Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.
This week, the "Let there be light!" Edition. That was one of the worst 48 hours of my life. I missed an entire weekend of great NFL action and most of my Sunday night programming, but it's good to have power again. Fuck colonial times, those would have sucked.
***Oh I get it, you're an idiot - St. Louis Rams "management" has made an idle threat saying that there could be some changes if things don't turn around. OF COURSE THERE SHOULD BE SOME CHANGES!!! Everyone should go. The team is abysmal. Are they trying to say that they JUST noticed that the entire franchise is in shambles? The Rams haven't been competitive in 3 years. This is just another shining beacon of how the people that own/run professional sports teams are the dumbest people in the country. Even the most positive of Rams fan would have shitcanned Scott Linehan this past offseason. But I guess it took two embarrassing blowouts this year on top of the last few seasons of football flatulence for the ancestors of Georgia Frontandrearie to figure that out. If the people that claim to be Rams fans/employees were any dumber, they would root/work for the Bengals.
***My Diagnosis??? Bad Babysitting! - It's been a bad week for both Vince Young and Eddie "Guns" Hochuli. VY has been labeled a...suicider? Get over it, Vince, I get boo'ed coming into the office every single day. Eddie tanked the game for the Chargers and is receiving death threats via email. Funny thing is...HE'S RESPONDING TO ALL OF THEM WITH APOLOGIES! How hilarious is that? It's admirable, I guess. Guns is saying sorry to guys that want him to die! Look, these guys need help dealing with their depression and I've got the solution. How about a few sessions with Jason Seaver? Alan Thicke could break down the walls of depression of these two guys. Isn't it obvious. You sit down 3 or 4 times with him and you're as good as new. And if he can't cure you...I suppose the noose in Tracy Gold's old room will support them. And if even that doesn't work, I'd bet that Jeremy Miller could hook them up with some free shit from the McDonald's Dollar Menu.
***Whew, I thought it was named after JR Rider - The Ryder Cup is this weekend from Valhalla outside of Louisville. Without Tiger being involved, it's getting about as much publicity as a pro-choice rally in the South. For some reason, ESPN.com has a headline stating that Tiger will not be there. How is that news??? Why would anyone voluntarily go to Kentucky? Of course he's going to be sitting at home. Although it would be sweet to watch Phil-do get his ass kicked in person. As far as a prediction, the Euro's will win because they always win. I'm fairly certain that Hunter Mahan and company aren't going to put up much of a fight. The best matchup this weekend will be Colin Montgomerie trying to fit in his pants. Or Jim Nantz trying not to sleep with a little boy.
***Herpes in, deaf guys out - The Cavaliers, coming off of a pretty unexceptional yet solid summer, made their final move of the offseason this weekend by locking up guard, Delonte West, for 3+ years. The constant cold sore is a real scrapper and played well for Mike Brown last season. But this also led to the exits of deaf center, Lance Allred, and fan favorite, Billy Thomas. I honestly believe that the Cavs, if they can remain somewhat healthy in the frontcourt, can win the East again. This is the best depth in the backcourt that the team has had in years and Mo Williams adds a dynamic that the team has lacked on offense. And considering that LeBron is the best player in the world, why wouldn't I think they could make the Finals? After all, Cleveland fans have suffered through the Indians and Browns this year...they deserve something to support. Well, actually they deserve The Clap...but a good team to support as well. I'll miss you, Billy Thomas!
***Suck my cock, Bobby Thigpen - Francisco Rodriguez broke the MLB saves record recently. No one noticed because no one cares about baseball right now. But it happened and it warrants mention. It's strange that he's going to save at least 60 games this year but won't even come close to winning the Cy Young Award. Oh well, sucks for him, I guess the massive contract that some team will be pissing away on him this offseason will have to do. As far as the rest of baseball goes...I haven't paid attention in 2 weeks so maybe you can clue me in. I heard that Carlos Zambrano threw a no-hitter. Who really cares though, the guy is a giant immature douchebag. I know it sounds pompous of me to suggest that baseball doesn't matter since the Yankees aren't worth shit this year, but, it's true. Baseball doesn't matter when the Yankees aren't involved. There. I said it.
***Somewhere John Norris is crying - First of all, how gay was/is John Norris. I read on msnbc.com yesterday that MTV is dumping TRL soon. I didn't even know that they played music anymore. I'm sure that they plan on replacing it with "True Life: I Want To Be A Used Condom" or "The Real World 432: Chernobyl". I'm betting that little shits everywhere are on the rag over this but honestly, none of them will contribute to society anyway. Kids are stupid. Kids that are avid fans of TRL should smashed by a steamroller. Not like me...or Kennedy...or Kurt Loder. TRL...what a sack of shit.
That's it. It's going to take awhile, but I know that I will get used to shaving and showering in the light again. Go ahead...picture me nude. There ya go. All better.