Tuesday, September 09, 2008

The Middle Finger: The Sports Reporters


Growing up, it was one of my favorite shows. After being dragged to church on Sunday morning, coming home and turning on ESPN was one of the simpler joys in life at the time. This was the early-to-mid 90's and the internet was obviously not what it is today. It was refreshing to hear what people from around the country thought about different stories in the world of sport. But, then I went off to college and forgot that Sunday mornings even existed. Then, I entered the working world in which Sundays became my only day to sleep in. Yet this past weekend, I was up early and decided to visit an old friend. I hadn't really watched the show in over a decade but I noticed that the panel really hadn't changed at all. The same exact faces that I grew up with their story but something didn't feel right about it. Maybe that was the problem because the show that I once loved as a kid, is fucking abysmal to watch as an adult.

This week's Middle Finger goes to The Sports Reporters.

Have you seen this garbage recently? It's terrible. The cast of characters (minus Dick Schapp who is probably embarrassed of his baby up in Heaven) is primarily the same but none of them are saying anything new or interesting at all. Let me give you a taste of what a conversation is like if you haven't tuned in as of late:

John Saunders: After yesterday's scare, should Ohio State be worried about getting destroyed out in LA this coming Saturday?
Bob Ryan: Paul Pierce is the greatest player of all time and truly an American hero.
Mitch Albom: If you go out and buy Tuesdays With Morrie, I might get a haircut that isn't 25 years behind the times. Detroit Red Wings hockey will never be stopped.
Mike Lupica: (sitting on the edge of his seat and going crazy with his hand motions) If it didn't happen in New York, it never happened!


It's awful. The panelists are so insanely biased toward the cities that they cover that it isn't even funny/interesting anymore. The banter is pathetic. The chemistry lacks because no one appears to care anymore. They pander their elitist views on topics failing to realize that they don't connect at all with the common sports fan. The Sports Reporters is exactly why blogs have become so popular. No one gives a shit about Mike Lupica talking to Donnie Walsh about the status of the Knicks. I want a story about Starbury fornicating with a Knicks employee in the back of his SUV and threatening to unleash a ton of dirt on Isiah. I don't want to hear about something that the average fan could never imagine experiencing (a la every article written by Rick Reilly). But you won't get that on ESPN on Sunday mornings, they only cater to people that have no idea how to turn on a computer and are so used to watching the same boring product every week. The people that still follow The Sports Reporters have become so brainwashed that they can't tell that the product has deteriorated more than Pamela Anderson's sex appeal.

I've heard that Michael Kay is an occasional contributor on the show, too. Don't even get me started on that pedophile.

Case in point, I suffer through the episode on Sunday and actually make it to the parting shots segment. Albom rants about Chad Ocho Cinco and comes up with alternative names that the media could call him over the course of the season (Ocho Stinko, Ocho Pinko, Ocho Winko, etc.). He was trying to be cute and funny but the problem was that he wasn't cute or funny at all. That's just plain rotten. Does he write jokes for Carlos Mencia? Not even the worst blogger (me?) would come up with a piece that stupid and lacking of any wit. If that segment right there didn't tell you that the show is completely out of touch, I don't know what else will.

I don't know, maybe since I'm so entrenched in the world of blogging, I, too, have become an elitist when it comes to television coverage of sports. While that may be the case (and that's a topic for another day), it still doesn't change the fact that The Sports Reporters has run it's course and needs to be put out of it's misery. Because we're a long way away from the golden years where Bill Conlin would eat 42 cheesesteaks over the 30 minutes on air and Dick Schapp could actually keep the panelists on point. But, instead we see a group of gasbags attepting to stroke their own egos and push their own agendas. Ah, how I long for the old days...


So enjoy your Middle Finger this week, The Sports Reporters. Feel free to shove it all up Mike Lupica's pompous ass. You may have to move his head around a little bit to fit it up there but I'm sure there is plenty of room.

And let me give you readers a bit of advice, sleep in an extra hour on Sunday mornings now, you don't want to accidentally wake up and see Bob Ryan in HD. Well, unless you like to shit your bed. Maybe you like that? I tried it this week and I hated it.

18 comments:

World of Isaac said...

I'm so glad somebody else feels this way....

