Friday, October 31, 2008

Calling For A Do-Over

We're pretty much halfway home in the NFL regular season (at least the Redskins are), so I thought that today would be as good a time as any to re-evaluate my preseason predictions and see how I'm doing. After all, I almost always mail-in posts on Fridays anyway. So let's take a look back and see how I did (I think I'm doing well off the top of my head). Of course, I will make changes to these because I want to. Deal with it. Let's start in the NFC:

NFC East
Then - Dallas, Washington*, New York, Philadelphia
Now - New York, Washington*, Philadelphia*, Dallas
The Cowboys are a mess and "Wade Phillips running the defense" isn't going to change things. I still think that they finish 9-7 or maybe 10-6 and would be the best team in any division not named the AFC South, but it ain't happening this year.

NFC North
Then -Minnesota, Detroit, Green Bay, Chicago
Now - Chicago, Green Bay, Minnesota, Sheboygan, Peoria, Duluth, Lansing, Kalamazoo, Toledo, Detroit
Boy, does Brad Childress need to get fired or what? I'm digging the Kyle Orton Express and think that they win the division. Detroit would finish last in whatever conference Grand Valley State plays in.

NFC South
Then - Carolina, New Orleans*, Tampa Bay, Atlanta
Now - Carolina, Tampa Bay, New Orleans, Atlanta
I'm proud to say that I never thought of the Saints as Super Bowl-caliber. Sean Payton is a very weak football coach. I like what Atlanta is doing down there but it's just not their time yet. Did you see Jeff Garcia last week? That team ain't going to the playoffs.

NFC West
Then - Seattle, Arizona, San Francisco, St. Louis
Now - Arizona, St. Louis, Seattle, San Francisco
This might be the worst top-to-bottom division ever. Two of the four coaches have already been fired and a third isn't coming back next year. I don't really like the Cards all that much, but they are going to win this division by default.

NFC Champs
Then - Heart said Redskins, Head said Vikings
Now - Heart and head agree...Washington
Think about it. I have the Skins seeded 5th which would get them to Arizona first and then to Carolina on their way to whoever survives the Giants/Eagles/Bears triad of doom. I don't plan on living in a world where Eli Manning goes back to the Super Bowl.

AFC East
Then - New England, New York*, Buffalo, Miami
Now - same
I want to believe in the Bills but I just don't see it happening. The Jets will look terrible all season but still win 10 games. The Patriots are still the most complete team in that division.

AFC North
Then - Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, Baltimore
Now -Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Cleveland, Ohio State, Mount Union, Defiance College, Cincinnati
The Steelers are just treading water right now. Eventually, that defense and their QB is going to get banged up. The other 3 teams...better luck next year. In the Bengals case, better luck next millenium.

AFC South
Then - Jacksonville, Indianapolis*, Houston, Tennessee
Now - Tennessee, Jacksonville*, Indianapolis, Houston
I will never give up on my man-crush of the Jaguars. It may have something to do with Jack Del Rio looking exactly like a beefier version of Brian Hackett from Wings. The Colts are done because they can't beat the Jags. It's amazing to me that Kerry Collins is one of the better QB's in the league this season.

AFC West
Then - San Diego, Denver, Oakland, Kansas City
Now - keeping it the same
Come on, the Chargers (even at 3-5) are still going to win this division. The Broncos can't stop anybody and Jay Cutler looks shittier and shittier every week. One thing about the Broncos to watch...RB Ryan Torain who will be released to the football world this weekend. The kid is supposedly a stud and he's already been added to The Wet Bandits' G$FL roster.

AFC Champion
Then - Jacksonville
Now - New England
I hate this pick. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. But can't you see this happening? They will probably get the 2 seed, the AFC is weak, Bill Belichick loves challenges like this season has been, and in a championship game, I'll take the Pats any day of the week over Kerry Collins.

Then - Off MVP (Romo), Def MVP (Jared Allen), Off ROY (Chris Johnson), Def ROY (Leodis McKelvin), and Coach (Jack Del Rio)
Now - Off MVP (Clinton Portis), Def MVP (DeMarcus Ware), Off ROY (staying with CJ), Def ROY (Jerod Mayo), and Coach (Jeff Fisher)
Portis has been the best player in football in the first half of the season, no reason for that not to keep up. Ware gets at least one sack every damn week. Chris Johnson would have 15 touchdowns right now if it wasn't for LardDale White. Mayo is having a big season since he's the only Pats LB that can still move. Jeff Fisher is one of, if not, the best coach in the NFL.

Super Bowl
Then - Heart said Skins over Jags, head said Jags over Vikings
Now - Patriots over Redskins
Like I said earlier, I don't like this. Everyone is writing off the Pats. That's exactly what Belichick wants us to do. Let's all band together and start writing pieces about how great New England is again. I do think that the Skins are a Super Bowl caliber team though. With a healthy Shawn Springs, they have the best secondary in the league. Let's hear it, who do you all have in the Super Bowl now that we've seen half of the season unfold?

Happy Slut-oween

It's no secret. Girls use Halloween to dress up like hookers. It's cool and all, but I'm tired of seeing the same old costumes. They just don't do anything for me anymore.

Slutty Nurse? Seen it.
Slutty French maid? Done to death.
Catholic School Girl? Not hot anymore.
Slutty Cop? Intriguing, but no.
Slutty Slut? The girl that doesn't dress as anything but looks like a slut every day of her life.
Slutty Politician? There will be many dressing like that this year.

No. I'm done with all of you. Give me something that I can work with. I've got the perfect costume for you normal women that want to look skanky for one night only. I've seen it done to perfection once and I still can't get the image out of my mind. The Slutty Librarian.

Happy Halloween everybody...don't be afraid to do your duty as an American and steal candy from some dumbass kid.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Bringin' Back The Heartache

A few weeks ago, I did a post where I ranked the top ten coolest sporting events that I've seen in my life. We all laughed, some cried. I did forget to mention that I watched Dream Team 2 in Atlanta in 1996 and that was pretty sweet. Sorry, Michael Jordan, I won't disrespect you again.

Today, I'm digging very deep in my vault of (bad) memories. To a place that has been locked for a long, long time. You'll laugh because you are all a gigantic bag of assholes. I'll cry. We'll share random dick jokes. But, it's time for me to open up my closet of horrors. On this day I will be sharing the 5 most heartbreaking sports moments in my life as a sports fan. To quote Def Leppard (who is inexplicably making new albums and touring again eventhough Joe Elliot hasn't been able to sing since 1990), I'm "bringin' on the heartbreak". I'm going to need a box of tissues over here...for tears this time. I promise.

5. 2002 BCS Title Game: Ohio State over Miami (Fla.)
If you remember correctly, this Ohio State was perhaps the most boring and lucky team on the planet (don't argue, that Purdue game was horseshit). They barely scored all season long, yet had a bad ass defense that bailed them out every week. Don't get me wrong, the Miami game was a great football game and I've never been one to say that the 'Canes got hosed by the refs, but I could sense before the game even started what a Buckeyes win would lead to. I knew, even back then, that the worst thing in the world would be that Ohio State fans got to thump their chests for an entire year (and they still do it). It was even worse than I feared. That one win in Tempe unleashed a fury of douchebaggery that we non-Buckeye fans in Ohio are still trying to recover from. It was our Hurricane Katrina. Thank God, the SEC stepped up and put them back in their place.

4. 1999 NFC Semifinal: Tampa Bay 14, Washington 13
I would bet that maybe one of you remembers this game. 1999 was the season that the Rams beat the Titans in the best Super Bowl ever (sorry, Eli). The Rams got to the Super Bowl by beating a rather dull Tampa team in the NFC title game. But what you forget is that the Bucs should have never been there. I was watching this in my freshman dorm room and the Skins got out to a 13-0 lead at halftime thanks to a Brian Mitchell 100 yard return. The second half was garbage as the Shaun King-led Bucs got two touchdowns to go ahead 14-13. The Skins had a chance to win the game on the final play via the leg of the legendary Brett Conway. As you can probably guess, that didn't happen. Longsnapper Dan Turk (who died less than a year later of cancer), fucked up the snap to Brad Johnson and they never even got the kick off. It was the most depressing loss of my life as a Skins fan, but those are the kind of things that happen to Norv Turner-coached teams. We had our Tony Romo moment already, thank God.

3. 2001 World Series: Diamondbacks defeat the Yankees
This series had it all. Dominant pitching, a shitty closer, clutch home runs, Rudy Giuliani's mammoth son--EVERYTHING. On the heels of 9/11, this was really the first big sporting event since those attacks. Although the Yankees were going for their 4th World Series title in a row, a little piece of every American had to be rooting for New York. The city needed it. The country needed it. We got to a game seven in a series in which the Yankees should have been swept. In that game, my boy Shane Spencer and Alfonso Soriano each hit solo homers for the Yankees who entered the bottom of the 9th with a one run lead. We all know what happened with Luis Gonzalez getting the cheapest hit of all time considering he's a giant roided-up freak. I remember this vividly. I was sitting in my college apartment, in shock, wasted off of 4 or 5 40 ouncers. After about a minute of staring into space, I picked up 3 of those empty 40 bottles, walked outside, and smashed them on the sidewalk. Buster Olney wrote a book about this and he was right, the Yankees dynasty ended that night in Phoenix.

