Tuesday, September 23, 2008
There has been a lot of talk over the past two days regarding which team in the NFL is the most inept. If we could see a winless team like we all wanted to see the Dolphins do last year. We have some fine candidates this season with the Rams, Texans, Lions, Chiefs, etc. In fact, many bloggers have written that the state of professional football in Missouri is worse than it has ever been in any state in the history of mankind. I'm here to tell you that that simply is untrue. Missouri isn't even the worst this season.
I'm intelligent. I back that up with 27 years of love for the Redskins as opposed to copping out and rooting for the team's from my home state just because of geography. But today, I morph into a pro-Ohio homer. I lay out "our"case as the worst football state in the country. It kills me just to act, even if it is only for one post, like a Browns/Bengals fan. But desperate times call for desperate measures and the blogosphere needs to know how bad things are here. So allow me to pull a line from Tommy Boy and "let me tell you why I suck" more than Missouri.
1. Unlike you, we had expectations
--The Browns were the saavy, chic picks to win the AFC North this season. Coming off an impressive and out of the blue 10-6 season a year ago, the Browns were primed to get back to the playoffs for the first time in a long time. They brought all of the pieces back on offense and shored up the defense through free agency/trades. While the Bengals were never considered a playoff team, they were at least going to be a team that you would need to outscore each week. As you've seen, neither team is remotely competitive through 3 weeks. And that is the difference between the Bengals/Browns and the Chiefs/Rams...KC and STL were going to be the worst teams in their leagues anyway. We all knew that going in. Being winless was expected out of them. Both Ohio teams losing to the Ravens??? I don't think we saw that happening.
2. Unlike you, our offenses were supposed to be dominant
--In the realm of fantasy football, people will bitch about Tom Brady killing their team. But at least he went out after one game and you could pick someone else up. If you have Derek Anderson, Jamal Lewis, Braylon Edwards, Kellen Winslow, Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson, or TJ Houshmandzadeh, there is no way that your team is worth a shit. Trust me, I know this firsthand. And just look at those players. How can offenses with these guys be so piss-poor? If you look to the Show-Me State, the only decent scoring weapons are Larry Johnson, Steven Jackson, and, I guess, Torry Holt. That's it. There's a HUGE gap as far as offensive disappointments go. How the Ohio teams are averaging about 2 points a game is real head-scratcher. It's just a tad more shocking than seeing the Tyler Thigpen and Bulger Corpse offenses blow.
3. Unlike you, we've never celebrated ANY Super Bowls/marginal success
--Oh, boo-freaking-hoo, you've had a couple of bad years in a row. Get over it. The Chiefs used to be perennial playoff contenders (before Herm) and the Rams won a Super Bowl less than a decade ago. At least you have memories. In case you forgot, the Browns moved to the city that The Wire was based on and the Bengals make the Pittsburgh Pirates seem competent. You've at least been there. There is at least SOME history of success in Missouri. While the Bengals made two appearances in the Super Bowl back in the day, go ahead and ask any Clevelander about John Elway or Earnest Byner...they will bare-knuckle fight you to the death. So while the state of Missouri whines about their general crappiness this year, at least you aren't holding a grudge from the 80's.
4. Unlike you, we don't have the two worst coaches in football
--Don't get me wrong, Romeo Crennel and Marvin Lewis are in the top 5 regarding incompetence, but your teams thought it was best to hire the dumbest people in football. That's your own damn fault. When you have guys like HERM! Edwards and Scott Linehan running the show, it's obviously going to be a disaster. It's like if you start growing lezunes and you get sick all the time, you probably have AIDS. And that is what is so bizarre about Ohio right now...our teams are rotten and we don't even have either of these two guys dumbing down the sideline and disgracing the profession. It's just a result of having no desire, no balls, and no clue.
5. Unlike you, our college football season is already meaningless
--One good thing that we Ohioans have had to take our mind off of our pro teams is Ohio State football. But, as we all saw, Tressel decided to get embarrassed early this year as opposed to their bowl game. And due to those past crushings, one loss was going to kill any chance of a third straight BCS title game appearance. So now all we have to hope for is a Big Ten championship. Whoopty-fucking-doo! Those don't even matter anymore. Missouri may hate turning on the TV on Sundays, but Chase Daniel and the Tigers sure are making Saturdays pretty easy to deal with. Mizzou is still undefeated and has a great shot of winning the Big 12 AND having their stud QB or WR win the Heisman. You Missourians(?) can't have it both ways...at least you have ONE decent weekend day.
Don't you see now? Ohio is a much more depressing football state than Missourah is at this point in the season. Can the Bengals or Browns turn it around? Maybe but I would doubt it. Obviously, the Chiefs and Rams are lost causes but right now, Ohio is much worse off when it comes to gridiron action. We have nothing to look forward to. When it comes to pathetic performances on the football field, the state of Ohio is king. Who am I kidding, though, it's still better than being a Lions fan.