Wednesday, September 03, 2008

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "Thank you, Jesus, for bringing new episodes of The Shield, the greatest show ever, back into my life" Edition.

***Greasy fingers equals no no-hitter - Pretty much the only interesting news coming out of baseball this past weekend is that some people feel like CC Sabathia was jobbed out of a no-hitter in Shitsburgh. My response: who gives a fuck? The guy didn't make a play that he should have and now his teammates and fans want him to achieve a milestone on a technicality? It's too late now anyway. It's kind of like when The Fab Five had their Final Four banners taken down at Michigan. Just because they aren't there anymore doesn't mean that it didn't happen (and in CC's case, vice versa). And another thing that pisses me off, why is it that when a pitcher makes an error and some runs score, why are those considered unearned runs? The pitcher earned those runs by being a God awful fielder. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, look, I realize that Wisconsin is about the most boring place on Earth, but give it up already. It's over. It's a one fucking hitter. I do give him props for banging Serena Williams though. I bet that CC gives a dynamite chicken grease massage.

***Just one more reason why ESPN is a fucking disgrace - OK, I dealt with it on Memorial Day, it started to piss me off on the 4th of July, and now I'm absolutely infuriated over Labor Day. Those are all traditional American holidays in which baseball should be showcased yet ESPN didn't show ONE game on any of these days. What the fuck is that all about? They used to show tripleheaders and now we get First Take and the Best of Mike and Suck. Deep down, I just know that this is Erik Kuselias's fault. He's been ruining everything in my life recently. Like when I was awaken out of a pass-out on Saturday night with him jerking off three inches from my face. Look, buddy, just finish up and let me go back to sleep.

***He's still quicker and more of a ladies man than this blog's Beanie - I found it hilarious at the time (probably because I was already halfway into a case of Bud Light), but Buckeyes RB Beanie Wells went down on no contact Saturday and managed to fumble the ball away on the play as well. We're still not sure what the hell happened yet either. First of all, Tressel is acting like Bill Belichick with the way that he's concealing the seriousness of his injury. We deserve to know what's going on! Beanie is apparently doubtful for Saturday against The Ohio's and will likely not be very effective against the Trojans in 2 weeks. To that I say, sweeeeeet. There goes all of my guest poster's dumbfuck predictions of him winning the Heisman. To sum up, will someone please just sodomize Jim Tressel already? His insufferable pompousness is really grating on my nerves. Nothing like a good anal rape to take away that dignity.

***A few notes from Adolf Goodell's sport - All signs point to "yes" that the Saints will be playing in the SuperDome this weekend. For as big of a dickhead as I can be, I'm glad that Hurricane Gustav is a giant pussy and will not be fucking up that area. They have enough to deal with anyway, you know, with Jeremy Shockey and his bag of dicks coming to town. Jaguars lineman "Something" Collier was shot in his car Monday. Of course this brings up painful memories of #21 and I wish he and his friends and family the best in these times. It never ceases to amaze at how awful the world is. The guy was just sitting in his car and gets rewarded with some bullet holes. Thank you, douche. Why couldn't they find Ashton Kutcher instead? And finally, THEE Tyrone Wheatley is coaching football at Ohio Northern University this Fall. That is just plain strange. I wrote about it over at Epic Carnival, check it out. If you click the link, it helps me get paid. If you do not click the link, an orphan dies. You're right, I wouldn't click the link either. I fucking hated Annie...stupid red-haired bitch.

***Breaking news, shitty coaches were still shitty this weekend - Phil Fulmer lost to a QB that launched 4 picks in the first half. Dave Wannstedt couldn't beat an average Bowling Green team. Tommy Bowden was at least nice enough to crush his fanbases hopes in the first game as opposed to his usual October collapse. Eventhough we are just one week into the college football season, I think one thing is painfully obvious. Bad coaches that have high expectations are going to fail and fail fast. I still haven't figured out why Fulmer has been able to keep his job. Wannstedt has been awful at every place he's been. Tommy Bowden is just a loser. So let that be a lesson, never attach your wagon to a team run by an idiot. It's why I'm detaching myself from the mental abortion known as Shane Montgomery. I wish I would have thought of it first, but there is already a site calling for his head a la Ron Zook. Can you believe it, we're already talking about shitty coaches and Notre Dame hasn't even played it. Hell, I already talked about chicken grease and Notre Dame hasn't played yet.

***Get ready to break your TV...if his smile doesn't beat you to it - I'm already sick of Michael Phelps. It's already been announced that he is hosting the first SNL of the season and he's rumored to be guest-starring on Entourage as well. Ugh. Personally, the entire time that I was watching The Olympics, the first thing that came to my mind was, "Michael Phelps would be great in sketch comedy!" That is going to be a disaster the likes of which haven't been seen since Wayne Gretzky hosted and proved to be the least funny person ever. As far as an Entourage appearance goes, I'm very proud to say that I watched this show from episode one before all of the frat fags started "hugging it out, bitch". But let's be honest, this show has morphed into an incredibly formulaic sack of garbage. Drama is about the only person on the show that I can still handle. I guess deep down I really hope that the last time we see Phelps on TV, besides when he's competing, is when he's being sodomized by the dreadful Adrian Grenier. E can go fuck himself. Anyone that still quotes Entourage should be ripped to shreds by a family of bears.

That's it, peeps. The remaining two days of the week will be an NFL Preview tomorrow and a breakdown of the Skins/Giants game on Friday. Now if you'll excuse me, my penis isn't going to masturbate itself.


Grumpy said...

I love The Shield, but it ranks a distant second to The Wire. I mean, really, a grenade in your best friend's lap? Well at least he got to move on and hump Holly Hunter.

GMoney said...

Grumpy, I love them both as well (along with The Sopranos and Mad Men). But to me at least, The Shield is just a bit better because they don't have the luxury of being on a pay channel yet it still is gory.

J Beanie said...

Thanks for the minor rip. To say I'm less of a ladies man than Chris Wells (I refuse to call him Beanie since he stole that from me) is like calling Peyton Manning a bad quarterback because he is second to Brady.

Hahaha Ohio State fans. You deserve Wells getting hurt like a whore deserves AIDS.

I'm heading to Ohio Northern to meet Ty Wheatley. I loved that guy.

flohtingPoint said...

Speaking of shitty coaches, anyone else think the Aztec's have a sporting chance against Notre Dame?

Mad Men, btw, excellent. A buddy of mine hit me up with season 1 of that recently and I've been going back and forth between that and Dexter.

Shawn Kemp said...

A couple things...

If Chuck Long and the Aztecs can't get past Cal Poly then even a pitiful Notre Dame team should beat them by two touchdowns.

"Wisconsin is about the most boring place on earth." Is Ohio the place to be? What's the difference?

Anonymous said...

Beanie is going to be fine. He is out of the boot and walking without a limp. He will back in full force for USC and he better not play this week. Heisman.