2. 11/13/2002: Marshall 36, Miami 34
You might not really give a shit about a MAC football game from 6 years ago, but I guarantee that you all remember it. After all, this was the game where our defensive coordinator knocked a Marshall fan out cold when the idiot ran onto the field after the game and got into the coach's face. It was bizarre really. For the next few days, a truck from EVERY major media conglomerate was in Oxford. But anyway, the first three years that I was in college, Byron Leftwich's Herd kicked the shit out of us. Bad. The year prior to the game being mentioned, the Herd came to O-Town, I was bombed, and I flipped off every Marshall fan that I saw that day. We got destroyed, but at least I made a lot of hillbillies look like a bitch. It really was a pretty good rivalry. But my Senior year, that was going to be our year. Leftwich had gotten hurt a few weeks earlier and Big Ben was finally coming into his own. It was a night game on ESPN and I had spent almost the entire day drinking before heading to the bar to watch it. Everything was going to plan--we were playing well, had the lead late, and I already had it planned that when the clock struck zero, I was going to dump beer on my roommate's head. But on the second to last play of the game, shitty QB Stan Hill, scampered into the end zone to once again ruin my day. Of course then we had the aforementioned punches being thrown, but I was too drunk and depressed to care. I HATE Marshall.

1. 1995 AL Division Series: Mariners defeat the Yankees
There was actually a time in my life when the Yankees were terrible. That time was from my birth unti 1994. In 1995, it finally looked like Don Mattingly was going to play in the postseason and it was about damn time, too. The Yankees were the wild card that year and drew the Mariners in the ALDS. Everything was great in the first two games; the Yanks won both and only needed to win 1 out of 3 in Seattle. That never happened. I can't recall anything about games 3 and 4 but game 5 crushed my soul. Jack McDowell not being able to get an out against Joey Cora, Griffey, and Edgar...still hurts when I think about it. When Griffey scored, I've never felt worse in my life as a fan. As a 15 year old kid, it was like the end of the world. That was the last time that I cried over a sporting event. I just laid in bed on that terrible Sunday night, wide-eyed and sad. I couldn't sleep. I have to think that that is exactly how Indians fans dealt with the game 7 loss to the Marlins or Phillies fans after Joe Carter. Other than Red Sox fans, I don't wish losing like that upon anyone.

Well, I feel like shit. Anyone else got something shitty that they would like to get off their chest? Oh well, at least 30 Rock is back on tonight to make me happy. Werewolf Bar Mitzvah.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

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Rejuvenated AFC North Teams Meet As Browns Host Ravens
The Baltimore Ravens (4-3 SU, 5-2 ATS, 4-3 O/U) have used their powerful defense to win two straight games.
Cleveland Browns (3-4 SU, 5-2 ATS, 2-5 O/U) are coming off a surprising win on Sunday and have won three of their last four games overall.

Sports betting enthusiasts are in for a treat when the two AFC North foes meet on Sunday at Cleveland Browns Stadium.
The Ravens defeated Oakland 29-10 on Sunday to cover as 8-point home favorites in Week and have given up a grand total of just 23 points in winning their last two games.
Rookie quarterback Joe Flacco completed 12 of 24 passes for 140 yards and one touchdown and added another touchdown on the ground in addition to catching a pass for 43 yards out of the single wing formation that the Miami Dolphins are apparently bringing back to popularity. Elusive running back Willis McGahee rushed for 58 yards and a touchdown on 23 carries.
Baltimore’s stout defense held the Raiders’ vaunted rushing attack to just 47 yards on 19 carries and sacked quarterback JaMarcus Russell four times on the afternoon.
The Browns shocked the Jacksonville Jaguars, winning 23-17 on the road to cover as a 7-point underdog in Week 8. Browns quarterback Derek Anderson completed just 14 of 27 passes but racked up 246 yards with one touchdown while veteran running back Jamal Lewis rushed for 81 yards and one touchdown on 20 carries.
Head coach Romeo crenel said he likes his team’s chances of reaching the postseason if they can continue their recent form.
"If my guys come to play the way they came to play today, we are going to be in it," Crennel said. "We're going to be in it and have a chance."

Here is a look at the key trends for each team, followed by my in-depth analysis and free picks.
Baltimore is 6-2 ATS in its last 8 games
Baltimore is 8-16 ATS in its last 24 games
Baltimore is 5-12 SU in its last 17 games
The total has gone OVER in 10 of Baltimore's last 14 games

Cleveland is 5-1 ATS in its last 6 games
The total has gone UNDER in 11 of Cleveland's last 13 games
Cleveland is 9-1 ATS in its last 10 games at home
Cleveland is 8-2 SU in its last 10 games at home
The total has gone UNDER in 5 of Cleveland's last 6 games at home
Baltimore Ravens +1½ -110
Cleveland Browns -1½ -110
Over 36½ -110
Under 36½ -110

Analysis: I agree with Browns head coach Romeo Crennel after watching the Browns dismantle Jacksonville last week. If the Browns can continue their recent play, particularly on defense, they can cause some damage of the second half of the regular season.
With Cleveland playing at home in this contest, I think they will somehow find a way to win this contest and cover the small spread.
The way the Ravens are playing defensively, I see a low scoring affair that suggests the Under is also the right play for this matchup.
Take the Browns to cover the spread in what looks like a classic field goal game.
NFL Free Picks: Browns -1½ Points/Under 36½ Total Points

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I Don't Understand Batons

So Saturday, I'm sitting through the worst first half of college "football" in my life down on Oxford. The RedHawks were getting their asses handed to them by a team whose only win this year was against Delaware State. Keep in mind, this was the third (and thankfully final) time this year that I would watch my alma mater get embarrassed on the football field. After seeing my "team" get down 87-7 and turn the ball over 17 times in the first 30 minutes, mercifully, they went into the locker room for halftime.

Now, I'm sitting their in a depressed, vegetative state, texting people about how awful we are, and I accidentally lift my head up to see the band. I normally hate marching bands because they serve no purpose other than playing the fight song, alma mater, and national anthem. I don't know what the hell kind of theme it was on Saturday (probably what they do every game, a tribute to Jesus Christ Superstar) but all of a sudden, I had one of my classic revelations.

G$: Is there any reason why those baton chicks are out there?
She$: Do you mean the twirlers?
G$: Yeah, sure.
She$: I don't know but I think it has something to do with giving the performance some sort of visual.
G$: You're kidding me. That can't be right.
She$: I'm serious.

And that is the point of today's random post...what the fuck is the purpose of twirling.

It makes no sense when you think about. Do you really think that some pedophile band director was sitting around one day, talking about the William Tell Overture or something stupid, and said, "Do you know what will make our halftime show pop? Overweight women in a one piece bathing suit throwing a metal stick in the air!" How did marching band music and girls that are skilled in the art of "baton-ing" get introduced to each other? Nothing about those two separate entities even remotely mix into a coherent form of performance art. These are the kinds of questions that keep me up at night.

How do girls even get into this activity anyway? Are parents so bad and think so little of their children that the only skill that they want honed is their ability to flip and catch a baton? Set the bar higher! Why would you even encourage your daughter to this? Now, I admit ignorance on this topic, but I'm pretty sure that the ceiling on twirling is fairly low. I bet that the best twirler in the world serves as some weirdo magician's assistant in Reno. So why are kids being pushed into this activity? There is no future in this "skill".

I don't know, maybe I'm being overly critical. I am an asshole after all. But I refuse to sit idly by while some jackass band director is trying to showcase a medley of Chicago tunes and for some reason a handful of heifers add in a few baton tosses that don't relate to anything. Now if they would light the sticks on fire, then I would be impressed. But until then, let's get these big 'uns some clothes and tell them to actually contribute something meanignful to society. Like amateur porn.

And don't even get me started on the flag, I hate halftime shows. These are the things that I think about when I've completely given up on my football team. I don't recommend it to anybody.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Paul Pierce bawled like a baby tonight. I guess he didn't get the memo that he won the NBA Title FOUR MONTHS AGO. Looks like his street cred has been stabbed away (again). Fuck you, Paul Pierce. I believe that he needed to be carried off the floor since his tear ducts were leaking.

Gazing Into Kazaam's Crystal Ball

Since this is a post predicting the NBA 22 months from now when the season ends, I wanted to get a nice picture of Shaq as Kazaam, the 7 foot black genie, to help usher in this post. But when push came to shove, the lure of an 80's David Stern bushy mustache was just too intense to be ignored. This is how we're going to do it today: I'm going to predict where each team finishes in their conference and give one reason why I like them and one reason why I don't. Pretty simple. I promise that I won't pick the Knicks to finish 3rd in the East like I did last season. Let's start in the conference where the defending champs reside...

The Eastern Conference:
15. Nets
I love - Devin Harris is going to be a helluva point guard for many years.
I hate - That Vince Carter is THE guy now. I guarantee he misses at least 40 games this season.

14. Knicks
I love - Isiah Thomas is long gone and trying to kill himself. David Lee is my favorite non-Cav in the league.
I hate - Stephon Marbury.

13. Bobcats
I love - Gerald Wallace and J-Rich are about as athletic as it gets.
I hate - Michael Jordan has no idea what he's doing and Larry Brown is going to be gone in two years.