Mitch Albom is the posterboy of sports douche has been

Anonymous said...

"Detroit Red Wings hockey will never be stopped."

Still trying to see what's inaccurate about that comment.

--Drew

Upstate Underdog said...

Anything associated with Lupica deserves the middle finger.

J Beanie said...

Can we add Outside the Lines to this middle finger too or does it get it's own finger?

Sunday morning on ESPN sucks. You got the SR, OTL, then SportsCenter with anchors that are reading the script for the first time live on air and laughing their way through it. And now we have 18 hours of NFL coverage led by guy who sucks more than getting a blowjob from a chick who thinks using her teeth is a good thing. I promote this middle finger to all of ESPN on Sunday morning. I'd rather stay in church until 1, than watch this shit.

flohtingPoint said...

Three paragraphs in and you're already busting on someones dead kid. My friend, you are on fire.

To tack something on to Beanie's thought of tossing outside the lines, can we also add anything featuring Jemele Hill? Everything she says is asinine and her columns are horrendous (case in point, the one where she wrote three pages on why Kobe is better than Jordan).

GMoney said...

I've never met anyone that watches Outside The Lines unless they are too hungover to change the channel. I get the feeling that Bob Ley has met Chris Hansen a few times.

Did I mention a dead kid? I don't think I did unless Michael Kay is in fact a rotting corpse of an 8 year old girl...which may be true.

GMoney said...

I got ya now, it's the Dick Schapp embarrassed of his baby line. That was supposed to come off as being ashamed of what The Sports Reporters has become but I guess it works even better with the awfulness of Jeremy Schapp.

Mr. Ace said...

I second the Jemele Hill motion, and would like to add Jason Whitlock to that as well. Thank god he shot off his mouth and got fired from espn, I couldn't stand that fat fuck. These two are the Jesse Jackson of the sports world. I will be the first to express liberal views on race, class, and gender... but Hill and Whitlock, Jesse Jackson especially, are just fucking parasites.

I did appreciate Whitlocks lashing of Lupica on his way out though. And Albom is a total d-bag.

Tony B. said...

I saw Albom's rant about Chad Johnson and just like you said, it was the most unoriginal, pompous shit I've seen in awhile. I'm pretty sure it got a hearty laugh from John Saunders and the rest of the panel. That is a really bad show.

Skip Bayless would fit right in on that show.

ethanator1088 said...

As someone that has watched it laughingly for the past decade that you missed, Everything you said is pretty much spot on.

I go to church at 10:30 central, so I watch it almost as a tradition.

THE most annoying part is that Jahn Saunders always has to pull the race card or talk about a black person. After hundreds of shows.... I get it man. You are black and you love black people. You are the Jerry Mcguire of sports journalism.

The other thing he stands up for is the most idiotic thing in sports, besides the race card, the BCS.

He is the mouthpiece for the BCS and he should shut his mouth when he even tries to defend it. It is beyond defense.

Mac G said...

The Disney Corporation has ruined TV sports viewing. I barely even watch sports center anymore.

How about a 20-35 year old voice talking about sports? Instead we get crusty old men huffing on their soap box.


I loved Dick Schapp and Bob Knight's one liner about Jermey is pretty money.

Mr. Ace said...

Also a special fuck you to Bill Belichick...

The Toolshed

MuDawgFan said...

Funny Note about Conlin - he's actually one hell of a racist.

Apparently, he used to be on a talk radio network "DNL"
He got an e-mail from Raul in Vineland NJ that took some shots at Conlin's opinions and his response was "I'm surprised that guy was able to pull himself away from the blueberry fields long enough to send that e-mail."

He's never been back on the show.

I'll say one thing for those crusty bastards. They don't give damn about your sensitive feelings. They'll all you a drunk irish mick and slap your wife's ass all in a split second.

rstiles said...

I hate Albom's closing remarks because he always tries to be cute and funny...

We need someone to be on there and just say "Chad Johnson is a fucking douche bag!!!"...

Anonymous said...

Mitch is thee most disliked sports personality in Detroit. He never writes columns anymore, feels his readers and fellow journalists are "beneath" him and he lives most of the time on the beach in California.

Anonymous said...

None of this was funny.

The show may suck, but this post was way worse.

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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