Monday, September 08, 2008

The Worst of Week One Vol. II

Week one of the NFL season is in the books (not really, but who cares) and you all know what that means...The Money Shot is taking a look at the worst performers of the week. And we've got some great candidates this week. On a personal level, my college football team sucks, my NFL team could very well suck, and my fantasy teams went a robust 0-3 this weekend. I am just flat out awesome. Fuck, it could be a long Fall. At least I have my Monday topics covered for the next 4-5 months so I've got that going for me. Let's get rolling with the worst of the weekend.

10. The Big Ten - No, you didn't get embarrassed this weekend but you very easily could have. Michigan was actually outplayed by my RedHawks on Saturday but our WR's have worse hands than a certain Browns WR that you will be reading about shortly. Now that I've seen them play I can officially say that Michigan is a BAD football team. And the Buckeyes sleepwalked their way to a less than inspiring victory over The Ohio's. That was pathetic. I watched both of these games and the MAC played their asses off in both. I caught shit for actually rooting for my rival school, The Ohio's, too. Look, they suck and shouldn't have been in that game at all. I have no problem throwing a little support to DUI Solich if it means that the al-Qaeda Buckeyes might be beaten. It's different from an OSU fan rooting for Michigan in a bowl game...much different. Good luck getting destroyed by the Trojans and Irish next week, you posers.

9. Brett Favre - I know his team won. But did you see that second TD pass? He pulled the same shit he's been doing for years and just launched in the air without even looking. Words can't describe how lucky this fucker is. I want to choke him with a pair of his own Wranglers.

8. Scott Linehan - This guy should have been fired the day before he was hired as head coach...he's that bad. It takes a special kind of crappy coaching job to make Donovan McNabb look good. Speaking of which, McNabb can suck the hairiest part of my scrotum. The Rams are awful. Adolf Goodell should think long and hard about contracting this shitstain organization.

7. Ronde Barber - Aren't you and the rest of your teammates on defense supposed to be good? What the hell was that? And my God, Jeff Garcia looked awful. The Bucs suck.

6. Matt Hasselbeck - If you aren't healthy and can't contribute, SIT DOWN. He's taking painkillers in his back like Kim Kardashian takes black dick and it just isn't working. There is no excuse to have less than a 50% completion percentage in the West Coast offense. And are the Bills really that good or are the Seahawks done? Interesting question but I'm calling it now...The Buffalo Bills are going undefeated! No one will defeat this juggernaut.

5. Norv Turner/Romeo Crennel (The HERM! Edwards Memorial Spot) - If you remember, we reserve spot #5 for the worst coaches of the week. How the Chargers lost that game is something I may never understand. But it's just nice to see Norv's confused face on the big screen again...I missed the little devil that has a face that only Julian Tavarez's mother could love. And Romeo, when you're down 21 points in the 4th quarter and have a 4th and 3, kicking a field goal should NEVER be an option. That was beyond cowardly. Thank you, Browns fans, for booing that decision like it deserved. Fucking pussy.

4. Lions Defense - Wow. Nice fucking performance. The Atlanta Falcons? Michael Turner for over 200 yards? Matt Ryan actually winning his first game? Did they even scout Atlanta? How about you fucking stop somebody. I didn't see any of this game due to my pact of not watching a Falcons game all year, but I have to think that maybe the Lions didn't even bring their defense this week. That could be the only reason to explain this abortion of a performance. Drew, did this really happen? Enjoy your 5 win season.

3. Tom Brady - With one fell swoop, millions of fantasy owners cried out in fear and agony. Some fucker on the Chiefs takes his knee out, Dreamboat takes off to the locker room, and guys like me sit stewing in my own crapulence knowing that my fantasy season just ended. Rumor has it that he blew out his knee and is done for the year. Fantastic. But he shouldn't be allowed to bang his supermodel girlfriend anymore because that is just rubbing salt in my open herpes sores. Good lord, I don't want to have to start Jason Campbell or The Golden Arm of Todd Collins or whatever scrub is still out there on the waiver wire. Fuck the Patriots and their fans. Do you think that maybe the sports Gods are starting to give Bill Belichick his karmic payback???

2. Carson Palmer - I was "lucky" enough to get to watch the Ravens/Bingles game yesterday and boy was that an impressive sight. I've said it before and I'll say it again...CARSON PALMER SUCKS. He wasn't even close to getting into the red zone and, get this, lost to Joe Flacco in his first game. I said that the Rams should be contracted earlier and so should the Bingles. It is a fucking disgraceful organization that embarrasses itself in new and creative ways every week. One more time, CARSON PALMER SUCKS. He hasn't gotten better in the last 3 seasons. He is nothing more than an average NFL QB.

1. Braylon Edwards - It was the first of many nationally televised Browns games this year. You've got the big, bad Dallas Cowboys coming to town. You've got a rabid fanbase ready to see the team get over the hump this year. And what did Braylon do in response? He dropped every pass thrown his way and had a couple of stupid penalties to boot. That was embarrassing. I felt bad for Derek Anderson surprisingly. His big target was awful and his O-line couldn't have blocked the Napoleon High School D-Line. Don't hurt yourself jumping off the Browns bandwagon because after the Stillers crush them next week, there's going to be a mass exodus from that thing.