12. Hawks
I love - Joe Johnson's range although I'm not sure that he's a go-to guy.
I hate - Josh Smith scares me that now since he's gotten paid, he's going to start mailing it in.

11. Pacers
I love - They finally got rid of all of the cancers from this team and are trying to build something.
I hate - The Pacers are one of the few teams that can throw 5 white, non-foreign guys on the floor at one time.

10. Bulls
I love - Derrick Rose will struggle some this season, but he will be a stud in this league soon.
I hate - Larry Hughes and Drew Gooden.

9. Heat
I love - What we saw out of D-Wade in the Olympics shows that he is not slowing down.
I hate - They don't have a system that uses Shawn Marion to his fullest potential.

8. Bucks
I love - Michael Redd has no fear and the confidence that he can make any shot on the floor.
I hate - Personally, I think that Richard Jefferson sucks.

7. Raptors
I love - The thought of a healthy Jermaine O'Neal and Chris Bosh doing damage in the paint.
I hate - No one on the perimeter scares me for the Raps.

6. Wizards
I love - They sure do enjoy getting knocked out of the playoffs with ease every season by LeBron and the boys.
I hate - DeShawn Stevenson, Caron Butler, Gilbert Arenas, Brendan Haywood, and Darius Songaila.

5. 76ers
I love - Andre Miller might be the most underrated player in the league. I love his game.
I hate - They paid Andre Iguodala like a superstar. He is not that.

4. Magic
I love - Stan Van Gundy looking like Ron Jeremy and the force that is Dwight Howard.
I hate - Hedo Turkoglu was a fluke last season.

3. Pistons
I love - They should be playing with desperation this season because this could be it for the core group of 'Stones. Flip Saunders is finally gone.
I hate - This team needs better than a rookie head coach. Like I said, they are at the end of their run.

2. Cavaliers
I love - Knowing that you always have the best player on the floor is a very good thing. I also like Mike Brown's goatee.
I hate - Depth in the frontcourt scares me; the less of Lorenzen Wright that I see, the better.

1. Celtics
I love - The Big 2 with Ray Allen is still around.
I hate - Doc Rivers is an awful coach and it will be a challenge to keep these guys hungry again.

The Western Conference
15. Thunder
I love - Kevin Durant, Jeff Green, and Russell Westbrook will be good...but not for a few more years.
I hate - That nickname is just terrible.

14. Kings
I love - Reggie Theus used to be on Hang Time!
I hate - Everything about this team.

13. Clippers
I love - Chris Kaman and Marcus Camby are an extremely solid 4/5 combo.
I hate - Baron Davis will get hurt this season.

12. Grizzlies
I love - OJ Mayo and Rudy Gay, they are going to be fun to watch.
I hate - Mike Conley, Jr. is going to end up being a bust or nothing more than a role player.

11. Timberwolves
I love - You don't see him on TV, but Al Jefferson is a damn beast in the paint.
I hate - These idiots traded Mayo for Kevin Love which will go down as one of the worst trades ever.

10. Warriors
I love - NELLIE BALL!!! Stephen Jackson running the point means someone is getting shot.
I hate - Monta Ellis being suspended for a long time due to his love for riding mopeds.

9. Nuggets
I love - This team appears to be built to win fantasy leagues.
I hate - They play no defense and George Karl's head is going to explode soon.

8. Trailblazers
I love - Everything about this team is awesome. Oden, Aldridge, Roy, Bayless, Spanish Chocolate...they are going to be special.
I hate - Nothing.

7. Suns
I love - It's going to be a sad day when we can't watch Steve Nash play anymore.
I hate - Raja Bell is a douchebag.

6. Spurs
I love - I respect everything about this organization. They respect the game and play hard every night even though they do whine a lot.
I hate - Manu won't be 100% for awhile. Oh, and Bruce Bowen can die already. Age is catching up to them.

5. Mavericks
I love - Rick Carlisle will get these guys playing hard on both ends (finally).
I hate - Josh Howard doesn't take life seriously and Jason Kidd can't play.

4. Jazz
I love - Jerry Sloan is a winner and still gets the most out of his players.
I hate - Carlos Boozer for lying to a blind man (I will NEVER get over that).

3. Rockets
I love - There's a chance that it implodes the franchise, but I love Artest on this team.
I hate - T-Mac is about as clutch as A-Rod and Yao always gets hurt.

2. Hornets
I love - Come on...Chris Paul! I'm pretty sure that he could even set up me for a score.
I hate - James Posey. But at least he's not in Boston anymore.

1. Lakers
I love - The thought of Andrew Bynum and Paul Gasol taking pressure off of Kobe.
I hate - Lamar Odom is going to be selfish seeing as this is a contract year for him. He will kill this team.

Finals - Stern got his wish last year with the Celtics and Lakers bringing in big numbers for the league. This year, he gets even bigger numbers. It's going to be LeBron vs. Kobe in a showdown that announces to the sports world that the NBA is back and here to stay. LeBron accomplishes what he was born to do and ends the title drought in Cleveland.

MVP - LeBron James who crushes a 31-9-7 season
Coach - Rick Adelman
Rookie - OJ Mayo
Worst Player In The League - that title will always go to Luke Walton

That's my prediction. Well, it's not so much a prediction really. You see, when I touched LeBron's hand on Friday night, I saw the future. He was holding the Larry O'Brien Trophy in one hand and me in the other. It's his world, people...

Monday, October 27, 2008

Celebrity Rehab Is The Best

If you aren't watching Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew on Vh1, you really should. I am not a fan of the other shit that Vh1 airs with the Flavor Flav and New York crap. The Surreal Life blows. Celebrity Fit Club is awful. But Rehab is the shit. The ironic thing about this show is that the most famous celebrity on there is Dr. Drew. The idiots that admit themselves into the clinic are so ridiculously unfamous that it's just too funny. Allow me to explain:

Last year, the cast was pretty annoying. Daniel Baldwin was an asshole, Mary Carey was a whore, and the chick that no one remembers from Family Matters didn't even have any real problems. But this year is different.

They have this one skank from American Idol that admitted to blowing through 8-balls in a DAY.
Some incredibly hot supermodel named Amber Smith pops enough pills to tranquilize a rhino.
Jeff Conaway is back and is as stupid as ever. He can't even stand up.
Rod Stewart's son, who from what I can tell is not famous for anything, has been to rehab at least ten times.
Tawny Kitaen started her horrendous story with the saga of her beating up her former husband and shitty pitcher, Chuck Finley.
Rodney King, THEE Rodney King, is a hilarious drunk. His intorductory video had him throwing up out the window of a tow truck (where he works). It was great. He was so drunk that a car almost rolled over his head. PRICELESS!
Steven Adler, who apparently used to play drums for Guns and Roses, tried to kill himself because...SLASH WOULDN'T RETURN HIS PHONE CALLS! This guy is a complete mess and he shoots heroin into his neck.
And then there's Gary Busey. We all know that this fucker is nuts and he told everyone the story about when he snorted a bunch of coke off of his dog. The best part about Busey...he thinks that he is there to help people and that he is not a patient. He actually believes that he's an adviser for these addicts. It's unbelievably insane!

Wow, I can't wait to see how this season unfolds. Thursday night, 10 pm. And if that didn't entice you at all, one of the counselors, Shelley something, looks exactly like a slutty librarian (you know what I'm talking about, Damman). Man, she's hot. I hope that by the end of the season, Rodney King kicks the shit out of Rod Stewart's kid while the Guns and Roses idiot sings Maggie Mae. Keep 'em crazy, Dr. Drew.

The Worst Of Week Eight Vol. II

Well, that's more like it. Barring some miracle, I'm back to my usual weekend of going 0-3 in my 3 fantasy leagues. God, I suck. But you know what really pisses me off? Due to the Bears bye week, I could not start The Kyle Orton Express in my league. So I had to go back to my arch nemesis, Derek Anderson. I was confident that he would be decent since the Jags secondary kind of sucks. How about a big fuck you to Steve Heiden and Assfuck Steptoe for catching deep balls from DA and both getting tackled at the 1 yard line! Fuck you all. Had those assholes actually, you know, SCORED then I'm sitting in a decent position to beat hated commenter, Dut, this week. But instead, I'm soaking in a cold shower with my pecker in my hand realizing that yet again, the Browns have fucked me over. FUCK! Dammit, I've got a column to write. At least I'm in the right frame of mind. The worst players of the week even took a road trip to London this week proving that shitty play is not just relegated to the States. On with the show:

10. Terrelle Pryor - The kid is talented, that is for sure. But there are always growing pains. We saw that on Saturday night. He tried to do too much. His fumble swung momentum and his pick iced the loss. It happens. Deal with it. All of those fucking idiots that want to see Todd Boeckman play some downs are exactly what I say they are...fucking idiots. Pryor is going to win a lot more games than he loses that is for sure and Buckeye fans have to be rational that they aren't going to win a title every year. But this past weekend, he thankfully ended the Buckeyes potential BCS title game aspirations. And personally, watching OSU lose surrounded by dickless fans is fucking tits.

9. Brett Favre - I don't care that the Jets struggled to beat HERM!, Brett Favre sucks. He got outplayed by Tyler Thigpen. I hate the Jets so much. I wish nothing but the worst for them and their #1 asswipe fan...Mike Greenberg.

