Thursday, September 25, 2008

"Mike And Mike": A Transcript of Insanity

I admit it. I listen to Mike And Mike each morning on my way to work. Since I'm only in the car for around 15 minutes, it's no big deal and it gives me a chance to see if I missed something while I was asleep. All in all, it's a pretty good show. I like it. Both hosts act as though they love sports and talk about the big topics of the day. They also have quite a chemistry and feature often funny banter.

These are all things that I could have said two years ago. Now, Mike And Mike is a complete mess. For awhile, I figured it had to do with my general hatred toward fill-in host, Erik Kuselias, but over time I've realized that the format is just pathetic and stale. They only want to talk about what's important to them as opposed to what their listeners want. And Greenberg gets smugger and smugger every segment. The guy is just waiting to dump on ESPN and go mainstream and you can feel it through your radio. Golic's voice gets higher and he tells stranger stories every day. In short, they've forgotten what got them popular in the first place in exchange for a little ego stroking.

Do you remember when shows like Nightline or 60 minutes would say "for a transcript of tonight's episode, please send $5 and a self-addressed stamped envelope to..." as the credits rolled? Well, imagine that I did that for a 10 minute segment of Mike And Mike. Now pretend that this isn't fake. Now pretend that I'm banging Marisa Miller. I'm going to show you exactly what this radio program has become recently. Allow me to explain...

Greeny: Mike and Mike in the morning and we're back talking about SpyGate eventhough no one else has mentioned it in months but I still can't get over it. Golic, what is Matt Walsh hiding and why can't we get to the bottom of this?
Golic: Greeny, uh, I just don't think we'll ever know.
Greeny: Well, one of these days I'm going to get my answers. Alright, with us now is Hall of Fame baseball writer, Peter Gammons. Hello, Peter.
Peter: Good morning.
Greeny: Peter, I'm just at a loss here. Do you have anything on SpyGate?
Peter: Ummm, no, I thought that we were going to talk about the playoff races?
Greeny: So you've got nothing? OK, we'll talk some baseball. Peter, what is going on in the bullpens of the Brewers and Mets? I mean, they look as lost as me at Home Depot out there!
Peter: Well--
Golic: Hang on a minute, Peter, I've got some breaking "Mike Golic's News of the Weird" here. A man in Denmark was trying to show his daughter how to do a somersault...
Greeny: A somersault!
Golic: Yes, a somersault. When he was flipping over, he slipped and managed to get his head stuck in rectum! When a doctor helped remove his head from his anus, he said, "One in a million shot, Doc, one in a million!"
Greeny: A Somersault! Can you believe that, Peter?
Peter: Excuse me, guys, can we talk about baseball for a minute?
Golic: Sure, what's the word on Billy Wagner's arm?
Peter: He's definitely going to need surgery and it could be career-ending. Either way, it looks as though his days in Queens are over.
Greeny: As far as his throwing shoulder goes, did he pull it? Did he wrench it? Did he torque it? Did he sprain it? Did he strain it? He definitely didn't snap it.
Peter: What? No. He tore a muscle. That's common knowledge now. Why are you asking me about something that happened weeks ago?
Golic: Peter, I had a simliar situation to that when I was with the Eagles. My roommate, Ron Heller, used to walk around our hotel room completely nude!
Greeny: NUDE!
Peter: How is that similar? How is that relevant? What is the matter with you two?
Golic: I'm just saying, Peter, another time with the Eagles, I saw a naked Heller get into a fight Jerome Brown. It was amazing!
Peter: Ummm...
Golic: Looks like our producer, Scotty "The Gnome" Shapiro, is telling us to stop talking about naked guys.
Greeny: Peter, did you get a chance to talk to "The Gnome" Scotty Shapiro this morning? I swear, he looks like a garden gnome and I think he's getting smaller! We had Dick Vitale on recently and he said that the Gnome's stock was waaaaaay down. I nearly plotzed!
Golic: Joaquin, play us The Gnome's theme song.
Peter: Come on, guys, let's get back to baseball.
Greeny: You're right, Peter. We got a little sidetracked there.
Greeny: We had Timmy Kurkjian on yesterday and he admitted to us that he was a metrosexual. Peter, have you ever had a pedicure? A manicure? A facial?
Peter: Are you guys drunk? You have the attention span of a 4 year old today.
Greeny: Peter, you were at the final game in Yankee Stadium.
Peter: Yes I was.
Greeny: Lots of history in that ballpark and I'm sad to see it go down. But there's one thing I wanted to ask you regarding your last visit to the Stadium...I have an extra ticket to this Sunday's Jets game. Would you like to go with me?
Peter: Wait, what? Aren't we talking about The House That Ruth Built?
Greeny: I don't believe I mentioned that at all. We've been talking about Brett Favre's house for awhile now. Come on, Peter, could be your last chance to see Favre play. You do realize that he's the best athlete of all time, right? (they play "Hero" by an Enrique Iglesias)
Golic: Wait a minute, my brother, Bob, has to be up there in those rankings.
Peter: Guys, I'm going to hang up soon. This is getting ridiculous.
Greeny: I'm serious, Peter. I want to know your thoughts on the Jets. I think I'm ready to give the title of "Mangenius" back to our coach. With Brett Favre here ("Hero" again), Tom Brady hurt, and SpyGate still raging on, there is no way that we can't win the Super Bowl for the next 8 seasons!
Golic: Peter, did you hear that I used to take steroids during my playing days but I didn't like them so I stopped?
Greeny: Knock it off, Mike, no one wants to hear about that. They want to hear about the Jets!
Peter: Last chance, you two...
Golic: What do you think about a potential game one of the division series Johan Santana/CC Sabathia duel?
Peter: That will be fantastic--
Greeny: Did somebody say "Duel". You know that I host that on ABC, right? In fact, Mike and Peter, why don't we play a round to remind people about what a great game show host I can be? We'll have to get you both some betting chips but this will no doubt be great radio.
Golic: I'm in only if the answers to all the questions are "Notre Dame".
Peter: To hell with you both, I'm out of here.
Greeny: Peter, WAIT! Will you be joining us again next week in your normal time slot?
Peter: Absolutely not. I will be dead in the cold--
Greeny: Cold? That reminds me, it's time for the STONE!
Golic: COLD!
Greeny: LEAD!
Golic: PIPE!
Both: LOCKS!
Peter: I wish you two nothing but the worst.
Greeny: Thank you, Peter. Mike, as we just heard, it's going to be an amazing postseason. Even with the Yankees absent, we're going to be talking about baseball a lot during the month of October.
Golic: You said it, Greeny.
Greeny: When we come back, I try to convince Mike Ditka that this year's Jets team would destroy the '85 Bears. Mike and Mike in the Morning...
Golic: ESPN Radio.

