two weeks, you know what I'm talking about. How does any team with any pride (and playoff aspirations) lose to the Browns and Bengals in consecutive weeks? I just broke my leg hopping off of their bandwagon. And I was really hoping that the Bengals would lose out, too. That would have been special. At least now TJ Houshmanponytail doesn't have to complete the grueling task of walking 25 miles to the NFL Network Studios. I hear he's the janitor there in the winter. Fuck you, Jaguars.
Well, there you have it. I can't wait to see Jim Zorn shave Troy Polawoman's hair off tonight in a sign proving his superiority. Hail to the Redskins. Time to remind everyone that we have a great team in DC.