8. The London Defenses - Those limey bastards put down their fags (cigarettes) and fish and chips yesterday to see a pretty good football game. But as good as the Saints and Bolts are on offense, those two defenses are freaking terrible. Neither of them are going to make the playoffs. Shine your shoes, guv-nah?

7. Jon Jansen - Who, you ask? The Redskins starting RT might have had the worst performance of any player all season. Try this on for size: a false start, 2 holding penalties, and 3 sacks given the Lions. It's just bizarre to me. Jansen is a road-grater in the running game but he fucking blows in pass protection. The guy has been a warrior in this league for a decade now but I cringe at the thought of him trying to block James Harrison next week. But 6-2 is 6-2 and I can't complain too much.

6. Terrence McGee - I want to like the Bills. I want to believe that they will win the AFC East. But when they are getting torched by rag arm Pennington, that is just not something that I can believe in. Oh, and Ted Ginn Jr. should get 175 yards in 5 games, not one.

5. The Bengals and Lions (The HERM! Edwards Memorial Spot) - One of these two teams is going to do it. It's going to happen. The Bengals have no hope with Ryan Fitzpatrick. He is just terrible. And if you've seen their schedule the rest of the way, they will be HEAVY underdogs in all but one game...week 17 vs. HERM! The Lions are just rotten. They play well for a quarter at a time, but they always find a way to suck. I hope that both teams could reach the paramount of shittiness together. It would be a match made in Tony Parker and Clay Aiken.

4. Jacksonville Special Teams - I'm one of the biggest David Garrard fans in the world. It killed me to watch the Browns win in Jacksonville. But honestly, that loss doesn't fall on his shoulders. If Matt Jones wasn't too busy licking the coke off of his fingers on the second to last play, they win. If they, I don't know, BLOCK on field goals, they keep momentum. If Dickhead McGee doesn't fumble a kickoff, they win the game. The Jags are shitting on my prediction to win the Super Bowl.

3. Jeff Garcia - Hey, gay guy, when you run a two minute drill, you should probably try and complete longer than 4 yard passes. This game sucked. The Cowboys played like shit. The Bucs played even worse. And for those people (likely Peter King) stating that the Cowboys are back, they aren't.

2. Vernon Davis - And there you have it...Mike Singletary becomes the frontrunner for best conference of the year in his first game as head coach. Good for him though. If Vernon Davis wants to be a fucking idiot and disrespect the game, send his ass packing. If you are a professional, you need to act like one. Look at me taking some moral high ground here. Vernon should know not to fuck with Singletary though, that guy was a STUD in Tecmo Bowl.

1. Ben Roethlisberger - There are very few players that I coddle on this site. One of them is Ben. But, dear Lord, he sucked ass in a game that I was really rooting for the Stillers to win. As awful as Eli Manning was (and he was hangover diarrhea), Ben's 4 picks overshadow that by a lot. Just way too many bad decisions out of Ben and a lot of the Steelers flaws were exposed yesterday. That offensive line is terrible and if you keep the pressure on them, they will fold and mistakes will happen.

Let's just hope that Ben struggles again on Monday Night in DC against our Redskins. Then he go back to being the best QB in the NFL. Jim Zorn for President. If you haven't read the post below this, please do so, you'll get wood. I'll be back tomorrow with my NBA (Bad) Predictions post.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Now I Can Die In Peace

Bill Simmons wrote a book by the same title dedicated to the 2004 Red Sox season. I will never read it, eventhough I enjoy his work, due to the subject matter. But I think now I realize what he was feeling because, other than championships, my life as a fan could never be better than it is right now.

If you remember, I told you all on Friday that I would be attending the final preseason game for the Cavaliers and the Wizards that night at The Schottenstein Center. She-Money had gotten me tickets to this game for my birthday. I didn't think much of it at the time. Whatever, I will always want to see the Cavs play even if it means nothing. But when the usher looked at our tickets and began showing us to our seats by leading us closer and closer to the action, then I started sprouting a massive "fan-boner". Our seats were on the floor. THE FLOOR! You know the camera guys that sit on the baseline? We were sitting right behind those guys. My feet were on the court. I can't describe how awesome these seats were. And no matter how hard I prodded, She-Money would not tell me how much they cost her.

The aforementioned Simmons once wrote in one of his many NBA columns, that you can't truly appreciate the NBA until you've sat courtside and are right there to follow the action. He is exactly right. I love the NBA anyway, but there are things that you don't see from the upper deck or on your TV. You don't see how HUGE Zydrunas Ilgauskas is or how cut Ben Wallace is or how Antonio Daniels is the leader of the Wizards or even that Mike Brown was screaming at the Cavs to push the ball up the floor on offense. It was amazing.

The Cavs played extremely well in the first half and had a double digit halftime lead. They entered and exited the court right by our seats so when they came off the floor for the intermission, I tried to get some high-fives from some of the players like some dumbass kid. No dice. But I wasn't about to give up. Oh no. When the Cavs started trickling back onto the court for the second half, I got a BIG "five" from Ben Wallace who, for 2 minutes at least, was my favorite basketball player ever. But that was soon topped. Mr. LeBron James came out of the locker room, made eye contact with me, and decided that I was worthy enough to touch his hand. It was the greatest moment of my fan life. I sat back in my seat with the biggest, goofiest smile on my face because I knew that I just reached the pinnacle of my life as a sports fan. I touched The King! And then a ridiculously goatee'd Coach Mike Brown came walking by and I gained my composure to give him a "Go get 'em, Coach Mike!" He responded in kind with a "point" at his new biggest fan. Yep, Mike Brown pointed at me.

The second half was much like the first in which the Cavs kicked the shit out of the Wizards. My promise to murder DeShawn Stevenson fell by the wayside because the guy was fucking terrible and I felt bad for how bad he was. I also noticed that Jeff Van Gundy was in the house and that he looks like a bigger pussy from 20 feet away than he does on TV. After the game, I attempted a few more high-fives. I got one from Sasha Pavlovic (who played well), Wally (who also played well), and Big Z. Danny Ferry walked right by me and I just thought to myself about how awful he is.

I need to also mention that at one point in the 4th quarter, during a timeout, the Cavs have some teenage kids that do a bunch of crazy dance moves. Anyway, this one kid was doing some flips and didn't quite make it. He landed head first on the floor and wasn't moving at all. It was fucking scary. She-Money and I wondered if we just witnessed a kid get paralyzed or even die. The worst part of it was that his dance-mates came off the court right by us and were all scared and crying. I'm kind of a heartless prick, but that was about as intense as it got. They got the kid off the court and I have no idea how he is, but that was some scary shit. Ironically, Coach Mike was right in the mix with the EMT's as far as treating the kid. Is Mike Brown a certified physician and I just don't know about it yet?

Best line of the night: "Man, what's up with that afro?"--Antonio Daniels to the very hairy Delonte West

So now I'm back to being a poor sports fan that just watches games at home. I will never be able to afford great seats like that ever again. For one night, playing the role of the rich guy was fucking awesome. Words will never be able to truly describe how giddy I was for just one preseason basketball game. Simply awesome. I can't wait for basketball to start up again.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Upset Stomach

I've been rolling recently on my upset picks. I nailed the Skins over the Cowboys, the Dolphins over the Chargers, and the Raiders over the Jets. So, before I head out for the weekend to enjoy some amazing Miami/Kent State football LIVE from Yager Stadium, I want to get my upset specials out in the open here. Nothing against the spread, I'm picking underdog winners. You won't get that from any other terrible sports blog, I can tell you that much.

I like a home dog Ohio State team to beat Penn State - prove me wrong, Daryll Clark
I also like Michigan to beat Sparty - Michigan State always folds in the second half of the season AND they never beat Michigan
I'll also take the Buccaneers to win in Big D - Brad Johnson is the absolute worst

There you have it. 3 upset winners this weekend. Any dumbass can pick the favorites, but I strive for greatness. I'll be back on Monday. Beat Cunt State!!!

A Glimpse At Royalty

How many of you are paying close attention to preseason NBA action? (tumbleweed rolls by) No one? Well, neither have I but tonight that changes. The Cleveland Cavaliers and Washington Wizards take the court at The Schott this evening and I will be on hand to support the wine and gold (with apparently pretty close seats). I also plan on running onto the court and murdering DeShawn Stevenson but let's keep that part of my plan on the hush-hush. So this will probably be my last post ever before the state gives me the needle.

It's starting to get ridiculous that in the last three weeks, I've been to a preseason NHL and now a preseason NBA game. Maybe one day I will get to a game that matters again. But I thought that on this Friday mail-in day, I would discuss my Cavs.

I'm starting to believe that this could be a very big year for the Cavaliers. Obviously, and it isn't even arguable, we have the best player in the world with Our King (and we will absolutely NOT discuss the 2010 offseason in the comments). We always have a chance with him on the floor. The question mark has always been around James' supporting cast. I am surely one of the few people that likes what LeBron has around him. Mo Williams was the big offseason acquisition and I think he has the capability to be a big time asset at point. Is he going to be LeBron's "Pippen"? Of course not. Pippen is one of the 50 best players of all time. But Mo can shoot, he can run, and he's a good free throw shooter. His past issues have been health and defense. No one knows if he'll play all 82 games but I'm 100% sure that Mike Brown will turn him into a better defender and he should take some pressure off of LeBron on the offensive end.

