Friday, September 26, 2008
If you didn't already figure out, this is a big-ass weekend for me. No, I don't give a fuck about anything that is going down on Saturday. The REAL battle this weekend takes place in Dallas on Sunday afternoon. My beloved Redskins battle the Cowpussies in another chapter of the greatest rivalry in the NFL. It's a grown man's version of Cowboys and Indians for shit's sake! I love this week so much because, to their credit, I hate Dallas enough to make it this great. But today, I'm throwing you a curveball and memorializing a Cowboy.
Everytime I watch the Cowboys, I constantly mention to whoever is in the room that Wade Phillips is an idiot. Every single time the camera pans to him, he looks confused. So, in honor of my favorite old hillbilly mindfuck, it's Wade Phillips Day at The Money Shot.
"Who tapped me on the shoulder? Did you tap me on the shoulder? By gum, if I find out who tapped me on the shoulder, I'm going to tell Mr. Jones."
He appears to be pissed off that someone behind him is fucking with him here. Personally, if I were on the sideline, I would shoot spitballs at Wade all day just to get this look.
"Stand by your man. And tell the world you love him, keep giving all the love you can! Stand by your MAN!"
One of my long-running jokes is that Wade's headset isn't connected to anything but a walkman playing Conway Twitty or Loretta Lynn. You know, because he's an imbecile.
"Sir. Sir! What do I have to do to get a Diet Pepsi here? I also have to take a #1."
"Fellas, please, don't ask me questions. I don't have the answers anyway. If you've got something on your mind, go talk to Jason Garrett or Jerry Jones. They're right over there. I'm just here for the health insurance and team meals. You don't have to listen to me."
Does anyone really believe that the players respect this guy? Did you watch Hard Knocks? The guy barely talks above a whisper. The players were excited because his camp was so easy! If you looked up "puppet" in the dictionary, this picture would accompany the definition.
"What am I doin here? I don't belong here? I should have been a cowboy. I should have learned to rope and ride. Wearing my six shooter, riding my pony on a cattle drive. Stealing the young girl's hearts, just like Gene and Roy. Singin' those campfire songs, oh, I should've been a cowboy."
This picture says it all. Capturing Wade's contstant faraway look that he has perfected over the years...truly a work of art.
"I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my--wait, where's my spout? Has anyone seen my spout? I had it here a minute ago? Daggone it."
"So I walked into Jerry's office for my interview and my pitch was pretty simple. I said to him, 'Look, in a league where Herm Edwards, Norv Turner, Marvin Lewis, and Romeo Crennel are head coaches, what have you got to lose?'. He still wasn't buying it so I had my wife make some squirrel chili while we drank some Diet Pepsi Max's. By the end of dinner, well, that's why I'm here right now."
I can't wait for the game. I fucking despise the Cowboys. The Redskins, known to be a scrappy team anyway, are double digit underdogs. Fuck that. I would take the points if I was a gambler. Since I'm a rabid diehard fan, I'm picking the upset win...Skins 23, Pussies 21. See you all on Monday. Hail To The Redskins!