Monday, September 08, 2008
Week one of the NFL season is in the books (not really, but who cares) and you all know what that means...The Money Shot is taking a look at the worst performers of the week. And we've got some great candidates this week. On a personal level, my college football team sucks, my NFL team could very well suck, and my fantasy teams went a robust 0-3 this weekend. I am just flat out awesome. Fuck, it could be a long Fall. At least I have my Monday topics covered for the next 4-5 months so I've got that going for me. Let's get rolling with the worst of the weekend.
10. The Big Ten - No, you didn't get embarrassed this weekend but you very easily could have. Michigan was actually outplayed by my RedHawks on Saturday but our WR's have worse hands than a certain Browns WR that you will be reading about shortly. Now that I've seen them play I can officially say that Michigan is a BAD football team. And the Buckeyes sleepwalked their way to a less than inspiring victory over The Ohio's. That was pathetic. I watched both of these games and the MAC played their asses off in both. I caught shit for actually rooting for my rival school, The Ohio's, too. Look, they suck and shouldn't have been in that game at all. I have no problem throwing a little support to DUI Solich if it means that the al-Qaeda Buckeyes might be beaten. It's different from an OSU fan rooting for Michigan in a bowl game...much different. Good luck getting destroyed by the Trojans and Irish next week, you posers.
9. Brett Favre - I know his team won. But did you see that second TD pass? He pulled the same shit he's been doing for years and just launched in the air without even looking. Words can't describe how lucky this fucker is. I want to choke him with a pair of his own Wranglers.
8. Scott Linehan - This guy should have been fired the day before he was hired as head coach...he's that bad. It takes a special kind of crappy coaching job to make Donovan McNabb look good. Speaking of which, McNabb can suck the hairiest part of my scrotum. The Rams are awful. Adolf Goodell should think long and hard about contracting this shitstain organization.
7. Ronde Barber - Aren't you and the rest of your teammates on defense supposed to be good? What the hell was that? And my God, Jeff Garcia looked awful. The Bucs suck.
6. Matt Hasselbeck - If you aren't healthy and can't contribute, SIT DOWN. He's taking painkillers in his back like Kim Kardashian takes black dick and it just isn't working. There is no excuse to have less than a 50% completion percentage in the West Coast offense. And are the Bills really that good or are the Seahawks done? Interesting question but I'm calling it now...The Buffalo Bills are going undefeated! No one will defeat this juggernaut.
5. Norv Turner/Romeo Crennel (The HERM! Edwards Memorial Spot) - If you remember, we reserve spot #5 for the worst coaches of the week. How the Chargers lost that game is something I may never understand. But it's just nice to see Norv's confused face on the big screen again...I missed the little devil that has a face that only Julian Tavarez's mother could love. And Romeo, when you're down 21 points in the 4th quarter and have a 4th and 3, kicking a field goal should NEVER be an option. That was beyond cowardly. Thank you, Browns fans, for booing that decision like it deserved. Fucking pussy.
4. Lions Defense - Wow. Nice fucking performance. The Atlanta Falcons? Michael Turner for over 200 yards? Matt Ryan actually winning his first game? Did they even scout Atlanta? How about you fucking stop somebody. I didn't see any of this game due to my pact of not watching a Falcons game all year, but I have to think that maybe the Lions didn't even bring their defense this week. That could be the only reason to explain this abortion of a performance. Drew, did this really happen? Enjoy your 5 win season.
3. Tom Brady - With one fell swoop, millions of fantasy owners cried out in fear and agony. Some fucker on the Chiefs takes his knee out, Dreamboat takes off to the locker room, and guys like me sit stewing in my own crapulence knowing that my fantasy season just ended. Rumor has it that he blew out his knee and is done for the year. Fantastic. But he shouldn't be allowed to bang his supermodel girlfriend anymore because that is just rubbing salt in my open herpes sores. Good lord, I don't want to have to start Jason Campbell or The Golden Arm of Todd Collins or whatever scrub is still out there on the waiver wire. Fuck the Patriots and their fans. Do you think that maybe the sports Gods are starting to give Bill Belichick his karmic payback???
2. Carson Palmer - I was "lucky" enough to get to watch the Ravens/Bingles game yesterday and boy was that an impressive sight. I've said it before and I'll say it again...CARSON PALMER SUCKS. He wasn't even close to getting into the red zone and, get this, lost to Joe Flacco in his first game. I said that the Rams should be contracted earlier and so should the Bingles. It is a fucking disgraceful organization that embarrasses itself in new and creative ways every week. One more time, CARSON PALMER SUCKS. He hasn't gotten better in the last 3 seasons. He is nothing more than an average NFL QB.
1. Braylon Edwards - It was the first of many nationally televised Browns games this year. You've got the big, bad Dallas Cowboys coming to town. You've got a rabid fanbase ready to see the team get over the hump this year. And what did Braylon do in response? He dropped every pass thrown his way and had a couple of stupid penalties to boot. That was embarrassing. I felt bad for Derek Anderson surprisingly. His big target was awful and his O-line couldn't have blocked the Napoleon High School D-Line. Don't hurt yourself jumping off the Browns bandwagon because after the Stillers crush them next week, there's going to be a mass exodus from that thing.
Man, as much as I love the NFL and all the great things that come with it, that was a pretty shitty opening weekend. Next week better be...better? Before I go, did any of you see the intro to Sunday NFL Countdown where all of the "analysts" are walking all stern-faced through some gay steel mill? It was hilarious because Berman looked like someone told him that they were out of scotch. Whatever, fuck Tom Brady.