The backcourt has plenty of options. We don't really have a starting 2 guard but ironically have the best 2 guard depth in the league. Between Depressed Delonte, Boobie, Wally, and Sasha, Brown can just ride the hot hand in every game. I love the idea of the Cavs running small during stretches with Mo, Boobie, and Wally all on the court at the same time with Bron. That team will freaking score.

The frontcourt has me a little nervous though. Z is getting older and Ben Wallace is a shell of himself. I expect a nice season out of Varejao since he can become a free agent in the offseason (because that is what athletes do). I would love to see rookie JJ Hickson be able to earn some minutes as the talent appears to be there for him to be a very solid pro.

And then there's Mike Brown. Sigh. I like Coach Mike. I think he's a good coach. His defensive schemes are borderline brilliant (especially in the postseason). But he needs to take the training wheels off offensively. Let these guys run. When Z is on the bench, there is no reason why these young kids can't push it as opposed to just standing around waiting for Bron Bron to do something.

Barring a complete disaster, this is the team that the Cavs will have all season going into the playoffs. They aren't going to trade Wally for another piece unless they absolutely have to. The Cavaliers are second in the NBA as far as being over the salary cap goes and thus waaay into the luxury tax threshold. I think that they stand pat with what they have. But then again, who knows who will be available come February.

This Cavs team will be like past Cavs teams in which they have more than just a handful of mail-in losses over the course of the season. But I think that they can win the Central this year and potentially secure the 2 seed in the conference. Why? Because LeBron got his first taste of a title in the Olympics this summer and I like to think that that hunger to do it in the States is burning inside of him. The important thing is to avoid Boston as long as you can. My expectation for this team is a 55 win season.

Next week (and tonight, I guess), we RISE UP, BITCHES!!! Go Cavs!!! My NBA prediction post comes Tuesday.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Tasteless Observation Thursday

Brace yourself because even I find this pretty awful. Which one of these photos do you suppose would not root for a team named the "Rays"? And which one would be against a team named after horses? See you all in Hell.

Kilmer On Koaching

The coaching world, in both the professional and collegiate ranks, has been shaken up over the past few weeks. The incompetent have been replaced by the interims. In fact, this blog can't even keep up with all the firings around the sport. Luckily, I brought in former West Canaan High School coach, Bud Kilmer, in today to discuss the current coaching landscape.

G$: Coach, I want to thank you for joining me today. Which situation would you like to talk about first?
Bud: Listen kid. I can screw up your Brown scholarship, just like that! I have access to your transcript. I can do anything I want to here. You play my game my way, or you're dead for college.

G$: First of all, I graduated from college 5 years ago. Second, you can absolutely not do anything that you want to here, this blog has been Communist for awhile now. But I will play your game. Let's start with Tommy Bowden's departure from Clemson. The guy had a knack for not living up to expectations and not getting the most out of his players. I felt that his "resigning" was justified, you?
Bud: It makes me wonder if you know the difference between a sneeze and a wet fart.

G$: I do, actually, because I just accomplished both. Anyway, let's shift our focus to the NFL and the whole Scott Linehan sucks/gets fired/Haslett hired/Rams win two in a row conundrum. It appears that Linehan was just in way over his head. He tried his best, but he just wasn't ready to be a head coach in the NFL. If you could talk to his children, what would you say to them?
Bud: Your daddy was a no-talent pussy, but at least he listened!

G$: How sweet. It seems as though you are very good with kids. Anyway, did you get a chance to follow the Al Davis/Lane Kiffin saga? That was kind of a wild scene, don't you think?
Bud: When did the damn circus come to town. I didn't see no damn trucks.

G$: Ah, so you did see it. Man, that Al Davis looks horrible. Ain't no way that he won 23 district championships. Besides old age, bad fashion sense, and senility, what has been Al's biggest downfall as an owner?
Bud: Never show weakness, the only pain that matters is the pain you inflict.

G$: Got it. I assume that you want Davis to go on a shooting spree. In other news around the Bay area, the 49ers dumped Mike Nolan on Tuesday. Nolan was criticized constantly for his poor decision-making. To me, his main mistake was bringing in Mike Martz. How would you have done things differently if you were in Nolan's shoes?
Bud: Stick to the basics, stick to the basics, stick to the basics. We're a running team. You only call what I tell you to call.

G$: I hear you. They've got a great RB in Frank Gore but they've fallen in love with passing. But let's head South to your neck of the woods. I get the feeling that we are one loss away from seeing the Wade Phillips Era end in Big D. Is it really Wade's fault though?
Bud: The hard work of so many, sacrificed by the disrespect of few.

G$: How philosophical of you. If you were running the show in Dallas, would you start Tony Romo even with his broken pinkie finger?
Bud: Can he play? Can he play?

G$: That's what I was asking you, coach. Jesus, are you even listening to a word that I'm saying?
Bud: Cry me a river, you fat fucking baby!

G$: Well, that was uncalled for. I guess we should wrap this up since you are behaving like an asshole. Thanks, I guess, for agreeing to do this, Coach Kilmer.
Bud: You got to be the dumbest smart kid I know.
G$: Fuck you, Bud. Long live Moxon. He still doesn't want..................................your life.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Is Anyone Going To Watch This?

REMINDER!!! In case you didn't realize, the World Series starts tonight. The evil, win-at-all-costs Tampa Bay Rays take on the Philadelphia Phillies and their lovable and charming fans (or something like that). I figured that I probably should half-ass a prediction post. After all, since the Yankees aren't involved, this series means nothing (I actually believe this). But I will be watching nonetheless. The insane ramblings of Tim McCarver, along with the excrutiating smarminess of Joey Buck, is always an audial delight. Of course by "delight", I really mean a rectal binge.

Offense - The Rays do their damage with relative no-namers (Willie Aybar), youngsters (Longoria and Upton), and re-treads (Floyd and Pena). The Phillies have the mashing superstars with Rollins, Utley, Howard, and the incomparable professional hitting of Matt Stairs. Advantage - Phillies

Defense - The Rays have one of the fastest outfields of all time and a slick fielding infield. The Phillies have slow, plodding behemoths in the corners. Pat Burrell sucks. Advantage - Rays

Starters - Kazmir is too inconsistent. Big Game James Shields and Matt Garza are shining. Hamels is the best pitcher in the series. Jamie Moyer gums his food. Brett Myers will punch anyone that has a vagina. Advantage - Rays

Bullpen - I'm waiting for Brad Lidge to implode. I've been waiting all year though. Dan Wheeler is beyond terrible. If the Rays use David Price as a closer, that could be the difference maker. Advantage - Phillies

Manager - Joe Maddon is kind of a weirdo. He looks like a guy that reads Robert Frost and his designer glasses piss me off to no end. Charlie Manual gives me a "Lou Brown" vibe. Let's give them a shitburger! Advantage - Rays

Fans - The Rays have about 6 real fans and the rest of them bring cowbells to games. Phillies fans feel some sort of weird sense of entitlement that they deserve a championship. That's bullshit. Advantage - Phillies (I don't respect bandwagon jumpers)

Awesomeness - The Rays have the mohawks. The Phillies have Matt Stairs. Advantage - Phillies

Annoyance - The aforementioned cowbells in Tampa or Shane Victorino. Advantage - Rays (I hate that Hawaiian)

Deserving? - The Rays thankfully eliminated AJ Pierzynski, Ozzie Guillen, and Red Sox Nation. The Phillies can't come close to competing with that. Advantage - Rays

What happens? - If recent history tells us anything, the team that sits for awhile gets rusty and can't recover. Somehow, someway, the Rays are going to win this thing. After all, look at all the losers that won a title this year: Paul Pierce, KG, Ray Allen, Doc Rivers, Les Miles, Bill Self, Eli Manning, Tom Coughlin, The US Men's Olympic hoops team, and Michael Phelps. It's going to happen. The good thing is, you don't have to listen to idiots brag about this for 6 months (like, say, a Mr. Bill Simmons would have done if the Sox had won again). Rays in 6...still no one cares about them. Personally, I will not be rooting for the Rays. I won't root for the Phillies either. I just can't root for another AL team. The pride that I have in my own team prevents me from pulling for any of our competitors. I'm awesome that way.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

K2 Thinks That We Are All Idiots

OK, I've heard enough of this shit. Kellen Winslow spent some time in the Cleveland Clinic last week for undisclosed "personal reasons". He played (poorly) against the Redskins on Sunday. He did what he normally does and ran his mouth following the game. I'll let this big baby speak for himself:

"A big reason I'm upset right now has to do with [the staph infection]," said Winslow. "I heard from Romeo Crennel and I heard from my position coach [Alfredo Roberts] when I was in the Clinic. I heard from my teammates. But I never heard from the main man -- Phil Savage -- and that really disappoints me. Sometimes I don't even feel a part of this team.

"I feel I've done a lot for this team, played through a lot of pain and given it my all. I just thought there'd be a little more 'how are you doing?' by him."

