Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.
This week, the "did anyone actually watch According To Jim?" Edition. I'm working out yesterday, laughing along to another hilarious Friends episode (I'm serious, too). The show ends yet I'm too lazy to go change the channel. So Jim Belushi comes on. And I make it about 8 minutes before I have to cut the workout short and leave. Not only is the show not even remotely funny, I actually was frowning when the "jokes" were being told. According to Jim is less funny than Robin Williams. But enough of that...
***I wish I could have seen some of that hand-on-hand action - As we all saw, Yankee Stadium closed it's doors on Sunday night. The ceremony was over the top, but still well done (Graig Nettles, yeah!). One person was not too pleased though and he's the same guy that lies about taking it in the butt. That man being Roger Clemens. Clemens was apparently sitting at home on Sunday, hurt that he was not invited or even included in the tribute video. According to SI, he held his wife's and mother-in-law's hand during the game because he was so distraught. Excuse me, I need to laugh maniacally for a minute. That is just too funny. I never was a big Clemens fan so this just brings a smile to my face. The guy already has enough of an image problem, how do you let it slip out that he was on the verge of tears because he wasn't invited up to New York? You know who should have been pissed for the unvitation...Shane Spencer. The Yankees haven't won shit without him. I still proudly wear my Spencer 47 jersey, too. Man, I'm great. I want to hold hands with Shane.
***I guess he doesn't have any dirt on Mark D'Antoni yet - It sounds like the Stephon Marbury Era in New York is over. I guess with Brett Favre now in town, they had to kick out another douche to keep things balanced. Marbury might have been the biggest waste of talent in the history of the game because he always let his ego and emotions get in the way. But, when you're making 20 million a year, fuck the fans. I'm just sad that all of those great Isiah and Starbury stories are gone, I guess. I've always dreamed about taking a co-worker out to my car and destroying some ass in the backseat. I suppose I'm just old-fashioned.
***Not only is he a dick, he's also a pussy - Lost in the shuffle from this past weekend was when Gary Sheffield went all 'roid rage on Fausto "Bug Face" Carmona. Only problem was that Fausto wasn't havin' 'dat. Sheff tried to be the tough guy and got laid out like a bitch. That was awesome. And I'm still not sure who it was, but the Tiger that was in the fetal position was a true disgrace to mankind. There are many in people in life that deserved to be embarrassed nationally, and Gary was right near the top. The best part is that this will probably be the last memory that we all have of Gary Sheffield's career...headlocked and getting pummeled by a gay porn star (Fausto sounds like a gay porn name). I love it. He deserves to spend the rest of his days making movies with Kaz Tadano.
***A guy missing 90% of his brain is definitely an upgrade - Mr. Ace was asking me to talk about the Rams the other day...here you go, jerk. Thinking that this will somehow help, the Rams have told Marc Bulger to sit on the bench (I'm sure he isn't complaining) and named Trent Green the starter this week. The same Trent Green who's reaction time is slower than Muhammad Ali's. Yeah, this will get you a few wins. But I see what they're doing here...by naming Green the starter, they are hoping to recreate some of the magic from the Dick Vermeil days. They are secretly hoping for Green to get hurt right away and then Bulger will come back in and be a world beater. The only problem is, who is going to play Brenda Warner in this re-creation? And who will cry as much as Vermeil? And who is Leonard Little going to kill while driving drunk? As you can see, this plan is flawed already.
***The Ford Family is dumber than all SEC football fans combined - I don't get this. Little Ford says that if he had the power, which he apparently doesn't, he would have fired Matt Millen already. Well, why doesn't he have the power or at least the influence? He's the fucking owner's son! This makes no sense to me. Is William Clay Ford actually listening to Matt Millen, he of the 31-84 record, over his own son? And sticking with the car analogies, let's call Big Ford, Herb Powell, Little Ford a bunch of egghead engineers, and Millen can be Homer. Homer's "car" killed Herb's automotive business...isn't the real life version of this classic Simpsons episode going on right now in Detroit??? I'm sure Millen is in Ford's office now pitching an idea to have La Cucaracha played after all Lions scores.
***Reminds me of my childhood... - You probably haven't seen this but there is a war going on in the town of Las Vegas, New Mexico regarding hazing accusations at Robertson High School. I guess the football team went on some road trip and a couple of pussy underclassmen were "innocently" sodomized with broomsticks. First of all, ouch. Second, what the fuck? Third, the kid in the picture is still tied up in my bathroom. I was once an upperclassmen football player myself. I hazed the punks younger than me. But it was more along the lines of general annoyances; like dumping a bottle of water down their backs when it was 40 degrees outside, or punting footballs directly into their ass/back, or, my favorite, stand about 5 yards away from a sophomore and throw footballs off of their helmets as hard as you can. It was a rite of passage. It was hilarious. You put up with shit when you're young so that you can give it back when you're older. But you don't try to re-invent the wheel. You go with classic pranks, like "swirlies" or "power crunches" or pissing in the kid's locker...there's no need for a wooden raping! For shame, Robertson upper classmen. Note to self - Why didn't I think of that?
That's it. I can't wait to head on home, hold hands with the roommates and ritualistically shove a vacuum cleaner up my ass tonight. That was pretty much the general theme for today anyway. I'm a disgrace.