Friday, September 05, 2008

That Was Highly Disappointing


If you had any doubt, today I'm going to be discussing last night's NFL opening game featuring my Redskins and the al-Qaeda Giants. But I'm doing it three parts at three different times with likely three different moods. You're getting my pregame thoughts, halftime thoughts, and postgame breakdown as they happen. If you're scoring at home, expect a lot of restrained excitement in part one, a lot of doubt in part two, and me already claiming that the season is over/calling for the coach's head in part 3. But that's me...always the optomist. Let's begin...

PREGAME
I'm pumped. I've read a lot of "experts" making picks for tonight and NONE of them are giving the Redskins a chance. Fuck them though, I'm smarter! Let's be honest about the Giants; they are all going to be sucking each other's dicks when they unveil their Super Bowl banner tonight thus not being as focused as they should be. Eli Manning has been terrible in The Meadowlands throughout his career. Their defensive pressure isn't nearly as scary without Strahan and Osi. Their coach is still a moron. That being said, the Skins offense has me a bit nervous. Jon Jansen has been benched due to being terrible all preseason. J-Camp has looked out of sync over the past two preseason games. It will be interesting to see what they can do against the Giants defense. In my opinion, the game will come down to three things: can the Redskins defense tackle Brandon Jacobs on first contact, will the G-Men be able to get to Campbell, and how many times will Madden and Michaels verbally fellate Eli. Honestly, I see a win here over a complacent champion. The Skins were the last team to beat the Giants and they are going to be the first team to beat them this year. Get your Jim Zorn Boner ready, Skins win 24-16.

HALFTIME
Well, we're halfway through and the Skins look pretty awful. What did I say the keys were again? Tackle Brandon Jacobs which isn't being done and protect J-Camp which isn't being done. LaRon Landry looked pretty awesome getting bowled over by Jacobs. Guess what, Zorn, they blitz every fucking play, it's OK to adjust to that. Jesus, that was frustrating. Eli Manning is being his old self of just chucking it up in the air and his WR's are bailing him out. I guess it helps that Fred Smoot couldn't cover hepatitis at Matt Leinart's house. At least they went down and scored to close the half and they get the ball back to start the 3rd. They need to score something right away for sure. Just keep feeding the ball to Portis who is actually the only Skin having a decent game. 16-7...I'm not quitting on them yet eventhough they look highly suspect as far as keeping their composure goes. It could be worse, I could believe in Creationism (Ned Flanders does!) like a certain VP candidate.


GAME OVER
OK, Skins lose. There were no points scored in the second half and actually neither team was even close to scoring. That was a pretty damn boring game. But, I'm really not upset at all. Honestly, it's tough to win road games in the NFC East and the Skins didn't. I'm over it already. What we learned about both teams tonight:
*The Giants have one weapon in the passing game yet Greg Blache didn't double team Plax for some reason.
*Brandon Jacobs is still a badass.
*Eli Manning is still inconsistent/douchey.
*John Carney is still alive.
*Clinton Portis looks really good and ran really hard. The guy is going to be a fantasy stud.
*Jason Campbell is still a work in progress.
*The Redskins D is prepared to instill the bend but don't break defensive philosophy.
*Jim Zorn has no idea how to handle clock management. When you are down two scores with 4 minutes to go, you probably should run a hurry-up offense! What a Jim Zorn Boner. It felt like he went to the Joe Gibbs School of Fucking Up 4th Quarters yet he failed the course.
*Please get the ball to Chris Cooley.

It sucks because right now the Redskins are in dead last in the NFL. The offense looked like shit (nice catch, Santana Moss) except for Portis and Randle El. The good news is that they won't face a tougher task than playing the Giants D in their place. I expect a big turn around against a crappy Saints defense at home next Sunday. I'm not writing them off yet.

Although it didn't happen the way that I wanted it to, welcome back, NFL. Hopefully the games this weekend are much, much more exciting than that crap tonight. Go ahead and tell me how much the Skins suck in the comments and I will respond with insults on how shitty your dad's blowjobs are. Have a good weekend all; I'll be back on Monday with the return of the "Worst of the Weekend" column. May all your fantasy teams be destroyed by injuries and The Plague. Go RedHawks, try not to get killed up in Ann Arbor tomorrow.

7 comments:

GMoney said...

Two more things:
1. Brandon Jacobs and Antonio Pierce both through visible and blatant punches last night. Not only were they not ejected, they weren't even fucking penalized! I watched Sean Taylor get the gate in a playoff game for spitting on wifebeater, Michael Pittman. What the fuck, Ed Hochuli? At least give me 15 yards for taking a swing at a guy.

2. I just went down to the lobby to get some coffee. I work on the 5th floor, I take the elevator. Indian Dickhead hops on at 3 and gets off at 2. The stairs are right fucking next to the elevator. I consider myself to be pretty lazy but, come on, ONE FLIGHT OF STAIRS? I hate that fucking guy.

Tony B. said...

You had to be special kind of drunk to enjoy that game.

You're 100% right on the elevator thing. I hate it when people do that.

Upstate Underdog said...

If you go down one floor on elevator and aren't in a wheel chair you need a punch to the cock or cunt.

Anonymous said...

Skins did not look good! It could be a long season in the G$ homes, with both the redhawks and skins looking suspect (compliment). Give us an objective prediction for tomorrow's show down in Ann Arbor.

--the Wig Master

GMoney said...

I'll give you one word, Wig Master:

Painful.

Mr. Ace said...

Wow, I thought Gibbs was terrible. But Zorn might be a couple steps back. I have a feeling we will see Todd Collins in a couple weeks.

How many of Landry's vertebrae got fused together after that massacre that is Brandon Jacobs?

Mr. Ace said...

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