Where do we start as far as trying to discredit Dr. Winslow's medical opinion. How about here first: If you had a staph infection, then why were you so adamant that that news stay "in house"? Staph infections, especially on the Browns, are a fairly common and bizarre occurrence so why the need to keep quiet on the reason for your hospital stay?

Or how about this: In this day and age, NOTHING stays quiet. The story was leaked that you had swollen testicles. We all know that this is true and nothing short of your medical chart is going to change my opinion on it. It was rumored that it was a reaction from a sexually-transmitted disease. I still haven't heard K2 deny this claim. How would you even get staph in your nuts anyway? Is he rubbing his ballbag on the locker room shower floor? That does sound like something that a soldier would do...

Do you think that Kellen Winslow even thought for one second that the reason why Phil Savage didn't call him was because Winslow is a sack of shit that continues to disappoint and burn (pun intended) the organization? Between motorcycle wrecks, numerous injuries, and a broken scrotum, the guy has played about 6 games in his career yet is bitching about being treated poorly by a franchise that pays him millions of dollars.

I hope that the Browns do suspend him. Fuck this guy. He at least deserves a Reggie Roby punt to his enlarged speedbag.

So THAT'S What You Do In Nebraska

Joba Chamberlain was on the receiving end of a DUI this past weekend. Nice. The one Yankee that I have yet to get pissed off at just pissed me off.

There is nothing wrong with getting wasted. There is nothing wrong with driving a BMW. There is something wrong when you put them together, have open containers, are speeding, and you are hanging out in Nebraska.

Look, everyone keeps saying how this is the biggest election of our lives. Well, this offseason for the Yankees is the biggest in a very long time. We don't need our future ace to be commandeering booze cruises through some hillbilly's cornfield. Come on, Joba, you are better than this. This is the kind of white trash behavior of a Justin Verlander (except he only drinks Mountain Dew due to his extreme white trashness).

That sound that you just heard was Hank Steinbrenner's head exploding.

SITE NEWS!!! We are switching things up a bit here. I'm going to go with shorter and more frequent posts. Tuesday and Wednesday features from the past will be scrapped. We're running lean and mean and will be focusing more on my opinions of current stories. If you don't like it...ummm, you better like it.

Monday, October 20, 2008

A Tribute To Spitting

I think that it's pretty safe to say that Chiefs RB, Larry Johnson, is a pretty bad dude. Johnson is being investigated for allegedly spitting a drink in a woman's face at a nightclub, the fourth time in five years he's been accused of assaulting a woman. It's also being reported that he threatened to kill the boyfriend of the same woman that he spit on. Bravo, Larry. If you want to confront people that deserve your ire, how about going after any moron that drafted you in the first round of fantasy drafts, Brodie Croyle, or your brain-dead headcoach? How about you just give these young ladies a break. Boy, do I wish my team just signed this fine citizen to a massive contract extension.

So, in "honor" of Larry Johnson's recent behavior that will likely get him suspended by the Commish, we're doing a tribute to famous spitters of the world. I actually did about 20 minutes of research for this and I think it will speak for itself:

Roger McDowell (Seinfeld) - He was the second spitter behind the bushes on the gravelly road. Our day was ruined.

Daniel Stern (Rookie of the Year) - I couldn't find a picture of him as the idiot coach in that crappy movie so I went with the hilarious Home Alone picture instead. I have no regrets.

Brett Favre (Jerk-ass) - Oh, he may have not literally spit on anyone, but when you are giving secrets to the Lions on how to beat the Packers, you are spitting on your legacy. Good job losing to the Raiders.

Gene Simmons (KISS/bad reality show) - He may be a real-life version of Krusty the Klown since his name is on every product imaginable, but you can't deny how awesome it is to spit "blood".

HHH (WWE) - It takes a special kind of skill to spit water on your fans and they love you even more.

Roseanne Barr (terrible blogger) - Not many people would butcher the National Anthem and then spit afterwards...if she did that today she would get a first class ticket for some Gitmo waterboarding.

Sean Taylor (deceased badass) - In a 2005 playoff game, 21 was ejected for spitting on Michael Pittman. Pittman is a pretty sketchy guy himself so I don't hold this against Sean.

The Old Brass Spittoon (old brass spittoon) - By far, the greatest trophy in all of college football.

Honorable Mention: The kid from Big Daddy, Stiffler in Road Trip for his loogey that destroyed a bridge, and every baseball player in The Naked Gun's Enrico Pallazzo scene.

Well, that was fun, eh? Where were we though? Oh yeah! Larry Johnson is a titanic douche.

The Worst of Week Seven Vol. II

I'll take it but it doesn't mean that I have to like it. Damn, the Redskins are really causing me a ton of stress this season. Once again, they completely dominate the game and survive by the skin of their teeth. Very frustrating, but as I said, I'll take anything. I won't complain about being 5-2 and a game and a half up on the 'Boys and Iggles. Especially this season where it parity is running rampant. Maybe the Rams aren't as bad as we thought and it was Scott Linehan that was killing that team? Sure looks that way now that Steven Jackson is a beast again. But it's time to get to the worst of week 7 because, well, a lot of people sucked. We are very superstar QB-heavy this week because superstar QB's were all rotten. I think that's fair, no? Let's get started because I'm already salivating over the thoughts of the Redskins eeking out a win over the horrific Lions next Sunday.

10. The Tampa Bay Rays - I'm writing this up on Sunday night before game seven has even started, yet I know how this is going to unfold. The Rays are going to lose. Why? Because the Red Sox are douche bags and refuse to die. I hate them. Go Phillies. When Jonathon Fagelbon closes out the game tonight, I'm going to eat my own face. Fuck you, Tampa. (If the Rays ending up winning this game, YAY RAYS! I knew you had it in ya!)

9. HERM! Edwards defense - There's a difference between losing a lot (Lions) and losing a lot while at least being competitive (Bengals). The Chiefs, as my friend with the bag on his head will attest to, are terrible. They gave up over 300 yards RUSHING to a team that is not a threat to beat them through the air. The Titans are good, but they aren't "LenDale White waddling for 140 yards and 3 TD's" good.

8. LaDainian Tomlinson - 40-some yards rushing just isn't going to cut it when you are supposed to be the best running back in the NFL. I don't get the Chargers at all. It's as though any time that they have to take more than a 2 hour flight to play a game, they always lose. This is what you get when Norv Turner has the title of head coach on your team. Bet on it now, the Saints beat the Chargers in London next week and I'm basing this solely on the long flight.

7. Gus Frerotte - Not only does Gus look EXACTLY like Big Brother 10 winner, Dan, he's also awful! You will never win a game when you throw 4 picks against the same team that was torched by Matt Ryan a week earlier. My pick of the Vikings playing in the Super Bowl looks worse and worse every time Gus drops back to pass.

6. Drew Brees - The Saints are more than just a bit of an enigma. How is a team with that offense now 3-4? And they weren't even competitive against the Panthers. Hairy Mole couldn't get a TD pass and Reggie Bush is done for a month...this season could be unraveling for N'Awlins. At least they get Norv on Sunday...his idiocy should help them get a win.

5. Romeo Crennel (The HERM! Edwards Memorial Spot) - This guy has no idea how to coach. He kicks meaningless field goals in the 4th quarter when he shouldn't and then does the exact opposite when he should. Maybe he's making decisions based on the Costanzian Principle that "if everything I've ever done has been wrong, then the exact opposite has to be right". Look, ya big turd, when you are down 14-3 with 4+minutes left and have a 4th and goal from the 3, YOU KICK THE FIELD GOAL EVERY FUCKING TIME! Oh well, worked out for me.

4. Derek Anderson/Braylon Edwards - I was getting ready to just single out DA here because he truly is awful and might be the worst starting QB in the league. And as a DA owner in more than one league, I KNOW how bad this guy is. But then I thought about it and realized that he has 4 completions and 50 extra yards taken out of his stat column every week because Braylon Edwards can't catch the ball. Braylon Edwards is ROTTEN. That guy has worse hands than a guy that doesn't have arms.

3. Brad Johnson - NOW do you see, Cowboys fans? You won't win a single game with Brad Johnson behind center. The guy sucks. The Rams looked like the 2000 Ravens defense against that shitty offense. My favorite part of this game was when they would show T.O., in the FIRST half, and he had already quit on his team. It didn't matter to him, he was done for the day. So much for his leadership...and they need Romo back immediately or they will NOT make the playoffs.

2. Brett Favre - No touchdowns AND he lost to the Raiders...well played, sir. I've never shied away from my discontent toward Favre and desire for him to lose every game so this one is extra sweet.

1. Peyton Manning - As Winston Wolf once eloquently said, "let's not start sucking each other's dicks yet". Yeah, so what, the Colts hung 31 on the Ravens last week. The season is more than just one week. And the Colts completely pissed away that effort with yesterday's 34-14 suckfest in Green Bay. It might not be all Peyton's fault, but fuck it, the Packers aren't very good and he shouldn't get blown out by an Aaron Rodgers-led team. There is a solid chance that the Colts are missing the playoffs as well.

Well, there we go. A quick shout-out to my beloved RedHawks who mustered up some strength and execution that I haven't seen in awhile to defeat the hated Bowling Green STD's on Saturday. It just so happens to be our first win over a Div-I team this year and brings us to 2-5! Man, we're good. I'll be back tomorrow with something sexy (likely a massive lie).

