Thursday, September 04, 2008

Not Gonna Happen: My NFL Predictions

To be honest, when bloggers try to predict the future, it is a complete mindfuck of a column and a colossal waste of time. Who really cares what Joe Idiot thinks is going to happen anyway? 2 days later no one is going to remember this unless I bring it up again. It's not like your sitting with your family on Thanksgiving and you actually announce, "Hey, G$ from the worst blog ever picked the Lions to lose this game!" They'd kick you out of the house.

So why even do one? Because it's my fucking blog and I run the show how I see fit. And on the day that the NFL (more importantly the Redskins) kicks off, I'm at least going to throw my hat in the ring with how I see the season unfolding. Don't like it? Go outside, cut off a tree branch, and stick it up your ass for about 10-15 minutes instead of reading this. I don't really care. OK, time to hop off of my soapbox and get down to business. The greatest league in the world begins tonight and here is how I see 5 months of crushing hits and big plays happening. We'll start where the Super Bowl trophy currently resides, the NFC:

NFC East
Cowboys, Redskins*, Giants, Eagles
This is the one division that I know a lot about. The Cowboys, on paper at least, are just better than every other team in the division. As long as injuries don't cripple them like their greenhorn coach surely will, they are going to win 12 games and lose their first playoff game like they always do. Same thing with my Skins actually--if they can stay relatively healthy and protect the QB, there is no reason why that team can't be a 10 win team. The last two weeks though have kind of lowered my expectations a bit since the offense hasn't been clicking. The Giants are going to have a down year because there really is no other place to go. I still think that the Eli sucks and their defense is already banged up. The Eagles are back for one last go-round with the same stiffs that they've ran out there for years. McNabb still can't hit open receivers, he doesn't have any receivers that are remotely decent anyway, and the defense is getting old. So long, Andy Reid, go spend time with your kids.

NFC North (or Norris if you are a fat idiot like Chris Berman)
Vikings, Lions, Packers, Bears
No one is going to be able to score on the Vikings; at least not any of these offenses. As long as Tarvaris Jackson is just average, they could vie for home field in the playoffs. The Lions finished 7-9 last year with Mike Martz running the offense. Him being gone alone should get them at least one or maybe two more wins, right? Do you think that Matt Millen even has mirrors in his house? I can't imagine that anyone who is that incompetent would want to look at himself. The Packers defense is OK but Aaron Rodgers is going to fail. Ryan Grant? Yeah, you only know his name because of that old bumblefuck QB that was around last year. There is absolutely nothing to like about the Bears. It seems like no one wants to be there unless they get grossly overpaid. Their coach is a moron and their offense could average negative yards for the season.

NFC South
Panthers, Saints*, Buccaneers, Falcons
For some reason, I'm starting to sell myself on the idea that Carolina could be pretty good. Although I hate the way that Delhomme carries himself on the field, his arm is supposed to be all healed up and they have a ton of weapons on both sides of the ball. They have the better defense so I'll take them over the Saints. By the way, I really loved the Shockey trade as far as the Saints offense becoming more explosive goes. But Sean Payton still calls one or two truly idiotic plays a game and he'll do the same thing this year. Last year's Bucs team has FLUKE written all over them. They had a soft schedule, got great play out of terrible QB's, and didn't play any really tough road games and they squeaked in. It ends this year...and so might Gruden's reign as head coach. The Falcons are the one team that I will not watch one play of this entire season. I had the same rule with the Chiefs last year and I succeeded. This year it's Matt Ryan that gets that honor. Congrats, Rook, you are this year's Brodie Croyle to me.

NFC West:
Seahawks, Cardinals, 49ers, Rams
Until somebody else actually challenges them and is serious about it, the Seahawks are always going to win this division. Julius Jones is not only the worst starting RB in the league, he would also be the worst backup RB in the league. He sucks. Anything is possible with Jesus and that's what the Cardinals are hoping for by going with Kurt Warner again. God, his wife is ugly. I don't even think Matt Leinart would give her some of his crabs. The 49ers have Mike Martz now. The 49ers will watch their head coach get fired on their way to another 6 win season. I wouldn't even let JT O'Sullivan write a guest post here let alone QB my football team. The Rams are a fecal plumb. The over/under on Marc Bulger getting hurt is the second quarter of week one. Take the under and try not to watch any games in which two of these 4 teams are playing.

NFC Champion: Heart says Redskins (Head says Vikings due to the homefield/choking of Romo)

AFC East:
Patriots, Jets*, Bills, Dolphins
The Patriots have had a terrible last 6 months but they are still by far the best team in that division. Although if Brady is still being a pussy about his ankle and misses some time, I could see them even missing the playoffs. Their defense is going to be extremely poor. The Jets appear to have a schedule that would have made last year's Browns schedule look tough. If they don't win ten games, can we kill Brett Favre? Even if they do, can we kill him anyway? I kind of like the Bills this year and it's mostly due to Marv Levy not running the team anymore. If they would ever realize that Lee Evans sucks and just throw him over Niagara Falls, they would be a lot better off. People want to suck Bill Parcells FUPA about how he can build a team and whatnot and just stop that trash now. The guy's last playoff win came before my testicles descended. He sucks. That team is going to blow...3 wins-blow.