Whew. I have to admit, my own writing made me laugh.


Grumpy said...

Made me laugh too. Outstanding!!

Tracer Bullet said...

"In short, they've forgotten what got them popular in the first place in exchange for a little ego stroking."


Anonymous said...

One thing that I'm extremely proud of is that I gave this shit show a chance for a week a few years ago and came to the conclusion taht they both sucked balls after that one week and haven't listened to it since. Of course, the beauty of Sirius Radio makes this much easier but I still wouldn't listen without it. They are both faggots and I think it's garbage that so many "sports fans" religiously listen to these two schmucks every morning. I cringe every morning at work when I hear somebody bring up something that they heard on the way in. Fuck both of those two dudes.


The Prophet said...

I'm with the Anonymous dude. I gave up on these two cretins years ago. You must have the patience of a saint to have listened this long. That these two no talent ass clowns are considered the apex of the genre shows what a cesspool sports talk radio really is....

Having said that, your post is freakin' hilarious. If you hadn't mentioned that it was fake you'd have had no trouble convincing me that it was a verbatim transcript.

GMoney said...

I think that Golic is fine on NFL Live when he's not hamming it up and trying to be funny. But Greenberg is just a douche.

Fuck the Eagles, the Jets, and Notre Dame.

Anonymous said...

I give you your props on this one. I hadn't laughed that hard reading this internet in awhile. But I do agree, and while I admit I still turn it on in the morning, the show has definitely become stagnant and I can't think of a good way to fix it. Maybe they should cut the show to 3 hours and institute a final hour Skip Bayless vs. Eric Kuselias debate, Dana Jacobson mediating?


Tony B. said...

Good job squeezing in a Bob Golic reference, G$. His work on Saved by the Bell: The College Years stands alone as the finest acting since Gregory Peck in To Kill a Mocking Bird.

Syd said...

Hell yeah, you have their formula down perfect.

My commute to work is closer to an hour. Some days, I go that entire hour without one fresh newsworthy item from them.

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

Hello. And Bye.