Friday, October 17, 2008

Taco Bell Is Retarded

I'm sure that you have all seen those ads on TV for Taco Bell's Triple Steak Diarrhea Wrap. They are absolutely ridiculous. The premise is that these guys are out on a man-date at some high-priced steakhouse. One of the guys doesn't order anything but says that the valet is bringing him his meal. Of course, it's Taco Bell being handed to him through a window. Here are my issues that make this the most unrealistic thing that I've ever seen:

1. The waiter likely comes to take their orders and the guy has to say something to the effect of, "Nope, I'm good. I've got that idiot in the parking lot getting me some Taco Bell. I figured that you would have no problem with me having food delivered into your restaurant. After all, I'm not really a steak guy. I'm more of a TRIPLE steak guy!!!"

2. Why did the Triple Steak guy even go out to dinner with his buddies if he was just going to order Taco Bell anyway? Isn't that like going to a strip club but thinking and talking about your wife the entire time? That guy didn't look drunk, so why would he prefer grade Z-minus taco meat over steak?

3. Taco Bell doesn't deliver/a valet would never leave their post to get food for some asshole. And you can't think that there was a big tip involved from some chode that eats dinner at Taco Bell.

4. When said asshole pulls the Triple Steak from the Taco Bell bag, it's already half-opened up so you can see the food! THEY DON'T SERVE THEIR SHIT THAT WAY. That drives me freaking nuts!

I hate commercials. I hate Taco Bell (unless I'm drunk in which I love Taco Bell). I had to get this off my chest. And since this is coming to you after my Friday post, you should consider this your "Fourth Meal".

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Whatever Happened to the NCAA Career Scoring Leader?

Quick! Name the player who holds the NCAA record for career points and rushing touchdowns and is also 5th all-time in rushing yards? Herschel Walker? No. OJ Simpson? Nope. Barry Sanders? Get a clue. Unless you are crazy like me, you have long since forgotten about the man who holds these records (if you ever thought about him anyway). The stud running back that I'm talking about is/was Miami University's own, Touchdown Travis Prentice.

With Saturday's showdown between Javon Ringer and Chris Wells looming, I figured I could bring a seldom talked about rushing great back to the forefront...even if it's just for a day.

I thought long and hard about this because, as a Miami alumnus myself, you would think that Ben Roethlisberger is my favorite football player ever. But honestly, I think that I liked Travis more. And I've been thinking about his gridiron prowess a lot recently. Since my RedHawks are currently a down and decrepit program that can't/doesn't try to run the ball, I've been longing for the days when I watched one of the best college running backs of all time each and every Fall Saturday. In fact, instead of spewing more vitriol on, I asked if anyone out there had any info regarding the whereabouts of my favorite RedHawk of all time. A poster stating that he is Travis's brother relayed this:

For those inquiring, Travis is doing well outside of football. He still follows the game with enthusiasm, but would tell you that the "business" of football is a quite different experience. He makes no apologies for his on-field professional performance, despite his critics.

One would only need to look at the team performance before and during his first and only year at Cleveland to realize that it would have been difficult for even the best of backs to perform given the offensive deficiencies. He'll tell you that he really looked forward to returning to Cleveland for a solid 2nd season, but the business of football called for new plans. New coach, new strategy. The balance of his short career really ended in Minnesota, while being limited to short yardage plays and special teams. He wasn't going to replace Kleinsasser as their short-yardage fullback, nor was he going to replace a stable of running backs already familiar with the Vikings system, i.e. then 1st round draft pick Michael Bennett and backups Doug Chapman and Harold Morrow.

Next, Chris Palmer brought him in to complete for a spot with the Texans. He didn't stick there vying for a RB spot behind 1st rounder, Jonathan Wells and veteran starter, James Allen. He was released on the final cut.
He was picked up last 4 games of the 2002 season by Arizona Cardinals, but didn't dress. The intention was to provide a solid backup to then starter Marcel Shipp. Made a strong showing in the 2003 training camp and pre-season, competing against the demoted starter Marcel Shipp and their 2nd round pick Josh Scobey. As he explains, his spot was secured until the signing of Emmitt Smith, which made him expendable, largely because he never became a solid Special Teams player.

After being released by Arizona, Pittsburgh and Tampa Bay called for his presence in their training camps in 2004. Travis chose not to continue with the "journeyman" option, deciding in favor of hanging up his cleats. In his words, "I had no desire to relocate again, and offer up my body for weeks simply for the coaching staff to evaluate their preferred backs under the guise of competition. It's time to move on with my life."

Now he's a family man running his own business, happy to have the business of football behind him. No regrets, but always the thought of what a 2nd season in Cleveland would have been. Selfishly, I'd like to see my brother's jersey retired, as I believe his accomplishments on the field and off the field during his time at Miami were worthy of such a recognition. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way, so maybe one day it will happen for him.

Well, there you have it. Seriously, look at all of the NCAA rushing records and Travis Prentice will be near the top of every stat category. The guy was a beast yet unfortunately, not many of you ever got to see him play. And from this post, you can see that a guy can do everything right and work his ass off, but sometimes that just isn't enough. Sometimes the circumstances surrounding you are too great. I wouldn't say that this is a cautionary tale, but it is definitely a reason why all college football players should strive in the classroom just as much as they do on the field. Because you can't play football forever.

I've always believed, and I always will, that Travis Prentice got fucked by the Browns. How'd James Jackson and Willie Green work out for you? No one will change my mind on that. And while I wish that he could have had a long and successful career in the NFL (like Big Ben is going to have), it's nice to see that he's at a good place in his life. Travis, if this somehow/some way gets back to you, you will ALWAYS have this blogger as a fan.

G$ Has Accomplished Something!

I'll be the first one to admit that I've been very fortunate to witness some pretty cool shit in my life. Today, I'm going to list ten of my favorite/most amazing sporting events that I have seen live and in person. Pretty simple, eh? Beanie did something similar to this awhile ago over at his turd of a site, yet here I am, stealing it from him. Oh well, he'll get over it. On with the show:

10. The Tennis Match Heard 'Round The World
I'm a year older than my sister. Back when we were, something like 12 and 13 year olds, we took tennis lessons (offered by the city and not some club, by the way, I'm still "street") in the summer. One day, we were pitted against each other in an epic battle of the sexes/siblings. Sis got off to a sizzling 5-0 game lead and I was fuming. How could I be losing to inferior competition (she later went on to State in high school)? But I executed one of the greatest comebacks in the history of mankind and won 6-5 (we only played one set and it was the first to 6). I was celebrating every point like I just made a running jumper over Craig Ehlo and after my sister's losing fate was sealed, she vowed to never play against me again (because I was either too good or too big of an asshole). That vow has yet to be broken. And I will always remember this excellent athletic accomplishment.

9. Seeing Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods in their prime
I saw Michael play a few times actually. Once in the old Bulls stadium but I was too young to really remember and then again at Richfield Coliseum in probably 1990-91. If I remember correctly, he put in 35 that night. Jordan, obviously, was one of those guys that you never went up to the concourse and took a piss when he was on the floor. I saw Tiger two years ago at The Memorial. It's pretty cool to see a global icon up close but following him is a disaster. There are just too many people with that same intent.

8. The 2004 PBA World Championship LIVE from the thriving metropolis of Ypsilanti!
You better your sweet ass that I love me some bowling. I met my roommate from college and we actually waited in line to get into the Eastern Michigan Convocation Center to watch some live keggling. It was awesome. I still have my Walter Ray Williams, Jr. autographed ticket stub. That piece of memorabilia alone would likely solve this country's financial woes.

7. A Night Game in SEC Country
My Senior year in college, Big Ben and the RedHawks played Saban's LSU Tigers in a night game. We kind of just made the decision to go drive the 15 hours down there a few days before the game (while securing some free tickets) and I'm glad that we did. What an experience. Look, I've been to Ohio State and Michigan and Michigan State and let me tell you, it doesn't compare at all to an SEC night game. You HAVE to go to one at some point in your life. Once you experience it, you will understand what I'm talking about. It just means more there and the women are much hotter.

6. Ron Lewis bends over a Musketeer
Ah yes, the trip to Lexington from 18 months ago which was also the last time that my digital camera worked. I love going to the first and second round games. My dad used to take me when I was younger and last year was the first time that I took some initiative and road tripped. We got to see the best game of the tournament and one of the best games I've ever seen with Greg Oden and the Buckeyes coming back from the dead to beat Xavier in overtime. There were so many pro players there for that weekend, too (Oden, Conley, Daequan Cook, Acie Law, the Lopez twins, etc.). Just outstanding.

5. Ending an almost 20 year drought
Unfortunately, I was already out of college in 2003 when the Miami RedHawks finally pulled their shit together and won the MAC Championship (also going 13-1 and ending the season ranked #10 in the polls). Back in those days, the title game was played on campus and I was able to go to BG and watch Big Ben ROLL the Falcons to win the league. I ran onto the field after the game and actually touched the MAC trophy. I know, I'm special (It's also like the time I touched the WWF Title. I didn't mean to, I was actually trying to give Shawn Michaels a cup-check). I have long since given up on seeing Miami hoist a trophy in football again.