AFC North:
Browns, Steelers, Bengals, Ravens
Every team in this division is a complete mess in some aspect. The Browns are dealing with a ton of injuries and a brutal schedule. At least they have the most talent which can make up for their poor coaching staff and should carry them to an 8-8 season/division title. The Steelers schedule is even tougher and they possess the worst offensive line ever assembled. I can't wait to watch Big Ben get sacked 60 times this year. Good job investing 100 million into a great QB yet not addressing the sieve that is supposed to keep him upright. The Bengals should be contracted. This team is a fucking joke from the front office to the field. Their QB fucking sucks yet for some reason no one can see it other than me and a few other geniuses scattered around the country. The Ravens are starting a guy named Joe Flacco at QB. That's pretty much all you need to hear to realize that 4 wins would be a nice season in Bawlmer.

AFC South:
Jaguars, Colts*, Texans, Titans
This is the year. The Jaguars are going to dominate. They have everything you want if you want to win: a physical defense, solid running game, a QB that makes almost no mistakes, and a coach that is really smart. I have no real reason behind saying this, but I really really like this team. The Colts are on the way down. 40% of their O-Line is hurt and who knows about Peyton. Tony Dungy has one foot out the door already. It would be a pretty good year if they won double digit games and made the playoffs. Who knows, with a few breaks, maybe the Texans can beat out the Colts this year? I like Matt Schaub and if he and Andre Johnson can actually, you know, not get hurt, maybe they can get into the playoffs. Although I love Jeff Fisher as a coach and a lover, his team is going to be awful this year. Vince Young just isn't an NFL QB. Period. Although neither is Kerry Collins so you know that they're fucked in Nashville. But we will all be amazed when LenDale White has a heart attack and we get to watch Chris Johnson just dominate out of the backfield.

AFC West:
Chargers, Broncos, Raiders, Chiefs
People are all over the Chargers as this Super Bowl contender because the Pats and Colts look so shaky. Hello, this team is still coached by Norv Turner and QB'ed by Phil Rivers. They'll be good with or without Merriman, but I don't see Super Bowl this year. I actually think that Jay Cutler will have a pretty decent season now that he has diabetes. But the Broncos are a .500 team every year and they always will be with Orange Face coaching. If you are a Raiders fan that isn't in prison, you should kind of be excited. I like what they are doing on offense by going young and getting some big time playmakers. Now overpaying for defensive players is not my cup of meat, but who cares, Al Davis' crazy decisions are always priceless. The Chiefs blow. HERM! Edwards should have been fired before he was even offered the job. Brodie Croyle couldn't even start for the RedHawks and wehave Captain Overthrow launching all sorts of passes into the stands.

AFC Champion: Jaguars

Off MVP: Ugh, Tony Romo - the dude is going to have a monster season
Def MVP: Jared Allen - he's going to push 20 sacks AND grow a mullet
Off ROY: Chris Johnson - just watch this kid run...pretty please?
Def ROY: Leodis McKelvin - it took me 3 minutes just to think of a rookie defensive player
Coach: Jack Del Rio of course because every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man. Oh God, I'm quoting ZZ Top. I feel like Chris Berman. Next thing I know I'll be sweating sausage gravy.

Super Bowl: Heart says Skins over Jaguars! (Head says Jaguars over Vikings in one of the most boring Super Bowls of all time)

Well, there you go and that took forever to write. Damn, I need to start tailgating for the Skins game anyway*. Ashy Larry's coming with me.

*"Tailgating", on this blog, is defined as sitting in your cube the rest of the day with your hands down your pants. You know, one in the front and one in the back and meet at the taint. Good old-fashioned tailgating...


J Beanie said...

Is there room for another tailgater?

Can't believe you fell for that Vikings crap. You know they were 32 against the pass last year, right?

If 8-8 gets the Browns a division title, I'll take it.

flohtingPoint said...

If he can stay healthy, I wouldn't count Adrian Peterson out for offensive MVP. Those post season awards are 75% hype anyway (which is not bad compared to the Heisman, which is about 98.6% hype), and the league is big on him.

BTW, thanks for not joining the masses of fucktards that pick my shitty Cardinals as playoff sleepers. Honestly, I think both the Rams and the 49ers have more going for them, especially when Boldin kicks the pouting into high gear (the way Drew likes his WR's to act). 5-6 win season max for my shitbirds.

GMoney said...

I don't know why anyone would pick the Cardinals to win the division. They are terrible.

The Vikings will be very good.

My tailgates have a tendency to turn into tailGREATs though.

Kyle said...

Spooky, I have the Jags in the Super Bowl too.

Anonymous said...

Antwan Peak out for the season. Another Browns player goes down. Awesome. It's going to be a long year.


GMoney said...

Tell me about it.

rstiles said...

I admire you for not picking the usual match-up of Cowboys vs. Chargers or Cowboys vs. Patriots....

Fuck this Cowboy shit!!