Man, as much as I love the NFL and all the great things that come with it, that was a pretty shitty opening weekend. Next week better be...better? Before I go, did any of you see the intro to Sunday NFL Countdown where all of the "analysts" are walking all stern-faced through some gay steel mill? It was hilarious because Berman looked like someone told him that they were out of scotch. Whatever, fuck Tom Brady.


Anonymous said...

Hey Dickhead,
Michigan might be bad, but the fucking irish are terrible. As for OSU, hopefully their fans enjoy the ass kicking that they are about to receive making the big ten look even worse. Thank God for Wisconsin, the only good team in the conference this year. Also, I think that Greg S. hit the nail in the head when he called OSU the most overrated team in the nation. They showed how great they were on saturday. Bachman enjoy getting your ass kicked in the MAC this year.

Anonymous said...

Why rip on my falcons this year, just because they will have a better record than the redskins. Your baseball team sucks, both football teams suck, do you like any teams that are good.Have fun bitching about everyone else's team, while your teams get cleveland steamered by stienbreiner.

J Beanie said...

Favre's second TD pass was lucky but he had to throw it like that. He was under pressure, already broke away from one sack and was being pulled down on a 4th down try because they didn't have a kicker.

Mr. Ace said...

You must have watched the Redskins and the Redhawks game with rose colored glasses. "my nfl team could very well suck," no sir, they suck! And suck hard they do.

Your college team does suck, they showed some pride against UM... but do you really think they outplayed UM? They missed a couple deep balls that could have put some pressure on UM, but UM missed there own share of deep balls and are really just practicing during the game to figure out our passing game... There is room on the Toledo bandwagon if you would like to join.

On his 2nd td pass it was 4 & 13 from about the 30 and their cunt kicker, a fuckeye, got hurt doing the only thing he does, ever...kick. So Favre should not be praised or criticized for that throw because that is what any qb should do in that same situation ,
Good Day Sir

GMoney said...

OK, Glick, the Falcons will NOT have a better record than the Redskins this year. Keep in mind, they don't play the Lions anymore. And don't use my real name either, prick.

Brett Favre sucks.

Mr. Ace, if that IS your real name, having watched games all day yesterday, I know for a fact that the Redskins are going to be OK. Did you see how awful many teams looked? And they didn't even play the Super Bowl champs. Enjoy the win against the fucking Rams, the Cowboys are gonna put it in your butt this week.

The RedHawks outplayed Michigan. Period.

Upstate Underdog said...

feeling the hate today. some people here are a little sensitive towards criticism. And I agree Palmer sucks, I might start shopping him around as trade bait for my fantasy team.

Anonymous said...

sorry about that lets make a wager on the redskins and falcons

GMoney said...

Twenty bucks...done. I'll tell you what, I'll even give you the win if they have the same record, too.

Mr. Ace said...

What does "outplayed" even mean anymore? When a bad team plays hard and loses? I hate hearing that shit. Redhawks scored 6 points and never had the lead. OU outplayed OSU, they had the lead heading into the 4th quarter and if not for a muffed punt return by OU and a "HOLY FUCK HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT CLIP" on an OSU punt return, it could have been very close.

But if that is all you have to hang your hat on... also, great clock management I must say by the man from "the cradle of coaches."

Can I get in on the Redskins better than Falcons wager too? Only the Lions could make Turner look like LT. Although the 'skins are BAD, not OK, the Falcons are still only winning 6 games max, very max...and the 'skins should be able to get to 7, even though they will only get 2 wins within the division at the very most.

GMoney said...

The RedHawks had the ball for over 35 minutes compared to Michigan having it for less than 25. When you control the clock like that, it says something. Capitalizing on that is a different story. But in the end, the better talent won.

Ryno said...

I'm a Falcons season ticket holder and I'm a white guy.

Having said that - MOTHERFUCKING JERIOUS NORWOOD AND MICHAEL JENKINS scored yesterday. That's how bad the Lions are. We crushed them. Matty-Cakes only had to throw 13 passes.

Keith Brooking is awful

Dustin said...

Most overrated team in the nation? That goes to Michigan who was ranked preseason #24. They're not going to beat Notre Dame. They are embarassing the Big 10 more than OSU. People will be talking about App State for the next 20 years, so fuck you.

Don't worry, G$, Braylon will be back. He did this shit about 3 or 4 games last season where you can just see that he's not into the game. The AFC is now wide open...I expect a strong push by the BROWNIES!

Mr. Ace said...

What kind of a moron would expect a strong push after kidding pounded at home and saying ur best player will take at least 3 or 4 games off? what a moron.
Yes, we lost to App St...they were better, seriously. And so was/is Utah. The spread kills us. We had no business being in the top 25, and we were in the top 25 in only one poll.

Keep sucking off Tressel until Carroll kicks him in the jaw. Do us all a favor so you can't reproduce.

THN said...

I hate to defend the guy.

9. Brett Favre - I know his team won. But did you see that second TD pass? He pulled the same shit he's been doing for years and just launched in the air without even looking. Words can't describe how lucky this fucker is. I want to choke him with a pair of his own Wranglers.

It was fourth down. If the Dolphins had caught the ball, it would have been much better than a punt. He was doubling-down with house money on that throw. And he got lucky. If the Nuge had been available, they would have kicked.