4. The weekend when Miles Simon was famous
The RCA Dome was a fucking dump but in 1997 (I think), it was rocking. Dad took me along to Indy for the Final Four and we got a good one. Bobby Jackson's Gophers lost to Pitino's Wildcats and Bibby's Wildcats beat Stackhouse and Sheed's Tar Heels. The Final Four is a blast...I would like to maybe make it up to Detroit when it's there. Because other than the NFL, college hoops is my dawg.

3. The greatest rivalry in all of sports
I've been to Ohio State/Michigan games at both places and it doesn't compare to attending a Yankees/Red Sox game. It just doesn't. Don't try and argue this because you have no argument. I was at games 1 and 2 of the 2003 (Aaron Boone) series in New York. The Red Sox won game 1 and the Yankees salvaged a split before winning in 7. There's just always a WTF? buzz in the air when those two teams meet.

2. The Banks Are Open
I thought long and hard about putting this #1. Two years ago, the RedHawk basketball team entered the MAC tournament as a 4 seed. They crushed 5 seed OU in the quarters and slipped by 1 seed Toledo in the semi's setting up a final against the hated Akron Zips (their coach is the whiniest douche around). I made the trek up to Cleveland for the game and it was a classic. Senior guard, Doug Penno, banked in a three at the buzzer to send the RedHawks to The Dance. I can't even describe how overjoyed I was. I guess I would say that it was probably like if a 16 year old kid was told that he could lose his virginity to Megan Fox. Something like that. I will NEVER forget that game.

1. Rypien Up Minneapolis
Many people don't believe me when I tell them this, but I have been to a Super Bowl. In fact, I was in attendance for the last Super Bowl that the Redskins played in/won. It was a strange day. For some reason, my dad asked me, an 11 year old kid mind you, to hold onto the tickets and I nearly dropped them in a sewer grate. I swear to God, they were just laying on top of a sewer while the both of us were frozen in fear and didn't know what to do. Then at halftime, I took a piss next to Boomer Esiason. It was intense. That was hands down the coolest event of my life. I just hope that some day I will be able to follow the Skins to a Super Bowl again.

Hey, that was fun and guess what? That trip down memory lane was therapeutic. I guess I can take the blogger's suicide hotline off of my cell phone now. If you have anything cool to share, feel free to shove it up your ass/leave it in the comments. One final note, I left one person off of this list on purpose and we're talking about him tomorrow.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "Sometimes it's just fun to revel in someone else's pain" Edition. Allow me to happily explain that.

***It's armageddon in Big D; someone notify Ed Werder, post haste! - As a guy that is eating up the turmoil coming out of Dallas, I am loving this. In the past 36 hours or so, Tony Romo has been ruled out for a month, same with Felix Jones, their really good punter is out for the season, and Jerry Jones completely fucked up by trading for Roy Williams. Now they have two worthless Roy Williams' on the team. Well done. Let's address these separately. I have to admit, when I found out that Romo was going to miss 3 games, I was a bit giddy. Not because I root for guys to get hurt (I really don't, well, except for Papelbon), but because Brad Johnson is completely terrible and Cowboys fans deserve to have to watch him not be able to throw a 10 yard out. Felix's hamstring is a killer, too. They lose their kick returner and change of pace back and the kid made plays all over the field. Every time I watched the Boys, McBriar averaged about 50 yards per punt. Good luck digging up Sean Landeta or Reggie Roby. And of course the overreaction of the trade for a guy that the Lions didn't even want, talk about stupid. The Cowboys have holes on the o-line, secondary, and backfield yet they trade for a crybaby WR and overpay for him as well. The Cowboys are a sinking ship right now. This is NOT a Super Bowl contending team. I would not be surprised if they lost their next 3 games (@STL, TB, @NYG) and miss the playoffs. And I haven't even mentioned...

***You were warned, asshole - Pacman Jones. He's been suspended for at least 4 games for drunk-fighting his security guard. I applaud Roger Goodell for this. He allowed this criminal to return to the game but gave him a zero tolerance policy. And like we all expected, he fucked that up even quicker than I thought he would. Look, Pacman Jones is a loser. He always has been and he always will be. Do I hope that he can turn his life around? Of course, because that is a humane thing to do. But he should be done with the NFL forever. Out. Gone for good. Pac was given a 20th chance and he blew it. It's time to say goodbye. And good for you, Jerry Jones. Maybe stacking your team with horrible character guys and hoping that they've learned their lesson isn't such a good idea? This is a football team, not a fantasy football team. Jerry used to do things the right way (building through the draft and with character guys), now he appears to be turning into some sort of hybrid Steinbrenner. I hope he dies of rectal AIDS. Wait, that's not nice. I hope he dies from two much of his head eaten by a lion (Matt Millen perhaps?).

***Do I really have to root for my fantasy kyptonite now? - Last year, I drafted Shaun Alexander in the first round of my fantasy draft. I had to give every member of my league a rusty trombone just to take him off my hands. Needless to say, I HATE Alexander. But lo and behold, my Redskins signed him yesterday. Sigh. I don't know what to think about this. I can't possibly root for this shithead, can I? Ladizzle Betts is on the shelf for a few weeks and the team is trying to justify this by saying that Zorn knows how to use him, but come on. Well, you know what, I'm starting to see why they did this now. Since the Browns are coming to DC this week for an ass-kicking, they want to rub it in as badly as possible. Not only will the Skins win by two touchdowns, they want to say to "Believeland", not only are we better than you, even Shaun Alexander is better than you. Boy, that will be an awesome slap in the face. One thing is for sure, Shaun Rogers won't be the slowest and fattest guy on the field this Sunday.

***Call me John Kerry because I'm flip-flopping - Last Wednesday, I predicted that the Dodgers and Red Sux would be playing in the World Series. As I write this at 9 pm on Tuesday night, the Rays are up 5-0 in game 4 and the Phillies will win one of the next 3 against Joe Torre. It's time to start realizing that the World Series will be played in Tampa and Philadelphia. What do we think about this? It should be a competitive series but no casual fan will be tuning in. Ryan Howard will be the most known player and that's only because he does Subway commercials. The ratings will be awful. I really think that this is the Phillies title to lose though. They just seem to be firing on all cylinders right now. Even someone as awesome as Matt Stairs is cranking 800 foot home runs. The important thing about this is that the Red Sox are likely going to go home losers this year. And that feels really good. Almost as good as waking up in the morning to find out that Jerry Jones was kidnapped by pirates and was sodomized by The Goonies.

***The only person more deserving to be "fired" is his dad - Tommy Bowden finally did the right thing and stopped coaching at Clemson. I hate it when a guy steps down when everyone knows that he was fired. Just admit that you were fired! Man, I'm sure he's a nice guy and all but that guy just can't put it together. This was supposed to be the year that they challenged for a BCS title yet they fucked that up big time. It's like Mike Scioscia against the Red Sox. No matter what he did, he never could get his team over the hump. Except that with Bowden, his Red Sox was the crappy ACC. So I guess it's not like that at all. If I'm Clemson, I go balls deep to try and get Brian Kelly to leave Cincinnati. The guy is a first class asshole, but he can coach. Or Jim Grobe, either one would be a huge upgrade. I think we might be a few months away from having college football be "Bowden-free". Speaking of which, whatever happened to Terry Bowden? Is he riding around on the Ship of Lost Souls (mandatory Simpsons reference of the day)?

***It's time to tell you why The Office sucks - I've taken a few shots at The Office recently and today I'm laying it all on the line. The Office is a crappy show. If you think differently, I bet that you also watch The Hills because you don't know TV. First of all, Michael Scott is the worst character on TV. He's not funny. He's so over the top that I can't even chuckle at his stupid antics anymore. I work in a big office with a lot of idiots and let me tell you, NO ONE acts like that. The Jim and Pam saga...who gives a fuck? That entire story has run it's course. They've completely turned Dwight into a vile shithead as well. Gone are the days where he was a humorous and anal-rententive office cop; enter the days where he is a secretive douche that is sleeping with his co-worker's fiance. How am I supposed to like someone that pulls crap like that? They don't even let Creed, Stanley, Darrell, or Kevin talk anymore when those 4 are clearly the only funny people in that office. Instead, we are beaten over the head with the return of d-bag Ryan, relationships forming, and the new human resources chick that is just a giant nerd. The show has no direction and is just stuck wading in unfunny territory. It has morphed from a non-stop 30 minute hilarious premise to an often times 60 minutes of uncomfortable relationship humor. Or as I like to call it, Everybody Loves Raymond in an office setting. Get your shit together, people that write for this show. Your act is stale and unfunny (like this blog!). We need 30 Rock back.

Rant over. OK, I have to get something off of my chest before we go for the day. I've come to realize that my "writing" has been overtly negative recently. I don't like it. It's spilling over into my regular life and it feels like I'm constantly pissed off. This blog has been effecting my own demeanor in a negative way and that was the exact opposite of why I started this. Right now, I'm not having much fun. Don't get me wrong, we're not going anywhere and I'm not quitting, but I just need to refocus myself a little bit and get back to having some fun and not always gear toward the ills of society. So, at least for the rest of the week, I'm going to write positive things here. And I'm toiling with the idea of maybe bringing in some new blood. --a hopefully kinder and gentler G$