Friday, November 14, 2008

The 2008 NFL UnVP

You all have probably read or listened to some idiot over the past week going on and on about who the NFL MVP is at this point in the season. Well, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to focus on the least valuable player in the league through 10 weeks. I don't give a shit about fantasy football for this post either, it's all about on-field non-production. It is, in my opinion, the ten least impressive players in the league this year. And you better believe that I factored in salaries but I take it easy on injured players because it's not really their fault that they aren't on the field.

For what it's worth and to get my two cents in, the first half MVP is Vince Young. If he doesn't get hurt, the Titans are a .500 team. There, I said it. And I'm not even going to kill myself over it so put down the phone, Jeff Fisher.

10. Braylon Edwards (27, 472, 3)
Wasn't he supposed to be a franchise player? When you are averaging 3 catches and less than 60 yards a game with about 17 drops per game, you more than qualify to be on this list.

9. JaMarcus Russell (1289, 48.6%, 6/4)
Who in the hell thought that it was a good idea to draft a franchise QB that weighs more than the entire secondary combined? The more that I watch of this guy, the worse that I think he is. I bet he wishes that he was still tearing up that Notre Dame defense.

8. Julius Jones (597, 2 td's)
They replaced Shaun Alexander with the one running back that is worse than Shaun Alexander. Jones is just fucking terrible. If you ever watch those ESPN projections that are retarded, they always have him at somewhere between 20-40 yards. And that makes me laugh/horny.

7. Pacman Jones (suspended, insane)
Pacman, when he was on the field, was nothing more than average anyway. The Cowboys actually put faith in him to stay clean and help their secondary but you know how it turned out. Now let's all hit the ATM and head on down to Columbus Gold.

6. Santonio Holmes (29, 419, 2)
I'm guilty on this one. I actually thought that Holmes was going to have a breakout year. Of course, Santonio thought that I meant that he should break out his bong and get suspended. You know that you're having a shitty year when Nate Washington from TIFFIN UNIVERSITY is a more desired target in the passing game.

5. Fred Taylor (358, ZERO)
Remember how we all felt great for Freddy last year when he put it all together, stayed healthy, and had a monster season? Look at those fucking numbers! If you want to know why the Jags are struggling this year, not having the second part of their two-headed backfield monster certainly explains a lot.

4. Torry Holt (33, 352, 2)
I think that we may be seeing the end of Torry Holt as a productive WR. And it's sad because he was great in his prime. You would think that a team that is always losing would have WR's other than Donnie Avery with great numbers due to always playing from behind (AKA Calvin Johnson). You would be mistaken.

3. Larry Johnson (417, 3)
You know, LJ was having an OK season until he decided that spitting on sluts was more important than football. When a guy puts "degrading women" ahead of living up to his contract with a team that just gave him a shit-ton of money, well, fuck you buddy. I'm all about putting women in their place, but I love the NFL more.

2. Derek Anderson (1454, 49.8%, 9/7)
It wasn't all his fault. Braylon helped along with a pretty crappy o-line. But there is no excuse for having a JaMarcus-ian completion percentage. Remember when the Browns could have gotten maybe a second rounder for him this past offseason? Good luck getting a 6th rounder this year. This guy was never good and he fooled everyone last year...except me. Because I am smarter than everyone else.

1. Edgerrin James (384, 3)
Edge started out the season decent enough and you would think that in the offense that he's in, he would have a giant season. It would probably help if he was put into the game. Tim Hightower and JJ Arrington have rendered Edge useless now. It's a good thing that he's getting paid millions of dollars. Only in America. I'd be smiling, too, if I got to sit on my ass every Sunday. Wait, that's either a bad example or I need to figure out where to pick up my checks.

I kind of wanted to add "Andy Reid's play-calling" and "everything about Mike Martz" but they aren't players so they had to be excluded. Fuck 'em, they already know that they suck.

Have a good weekend and since RedHawk football doesn't play again, I'm sure that you all will. I know I will enjoy myself.


J Beanie said...

I disagree with your rankings. Edge is bad but he's not the least valuable because the Cards have found people to replace him without losing. JaMarcus Russell and LJ are the top two. How about Brad Johnson? Sure, he's a back up but my goodness, that's the best he could do w/ Romo out? And I'd add Rudi Johnson, CP, Cedric Benson, Chris Perry and anyone on the Bengels to the list. Winslow could be on the list too, especially since the Browns won two of their three games without him.

ognihs said...

it's gotta be vince young. not only have the titans seen an increase in wins, but we also have an increase in kerry collins jokes and a decrease in shirtless men at da club.

Matt said...

A 2nd rounder for DA? He was a restricted free agent. Anybody signing him had to pony up a 1st and 3rd. It boggles my mind that we didn't try to make that happen. I'd have paid another team to sign him.

Upstate Underdog said...

I know Carson Palmer has been hurt, but I would also add him to that list