Tuesday, November 11, 2008
So I'm sitting around last Sunday after watching the Browns lose gloriously to the Ravens and CBS is airing the Slamball Championship or whatever the fuck it's called. I decided to sort of half-ass watch it just for the simple reason that Gus Johnson was on the call and everything he does is a stitch. It actually wasn't half bad.
I don't really "get" Slamball though. Yes, it's visually intriguing but I have no idea what the rules are or why anyone would ever play this sport. Where do they find these guys? No other "sport" in the world offers so much variety as far as life-altering injuries are concerned. But anyway, the Slashers defeated the Maulers in quite a donnybrook last weekend (or so CBS wants us to believe). The best part about it though was Slashers coach, Kevin Stapleton (pictured wearing his cell phone during the game!). This guy just oozes the awesome. I was fortunate enough to be granted an "interview" with the Dean of Slamball coaches before the Slashers victory parade through downtown Nowhere. Here's how it unfolded.
G$: Coach, congratulations on a coaching job well done. Where would you rank this title in all of your life's achievements?
Stapleton: Well, first of all, I'm honored that you asked to interview me. No one has ever done that before. Even my children don't want to talk with me about SlamBall. Anyway, I always felt that the day I found a peanut with 4 peanuts inside was great, but this championship may have topped it. You spend your entire life busting your ass and sacrificing for moments just like this. When Pat Croce handed me the trophy, that beautiful basketball on a stick, I thought that I was going to combust.
G$: Your...I don't know..."rim protector" guy wore #69. Is he stupid or a just your run-of-the-mill douche that thinks "69 jokes" are hilarious?
Stapleton: 69 is one hell of a defender. He is so good at protecting our goal, I think that he should work for Homeland Security. Well, as long as they still allow him to play Slamball! But I could see why people would think he's a douche. Why last week he played a prank on me by having sex with my wife and having me walk in on him. I tell ya what, the guy is a competitor.
G$: I've got to wonder, there is no denying that you are an old man. And Slamball is less than a decade old. How in the hell did you get caught up in this?
Stapleton: Funny story actually. Pat Croce, you remember, the idiot that used to run the 76ers, and I were hanging out underneath a bridge one night. We had one of those barrels of fire that homeless people use for heat. Anyway, we get to talking and this thug comes out of nowhere and steals my pizza box which at the time was acting as Pat and I's joint pillow. We chased the thug into an all-night gymnasium and Pat started launching basketballs at the guy. He's got a hell of an arm. Now, I was a little tipsy from drinking a bottle of vermouth for dinner that nightand I stumbled onto a trampoline. After impact, I was launched in the air and one of Croce's errant basketballs found it's way into my hands. Now I was either going to slam into a backboard and bust up this grill or showcase one of the sickest dunks of all time. I chose option two. Pat and I looked at each other, realized that all shitty basketball players deserve a second chance, and a pseudo-sport was born.
G$: I've got be honest, from watching your sport, it doesn't even look like a coach is needed. I mean, come on, what do you tell them in the huddle, "make sure you're jumping out there!" I honestly think that I could grab 5 idiots from my office and have a pretty decent Slamball team. Thoughts?
Stapleton: Why don't you say that to my asshole, punk. You don't get it. You don't know what it's like to sacrifice for a team. I mean, my team risks life and limb for two hours a week just for the glory of a SlamBall championship. I've seen it happen, too. One of the greatest players in SlamBall history, Petey Blackguy slammed one home and when he landed--BOOM--his entire body fell off. There were limbs, tears, and semen everywhere. How dare you try to belittle their accomplishments! If you don't straighten up here, I'll put the strap to ya.
G$: Stapleton, I think I have the perfect description of you. You look like a delapitated version of Tommy Lee Jones. Is that a fair assessment?
Stapleton: It's hardly a concidence that Jones survived in No Country For Old Men and I survived the rigors of a brutal SlamBall season. And I'll tell you another thing, if that bastard, Dr. Richard Kimble, tries to escape again, I'll join the manhunt and catch that fucker myself. Look into my eyes, I don't put up with any lollygaggers.
G$: Final question, coach. Can the Slashers repeat as Slamball champions?
Stapleton: You better fucking believe it, ya tubby bitch. Shit, I'm already drawing up some new offensive sets for next year. Like this for example. I've got a play working where my point guard passes it to a guy who jumps off of a tramp and dunks it. The league will never know what hit them.
You're a fucking lunatic. I would like to thank Coach Kevin Stapleton for granting me this fake interview. And now go back to your regular schedules of not caring about SlamBall. But if they ever bring back Roller Jam, that show is a shoe-in to get a weekly post. Fantastic "sport".